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It was cold outside. So cold that Dan could feel the tips of his fingers start to tingle, but he wasn’t going to go inside. Not right that second, at least.
The view from the roof of Phil’s house was spectacular. He had been nervous about climbing out onto the old-looking shingles, but Phil had smiled at him and told him it was safe, and before he even had made a conscious decision, he was crawling out and sitting next to him on the edge of the house.
They had watched the sun start to dip low in the sky; pinks and oranges and a random spot of purple lit up the air in front of them. It had felt magical in a way Dan had never experienced. The colors of the sky seemed to give him a boost of confidence he had felt a lack of all afternoon.
Phil was staring at the horizon, as if he was trying to soak up all of the lingering warmth into his soul. His eyes closed for a brief second, his pale lids becoming a light pink, and Dan could feel himself fall a little bit in love. He was so beautiful, it was hard not to.
Phil glanced over, surely to say something about how pretty it was, and Dan leaned in and kissed him.
There was a solid three seconds when Dan was sure that he had fucked up and that Phil was going to push him away, but just as he was moving to lean back, Phil’s long fingers wound around his waist and brought them closer together.
They kissed and kissed for what felt like hours. By the time they each pulled away, Dan’s lips were a little swollen and he could imagine they resembled the dark shade that Phil’s were. The sun was finally dipping down and out of view, and once it was gone, Phil was grabbing his hands and helping him back into his room.
Phil was kissing him again before Dan had even properly gotten his balance. It wasn’t the same as it had been outside. Outside had been slow and sweet, delicate almost. Now it was teeth and the swipe of Phil’s tongue against Dan’s lips. He couldn’t help the whine he let out at the feeling, and Phil’s arms wrapped around him tightly.
He wasn’t sure when they moved to the bed, but before he knew it, Phil was laying on top of him and they were still kissing and it was just becoming too much. Dan broke away from the kiss and pressed his hands lightly against Phil’s chest: hard enough that he stopped, but not enough to make him move.
“You okay?”
It was the first words that had been spoken out loud since they had gone out on the roof who knows how long ago. Phil’s voice was deep and a bit gravely, and it made something flutter in Dan’s chest.
“Yeah. I just- I don’t know. This feels a little fast.”
Phil gazed at him for a second before moving back and off of him, laying down next to him on the too small bed.
“Sorry,” he said so quietly Dan wasn’t quite sure he heard it correctly.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Dan murmured, terrified that he had ruined things before they had even really started.
“I don’t want to, like, pressure you. I should have asked if that was okay.”
“Phil, I kissed you first.”
Phil finally turned his head and looked into Dan’s eyes instead of at those tiny glow-in-the-dark stars blue tacked to the ceiling.
“We can take things slow, if that’s what you want.”
Dan nodded, relief flooding through him. He wanted this, of course he did, but he wanted it slow. He wanted it to mean something rather than just a random hookup.
“I’d really like that.”
Phil kissed him again, but there was no heat behind it this time. He wasn’t sure what the feeling left him with, but he was sure that at least a small part of it was something good.
****
“Why did you have to bring so much shit with you?” Phil griped as he heaved a duffle bag up Dan’s dorm stairs.
“You should be honored that I’m letting you carry a bag full of my pants,” Dan sniggered from behind him.
Phil turned and made a gross face, quite the accomplishment without tripping.
“Gross. I don’t wanna touch your pants.”
Dan chuckled, though the comment made him feel a bit hollow. He was (mostly) sure that Phil was just joking, probably because there were ears listening all around them, but it still made a swell of something uncomfortable settle in his chest. Phil had seen his pants before. Had done more than just see them, but here they were, and he was acting like something intimate of Dan’s was something nefarious and dirty.
Maybe be was just being dramatic.
“This looks like a prison cell.”
Dan moved Phil out of the way where he was standing in the doorway and sat the box he was holding on his bed, if you could even call the few feet of stained mattress a bed.
“Well, not all of our parents can afford to rent us apartments in the city, Phil.”
It was a bit of a low blow, sure. But he felt weird and embarrassed to have Phil in his space suddenly, and wanted nothing more than to be alone, even if that meant bringing up his own boxes.
“Do you need anymore help?” Phil’s tone was a bit clipped, and it just made him feel worse. A weird swirl of shame and guilt sat heavy in his gut.
“No, it’s fine.”
Phil didn’t say anything else, just nodded, sat the bag down and left. Probably to go home, but maybe to go out to the bar. Maybe to find someone pretty to kiss. Someone besides Dan.
It had been nearly a year since his first visit to Phil. Ten months of this weird dynamic that had sprung up between them. They kissed, among other things, whenever they visited, but it never went farther than that. They didn’t talk about it, they just did whatever and then Dan would be left to lay there, listening to Phil snore but not being able to succumb to sleep himself.
Sure, it wasn’t functional, and sometimes he felt worse about himself for it, but Phil was his best friend. Aside from the part where they did stuff and then Phil refused to talk about it and Dan was too chicken to, things were great between them. They had so much in common and had fun together. Dan had never had a best friend before, and he didn’t want to blow it because Dan had a crush.
****
It was too loud in the bar they were in. A headache was building in Dan’s temples and he really just wanted to go home.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He didn’t want to go back to Wokingham, where his parents had already turned his bedroom into some office, or his cold and empty dorm room. He wanted to go to Phil’s apartment and watch Buffy and maybe kiss Phil a little. He wondered idly when “home” became Phil and his apartment.
He couldn’t go there, though, because Phil had some pretty blonde girl pressed up next to him in the booth they were sitting in with a bunch of Phil’s mates and was whispering in her ear. It was too loud in the bar for Dan to hear, even though he was sitting right next to Phil. He stared hard into the glass of watery rum and Coke that he had ordered because that was what Phil was drinking. He swirled it around, nearly slopping it over the rim, and tried to tamper down the searing anger and hurt building up inside of him.
There wasn’t anything he could say, or do, about this. He and Phil had never discussed this thing between them, never set any ground rules or even specifically said they were just messing around with each other. Because that’s what it was, when it came down to it. They were just messing around, and Dan hated it with every ounce of his being.
There was a pause in between songs and Phil finally moved away from the girl. She was pink in the cheeks now, and Dan was sure it wasn’t because of the wine she was sipping on. He knew exactly how charming and smooth Phil could be, especially with a little Malibu in him.
“I’m heading out of here,” Phil said, to Dan mostly. Because no one else at their table would really care if he left, especially if he was leading out a pretty girl, exactly like he was doing.
Dan wanted to say a lot of things. ‘Why?’ and ‘don’t leave me, were right on the tip of Dan’s tongue, but he held them in. He wouldn’t be one of those clingy people who chased after their friends and couldn’t be by himself. He had more pride than that.
He threw the rest of his drink back and refused to meet Phil’s eyes. “‘k.”
It was clipped, but Phil didn’t even seem to notice that he had replied at all. He was standing and ushering the girl out the door, a hand low on her back. Dan knew the exact weight of Phil’s hand in that exact position, and he felt acid rise in his throat.
He needed another drink.
****
He felt like death, he well and truly did. His head felt like it was in a vise grip and his stomach churned uncomfortably when he turned over in bed. His hand connecting with something, or someone, made him jump a little. He cracked open his heavy eyelids and stared at the person laying next to them.
It wasn’t hard for Dan to see why he had brought the stranger home. They were tall and had black hair that was just a touch too long. Dan knew, though, that when they opened their eyes, brown irises like his own would be looking back at him, not the blue and green and yellow ones he really wanted.
He turned back over to face the wall, letting himself drift back to sleep, dutifully ignoring the ache in his chest.
When he woke up later in the day, he was alone in his bed again. He grabbed his phone off the nightstand and his fingers brushed past the piece of torn paper that read ‘Cory, and a scribbled out mobile number. Dan wouldn’t call, he knew he wouldn’t, so he didn’t bother picking the note up as it fluttered to the floor. It would be swept under his bed and not looked at again until he was moving out of his room, and that was just fine.
There were no new texts from Phil, even though it was nearing noon, and Dan tried not to let that bother him too much. He texted him and asked if he was awake, and if he wanted to get coffee. It made him feel a bit needy and pathetic to be the one who texted first, but he needed coffee, and maybe he needed Phil, too. No matter how many people he slept with, he never felt complete like he did when they were together.
A ‘Sure. Meet me at Starbucks in 10.’ was the text that Dan returned to after he got back from the shower. He scrambled around the room to find at least half-clean jeans and pulled on the first t-shirt he could find. His hair was still horribly curly from the shower, but he didn’t have time to worry about it now. Phil had texted him 15 minutes ago and he was running too late.
Phil was already tucked into their couch in the corner, his phone in one hand and a drink in the other. Another drink was setting on the coffee table in front of the couch. Dan walked over and flopped himself down, making Phil laugh a little as it jostled him.
“What’s this?” Dan asked as he picked up the drink and put it to his lips.
“Tea,” Phil answered, his eyes back on his phone.
Those stupid fluttery feelings flooded Dan’s tummy. Phil always remembered that Dan preferred tea after he’d been drinking, stomach too delicate to handle milk.
“Thanks,” Dan said quietly, taking a sip of the scalding liquid to keep himself from saying more.
Phil eventually set his phone down and turned a bit towards Dan.
“Heard you got lucky last night.” His voice was tight and his face was masked with that look that he got when he was upset about something but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Who’d you hear that from?” Dan shot, not wanting to deal with all this right now, in broad daylight at a Starbucks, with his hangover still lingering in his body.
“Ian. Said you took home some tall chap you met at the bar.”
Dan felt a rush of pleasure at the ill hidden jealousy in his voice.
“So?” he replied, trying to keep the smugness out of his tone. “You went home with someone. Am I not allowed to?”
Phil turned back to his phone, just like Dan knew he would.
There were many good, wonderful things about Phil. He was kind and generous, thoughtful and funny, all things that Dan loved dearly about him. But Phil was selfish, too. And greedy. When he wanted something, he would just take it, and leave the fallout for someone else. He was also a hypocrite, if Dan was really being honest. Sleeping with other people was fine, as long as it was only Phil doing it.
“Let’s go play Donkey Kong. I need to redeem myself from last time.”
It was a white flag, a peace offering, and Phil took it. He gave Dan a soft smile and he had to look away. He couldn't deal with Phil being nice right this second.
****
“Phil! I said stop pressing A!” Dan screeched.
“I’m sorry!” Phil whined, though he didn’t do a very good job of disguising his following laughter.
“We’re gonna fucking game over if you don’t stop.”
Dan wasn’t actually mad. The two of them had long since established boundaries when it came to gaming. They could scream and yell and even hit lightly when they were playing games, and none of it was taken seriously. In some sort of ironic way, it was the most honest and functional part of their relationship.
“I give up.” Phil tossed his controller next to him and let himself fall back on to the floor.
It really just wasn’t fair. Phil could lay there and be so pretty and enticing; his lips pink from biting them during the game and his shirt hiked up enough that Dan could see a sliver of his white tummy and the dark trail of hair that led down to places that Dan was extremely familiar with.
“Well, I don’t,” Dan said stubbornly, wanting to focus on something other than how badly he wanted to jump Phil. He wouldn’t be the one to start things today.
It didn’t take long for Phil to get bored laying there watching Dan play. Soon there was a soft hand rubbing his back, his eyes involuntarily falling shut, making Donkey Kong nearly drown because of it. He snapped them back open, not wanting to let Phil know he was that affected, though by now Phil knew exactly how to get Dan worked up in no time.
He demonstrated this by slowly touching Dan in that way he knew would make Dan blush and squirm. Before he even knew what was happening, he was sprawled out on the floor with Phil running a hand through his disaster of hair and peppering kisses along his jawline.
There was a war going on in Dan’s mind as he felt Phil shuffle closer to him and hitch a long leg over his hip. His body, and a small, small, part of him wanted this. Wanted the touches and the kisses and everything else that he knew this would lead to.
But the largest part of his mind was screaming at him ‘What the hell are you doing?!?!’ The past between them had proven over and over again that nothing good would come of this, a least nothing long term good. Phil would make him feel amazing, and they would lay together in bed and hold each other, but once the morning came again, they would be back to whatever it was that was between them. More than friends, but less than together. A prickly subspace that never left Dan feeling happy and satisfied.
Without a warning, Dan pushed Phil off and rolled away. He wasn’t sure when tears started streaming down his face, but the last thing he wanted was for Phil to see it.
“Dan?”
He hated how concerned Phil’s voice was. Everything would be so much easier if Phil was just an outright asshole. If there weren’t so many things that Dan loved about Phil, he wouldn’t have any problem ending things. At least that was what he tried to tell himself during times like this.
“Just stop, Phil.”
“Stop what?”
He could hear the confusion in Phil’s voice, and it just served to make Dan more upset. That terrible, angry part of his personality was rearing up, and he felt a bit powerless to stop it. Maybe it was what they both needed.
“Stop fucking touching me and kissing me when you’re just gonna ditch me and go fuck some ditzy blonde you meet at the pub.”
He felt a small flare of guilt for being mean to the girl. She didn’t know what was going on between them, couldn’t possibly know she was interfering, but Dan didn’t dwell on it too much. He was pissed at Phil, properly pissed, and he didn’t have much room for anything else right now.
“I don’t -” he started and that seemed to be the tipping point.
Dan rolled over and sat up, looking Phil straight in the face.
“You absolutely know what I’m fucking talking about, Phil. How long has this been going on? You want me when I’m here and when we’re alone, but the second we’re in public, I’m back to just being your bro. I hate it.”
His voice broke and he despised himself for it. He wanted to be strong and tell Phil to go fuck himself, but deep down he knew he wouldn’t.
“Dan.” Phil’s voice was soft and so was the hand that reached out to touch Dan’s cheek. “You know how much I care about you.”
“Enlighten me,” Dan sneered.
Phil’s hand dropped and he sighed deeply. It was the same kind of sigh his mum used when Dan fucked up or she was annoyed with him.
“I -,” Phil stopped and started a few times before running a hand through his hair, making it messier than it already was. “I care about you, Dan, so much. You’re my best friend.”
“I want more, though.”
It was the first time Dan had ever explicitly said it, but he felt relief once the words were out in the open. At least now there was no dancing around it. He was putting himself out there and now the chips just had to lay where they fell.
Phil didn’t say anything at first, just stared at Dan with those big blue eyes.
It felt like time had stopped around them. The world could be on fire, but all Dan would be able to see was Phil. And maybe that was what the problem had always been. He couldn’t see past Phil and this thing he wanted them to be, even though he knew it wasn’t the best thing for him.
He had always been a bit self-destructive, though, which was why when Phil leaned in and kissed him, without addressing anything Dan had said, he went with it. He would probably give Phil every single piece of him if it meant he would let Dan stay in his life.
Was it crazy and stupid? Of course, but Dan never claimed to be smart.