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The night air was cool. Clear. Still. Silent. That point of quiet between when the rabble rousers have finally retired and the early morning workforce has yet to hit the streets.
The water below the bridge was dark and formless; the moon a cat’s claw reflected and barely changing in the slow, steady current. A perfect, untouched reflection marred only by his mirrored presence.
It had started slow. At first just annoying doubts the ghost taking up residence in the back of his mind whispered to him occasionally. He’d seen these kinds of things before. It would wear at him and drain his energy and feed off his negativity. Reigen figured he’d picked it up after a tough job a few months ago and hadn’t gotten around to asking Serizawa to get rid of it. After all, he’d been able to talk it down. He was stronger than this pesky inconvenience.
Is that what you think I am?
“Yep.” Reigen went back to his book, sipping on tea cooled to perfection and curling up under the blanket over his knees.
Whatever helps you sleep at night, conman.
He’d let it go to far and now its hooks were in him so deep he couldn't concentrate, the spirit haunting him constantly pointing out every negative interaction, every mistake he made day in day out. From misspellings in his emails to the cup he shattered accidentally when he forgot to wash his hands clean of oil after a massage. Business was good, clients walked away happy, but the spirit was never satisfied. Reigen found himself staring at his friends, wondering if they really couldn’t sense it. Why hadn’t they noticed? Should he tell them? Maybe they knew but were waiting for him to take care of it.
All your lying has put you in this situation, Arataka.
“What do you mean?”
They’re waiting for you to admit that you're a fraud and a liar. They probably laugh at you behind your back at the mere thought of you fooling anybody.
He needed to fix this by himself.
You’re pathetic.
It had been a hard week. The kind where he’d had to provide their services for free more than once because of the property damage. Property damage caused by his lack of foresight and he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, slumping on the couch mid-morning still in his sleep clothes. Drained, Reigen felt on the verge of exhaustion the whole day, the kind that made it tough to breathe and even tougher to get out of bed. He eyed his phone next to him on the couch cushions and ran a hand through his hair, wincing at how greasy and lank it was.
You should shower if you’re even thinking of going out.
“I’m working my way up to it.” Mumbling, Reigen weighed whether or not he wanted to bother with breakfast, considering how late it was.
Can’t even be bothered to bathe. That’s low, even for you.
“I’m tired.” Whining and petulant, he leaned back, slumping further into the couch to let it cradle his aching muscles. He’d been so tense lately, barely able to catch a full breath, skin too tight over bones too loose. It felt like his consciousness was shifted just an inch to the right of him, everything off-kilter and delayed.
Not enough room in here for the both of us.
“Then maybe someone should take a hint and get out.” The chuckling was unkind.
And lose this chance to watch you make a fool of yourself in front of Serizawa? I think not.
So Reigen backed out, fumbled hastily with some poor excuse through a text rather than risk insulting the esper. He felt embarrassed, remembering how he’d misscheduled a job the other day and sent the esper out to an apartment with no one there. Remembered Serizawa’s pitying look when he returned. How kindly he’d offered his reassurances and how desperately Reigen wanted to believe them. Fleetingly he thought of asking the esper to put his arms around him, just to hold him together for a little while, banishing the thought as swiftly as it had occurred because the ghost was right. He really was a fool. No matter how upset he was he didn’t want to burden Serizawa with the weight of his mistakes. This is how it always ended up. He always ended up being too much, too selfish. Mob had seen it, and even if he’d forgiven him it was only because they both knew he wasn’t going to stick around forever. It was only a matter of time before Serizawa did too.
“Don’t worry about it, the walk was nice in this weather. And besides, everybody makes mistakes sometimes.” But Reigen just couldn’t seem to stop making them lately. Better not to take the chance. Not when he was already this tired. It was time for him to take care of himself and stop relying on the esper so much. It wasn’t fair to him, to take and take like he was.
They could always reschedule when he felt a little better.
I don’t know why he likes you anyway.
The night air was cool and Reigen’s fingers tightened on the bag of convenient store items as he stopped on his way to the train, stepping up to the railing to glance down at his weary reflection. Water shifted like an oil slick, the familiar echo of the moon shivering in its current.
What are you thinking about?
“I’m going to get rid of you.” He ignored the derisive snicker like so much poison twisting sinuously in his ear.
Of course you are. It mocked him unkindly. How brave. Don’t forget, I know what you’re thinking, Arataka.
“No you don’t.”
You’d be doing them all a favor.
Food lost its appeal, tasting like ash on his tongue and he found himself lying to Serizawa about not feeling hungry for lunch
“I had a big breakfast.” He lied, mouth twisting in those familiar shapes, “I’ll have a snack later.” He never did and Serizawa watched him closely and the thought of being found out now, that Reigen Arataka, the 21st Century’s Greatest Psychic had fallen prey to some messed up possession made his breath catch in his throat.
It became harder to get out of bed. Heaving himself up in the morning was near impossible as even the thought of work was enough to send him into a panic attack. What if the spirit was stronger than Serizawa? Dimple? Even Mob? Wouldn’t that make sense if they hadn’t noticed it yet? Would it hurt them? Could it hurt them? The fear was cloying and he felt all the air rush out of the room as he fell to his knees, clutching the front of his pajamas as he struggled, vision going grey at the edges, shaking so hard he hurt.
Pull yourself together, for my sake at least. This is pathetic.
Reigen cancelled work (I’m not feeling very well, enjoy a day off on me!) and spent the rest of the day battling against the voice in his head as it cycled between teasing him for being too weak to work and asking him over and over if he thought he’d be able to go in tomorrow and he just didn’t know. He certainly didn’t feel like he could. It was exhausting and he did his utmost to tune it out, ignoring it when he could, and sleeping when he couldn’t. He would rest today, just rest up a bit and be back to fighting strength in the morning. He could take on anything with a little rest.
Sleep came poorly, the ghost particularly vicious that night.
You may have them fooled, Arataka, but you can’t fool yourself. Screwing his eyes tightly shut, Reigen clasped sweaty palms so tightly over his ears it hurt. We know the real you, the one you hide, the one you can’t let anybody see.
“Stop it.”
Because they’ll leave you in a heartbeat, Arataka. And could you blame them? You’re nothing to them but an ugly liar. A means to an end. At best they tolerate you.
“Shut up, shut up. That’s not true.” He could feel it sneering, a strange sensation to say the least.
What a useless life you lead. Why do you insist on even carrying on?
“Shut up.”
It’s not like you can do anything right. Venomous whispers. You should just stop trying. It would be so much easier to stop trying, Arataka.
“Shut up!” The neighbor on the other side of the wall pounded out a warning and Reigen curled up as small and tight as he could, hands fisted against his mouth as he cried silently in the dark.
His head hurt. He hurt. Probably from sleeping twisted up into a tense ball. So sore he cancelled the appointments he had that day and declared he was going to catch up on paperwork. Get it all in order. Serizawa looked at him and Reigen didn’t trust himself to decipher what it meant, glancing quickly down at his desk under the weight of his gaze.
Did he know? How awful he was?
You used to be able to read people like a book. He ignored it, turned up the volume on his speakers to drown it out. That was the only thing you were good at, and now look at you. Can’t even con anymore.
“Can I get you some tea, Reigen?” Jumping at Serizawa’s voice, Reigen knocked the reports he was working on to the floor, closing his eyes against the crowing declaration of proof that he was useless crescendoing in his skull. “Oh, let me help you with that.” He waved him off, slipping out of his chair and hanging his head under the pretext of gathering the papers, all to prevent Serizawa from seeing the tears stinging his eyes.
“I’ve got it, thanks.” He coughed to cover the sob. “But some tea would be lovely.”
How long are you going to play these games?
The night air was cool. Clear. Still. Silent. That point of disconsolate quiet between very late and very early.
The water below was as dark and formless as it had been everytime Reigen stood on this bridge. Stood between.
You know you’re a burden.
“Shut up.” But it didn’t hold the bite he wanted it to. He was so tired. Too tired to keep arguing, fighting with the being that hid too deep for the strongest espers he knew to even notice.
You’d be helping them. Wouldn’t he just? The spirit was quiet for once, waiting in the back of his mind as he weighed his choices and came up short. They’ll thank you for it, you’ll see. You’ll be taking care of them. The voice was kind, almost soothing, a gentle caress against his senses and with it came blissful reprieve. Serizawa was listed as his business partner. Mob was growing up. Neither of them needed him anymore. I’ll be with you.
Reigen removed his shoes, placed them neatly side by side with sure and steady hands before climbing over the barrier, gripping the frozen bar behind him and leaning over such that his shadow obscured the moon and created a halo that ringed his dark form. The wind shifted his hair, his jacket, the tie loose and sloppy around his neck. Cold cement bit into his toes through thin socks.
This is the right decision. Calm acceptance; he didn’t know which of them even voiced the thought. He breathed deeply, crisp air clearing away the fog of indecision.
Release.
The impact stole his breath, broke his bones and Reigen inhaled sharply as he sank, taking in a mouthful of icy water that burned like fire in his battered lungs. Panic settled heady and paralyzing and the black disoriented him such that he couldn’t even tell which way was up.
Breathe. He did, gasping and coughing under the surface and drifting lower, tasting iron in the back of his throat. The current caught him up, buoyed him in limbo and each breath came easier than the last until his chest refused to move again. Let go. Eyes rolling back, he succumbed, sinking lower and lower until he collided against the muddy bottom, heavy and listless somewhere beneath the moon’s shadow.
Fading.
I’ve got you.
Terrified.
You did the right thing.
Relief.
Serizawa jerked awake, the shrill tone of his cell ripping him out of a dreamless sleep and he fumbled with it with clumsy, tired fingers, 347 AM blinding him momentarily until he managed to hold the phone to his ear.
“Serizawa Katsuya?”
“Mm,” he yawned hugely, “this is he.” Rubbing his cheek with a knuckle, tired and struggling, he tried to focus through the filmy gauze of sleep.
“This is Seasoning City General Hospital.” Any trace of exhaustion fled with the declaration and the esper sat bolt upright, aura lifting his hair off his sweaty forehead. “You are listed as primary emergency contact for a Reigen Arataka.”
“Y’yes. Yes. I am.” Swallowing, he gripped the phone in both hands so tightly he was both half-afraid he was going to break it, and horrified he might drop it.
“There’s been an incident.”
“An incident?”
“Would you be available to come to the hospital at this time?” Serizawa was already dressed, psychic powers aiding him in a flurry of clothes and personal effects, phone entombed in green and set to speaker.
“Yes, I’m on my way. Yes. Yes.” He answered the additional questions without really hearing them, fear choking him, drowning him and coiling like spring in his chest, tight and hot and all consuming. An incident. What did that mean? What did that mean? Serizawa called a cab, rushing downstairs, forgetting his coat. Reigen had been so lost recently. Quiet and distant and Serizawa cursed himself for not reaching out sooner. For not realizing what Reigen needed. For not knowing what to do or how to approach him.
For thinking that when it got bad enough Reigen would reach out to him.
But instead he’d jumped.
From a bridge.
The bridge they used to walk over together when taking the train home after the bar, Reigen warm and loose from drink and generous with his touch, with his mirth, hanging off Serizawa’s shoulders and laughing uproariously at his own bad jokes until they were both in stitches.
When was the last time they’d gone out together?
The esper brushed damp bangs off the cold forehead, swept his hand down a pale cheek and traced the bruises like shadows ringing closed lids. If the height had been slightly greater. If he’d landed just slightly differently. If that stranger hadn’t gone in after him. If he’d been under even one minute more.
Clasping one restrained hand in both broad palms Serizawa bowed his head and whispered pleas and promises to every god he’d ever known.
Dizziness. Hurt. Failure.
These things were as pervasive as the ghost still consuming his thoughts like a heavy, black shadow, one that had become so close to him it was more familiar than his own. The lights were bright and blinding above him and it hurt to breathe, felt like he was still under the water. Drifting somewhere under the moon.
Reigen wondered absently why he wasn’t.
You couldn’t even do that right. The effort of ignoring the spirit was too much and Reigen found himself crying silently and unable to lift his arms. Hazy and confused he tugged once against the soft ties around his wrists, pain distant but there, all over, radiating out from his wounded center and pulsing in waves through his sluggish limbs.
“Reigen?” Softly, so gently, like he was something broken, something capable of breaking further. He felt broken. Felt like nothing. Wanted so badly to feel nothing.
You are nothing. Less than nothing. Worthless He closed his eyes, turned away from Serizawa and focused on the ever-present voice in his head as it reaffirmed his worst fears. Nothing but a burden to these people. The worst part was that it wasn’t wrong.
“Reigen?” Trembling fingers touched his cheek, brushed the tears slipping down them away. “I’m. I’m sorry, so sorry.” The hand settled in his hair, moved through it and Reigen felt so bad for wanting it, for taking the comfort he didn’t deserve. He was a thief. And the tears fell faster. “It’s okay. To cry, it’s okay.” Fingers slipped into his own and the instinct to pull away lost to his overwhelming need to be touched and he was grateful and upset both that Serizawa chose to sit with him in silence. “It’s okay.”
When he woke again their hands were still threaded together and Reigen squeezed lightly to prove it to himself, eyes closed and aching.
You don’t deserve this.
“You think I don’t know that?” Hissed between teeth sore from being clenched together.
“You’re awake.” Still so soft with him, so careful and kind, and Reigen’s throat closed up with guilt of taking comfort in the gentle way Serizawa spoke to him. “Can you look at me?” His warm grip tightened, second hand joining the first. “Please, I. I would really like to see you.”
To look you in the eye when he tells you he quits. To spite it he turned and found himself undone by the trembling of Serizawa’s lower lip, the gloss of tears in his eyes. When he closed them, they glistened in the fluorescent light and dripped off his chin but he made no move to let go of Reigen’s hands, caught his gaze after just a few seconds and swallowed hard.
“I’m s’so glad.” The barest whisper, syllables catching, “that you’re here with me.” For once the ghost was quiet, stunned into disbelief before Reigen could even process what Serizawa had just said. He wished he could lift his hands, thumb away the sorrow he’d painted on the esper’s face. “It’s okay, I’m okay,” Serizawa chuffed, raising one hand to scrub at his face. “I’m just so happy.” And immediately replaced it, worrying Reigen’s fingers, rubbing them smoothly if a little frantically. “Can you,” he paused, unsure. “Tell me a little about it?” Reigen considered, heart hammering behind the broken cage of his ribs and Serizawa gave him time, ample time, and part of him knew the older man would wait for years if he needed it.
He won’t believe you. And Reigen feared so much it was true. Wanted Serizawa to hold onto him like this always, wasn’t sure he could risk the derision and disbelief, not from him. It would break him the rest of the way in half and it was already so hard to hold everything together.
“There’s a spirit.” Reigen couldn’t meet his eyes as he breathed, so afraid the voice hissing incessantly at him was right.
“A spirit?” The man nodded, shrinking into the hospital sheets.
“Since, since.” His hold on Serizawa’s hands shook with the rest of him. “It’s been a long time.” Murmured so low the esper had to strain to hear it.
“Let me.” Reigen relaxed as the warm wash of Serizawa’s aura swept over him from top to toes. It was comforting, so soothing, calming the chattering in his mind, and he felt a wave of exhaustion follow in its wake at the feeling of safety the ethereal touch evoked. Serizawa frowned, face creased in concern, checked again and smiled a little at Reigen’s heavy eyelids and sigh of contentment. As far as he could tell there was nothing there, nothing supernatural at least, and it made him want to weep, to gather the smaller man in his arms and never let him go. How could he have missed this?
“Serizawa?” The tremble in his voice was unmistakable.
“It’s going to be hard.” He began, smoothing a palm through auburn hair and holding eyes brimming again with tears of relief. “It’s going to take time.” He stroked down his cheek, “but you’re not alone.” Cupping his jaw, Serizawa brushed a chaste kiss over his brow before tugging him into an embrace, tucking his hot face into his neck where the tears soaked his collar. “I’m here.”