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They were absolutely beautiful. The way they flapped their wings, the way they sat on flowers, everything. Seeing them at a distance was one thing, but getting up close was a wholly different experience.
She was young when she got attached to them, only ten or so? It was hard to remember the details. But she could never forget the brilliant blue pattern that one butterfly had. Waking her up from a particularly long nap by landing on her nose, the blue standing out from the dull colors of the forest she had grown so used to. The little critter wasn’t alone either, there were others that seemed to stick with it, and she thought they all looked so neat. Watching them fly would take her breath away, watching the flutter of tiny wings around her made her heart skip a beat. Following them with her eyes she wanted to chase them forever, she knew she wouldn’t mind getting lost if it meant she could always see them.
Gotoh didn’t like it. Her idea of getting lost with a group of flying insects that is. There was some part of her that understood him, but the more mature part of her said Gotoh was a wrinkly old geezer whose opinions should always be met with resistance. He still allowed her to go though, grumbling all the way.
Gotoh said she shouldn’t get attached, that butterflies don’t live that long. She couldn’t be bothered, they’d live plenty long so she thought. The butterflies made her feel more at home than anything really, or maybe just the thought of living with them excited her that much. Giving it some more thought, maybe she just liked the idea of change.
Butterflies could live wherever they wanted couldn’t they? She would muse, thinking of all the freedoms they held. But at the same time, she came to realize that with that freedom seemed to come a terrible price. That the world was not always kind. Tiki, was not a stranger to the concept of death, she’s witnessed it and seen people go through the grief of it. Though never has she had any personal connections who’ve passed she could never truly relate.
She could understand them though, she could see their pain more clearly now that she’d seen butterflies come and go. Some were eaten, some were subject to misfortune, and sometimes she’d be left to wonder where one went when she wouldn’t see it for days on end. She missed them, every one of them held a special place in her heart. She couldn’t help grow attached to them, give some nicknames and such. She enjoyed their company, she enjoyed watching them fly around, resting easy at times and sometimes even crawl in her hair. They made her laugh, giving her more reasons to smile then she thought possible. She called the blue one Mar-Mar. She liked that one the best.
And she followed it. Pacing after the little blue butterfly and the group that floated along with. She shared a lot of memories with them, spending as much time as she could with them.
She could recount those times perfectly, the sleepless night of laying on the grass and looking up in the stars as the wind gave a gentle breeze. She shuddered, a small pause in her star counting as she considered what the weather might be like be tomorrow. Sometimes her mind would wander to less nice things, and worry over Mar-Mar’s safety, and wonder if she made the right decision following them, or maybe if she could prevent some of the butterflies’ untimely demise. But she would assure herself, that the time she spent with them mattered greatly and she should have no regrets. Occasionally when she doubted herself, she would look for her little blue friend, and just their presence brought her joy. She would sometimes feel her own butterflies flitter inside her.
But good things don’t last long, they never do. Tiki didn’t have a chance to remind herself that most things were temporary before it was too late.
She found Mar-Mar one day, and it felt like the world had lost its vibrancy. She found the little butterfly, simply on the ground, wings no longer aflutter. It took her awhile to process it, but it was a sad day. It was sad for a long time, she would watch the other butterflies begin to fall as well.
It was sad. It hurt in a way, she almost felt cheated. It hadn’t even been half a year and now her friends were all leaving her. She was sad, she was so sad and she cried when she hoped no one could see her because she didn’t want to feel like she was getting worked up over nothing. She could practically feel Gotoh telling her off politely. Talking about how he had told her these days would come. Of how she would outlive them so easily.
She hated it. Well, hate was a strong word but maybe the situation earned it. So she would say she hated it, she hated seeing her friends die after only months together with them. It hadn’t been long but the time was meaningful, she felt…connected with them in a way she hadn’t with others. And now that they were gone she didn’t know what to do with herself anymore.
So she waited. She slept and waited, wondering where she would go to next, wondering if she would make any more friends with butterflies, even though she knew the consequences now.
And she did. She waded through the forest looking for any to spare her the time of day and she found them. At first she was confused, but the longer she looked the clearer the image became. She was looking at a small group of butterflies in a tree, all young from what she could tell, they were small and still hesitant to fly. They were blue. A similar shade and pattern as Mar-Mar.
She didn’t understand for at first but the moment of confusion passed. She supposed, this was Mar-Mar’s family, their children most likely. Looking around more she saw that the butterfly colonies were still vibrating with life. Flocks flying to and fro in beautiful mesmerizing patterns.
Maybe, she was desperate for something to help support her after Mar-Mar had left, and that’s why she spent as much time with these ones as she could. And maybe, just maybe it was because the pain still hurt that she spent that time with lots of distance between her and everyone.
Seasons began to come and go and she understand what Gotoh was talking about more and more as time went on. She fell back into her napping habits, only now with the company of many butterflies to wake her when in need. She could never help but smile whenever she woke up to them, odd as it may have been.
This was her pattern, it was for many years. She’d watch generations of butterflies come and go, she could watch lineages be born and fade away in time, knowing their life span lasted only a year. It was always sad seeing them grow frail, she could stomach it better in time but it always left a mark on her heart. However, now when she looked at the stars on sleepless nights, she would always imagine the ones she lost. She would talk stories of her past friends to her new ones and it felt like she never ran out of things to say to them conspiring how long she had lived comparatively. She liked to impress them by lighting a small twig on fire, and blowing on it to pretend she could breathe fire. It was her favorite trick, and one she never grew old of.
More time passes, and occasionally she feels like she could blink and miss entire families come and go. So many of them, and so little time she wonders how she had so many friends as a child. It made her wonder. She liked to spend a lot of time deep in thought with the bugs, something about how they fluttered around made her mind a little happier. There was one she especially liked, their wings a shade of fine lavender with streaks of white interlacing every so often. She called that one Say’ri. And they liked to hover around Tiki, especially during her naps. She figured Say’ri was her self-assigned protector, and the just the idea of it made her laugh. She started feeling more awake when Say’ri popped up, despite her sleeping habits worsening, Say’ri always brightened her day for some reason and she had no idea why.
One day, she felt a familiar weight on her nose. The kind of faint presence only butterflies had, blinking open her eyes they fell on familiar vibrant blue wings. She could almost feel her breath catch in her throat as her mind immediately connected to the thoughts of Mar-Mar. She could feel the split second of hope and doubt rise and fall as sense tried wrapping itself around her head. She stared at the little creature as its wings waved slightly in the wind. They resembled Mar-Mar so much, she could tell though that they weren’t the butterfly that started this all. No this was a different one, but, they must be related she figured. Raising a finger for the stranger to perch themselves on, Tiki could see the differences more clearly now. Sighing she beat herself up for having such a silly idea of Mar-Mar coming back, though every glance at this new one she couldn’t deny their likeliness. They had their own beauty.
Soon enough Say’ri also found a spot on her. And then another, and another. Soon enough she was covered in butterflies. She sighed, and laughed a little. Being careful not to move lest she startle them.
She’d outlive them by such a large margin, she would smile and cry at their coming and going. It would wring her of her emotions and tears at times but that was what happened when you grew so emotionally attached to butterflies. She could look at the stars in the night now, and count all her long gone friends until morning and still not be done.
She could almost feel the sadness awaiting her, when Say’ri grows too frail to fly any longer. When she has to sit there, days after her passing knowing it’ll still be decades upon decades before she peacefully joins them herself. The thought of it brings a passing, sad smile to her face. Thinking of how her life allowed her to meet so many friends, who’ve come and gone so quickly, and how she still had so many more to meet.
She wouldn’t want to imagine her life being any other way.