Chapter Text
it's easy to pretend that theres no scratching at the back of your throat, like black ink isn't coating up and down my entire insides. i tell myself i don't want to rip my skin open and tear myself apart limb from limb, slowly. i tell myself i want to stop chasing towards the storm because i found my sun, and my sun is him.
phil fucking lester. you perfect piece of shit. you cared for me, you finally made me feel loved and you don't deserve any of this. you shouldn't have to deal with my constant need to live in my world of broken promises where no one ever finds each other.
when i’m out, i’m numb, placing one foot in front of the other, thinking only of the safety of my bed, away from the people and the air, just away.
i tell him "i'm happy, really, you make me happy." that last part isn't a lie. i'm happy when he's there and numb when he's not. i can't live my life depending on his sapphire eyes and prepossessing smile.
phil, i am so so sorry, i crashed into your life, making you deal with worst parts of me. i made you feel like you had to help me. i'm so fucking sorry.
there were good and bad days. mostly bad. on the good days i would kiss phil till my lips felt blue, i kissed him until it felt like our lips had moulded together and all that was left was him. on the bad days i'd take long showers, lying down i would let the water beat down on my chest, until it felt like i couldn't breathe and tried to imagine what that would actually feel like. i'd take slow sips of air and pretend they were my last. i'd stay curled up in my bed as phil called my name somewhere far in the distance.
on my last day i woke up feeling better than usual, i kissed phil good morning and made him breakfast in bed.
i invited pj, chris and louise out for lunch. we laughed for hours and i let myself believe that everything would be okay.
when i got home i packed away my things while phil laughed at an old comedy show i didn't recognise. i wouldn't let the tears fall, i'd decided this, i was going to be free.
as the sky grew black i questioned why everyone viewed the daylight as a safety blanket. why was the dark expected to feel unsafe when it was so similar to my mind.
i clutched phil tightly to my chest as he snored softly, i kissed his soft lips one last time and said my goodbye.
i ran myself a bath and locked the door behind me. i dragged the silver edge along my wrists until i could no longer feel the pain.
i love you phil lester
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i love you dan howell