Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Dazai-san," Atsushi's voice echoed from the earpiece.

Despite himself, he faltered in his sprint. He knew that he couldn't afford to waste another second. Still, they had all been pressed for time. The tone that accompanied the murmur of his name, however, had the effect of sending chills down his spine. It was familiar, in an almost intimate way.

He wondered why the other's voice sounded like death. You don't have to do this, he should say.

"How's it going, Atsushi-kun?" He merely muttered back, trying to even his breathing as he ran like the wind. One step at a time.

"I'm just thinking," There was a hum in Atsushi's voice, a resigned sound, if he ever heard one, and it reminded Dazai that he was running out of time. "that I wish I could've known you better. If there's not a lot at stake here, we could even make it a double suicide," A smile was definitely seeping into the other's voice and the brunet hated it. Hated what those words could've possibly meant.

Hated how the dread that crawled within him was familiar.

"We could still make it, you know," Dazai pointed out almost casually, running up a set of stairs, cursing earlier when he realized that the elevator was not working.

"I'm done being naïve. Or, idealistic, like Kunikida-san. Our time's almost out now anyway," Atsushi sighed, sounding too calm for his liking. "You know, being in this position, it puts a lot of things into perspective. Things that I wouldn't normally think about, they all rise to the surface and it all comes together. It's– strangely satisfying. Is this why you always tried to die?" There was a disturbing amount of thought into those words, sounding too close to the truth than he was comfortable with.

Still, he couldn't stop the way his heart had beaten a little faster, a little desperate now–

"Don't do anything stupid," He chastised as he pulled himself up using the railing. "Don't you trust me, Atsushi-kun?"

He was stalling, grasping for time–

He didn't make it.

oOo

Atsushi's moment of awakening was punctuated by a bright light that burned his eyes the moment he opened them.

It was not a pleasant feeling.

So, he closed them again. And was made aware of a pounding headache that pulsed heavily behind his eyelids. His mouth felt absolutely dry and swallowing had the effect of making him choke out a cough, his throat feeling strangely grainy. His limbs weighed heavily for some reason and he felt suffocated by how awfully warm everything seemed to be. He couldn't remember the last time he felt absolutely burdened by his own body.

"Oi, are you awake or are you going back to sleep?" A deep voice grumbled from his left.

Slowly prying his eyes open, he ignored the ache that it seemed to spark in his vision as he redirected his gaze towards the speaker. He waited for his vision to clear and was rewarded by the sight of a rather disgruntled Kunikida, seated on a chair, reading over a stack of paperwork, and looking wearier than Atsushi remembered him being. His eyes then strayed around the room he was in and realized he was in the infirmary.

"W-What happened?" He asked weakly, straining to get the words out.

The blonde stood, setting aside his paperwork, to help him sit up and urged him to drink a glass of water. The teen greedily drank from the glass, feeling the liquid soothe his parched throat. Although it still felt grainy, almost raw, he was grateful for the cool reprieve that the water had given him. Coughing once more, he laid back down and faced Kunikida who sat down and gazed at him evenly, giving Atsushi his full attention.

"What do you remember?" He questioned directly, pushing his glasses up.

Atsushi closed his eyes and tried to recall what would lead him here.

His headache seemed to worsen but he ignored it, focusing on answering the other's query.

"We were working on cases? A case? About random bombings and several problems of reported violence. I-I was working with Kyouka-chan in tracking one of the possible bomb threat by a restaurant." Here, he took a deep breath, trying to ignore how he seemed to be burning in his own skin. "I think we saw the person responsible, an ability user, and he–" Atsushi paused as a sudden chill entered his system, a painful contrast to the boiling sensation within him.

"He what?" Kunikida prodded, an almost disturbed look starting to appear on his face.

"He tagged me with his ability," Atsushi shivered under the blanket covering him, shame was something he was always familiar with, and he tried his best not to look away.

Though, he didn't understand why the blonde wasn't surprised, looking almost pained.

"Of course, what else do you recall?" Kunikida's words were almost gentle in its questioning, a grimace curling his lips. He didn't know what was warranting this behavior. He was feeling very tired and still horribly hot.

There was another problem. It was all blank.

"I-I can't remember, I don't even really know what his ability was," Atsushi admitted, breathing heavily through his nose. "Wait, is he still out there? Is that what this is? I-I'm sorry, I can't–" He tried to sit up, panicking and wanting to feel useful, but he was firmly pushed back down.

To his surprise, a cool hand was pressed against his forehead. It was calming to the scorching heat emanating from his being that he closed his eyes in relief, melting back into the bed.

"You're burning up," Kunikida sounded vaguely worried. "Don't worry yourself about it, brat. Dazai already got to him and put an end to his atrocities. Focus instead on recovering, you've been out for a week." At this, an odd expression emerged from his face, something that Atsushi wasn't sure if he should be really reading into it. It faintly reminded him of how Kunikida had looked when that small girl had blown herself up, believing them to be bad people out to harm her brother. A bit unsteady, a bit shaken.

Atsushi found that he never wanted that look directed towards him.

"Dazai will explain everything to you," The blonde continued as he covered Atsushi's eyes with a hand, probably figuring out that the lighting was giving him a headache. "For now, just sleep and recover. We've taken care of the rest," He removed his hand when the teen had closed them.

"It's okay?" He asked just to be certain.

"Just sleep, Atsushi," Kunikida sighed, repeating his words.

And he fell asleep once again.

oOo

The next time he woke up, he felt much better than earlier. He wasn't feeling like burning in his own skin, could breathe easier, and the headache was more manageable. Although he still felt warm, he felt invigorated with renewed energy. This time, he didn't need anyone's help in order to sit up, eyes already adjusting around the empty room to see that no one was around. At least, that was what he assumed before Yosano came to view, having been seated behind her customary desk.

"Atsushi!" She called out in surprise, quickly striding towards him.

"Y-Yosano-san?" He called out uncertainly, unnerved by the overwhelming relief in her voice.

To his surprise, he was taken into her arms and enveloped in a warm hug.

"You stupid kid," She whispered, tightening her hold. "You selfish, stupid kid," She sighed almost fondly, ruffling his silver locks a bit roughly before letting him go. Despite himself, he couldn't exactly hold in the giddy laugh that bubbled out of his mouth, cheeks tinted pink.

Still smiling, he took in her pristine appearance. Although she looked at ease, he could see traces of tension that was still slowly draining out of her stance.

"I didn't believe it when Kunikida told us you woke up this morning," Yosano shook her head, part amused and part disbelieving. "Although we all know he's not one to joke around especially on a serious matter like this, it was just so hard to believe–" She bit down her lip and cut herself off, brows furrowing, an uncharacteristic hesitation coloring her actions. She tensed, looking obviously uncertain about something.

"That I would wake up?" He finished the unspoken words wryly.

"Is it true?" She asked instead, a demand in her voice that had him freezing. "You don't remember anything? What led you here?" She pursed her lips. Her brows furrowed with evident frustration and it was driving Atsushi up the wall.

Still, staring at her with wide eyes, he slowly shook his head, confused.

"Your fever's gone down," The woman assessed as she pressed the back of her hand towards his forehead. "Do you feel anything strange? Headache, having trouble with eyesight or your hearing? Nauseous? Dizzy?" She questioned him, already shifting onto her professional approach.

Slightly overwhelmed by her questioning, he took his time pondering his answers.

"My head feels kind of heavy. It hurts a bit if I move too much, I-I think," He offered, sounding unsure, but she just urged him to continue. "I don't feel anything, aside from that. I feel much better compared to earlier." Atsushi assured her, grateful for her concern.

Why am I here, indeed? He thought.

"That's good," Yosano nodded in satisfaction. "I was a bit worried. You were so out of it that you didn't even wake up during the procedure," She sighed to her hand dramatically, the wicked smirk curving her lips making him go pale and smile weakly. He'd rather not.

However, her playful countenance quickly fell away to give way to a blank expression.

"I didn't have to do much, though," She murmured before striding towards the door. "You, stay there and behave. I'm going to call in the others." She ordered him, her purposeful strides long and hurried.

Atsushi wondered what this uneasy feeling was. He couldn't seem to shake it. It had been there earlier too, when he'd been talking to Kunikida. It was almost as if they were afraid of him. Of what he would do. His hands shook as he thought about transforming and losing control, something he hadn't done in a long time under the president's ability. Still, that had been the only time he didn't remember anything. Like now.

He clenched his hands on his lap.

"Atsushi-kun!" A voice suddenly yelled in joy, cutting him off from his negative thoughts, before a warm weight settled around his shoulders and chest.

At first, he was overwhelmed by the assault before his eyes softened and he patted the other's back comfortingly.

"I'm glad to see you too, Tanizaki-san," He laughed quietly.

The ginger haired detective pulled back sheepishly, stepping away to give him back his personal space. Still, before Atsushi could put a word in, he was wrapped into another hug from Naomi this time. He relished in the warmth they provided. He smiled as the siblings beamed at him, wearing matching pleased expressions.

"You worried us, Atsushi-kun," Tanizaki admitted, a strange edge to his smile.

"We're both glad that you're alright," Naomi smiled warmly, already hugging her brother's arm, an odd contrast to her brother's cautious behavior. "Though, someone really missed you," Her smile faltered before she shifted herself and her brother to make way for a new figure.

Atsushi's eyes widened.

"Kyouka-chan," He called out in relief, already beckoning her towards him with open arms.

Though, he was shocked when her small hand connected with his cheek, a resounding slap echoing in the room. All noise died down as Atsushi's eyes widened, unseeing. Still, when he carefully turned his head, it was to see a red-faced Kyouka, her hand still in the air, biting her lip as tears streamed down her cheeks. He tried to say something, anything, but all the words got stuck in his chest. Kyouka could be emotional, he knew, but she was always in control as much as possible.

I did this, his mind murmured.

Before he could try saying anything, she surged forward and dived straight to his stomach, wrapping her skinny arms around his torso. Tears seeped through the thin shirt he wore. He didn't mind, though, and gently patted the girl's head instead.

"Idiot! Don't ever do that again!" Her muffled voice sounded, her grip tightening. Don't leave, her actions said.

"I–" He wanted to say I won't but he didn't know enough of his circumstances to promise anything.

"We're all glad you're awake, Atsushi-san!" Kenji's voice boomed cheerily, standing with the President who offered him a rather respective nod and Kirako offered him a jovial wave. "Are you hungry yet? We can fix up something fulfilling. Maybe a beef bowl? Or even that tea dish you adore so much," The blonde boy grinned, the only person seeming to be the normal out of the lot.

"Maybe later, Kenji-kun," Atsushi answered sheepishly.

Looking around, he realized that some people were not present.

"Uhm," He turned to Tanizaki, brows furrowed. "Where are Ranpo-san, Kunikida-san and Dazai-san?" He asked quietly, trying not to let his disappointment show. He felt disappointment well up in him as he'd been hoping that he would see Dazai, at least. Though, he reasoned that it was because Kunikida told him the brunet would explain everything. And he'd been getting anxious the longer he stayed ignorant.

At this, Tanizaki squirmed, obviously uncomfortable.

"Kunikida-san and Dazai-san are out on a job," Kyouka answered him, straightening out as she roughly wiped her cheeks with the handkerchief that she procured from her kimono sleeve. "And Ranpo-san has been out solving cases with Poe-san." She continued quietly, one hand tightly gripping his.

That didn't necessarily explain Tanizaki's reaction.

As if reading his mind, Kenji stepped beside Kyouka.

"Ah, Ranpo-san and Dazai-san are not exactly on good terms," He responded straightforwardly, honestly seeing nothing wrong with his statement while Atsushi blinked furiously. "They've been giving each other a hard time. So, the President got sick of their behavior and decided that Ranpo-san would be out solving cases instead with Poe-san while Dazai-san cools down. It's a good thing that you woke up, though, I'm sure those two would finally resolve their differences." He hummed, his usual naïve and optimistic self.

"They needed to clear their heads," Fukuzawa merely put in. "You should get some rest. The agency has not been the same without you," The man said it with such a straight face that Atsushi's cheeks warmed at the thought.

After that, the greetings and well-wishes came in again. He chatted with them for a bit, Kyouka having glued herself to his side the whole time, while Kenji tried to offer him once again beef bowls and temptations of ochazuke. He laughed when Naomi got handsy with Tanizaki and ignored their antics while Kirako told him to get well soon and even brought a bouquet of tulips by his bedside table. It wasn't long before things got rowdy and Yosano eventually grew annoyed, kicking everyone out.

Kyouka had been the last to leave, offering another tight hug and promising to visit first thing in the morning.

Still, Atsushi was overwhelmed by the care he'd just been showered with.

It was when he laid at bed that night when he wondered what exactly happened.

oOo

Since the infirmary was technically in the same building as the office, Atsushi got permission to walk around from Yosano. Though, he'd been explicitly threatened that he still wasn't clear to work on anything and that he shouldn't worry since Kunikida had already been notified (read: terrorized). His fever had finally receded and while his headache pulsed from time to time, he felt infinitely better being able to move around.

Dressed in a white shirt and some dark pants, he entered the empty office at dawn. He'd fallen asleep very early that night and had woken up immediately too.

With nothing better to do, he'd opted to visit his workplace again. According to Kunikida, he'd been out for a week. It wasn't that long but with how the others treated him made it feel like he'd been gone longer than that. Though, he could still see the plastic bag of the takeout he and Kyouka had purchased from their suspect's location wedged between some paperwork and he smiled sheepishly as he saw his doodle on the notepad when he was supposed to be listening to Kunikida explain the case.

Humming under his breath, he pulled out his chair in order to sit only to cry out in alarm when a pair of legs clattered to the ground followed by a yelp as a body soon followed after.

Scrambling backwards in fear, he stared with wide eyes as Dazai groaned from the ground before slowly sitting up, having not seen him being hidden under the desks as he was.

"Atsushi-kun? Is that you?" The brunet sleepily murmured as he rubbed his eyes, wincing as he massaged the back of his head.

"W-Why are you even sleeping there?" Atsushi choked out in worry. "You could've just slept on the couch, Dazai-san," He sighed as he tried to calm down the rapid beating of his heart from the scare, feeling a new headache pulsing along with it.

The man didn't answer immediately and made to stretch his arms over his head before standing up.

"It's for when Kunikida-kun comes in. I can still sleep in without being called out on instantly. He'd taken to barging into my apartment, you know." He sighed morosely, sporting a rather questionable wounded expression as he held a hand towards his chest.

Feeling his eye twitch ever so slightly, he decided to turn around and head for the couch. That sounded like a better idea. He forgot that while he was fond of Dazai, it was never healthy to get a dose of him so early in the morning.

Though, he paused when a hand grabbed his wrist.

"I'm glad you're here," came Dazai's soft voice, it was rather unusual of him that Atsushi had to face him.

The man's face was tilted down, his bangs covering his eyes. When the teen didn't say anything, the brunet stepped forward and gently pulled him towards his chest, a hesitant arm wrapping around his shoulders. Despite himself, Atsushi felt blood rush to his cheeks at the proximity. Whatever calm he'd managed to achieve earlier was thrown out the window as his heart seemed to be doing a marathon with how fast it was beating.

Despite the worsening headache that followed, he stood carefully in his mentor's arms, feeling Dazai's tense frame.

"Dazai–" Atsushi called out uncertainly. "–san?"

"I'm just tired of watching good people die," Dazai murmured softly.

They stayed like that for a few minutes and Atsushi cherished this moment, he'd never been held like this before. Like he was something significant. And tried not to think too deeply about the man's words for it could mean a lot of things. Things he wasn't ready to acknowledge.

He grunted though when the man suddenly leaned his full weight on him. This bastard–

"Ah, Kunikida-kun worked me too hard yesterday, I'm so tired," Dazai proclaimed rather dramatically as he practically squashed the other. "And I haven't been asleep that long. You're too early, Atsushi-kun," He whined as Atsushi exasperatedly led them towards the couch, grunting at the heaviness of the larger man. Though, he blushed further when the brunet continued to lean on him until Dazai was practically sprawled on his lap.

Deciding that this wasn't good for his heart (or his head), he decided to change the subject.

"Kunikida-san told me that you would explain to me what happened," He murmured quietly and he felt Dazai's entire being go still. "Everyone's been acting worried. I even got slapped by Kyouka-chan, you know. What exactly happened to me, Dazai-san?" He tried not to sound desperate, trying to push away the dark thoughts that had plagued him.

"Kyouka-chan did?" Dazai questioned, face turned away from Atsushi.

The teen smiled.

"She did. And it hurt a lot," He laughed a bit before he sobered. "I think I'd like to know why she would feel the need to do that," He continued wryly.

"You got yourself in danger," Dazai merely said, shifting his head to give him a rather wide insincere smile. "You and Kyouka-chan went to investigate our suspect and got caught up in an explosion. You know those bombings. You've just gotten the brunt of the explosion. Trying to save everybody," His brown eyes seemed to darken and Atsushi felt himself shrink at the ominous pitch in the man's voice.

"I did?" He asked faintly.

"And I didn't make it on time," A bitter laugh escaped Dazai's mouth as he buried his face in Atsushi's lap. "We thought you're not going to make it," He whispered so quietly that Atsushi had to strain his ears to hear him.

Despite the shock still filling him and feeling as if Dazai omitted a lot, Atsushi felt himself soften as he combed his hand through Dazai's hair.

"I'm here," Atsushi assured him.

Dazai didn't say anything.

oOo

The next time he woke up, it was to a familiar pounding behind his eyes that now seemed to accompany his waking moments.

He blinked furiously to clear his vision, sitting up with a yawn. Stretching his arms over his head, he took in his surroundings and gave a jolt of surprise when he saw the others already working around the office. His head snapped to the coat draped over him and concluded that he must've fallen asleep at some point on the sofa earlier this morning. In fact, the coat's owner was sulking over his desk, mulishly sorting through paperwork.

Atsushi massaged his temple, wincing as he felt his headache pulse for attention.

"Is your head giving you any trouble?" A pleasant voice cut in and Atsushi narrowed his eyes to see Naomi holding out a glass of water to him.

"Thank you, Naomi-san," He gratefully accepted the glass. "It's just a headache. I figured it's probably from having been asleep for too long," Atsushi smiled sheepishly as he took small sips of water, not wanting to upset his equilibrium by chugging it down.

He paused though at the worried frown on Naomi's face.

"If you're sure," She hedged hesitantly. "You should tell Yosano-san if it gets worse, though," She gave him a tiny smile before skipping back to Kirako, helping her in organizing the stacks of paperwork.

His grip on the glass of water tightened, feeling that unease once again. It was almost as if– she knew something he didn't. He'd been getting that vibe from everyone ever since he woke up. Not to mention, these headaches were becoming rather frequent, he was worried too. Though, he wasn't sure if it was fine to complain about it because it might've been just due to having been asleep for a week.

Standing up, he shuffled towards his desk. Not to work, he reminded himself when Yosano's gaze sharply snapped to him in warning, but because it was better than sitting on the couch.

"Ah, Atsushi-kun! You're awake!" Dazai cried rather melodramatically, obviously giving him attention to escape work. "While you were having your beauty sleep over there, Kunikida-kun had us working on this paperwork! Can you believe the injustice of having to watch you taking your catnap while we're subjected to this torture?" He went on and on, gesturing wildly and even adding a fake sob somewhere in the middle of his tirade.

"Stop stressing him, you idiot and do your goddamn work!" Kunikida yelled from across them.

"See what I have to put up with, Atsushi-kun?" Dazai cried to him, draping himself on Atsushi's side. "He's been like this for a week that you've been playing sleeping beauty," He whined endlessly and Atsushi blushed partly at the contact and partly in secondhand embarrassment because of Dazai's dramatics.

He wasn't ready for Kunikida's retort.

"That's because you've been rampaging in the office and giving everyone a hard time ever since–" Kunikida's torrent of angry words were cut off when Dazai's hand slammed on the table, effectively silencing everyone.

"Are you slacking off, Kunikida-kun? Is that it? You certainly got a lot of time on your hands to be scolding me," Dazai gave the blonde a rather bland smile.

Whatever the bespectacled man had been about to say had obviously triggered something in the brunet. Atsushi stared with wide eyes as Kunikida stiffened in his seat, grimacing, while Dazai merely went on with smiling widely as he got off the teen, a rather sinister air emanating from him. He knew that these two often clashed because of Dazai's perceived lackadaisical attitude and Kunikida's disciplined character but in all those encounters, he'd never actually seen Dazai retaliate in such a caustic manner.

He decided that he'd seen enough.

Standing up from his seat, his eyes immediately sought out Kyouka's who had been watching him the entire time.

"I'd like to go home and rest," He announced to everyone with a strained smile, his headache pounding painfully. "If that's alright with you,"

oOo

Not to his surprise, he'd been given the week off. It had been Kunikida who'd sent him the message.

Unfortunately, Kyouka still had to go to work despite her desire to accompany him on that period. But for now, Kunikida had given her the go signal to keep him company for the day. They both needed it. Still, while he knew Kyouka's concern for him, he couldn't help the guilt he felt for worrying her. While she normally stuck close to him on normal days, even grasping his sleeve when they were wandering the city, she had now taken to holding his hand when they were on their way back to the dorms.

He was reminded that Kyouka was still young. Not by much, but still. And the way she held his hand, as if the only family she now had might disappear, made his heart ache.

Atsushi smiled as Kyouka handed him a cup of tea.

"Thank you," He gratefully accepted the cup and took a whiff of the comforting scent of matcha. "Did you stay here by yourself?" While I was gone, was left unsaid.

Kyouka shook her head.

"The first two days, I stayed by your side in the infirmary," She answered quietly, eyes focused on the table. "After that, Yosano-san asked me to leave and get some rest. Since I would've been alone otherwise, Kirako-san had me staying with her for the past few days," The girl smiled at this, obviously recalling the woman.

That… was good. He wouldn't know how to go about apologizing if he'd known Kyouka had been alone and worrying over him.

Taking a sip of tea, he sighed as it helped in soothing the pulsing ache behind his eyes.

"I'm just glad no one got hurt from the explosion," Atsushi blurted out before realizing that it might not have been a good idea considering what he'd put Kyouka through. However, he watched as her brows furrowed, as if she was puzzling over something.

"You took the choice out of everyone's hands," She merely retorted slowly, carefully gauging his reaction.

He recalled Dazai's words. How he'd gotten the brunt of the explosion. Then now, including Kyouka's words, Atsushi was starkly reminded of his entrance exam to the agency. Pressed for time as he was during that time, he didn't even have time to second-guess his actions, not having the chance to properly contemplate the consequences if he died in the next second. His body had just moved on its own, despite being scared out of his mind.

Trying to summon up any memory from what he'd been told so far prompted no recollections of the incident.

Everyone's reaction, however, had led him to believe that he'd died. Or something close to it. Dazai's words suddenly made him shiver– I'm just tired of watching good people die, he'd said it with such grief that he couldn't help but wonder who the man had lost before. Atsushi didn't even realize that he'd made such an impact on the man's life to elicit such profound emotion from him. It turned his blood icy.

For a moment, all was quiet. Atsushi found that silences with Kyouka weren't necessarily uncomfortable, quite the opposite, and this was no different. He'd always appreciated her presence ever since she'd come to live with him.

Atsushi wanted to keep this warmth, the tea heating his cold hands, the smile that they shared, and the quiet company of a good person.

It was enough.

oOo

The next day, he was just cleaning up the table after breakfast when a knock on his door called on his attention.

Kyouka had left a few minutes ago and he knew that he hadn't been expecting anyone to visit. Wiping his hands on his pants, he stalked over to the door, peering through the eyehole and reeled back in astonishment at who was standing outside. He kind of expected Yosano to check up on him, maybe even Dazai who visited on a random basis, or Tanizaki who would stop by to see if he and Kyouka needed anything.

Atsushi was not anticipating this.

Opening the door, he gave an uncertain smile towards his surprise guest.

"Ranpo-san, I wasn't expecting you," He said in lieu of a greeting, feeling awkward as the detective raised an eyebrow at him.

"That's the point, Atsushi," Edogawa Ranpo gave him a wide grin, pushing the door open and went past Atsushi into his apartment uninvited. "When Yosano-san told me that you've woken up and was given permission to go back home, I knew that this might be my only chance to talk to you in private. Especially with someone like Dazai around, it would be next to impossible to get this opportunity," The man rambled on as he seated himself by the low table.

Atsushi smiled in exasperation as he closed the door.

"I heard that you and Dazai-san had a disagreement," He hedged in as he sat across from the other. "Is that what this is?" He further questioned as he recalled Kenji's words.

Ranpo pursed his lips.

"You may be onto something," He propped his chin on his hand and, as usual, his answers were always on the side of vague. Like Dazai, come to think of it. "Though, you're not actually that far off. Dazai and I have our differences. He knows that what I did was for the best. Doesn't mean that he had to like it," He gave a rather wry smile, so unlike the usual smug or bored quirk of his lips that Atsushi was taken aback.

"Does–" Atsushi paused, unsure if he should really be presuming this much. "Does it have to do with what happened?" To me?

"Of course, it does!" Ranpo laughed incredulously, removing his hat and combed his hands through his hair. "At this point, I'm sure that Dazai resents me. But, that's fine, it's not my job to please him or everybody. I would say that I was impressed with your resolve but that would be in poor taste after what you did. I know the risk when I gave you that third option. You knew it too and still–" He cut himself off as he suddenly paused, brows furrowing.

"Ranpo-san?" Atsushi didn't understand where this was going at all, what the hell Ranpo was talking about, and where did everything fit in.

"He didn't tell you, did he?" He lips twisted into something between a grimace and a scowl. "The nerve of that guy…" He bit his lip, obviously displeased about something.

"Dazai-san left a lot of things out," Atsushi acknowledged with a sad smile, having already deduced that for himself. "No one would actually tell me anything. And I-I won't push but–" He rambled on, feeling his pulse quicken.

The older detective shook his head sharply in clear disagreement.

"No, you don't understand," Ranpo released a sharp exhale, suddenly looking like he wanted to be anywhere but there. "He didn't tell you anything. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so calm about it. Not you. I might've come at an inconvenient time then." He reluctantly admitted as he stood up abruptly and headed for the door.

"W-Wait, Ranpo-san!" Atsushi scrambled to his feet, calling out as the older detective stepped out.

By the time he reached the door, Ranpo was already gone.

Chapter Text

"You brat." Kunikida growled loudly as he loomed over a sheepish Atsushi.

"Uh, good morning to you too, Kunikida-san," Atsushi merely opted with a shaky smile, raising his hands in order to physically calm down the other if needed. In fact, he felt sweat gathering on his brow when he sensed Yosano's glare penetrating the back of his head.

The blonde man crossed his arms and tapped his foot in a sign of impatience.

"What part of 'you are to take the week off and rest' do you not understand?" The man scowled as his darkening aura pressed closer, now scaring Atsushi. "While I admire your determination to work and be useful, that wasn't a suggestion, Atsushi. It's an order. It's for your own good. Now, explain why you're here at the office. You're even earlier than that bandage-wasting machine!" He clenched his fists, obviously irate at said brunet who was noticeably missing from the office.

Atsushi laughed nervously as he hunched his shoulders.

Still, how would he explain that he wasn't exactly here to work, per se, but he was here to see Ranpo? Who had yet to show up. After the man disappeared as abruptly as he'd arrived, Atsushi had been left with more unanswered questions. After that, as if alerted of the older detective's presence, Dazai had shown up a few minutes later with a bright smile, claiming he'd earned a day off, and practically taking over Atsushi's apartment while his subordinate had been helpless to his superior's whims.

The brunet had only gone on his way when Kyouka had arrived earlier than was necessary.

"I won't do any work or bother anyone working, I promise!" Atsushi hastily assured as he stared at his lap. "I just don't have anything to do back at the dorms. And it's been pretty quiet there by myself so–"

"Of course," Kunikida swiftly cut him off, awkwardly arranging his glasses as he cleared his throat while Atsushi looked up in surprise. "You can stay." He said stiffly as he wordlessly went back to his desk, already sorting through a thick pile of paperwork almost urgently. Atsushi didn't want to think the worst of the blonde but it appeared as if Kunikida suddenly hadn't wanted to continue the conversation.

At least, not with the direction it was heading.

"Kunikida-san, about what happened–" He tentatively brought up, voice quiet.

"You should focus on recovering first," The blonde man retorted, his brows pinching and his lips curling into a scowl, obviously displeased about something. "You should have nothing to worry about. Not anymore." His eyes narrowed as his concentration on work became more intense, letting it go as if he truly believed Atsushi was aware of everything.

What does that even mean? He wanted to say but Atsushi instead felt himself smiling. For the alternative was something he couldn't bother everyone with.

The mild headache he'd been nursing since he woke up pulsed with a vengeance.

He winced as he blinked furiously, resisting the urge to openly massage his temple to ease it away. He didn't want to be sent back to the dorms or the infirmary where he would be kept away from the others and left to his own thoughts.

What did I do?

"I-I think I'll get something to eat first," He announced impulsively as he stood up, knowing could wait later.

"Wait for Tanizaki–" Kunikida started to say as his eyes surreptitiously roamed the entirety of the office, obviously looking for someone available.

"There's no need for that!" Atsushi exclaimed rather loudly, earning everyone's attention on his person as he raised his hands in a show of placation. "I mean, I did say that I'm not going to bother anyone. Besides, I'm not going to be gone long. Would you like something instead that I can get for you?" He bargained as he stared at them all imploringly, trying to ignore the meaningful stare that the blonde had shot Yosano who shook her head sharply at him.

"I'll have coffee!" Yosano raised her hand with a smirk while he nodded.

"Can you get me one of those vanilla milkshakes?" Kenji added thoughtfully as twisted in his chair to give him a grin. "They were being endorsed by the girls last few weeks ago. Though, I think I'll settle for a less complicated flavor."

Atsushi remembered that. He recalled promising Kyouka that they would go to the nearest café that sold those as soon as the case was over. The girl had even wrangled a crepe to go with it. He felt himself frown as he realized that the girl hadn't brought it up to him. Atsushi didn't like the fact that whatever had happened to him had obviously gotten in the way of his promise, maybe he should just buy those for when she got back from her errands with the Naomi and Kirako?

"Sure, Kenji-kun," He smiled at the younger boy, glad that his request had reminded him of his promise.

When it seemed like no one was going to add to the list, he gave a small bow and left quietly.

oOo

Sometimes, even if his reasons were kind of skewed, Nakajima Atsushi could be quite stubborn. This was a fact proven by Tanizaki when the silver haired teen had held off from eating sweets that one time Dazai had jokingly observed his supposed increasing weight no matter how much Tanizaki insisted the contrary. It was a pathetic spectacle, especially when sweets were an abundant delicacy in the office, and Dazai had finally taken pity on the other by apologizing with a basket of every diabetic snack he could think of.

Even then, Atsushi had just limited his sugar intake to at least twice a week. It was evident that it wasn't because the teen was conscious of his figure but because he'd been afraid that he'd been indulging too much. It was a small thing that Atsushi had obviously hadn't let go of. At least, the brunet had made up for it by being his de facto supplier once in a while.

Now, when Atsushi had said he was going to get something to eat and without the threat of work from Kunikida, he'd gone out of his way to look for a café that was a few ways from the agency. He knew not to get too far, there were still a lot of targets on his head, but since he'd already gone and insisted on it, he thought that he should just go all the way and take a breath from everyone.

So, despite his guilt and embarrassment of giving in to a moment of recklessness, he persevered and found himself a quaint little café tucked in the corners of the city's bustling street.

He'd ordered a cheap breakfast set of rice, grilled fish and miso soup. They didn't have any ochazuke but it was still a fulfilling meal. He and Kyouka weren't able to have breakfast this morning because of her errands with the girls and he'd told her of his intention of visiting the office, so he'd gone along with her. He knew that he could've waited for break when he could eat with everyone but aside from being honestly hungry, he figured that he could use a little break from overthinking things.

The teen pursed his lips. Dazai had always been reserved about his intentions and he rarely spoke straightforwardly about anything. He would tell Atsushi if he felt that he needed to hear it. Atsushi had gotten used to that. He trusted him without reservation. If he felt that it was something Atsushi wasn't ready to know, then he would trust his judgment. The general decision had been that it had to come from Dazai, even Ranpo had conceded that much, but had been adamant that the brunet should've told him regardless.

Staring out the window, all this thinking was making his headache worse–

"Nakajima-kun?" A voice called out to him.

He jerked in shock at being addressed, it was rare for anyone to call him by his last name. Still, when he twisted around, he was pleasantly startled to see Sakaguchi Ango standing almost awkwardly by the entrance, take-out coffee in one hand and a folder in the other.

"Ango-san!" He smiled politely upon seeing the man.

"It's quite a surprise to see you here," The other finally approached his table as if by acknowledging the man had meant his presence was welcomed. "This place is a bit out of the agency's way, don't you think?" His lips twitched into a small smile, not sounding reproachful despite his words.

His cheeks warmed in embarrassment.

"J-Just thought that I'd try something new," He couldn't keep out the stutter in his words, hoping that at least the other hadn't caught on to his uncertainty. "Anyway, please sit down!" He hurriedly put in, half-hoping to steer clear of the questioning about himself and half-alarmed that he'd kept the other standing.

"How is Dazai-kun doing?" Ango merely went on as he sat down on the vacant chair across the teen with a grateful nod.

Atsushi couldn't recall ever conversing with the man directly before, sometimes it always involved a case or they were in the middle of a conflict. What he knew though was that this person was Dazai's friend. Dazai had spoken of the other a few times, mostly when discussing about cooperating with the authorities or those rare moments when he mentioned that Kunikida often reminded him of the other about being a workaholic.

With the brunet being a former member of the Port Mafia, no one from the agency was exactly surprised to know he also had connections in the government.

"Ah, he's still the same as always," Atsushi found himself smiling, trying to forget grief-stricken words as arms wrapped around him almost cautiously. "He didn't show up to work this morning, though, and last time I saw, Kunikida-san had been contemplating helping him with his suicide if he finally decides to show up." He sighed a bit exasperatedly, already resigned to the man's antics after months of knowing him.

"In some ways, he hadn't changed at all," Ango remarked almost wistfully as he stared out the window.

What was he like before? He wanted to ask but didn't have the courage to. It felt too personal of a question and he didn't want to seem like he was digging up Dazai's history. Atsushi was still learning that what had occurred in the past should stay in the past. Akutagawa had driven that point home by telling him that his past didn't have to ruin his future. Although it irked him that it had to come from the violent man, Atsushi couldn't deny the truth either.

"Also, please tell Kunikida-san that the debriefing had been finally closed. I actually just got the papers from the attorney's office." He quietly put the folder he'd been holding on the table. "Although Dazai-kun had been cleared from any charges, the initial verdict of putting him on probation had been dismissed. The officials had considered his service in stopping the criminal that had been accountable for a lot of deaths." Ango frowned deeply, his brows furrowing as his eyes drilled into the folder.

"What?" Atsushi uttered in shock, not completely understanding the words but he got the gist that Dazai did something that warranted judgment from the law. "I don't understand," He shook his head slowly, eyes wide.

"Of course, you've been in a self-recovery coma while this was happening," The man sighed as he slid the folder towards Atsushi as if it wasn't a confidential document. "Dazai-kun went beyond his jurisdiction and killed the perpetrator of those bombings. There was evidence that it was self-defense but a lot of things were too convenient for it to be simply dismissed. That was the reason he'd been debriefed right after. I'm surprised that you didn't know considering some of the backlash it caused the agency."

Feeling the blood drain from his face, he debated with himself if he really should open the folder.

"I don't know what to say," He settled for saying quietly.

"Some things are still not clear and I've been hoping that you can shed light to it, seeing as you've been at the crux of this case," Ango said carefully, as if he wasn't certain if he'd be offending Atsushi. "But Fukuzawa-san had been adamant that you'll provide your account once things have been resolved on your end." He looked almost imploringly at the teen.

Pushing the folder back towards Ango, Atsushi abruptly stood up, not wanting to meet the other's gaze.

"I think I'm gonna go," Atsushi decided, the beat of his heart in tandem with his headache, dropping bills on the table before striding towards the exit. He was scared. A lot of things weren't making sense.

"Nakajima-kun, please listen–" There was a plea in Ango's voice, calling after him.

By all means, he was being rude.

He knew deep down that he wasn't bothered that Dazai had killed. Atsushi had always known that the man could. It's still taking him quite some time to reconcile with the idea that if he continued to fight, he would also be forced the make that choice.

No, what bothered him was why Dazai killed that man and it seemed like Ango was too.

Atsushi paused in his step by the crosswalk, waiting for the pedestrian signal to turn green. Without even looking, he heard Ango's footsteps catch up to him.

"Wait, Nakajima-kun! I just–"

But the teen didn't hear any of it. His eyes suddenly transfixed as he met dark eyes staring back at him. There, right across the road. Standing amongst the other pedestrians. His wavy blonde hair and white suit was distinct among the sea of brunets. Atsushi was paralyzed. And his heartbeat was oddly loud in his ears. A chill washed over him and there was an itch under his skin. He took a step back, then forward, undecided.

The man smiled at him. Wide and empty. Something resonated deep with him.

He knew that man.

Atsushi didn't know how or why but he felt it in his being. He knew this person. And judging from the gaze directed back at him, this man knew him too. Now, Atsushi might be slow on the uptake sometimes, but he didn't believe in coincidences that when he's experiencing temporary loss of memory, he would encounter someone he felt was familiar. His chest constricted and there was a sudden strong urge burning within him.

The man's smile widened, almost malicious, before he twisted around to presumably leave. His braid swaying with his footfalls.

Without really thinking about it, Atsushi jerked into motion.

He ran after him. Into the middle of traffic.

Atsushi skipped sideways as a car almost hit him, honking loudly as empty apologies spilled from his lips. He was in a hurry as he navigated amongst the moving cars and angry drivers in the middle of the road, eyes fixed on that man. There was a burning need, it was a frantic energy that seemed to flow through his veins. The emotions that ran through him were a mix of fear, determination and unexplained anger.

Still, despite his reflexes, he'd still been blindsided when another speeding car appeared and crashed into him. The world tilted sideways. Screams and shouts were echoing around him. It seemed like a mere second before he rolled off of the roof of the car onto the trunk before falling helplessly against the pavement.

Groaning, he blinked his eyes against the black dots in his vision, pushing himself up sluggishly. His ears were ringing.

"–jima-kun! What the hell are you doing?" Ango's voice was shrieking beside him as he pulled Atsushi up by the arm and it seemed like the muted sounds around him blared to life without warning, making him groan and wince.

"No, no, no," He whispered almost hysterically as he pushed the older man off. "That guy, I need to talk to him–" He muttered under his breath, eyes already frantically searching.

Then, he was cut off by a gunshot.

oOo

Atsushi held his head between his hands and resisted the urge to yell out his frustration.

He hadn't been able to hunt down that man. On another note, he'd busted his temple on the car accident which had bled profusely onto his shirt. Even if the injury had already healed itself and he could wash off the dried blood on his head, he couldn't exactly just go back and hope that the others would miraculously ignore the blood stains. Not to mention, the chaos he'd caused at the street. And that was before he'd been shot at point blank.

So much for recovering, Kunikida would be the one to end him.

"You know, Atsushi-kun," A voice suddenly piped up, making his head snap up. "When Ango gave me a call, I was expecting good news. Really good news. Not that my subordinate tried to kill himself and had that same subordinate gunned down in broad daylight." Dazai's tone was deceptively pleasant, even his smile was disarming, but it was the way he stared at Atsushi, gaze intense and unmoving that gave away a different message.

"I-It's not what you think–" Atsushi helplessly tried to defend himself.

"Then what is it?" Dazai cut him off as he leaned against the wall of Ango's office across the other. "There's a limit to stupidity. Even you know this much." His voice remained that touch of pleasant but the implication behind his words was clear.

Atsushi felt his neck flush with humiliation. He'd gotten scolded by the brunet a few times before but never this harshly. He knew he screwed up. He'd never seen Dazai get angry, not truly, but it was still distressing to him to be on the receiving end of the older man's disappointment.

So, he bit his lip and kept quiet. Fearing that whatever he had to say would be used against him.

"Did you at least see who shot you?" The brunet eventually broke the silence, crossing his bandaged arms as he raised an eyebrow at the apprehensive teen. "I'm assuming that since you basically got yourself ran down by a car that you saw who fired that gun at you?" Dazai's voice dipped lower, a promise of something, and Atsushi felt like he was seeing a side of his superior for the first time.

Still, his shoulder throbbed at the reminder, even though the wound had already been healed by his ability.

Now that Dazai brought it up, Atsushi recalled the rather bizarre incident.

"I-I didn't," He quietly admitted, fixing his gaze on his feet. "It was an ability. Right in front of me, a hand holding a gun appeared out of nowhere. L-Like from inside a space. It was aimed at my chest but I tried to move out of the way, only–"

"This person clipped your shoulder instead," Dazai concluded with an almost aggravated sigh. "It's a shame that Ango hadn't been able to get ahold of that gun. It would've made things easier with his ability. Now that we've got that part out of the way, is this related to your suicidal episode preceding that?" There was an odd edge to Dazai's smile, something almost razor sharp, something indecipherable.

Atsushi froze.

Blinking, he forced his body to relax despite the adrenaline coursing through him.

"It's not suicide," Atsushi declared gently as he cleared his throat self-consciously. "I saw a man. He was staring at me from across the street. Dazai-san, I know that man. Or, I felt that I know him. And I just had to know who he was," He finished quietly.

He knew that man, his whole being seemed to say.

"Can you describe him for me?" The older man questioned, humming thoughtfully.

Atsushi did and watched as Dazai frowned, brows furrowing in genuine puzzlement. But there was no recognition. He tried not to let his disappointment to show through. With what had happened supposedly and him missing a chunk of his memory, he'd assumed that the brunet would be able to identify who that man had been.

As if sensing his distress, Dazai sighed at that before pushing off from the wall to sit beside him. For a moment, they stayed silent like that. His headache pulsed steadily, a constant he was now slowly growing used to. He was tired of dancing around the subject. That man had been a key and, for the first time, he felt like he was finally onto something. That he didn't have to rely on waiting, on second-guessing everything.

"There are times when we're better off not knowing things," Dazai eventually said as he slumped backwards on the couch. "Or so I said. The truth isn't always the answer." A small smile reached his lips, not quite reaching his eyes.

"Is that why you lied to me?" At the brunet's stunned gaze, Atsushi elaborated. "Ranpo-san said some strange things," He answered Dazai's questioning look.

"Of course, he did," Dazai laughed but it wasn't out of amusement. "That guy always had something to say. I heard that Ango told you about my hearing." There was something resigned in the way the older man sighed.

As if he was expecting censure from Atsushi.

"Dazai-san," He twisted around to fully stare at the brunet. This was something that Dazai needed to hear. "I don't judge people by their mistakes. If that were the case, I think no one would get a chance to do good because all we are, are our mistakes. Ango-san told me about what you did and I just don't understand why you would do it. Or why an investigation was needed." He shook his head at this.

For a moment, Dazai just stared at him. Then, he released a huff of amusement, as if he shouldn't have expected anything less.

"The Armed Detective Agency is given some leeway in how we handle our cases and certain privileges. Since we're mostly composed of individuals with abilities, we get jobs that are either too difficult for the military police to handle or supernatural in nature." Dazai explained matter-of-factly. "However, that doesn't necessarily exempt us from the law. We've been permitted to carry firearms on our person but it comes with responsibility. While not exactly illegal, when we take someone's life with that responsibility, the authority has the right to perform an evaluation to make sure that we're not abusing it." He shrugged as if it was just practicality.

"Then why did Ango-san make it seem like a worst case scenario?" Atsushi fidgeted, not certain if the man was omitting something again but could only trust his word. "Not to mention, he talked about a backlash to the agency."

Dazai fell silent, eyes staring at the wall across them and posture rigid.

"Let's just say that I had a lapse of judgment," The brunet eventually said, face serene. "Ah, it kind of reminds me of that case I solved with Kunikida-kun during my entrance into the agency. I was forced to lie low this time, though, and only got sent on cases that didn't involve any hostilities." He sighed dramatically and there was that mischievous spark in his eyes at the mention of the blonde.

"Was it really self-defense?" Atsushi persisted, voice a mere whisper.

"If it wasn't?" Dazai grinned challengingly at him as he stood up.

"But you–"

The door abruptly opened and they both turned to see Ango quietly entering the office. The man silently stared at Dazai before trudging to sit on the other side of Atsushi, collapsing on the sofa with a weary sigh. Atsushi felt guilty for making the man deal with the commotion he'd caused earlier. Still, he'd begged him not to call on the others from the agency. But, then again, Dazai was here but he figured that was because he was their mutual friend.

"Trouble in paradise?" Dazai prodded playfully, bending forward to smirk at the man.

"You are horrible, as always, Dazai-kun," Ango craned his neck up a little to give him a sullen glare before directing his suddenly concerned gaze to Atsushi. "You're fine now, right, Nakajima-kun?" His tone was unnerved, lips pursed.

Atsushi blinked.

"A-Ah, yes," He nodded meekly.

"Are you sure?" Ango prompted as he straightened, intensely staring at the teen, like he was trying to decipher what made Atsushi exactly tick.

"Ango, what's this about?" Dazai finally cut in, pulling back with his brows furrowed, obviously sensing that something was amiss and it was something Ango hadn't mentioned on the phone.

The man paused before directing his eyes towards the brunet.

"When Nakajima-kun was shot earlier," Ango paused as his eyes shifted to Atsushi for a second, as if he was choosing his words carefully in front of the teen. "He managed to avoid any fatal shots. However, he had a breakdown right after." He said it in a way as if he wasn't sure if he would frighten Atsushi who stared at him with wide disbelieving eyes.

"I did?" Atsushi took a deep breath, having no recollection of that.

"He started shaking and no one can't seem to get through to him," The bespectacled man shook his head, as if trying to shake off a particularly perturbing image. "So, I had one of the officers escort him to my office while I deal with the disturbance that we've set off a while ago. I called you afterwards," He nodded to Dazai who stood there looking confused for a moment before his expression cleared up.

"Thanks for the heads up, Ango, but I think I'll take it from here," Dazai smiled as he pulled a bewildered Atsushi up from the couch.

"Dazai-kun, there's more to this that you're not telling me, isn't there?"

"Maybe," The brunet merely said.

oOo

Atsushi had been nervous about going back but Dazai had been insistent that he should see Yosano.

While it was already past noon and way overdue for their requested beverages, Atsushi insisted on stopping by the café downstairs to get them. He made sure that the coffee had two tablespoons of cream and one tablespoon of sugar, just like the way Yosano preferred it. And bought two large milkshakes for Kenji and Kyouka. The manager didn't question his disheveled appearance and make a big deal about the blood stains on his person. Thankfully, Lucy was out on a delivery to give him hell for it.

Dazai had cheerfully carried the large take-out cups of milkshake for him while he held Yosano's coffee.

Still, despite his protest, he was firmly pushed by the brunet man towards the infirmary. Dazai was pretty insistent as he told Atsushi that he'd bring the milkshakes to the office and he'd get Yosano for him.

He quietly placed the coffee on Yosano's table and resisted the urge to pull on his stained collar.

"–can't always pull this kind of shit with us, Dazai. We're your friends!" Yosano's indignant voice echoed from behind the door, their footsteps slow and deliberate. "Don't put yourself in a position where we can't save you!" She growled lowly as their steps halted.

"What if I don't need to be saved?" came Dazai's thoughtful reply as if he made it his life's mission to push the buttons of every people he met.

"It's not a matter of need. We want to." She declared firmly. "And that sentiment extends to everyone in the agency." The resolution in her voice was admirable and Atsushi pondered at the pause that permeated after that statement.

Dazai chuckled.

"That's not what Ranpo-san said, though," The tone was playful but the words itself conveyed a certain degree of scorn.

"It's not like that and you know it," was Yosano's quick retort, venomous. "He made a decision that he could live with. Before you point any fingers, think of doing something that you could live with too." With that final statement, the doorknob turned and the woman let herself in, unruffled despite the terse confrontation not a second ago. In fact, she just stomped towards her table, grabbed the cup, and took a hearty gulp of the no doubt scalding liquid.

Atsushi remained quiet, uncertain if he really should be saying anything.

His eyes snapped back towards the door to see an impassive Dazai left standing by the hallway. Though, the brunet huffed in surprise when he was roughly pushed inside by a much shorter figure, revealing herself to Atsushi as soon as they were both inside the infirmary. Wordlessly, Kyouka strode to his side and grabbed his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as her dark eyes stayed fixed on his collar.

Once again, he tried not to pull on it. It wouldn't hide the stains.

"And you!" Yosano suddenly rounded on him, making him jump in alarm. "I don't know if that head injury destroyed your common sense but if you want to follow Dazai's example so badly, you could've just said so. I'll even gladly help until I raise you again from the dead." Her voice darkened, an ominous smile stretching her lips.

"I-It's not what you think!" Atsushi squeaked as he hurriedly hid behind Kyouka.

Yosano grunted before sitting atop her desk, expression stern.

"Now, Dazai, let's get this over with." She demanded rather brusquely.

Rather than elaborate, Dazai was quiet for a few moments. Atsushi felt Kyouka's hand tighten around his, her grip almost painful. Contrary to her words, Yosano patiently waited for whatever it was that the brunet had planned. He heard more than saw Kyouka shift to his side, his focus solely on his superior. Without any warning whatsoever, Dazai had pulled out a gun from around his waist. Atsushi looked confused at that as everyone seemed to gauge his reaction. The brunet then swiftly threw it towards Atsushi.

He caught the weapon instinctively.

The moment his hand felt the rough exterior and his mind caught up what it was exactly that he was holding, it was like he lost control of his body. His heart pounded painfully and all blood seemed to drain from his whole being, leaving him feeling strangely cold. He didn't even notice it when he'd collapsed on his knees, or when Kyouka frantically rubbed his back, whispering assurances. His hands shook uncontrollably and there just didn't seem enough air in the room.

Vaguely, he finally recalled experiencing something similar. The moment he'd heard the shot, it was like he'd faded from the world. It hadn't been until he was being ushered away from the scene that he even had the sense to beg Ango not to call anyone from the agency.

"Atsushi," He snapped back into focus as Yosano forcefully grabbed his face with both hands who was crouching in front of him. "Look at me. It's ok. No one's going to get hurt. You're not gonna get hurt. Breathe with me." She counted, breathing in, out, loudly, until Atsushi finally caught his breath and synced with hers.

He faintly noticed that the gun was gone from his hands.

What's happening to me?

It wasn't the first time he'd encountered or handled a gun. In fact, even if he wasn't trained to use one properly, others usually provided him with a pistol gun during the more dangerous cases and found himself aiming one anyway. It deeply unsettled him as he was starting to realize that while he couldn't dredge up any memories, his body seemed to perfectly remember what he couldn't.

"Whoever that person was, he wasn't aiming to shoot Atsushi-kun," Dazai explained as he bent down beside Yosano, eyes softening with an unspoken apology. "He knew that this would happen the moment he fired. He was stalling for time and didn't want Atsushi-kun to catch up. And the only one who would have a motive like that would be the very person that he was chasing after." He said thoughtfully.

"You already killed the culprit," Kyouka quietly interjected from beside the older teen.

"I did," The brunet calmly claimed.

oOo

"Atsushi, it's fine," Kyouka assured him as she squeezed his hand the moment they got back to the dorms.

Nothing's fine. It's not going to be fine.

"Kyouka-chan," He called her name gently. "Can you tell me one thing? What did I do?" His tone was hopeful but resigned in a way, he was not getting straight answers from anyone. Still, he knew that he hit the proverbial nail on the head when the girl stilled and she fixed Atsushi with a sharp gaze. Her eyes then fell, not quite meeting his, and her lips gave the barest hint of a tremble.

Even just this one, maybe it would all make sense–

"You killed yourself," Kyouka murmured, looking sincerely heartbroken.

Chapter Text

Atsushi woke up to the loud pounding on his door.

Blinking hazily, he realized that he'd fallen asleep out of the usual closet space he normally slept on. In fact, he was lying on his futon which had been pulled out last night, placed right beside Kyouka's. He vaguely remembered their conversation last night and how Kyouka had refused to elaborate further after that revelation. He didn't have it in him to push further at the look on her face. The girl had even insisted for him to sleep out here.

Kyouka's futon had already been folded up with her nowhere in sight. He still felt immensely tired, not having gotten much sleep, and supposed that she had let him stay in bed.

Though, the pounding didn't stop.

Getting up with a groan, he stumbled his way towards the door. He tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes and yawned as he opened the door for his persistent visitor. Some part of him expected Dazai, if only because he knew it bothered Atsushi, but he blinked as he came face to face with a startled Naomi. Behind her stood a rather sheepish Tanizaki and Atsushi blinked slowly as his confused gaze shifted between the two.

"Is it a bad time, Atsushi-kun?" Tanizaki questioned a bit worriedly, rubbing his arm self-consciously.

"What are you talking about?" Naomi cut in in bewilderment as she leaned to stare at the silver haired teen intensely. "It's almost noon, Atsushi-san! We've waited long enough, you know," She pursed her lips, crossing her arms over her chest.

That didn't exactly tell him why they were there.

"E-Eh?" Atsushi took a step back as her word sunk in. "Waited? B-But I didn't know–"

"No, no, no," She shook her head at him, obviously unsatisfied as she gently grabbed him by the shoulders and forcefully turned him around towards his room. "You go back inside and freshen up. We've got places to be!" With that, she pushed him back inside, entering with him uninvited. Not that he minded but he was still very much baffled at what was happening. Staring at his ginger haired friend helplessly over his shoulder, all he received was a resigned shrug.

Tanizaki entered cautiously after them. But he didn't protest about Naomi's manhandling of Atsushi. So, that said a lot.

"Have you been sleeping well?" The other teen asked him quietly.

"Yes," Atsushi realized that he answered too quickly to be believable as both siblings gave him skeptical looks. "I-I just had a lot on my mind last night, that's all." He smiled at them gratefully, honestly warmed at the genuine worry they had for his well-being.

Feeling more awake now, he proceeded to clean up his futon to make more space. As he folded the bedding, he wondered what today was or where he was needed. Naomi had sounded like it was a scheduled outing of some sort. But try as he might, he just couldn't seem to recall what this was about. Grabbing some fresh clothes from the closet, he wondered if he should make some tea while they waited for him.

He suddenly felt bad about everything.

"I-I'll make this quick," He stammered as he hovered, glancing at the seated pair by the table. "Do you want some tea or anything?" He fidgeted in place, feeling warmth spread through his cheeks.

To his surprise, they burst out in stifled laughter.

"It's fine, Atsushi-san," Naomi's lips curved into something between fond and exasperated. "Just hurry up so we can get going." She teased him as she leaned closer to Tanizaki's side with a grin, hand stroking his chest in a way Atsushi would rather not see, or think about, while the other shifted uncomfortably beside his sister.

Smile becoming strained, he nodded fervently and made a run for the bathroom.

oOo

He squirmed, uneasy, as they stood outside a flower shop.

It was a very familiar flower shop.

Before the headmaster was going to meet me, he planned to buy a bouquet of flowers. His own words that seemed from so long ago echoed with startling clarity. His feet remained rooted on the spot as the siblings casually entered the shop. Though, Tanizaki paused and whispered something in Naomi's ear before going back to Atsushi as his sister went ahead. The gaze that met his was grim, if a bit concerned.

Right, the ginger haired teen had been there too.

So why. Why did he bring Atsushi here?

"During the case," Tanizaki expressed softly as he took a deep breath. "You were the one who came here that one time. I know you still have a lot of things to remember but we, Naomi and I, we continued what you started that day when you couldn't. I don't know what you've been thinking back then but, just this once too, push aside your doubts. You'll understand when we get there." He smiled reassuringly at Atsushi, eyes reflecting a certain kind of sadness.

He didn't know where 'there' was exactly but he trusted Tanizaki.

"After his death," Atsushi started, not needing to elaborate who he was talking about. "To tell you the truth, I was relieved. Despite what you and Dazai-san had told me, I can't help it. Even if he's dead, the headmaster's very memory always seemed to haunt me everywhere I go. That was one thing that never changed. Being here, it reminds me that that man did care. In his own twisted way. It's just something that I still can't accept," I don't want to was left unspoken.

He tried not to tense when the other teen's hand fell on his shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

Still, it was an appreciated gesture.

"His ghost doesn't always have to be that of the cruel man you've known," The other stated carefully, probably in an effort not to earn a violent reaction from Atsushi like last time he'd suggested a similar sentiment.

"Maybe when I came here, I've had that in mind." Atsushi allowed himself to relent, even if his heart still wasn't in it.

Not when all his memories of the man were of the cruelty of his childhood.

Tanizaki gave him a tentative smile, as if he understood.

"I got them!" Naomi's voice rang as she stepped out from the shop, carrying a basket of assorted flowers. He recognized all of them, to his consternation. There were a couple of purple hyacinths, some yellow zinnias, some sweet pea, and a single primrose that was tucked carefully in the center. The message they were giving, however, was what caused the pang in his chest to reverberate, too many emotions than he could process.

"You were the one who got that arrangement," Tanizaki said by way of an explanation.

Atsushi swallowed, feeling the painful clench in his chest familiar too.

oOo

Atsushi knew the route they were taking.

Somehow, with the flowers, he dreaded where they were going. He just didn't want it to be true. It was the only explanation on why he would go to that specific flower shop. To him, that place symbolized the man who cared but hadn't had the right to. And the only reason that Atsushi would go there was if he also put himself under that same label.

His foot stilled from making another step as he stared.

"Atsushi-san?" Naomi gently called on him as she looked over her shoulder. Her brows furrowed before her eyes shined with determination as she marched towards him. "Let's go," She declared resolutely as she grabbed his hand and dragged him towards the burnt ruins where a restaurant used to stand, devastation surrounding it. Some of the debris had been cleaned up but the floors were still littered with a few upturned concretes, soot, and the occasional dried blood that stained them.

Suddenly, it was hard to breathe.

An arm over his shoulder made him jump and his eyes met Tanizaki's concerned ones.

"I know it's too sudden," Tanizaki admitted quietly. "But Dazai-san and Kunikida-san agreed that this was necessary. And we couldn't keep this from Atsushi-kun. It's been the talk of the whole city for weeks now. And I think that after all was said and done, that you need to know that it wasn't your fault, that you did the best you could. Because we were all so caught up in catching the criminal, no one found time to say it to you." The ginger haired male squeezed him one more time before letting go.

Atsushi released a shaky breath, his face suddenly too warm.

Still, he found himself following after the siblings. He winced as his headache pulsed and he felt his breath hitching at every flash and at every moment that slowly bled into glimpses of a memory. He remembered asking Kyouka to investigate another building down the block because there had been another message about another bombing while Atsushi went to look for their suspect within the restaurant, hoping to stop him. Unknowing that another explosion would happen right there.

He remembered almost being crushed by the walls, the burning heat and the pain. He remembered his throat burning, the smell of ash and blood and burnt human flesh. He remembered crying, of sobbing, as he pulled out dead bodies. He remembered the burns on his hands, healing over and over, as he touched the burning remains, hoping beyond hope to find any signs of life. And he remembered finding others, the cries of the wounded, and this was all his fault–

There, by the edge of where the establishment used to stand, was a plaque held up by a metal frame. Listed were names of those who died in the explosion. Like how it had been with the other devastated areas. And below that were numerous framed pictures of those people, presumably placed there by their families and loved ones. There were a few children, a few mothers, fathers, a few elderlies. Dazai's lie tasted like the same ash from that day.

He didn't save anyone. Here lied in all the people who died because of his helplessness.

Of course, he should've known. The flowers were already a story all by itself.

As Naomi gently laid the fresh ones beside another basket of the same flowers, albeit a little bit withered, the petals and stems wilting, his mind remembered having read its language in the orphanage's library. The flowers were asking for forgiveness, telling the dead that they'd always be remembered, a bittersweet goodbye. The primrose was a different message altogether, the only one that really bothered him.

"These people–" Atsushi cut himself off, feeling a familiar tightness in his throat.

"Yeah," Naomi's eyes softened with sorrow, eyes focused on the numerous photos lined up before them.

Breath stuttering in his chest and feeling weak in the knees, he allowed himself to fall onto them. The grief was overpowering and the self-loathing was an old friend that claimed him. Blinking blearily, he realized that his vision was being obscured by unshed tears. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. Dazai had killed the bomber who hadn't been able to confess to his crimes and claim responsibility for these people's lives that he'd ended.

Atsushi remembered the feeling of relief upon learning of the headmaster's death.

At the same time, he'd also remembered feeling robbed. Of the opportunity to prove his right to exist to the man who'd always told him that he was better off dead. Of the chance to make that man see the error of his ways. Of the possibility of an apology he never got.

He wondered if Dazai gained any satisfaction from ending that man's life and putting a stop to his terrors for good.

Atsushi wouldn't. Because the dead would stay dead.

"I–" The words wouldn't come out of his mouth, shame curling them from ever making sense. I'm sorry didn't sound enough. But he couldn't help it. There was no remaining outlet for this grief that sat like a black pit within him. He couldn't remember the bomber's face, abilities, or purpose. Just so he could conjure a reason, anything, on why these people had to die. Because Atsushi couldn't simply accept that they had died meaningless deaths.

All because he hadn't been able to do anything.

Whatever he'd been intending to say again got swallowed by the quiet sob that got past his lips, followed by the tears he'd been trying to hold in. Before he knew it, his quiet cries turned into wails, sobbing for all he was worth. Remembering it all over again made the grief feel like a fresh wound, the pain more agonizing than ever. He felt arms wrap around him, a comforting tea and vanilla scent he'd associated with Naomi.

You, who are powerless, are worth nothing, the headmaster's words seemed more like an accusation.

Atsushi just wished he'd stopped believing the man's words.

oOo

"Are you sure?" Tanizaki seemed uncertain more than anything.

"Yes," Atsushi tried for a smile, failed, and settled for a subdued frown. "I just want to be alone here for a while. If that's fine with you guys," He felt bad for asking them this, especially when he knew that they had gone out of their way to make this as comfortable for him as possible. In fact, this whole thing had Kunikida's touch all over it. From the time the Tanizaki siblings had picked him up, to the arrangements already ordered ahead at the flower shop. And he didn't miss the fact that they had come at a time when there were obviously less people to come and pay their respects as well just so Atsushi could have his privacy.

Part of him knew that he shouldn't be alone and that Tanizaki was right to worry for him. But a bigger part of him just wanted to be by himself, to clear his head.

"It's just–" Tanizaki cut himself off with a sigh.

"You worry us, Atsushi-san," Naomi put in gently. "At a time like this, I don't really think anyone should be alone." Atsushi tensed up, unable to argue with her after his breakdown earlier. "But if it will really help, we'll be by the bookstore around the corner, ok?" She winked at him conspiratorially, a knowing gleam in her eyes that seemed to convey understanding, and that sent a jolt of relief through him.

"Of course," Atsushi felt the smile come more naturally this time.

With that, Naomi enthusiastically pulled her brother after her. There was a muted quality to the way she talked as animatedly as possible to the ginger haired teen before she waved over her shoulder one last time as they turned the corner. Tanizaki sent him another concerned glance before they disappeared from view. Atsushi felt his shoulders slump, eyes still irritated and raw at having cried earlier. He could breathe easier but the burden was just as heavy.

Staring at the bouquet, he gently sifted through them and plucked the single primrose from the middle.

Is this why? He mused to himself.

Atsushi wanted to believe that he had his answer right here. But, to be honest, he just couldn't see it. Because, loathe as he was to admit it, he was a coward. He didn't end it before and he certainly wouldn't end it then. He didn't even want to know what pushed him to finally go through with it.

"'I can't live without you'," An amused voice drawled from his right making him jump in shock. "That's the popular meaning of this flower, isn't it? Though, it's usually associated with young love, a language for the romantic, you could say. But giving it to the dead is kind of twisted in its own right. Don't you think so?" The grin that greeted Atsushi was too wide and the eyes that stared right back at him were too gleeful.

It was a brunet man, hair slicked back, and staring at Atsushi with something twisted reflecting in his eyes that honestly unnerved Atsushi.

For some reason, he felt familiar.

"W-What?" Atsushi mumbled, perplexed at the stranger before his face reddened as he considered the man's words. "I-I didn't know that it was associated with anything romantic. But giving it to anyone usually means you can't live without them. A-Anyway, are you related to one of the victims–" He cut himself off, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

It didn't help that the man's almost predatory gaze hadn't left him.

"I don't know if you've gotten better at lying or you seriously can't tell," The man mused idly, sounding highly entertained as he leaned closer into Atsushi's personal space.

"You're not making any sense," Atsushi replied rather tersely, leaning away.

The man laughed loudly.

"Fine, let's have a question then!" The other hummed merrily. "What would you do if you see an enemy across the road?" He asked as he pulled back, enjoying the obvious discomfort of the teen.

"That's–" Atsushi faltered before stiffening, now on his guard. "How do you know about that?"

"That's not an answer," The man sounded almost disappointed at that. "But I don't expect one anyway. Of course, you lure them into a trap! And then thoroughly tear them apart. Though, I was feeling rather generous yesterday. Didn't know that it would be that bad since you made it too easy. The Agency's slacking off, is that it?" He mused in a rapid tangent, voice gaining in pitch as he went on and on.

"Y-You're–" He breathed out in shock, frozen.

"It's been a while, Nakajima Atsushi-kun," The unknown man straightened and gave a rather exaggerated bow as he finally removed his wig, revealing his blonde hair that fluttered with the wind around them.

Atsushi shook his head, trying to shake off the confusion.

"Who are you?" He shifted defensively, fists clenching as his eyes narrowed at the man before him.

After that, Atsushi wasn't sure who was more surprised. The man whose eyes were now blown wide at his question or himself at the brief flash of disbelief that had crossed this unknown's face. He wasn't prepared for the cackle that answered him, however. The blonde was still suppressing some snickers as he tried to calm himself down while Atsushi had to remind himself repeatedly that this was the same man who'd shot him yesterday.

Talking to him wasn't an alien feeling.

"This is the first time that Dos-kun's prediction didn't come true," The man smiled in amusement, eyes crinkling. "Though, I suppose he could be forgiven considering that no one would've foreseen the loss of your memories." As easy as the upturn of his lips appeared, the gesture fell like an illusion.

"Who are you?" Atsushi repeated the question, feeling the thrum of his ability underneath his skin, waiting to be unleashed.

"Do you really have to ask?" He snickered again, muffling laughter. "Let's just say that we have a common friend. And he told me that deception has no face to you, so we speak in nothing but the truth. And he's great, you know? He told me that this would have two conceivable outcomes. You either become a wanted criminal or you will die. Since you failed in the latter, why don't you test if you've got what it takes to be the former?" He smirked widely at Atsushi, eyes glinting with malice.

This would have two conceivable outcomes–

His body was already moving before his mind could properly catch up. Within seconds, he was lifting the blonde man off his feet, made easier by his ability that had transformed his right arm as his clawed hand squeezed the man's neck.

"Are you saying you're also responsible for killing these people?" Atsushi snarled, feeling numb as iciness filled his veins, eyes wild.

He could crush his neck and kill him. He could tear his throat and kill him. He could end it.

Atsushi froze when the man grinned at him, face stretched far too wide that was almost inhuman, almost daring him.

"Should you be really…" The blonde trailed off, distorted grin still in place. "…looking at me?"

For a moment, Atsushi was confused. His brows furrowed as he tried to make sense of what the man was saying. If this was meant to distract him from the inevitable fight, it shouldn't work. For otherwise, where should he be looking when he was alone–

"What did you do?" He asked in horror as he let go of the gasping, no, laughing man.

"All in due time, Atsushi-kun," The blonde stumbled to his feet, unmoved by the fact that he had been one step away from being killed. "It's not like it'll be the last time we'll see each other. So, I'll give you this friendly advice for the second time. Nothing in this world can give you the place to belong." He smiled once again, this time, looking deceptively gentler that Atsushi thought didn't look entirely too genuine.

"You're wrong," Atsushi insisted determinedly, refusing to believe the words of a madman.

Still, he didn't have time to waste.

Feeling his legs transform, he turned his back and ran.

oOo

Atsushi gratefully accepted the cup of tea.

"Thank you, Kenji-kun," He thanked the smiling boy as he wrapped his hands around the warm cup, sighing in relief.

It helped in settling his nerves and warming his cold hands as he still felt too shaken about what had happened earlier. He had run around the block, locating the bookstore that Naomi had told him about, and immediately rushed to the siblings. He'd been frantic, not knowing what to expect, but they had been worried when he'd hurriedly pushed them under a table and tried to cover them, further alarming them.

From what, he didn't know.

As soon as it became apparent that nothing was happening, Atsushi hesitantly explained the situation and Tanizaki had readily volunteered the use of his ability as they stealthily made their way back to the agency. The ginger haired teen then inquired about any major accidents that might've occurred around the city in line with the perceived threat but was informed that there had been none lately after the previous case.

Tanizaki had decided to go back to the memorial to investigate while Naomi had said she'd be going to Haruno to ask if anything strange had happened lately.

It was obvious he'd been fooled.

Still, the adrenaline wouldn't leave the silver haired teen. That had been too close, still ringing in his head.

"You sound really scared, Atsushi-san," Kenji remarked from across him who was staring at him in puzzlement. "It reminds me of the day before you went into coma. Back then, you sounded really scared too." He recounted thoughtfully.

The others were out minding their own business so it was just the two of them for the time being.

"I did?" Atsushi straightened in surprise.

"Yes," Kenji nodded as he brightened. "I remembered going back to the office because I forgot something and you were talking with Ranpo-san. After that, we walked back to the dorms together. You sounded really worried. But I guess that's normal if you're always targeted by other ability users. Though, thinking about it, you mentioned something strange at that time too." His brows furrowed, gaze falling flat which was unnerving to see on him.

Atsushi bit his lip at the sudden silence that fell upon them.

It didn't help that the blonde boy was scrutinizing him closely.

"Atsushi-san," There was something that was almost sad in the younger's eyes. "Do you still feel like you don't have a place here in the agency?" He instead questioned, alluding to what strange thing he might've told the blonde.

The silver haired teen almost lost his grip on his cup when he heard the question, trying not to recall the earlier words of that stranger.

"W-Why would you ask that?" Atsushi asked in bewilderment.

"Because you told me that you don't know if you really deserve to be in the agency," Kenji told him, sighing as he crossed his arms. "Which is ridiculous because everyone here cares about you and I like Atsushi-san too! They don't give us any branding like they do with cows back home but you're one of us now. If you're not here then who's going to look out for Kyouka-san? Or Dazai-san too, for that matter, since you're the only one here who really tries. And Kunikida-san relies on your hard work here in the office–"

"Kenji-kun," Atsushi put out a hand, face burning. "I think I get it," He murmured in embarrassment.

"No, you don't," The other hummed, grinning. "But, that's why we're here to remind you of that," The fourteen year old said rather cheerfully.

Nothing in this world can give you the place to belong, the man had said. Words, now that he had the time to properly think about it, were rather familiar. He'd heard of them before. He'd met that man before too.

He's wrong, Atsushi thought.

Especially when he remembered Kunikida's worry, Yosano's relief, Dazai's grief-stricken words, Kyouka's crying face, the Tanizaki siblings' compassion, and even Ranpo's consideration. Now, he also got this warmth just from Kenji's positive declaration.

He had his place right here.

Then why wasn't he telling them everything?

oOo

Atsushi came to the last place anyone would think to look for him.

Or, at least, that was what he'd assumed until Dazai came to stand beside him an hour later, completely nonchalant. But, then again, he shouldn't be really surprised anymore when it came to his mentor. He knew that he should be pushing for the truth but, if he learned anything from the death of the person whose grave he'd been visiting, sometimes the truth couldn't set him free and it wasn't always what he'd wanted to hear.

And he was scared to know.

You killed yourself, Kyouka had said but it didn't explain anything.

It was something that he didn't want to believe. Because that meant that he'd given up on life. But the despair in her eyes screamed out the truth of her words. It also explained why everyone felt the need to dance around the subject.

"Tanizaki-kun told me about what happened," Dazai finally said after a moment. "Were you right after all? Do you know that man?" His words sounded rhetorical but it was always that way for Dazai who wanted to hear it straight from Atsushi regardless if he already knew the answer.

"I met him during the case," Atsushi was certain of this.

"I've always wondered who the real mastermind behind all of it was," Dazai smiled as he stared at the grave. "What did he tell you?" That you aren't telling the others? Atsushi heard the question loud and clear.

Of course, Dazai could read him so easily.

"It almost sounded like the case itself was designed to single me out," Atsushi admitted quietly and, despite knowing the capability of the whole agency, he still couldn't shake off the feeling that he was causing trouble for them just by existing. "He told me something else that's been on my mind. Dazai-san, why did you kill that criminal?" He turned to fully face his mentor, brows furrowed.

"Would it change anything if I tell you?" The brunet merely answered with a question.

"No," He answered honestly. "But he mentioned that if I hadn't tried to kill myself, I would've become a criminal. And it made me think back to what Ango-san told me yesterday."

"About the backlash to the agency?" Dazai correctly deduced. "Not everybody wants to die, especially you. In the end, you stayed true to yourself regardless of your fear. You could've simply killed that man and be done with it. Instead, you chose the hard way because that's simply who you are. The truth is that man hadn't been proven guilty yet of the ability that had recently terrorized the city. I could've killed an innocent person. That was actually what the investigation was for." Dazai recounted to him with an air of indifference that Atsushi found worrying.

"That doesn't tell me why." Atsushi pointed out, trying to figure out why Dazai was stalling, not even questioning the brunet's innocence anymore.

"Maybe I had my own reason," Dazai simply said as he finally shifted to properly stare back at Atsushi. "Does it really matter that much to you?"

"Of course, because I'm your friend," The teen readily replied, trying not to remark on the unguarded surprise on Dazai's face. "I don't want you to risk yourself like that." He suddenly remembered Yosano's words from yesterday and wondered, for the hundredth time, if this was what she'd been angry about.

He wondered if his mentor would also deny needing help.

For a moment, Dazai was silent before his shoulders slumped and something almost vulnerable shined in his eyes.

"Friend, huh?" He murmured so quietly, looking away.

"Anyway, maybe we should be heading back ourselves," Atsushi allowed Dazai this escape from the conversation, effectively changing the subject and postponing their talk. "I'm sure Kunikida-san would get angry at me for disappearing like that." He sighed at this, already imagining the lecture he'd get the moment they got back.

"Kyouka-chan's mad too," Dazai added playfully as they finally started to trudge away.

"Maybe this time I won't get slapped," He groaned at that before peeking at the brunet curiously. "How did you know to find me here anyway?"

The man merely stared over his shoulder at the headmaster's grave.

"Because when we feel lost, wouldn't we go to someone who we think knew us best?" He gave a conspiratorial smile at Atsushi, something in his eyes reflecting an understanding that had Atsushi looking away. Making him remember that Dazai would sometimes visit a certain grave.

It wasn't something he wanted to admit to.

But, as always, Dazai was right.