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Jaehyun was observing. He always did it; between dance practices and during movie nights, where the members tend to be more touchy than usual, before performances, when the air was thick with tension and excitement, when they all were gathering in the kitchen area, waiting for the arrival of their take-out. He picked up the habit when he was a little kid and couldn’t get rid of it when he got older. He liked the feeling of getting to know others’ secrets without their acknowledment. Of course Jaehyun would realise it. Naturally.
He was always subtle or at least he tried to be; stolen glances in the mirror of the practice room, quick brushing of fingertips on his forearm, which left a tingling sensation on his skin, the tone of his deep voice curling into a nervous pitch when he called Jaehyun’s name. Of course he’d realise it, he was actually surprised no one else did. But Jaemin was a very private person, always good at masking his own feelings. The smile he gave was always reassuring, followed by a quick “I’m okay, really” when Taeyong approached him at the backstage after a long, tiring performance. His energy never seemed to fade away, always letting Jeno and Renjun cling onto him when they were eating out with the rest of the team. His façade was so marblelike it almost fooled Jaehyun as well.
No one else knew about those nights, when he was woken up by a soft knocking on his door. The first time he got out of his bed to let the visitor in, but wasn’t ready for the sight in front of him. Jaemin was barefeet, a long bed sheet wrapped around his lanky figure, with distress and fresh tear stripes on his face and a questioning look in his eyes. He didn’t say a single word and Jaehyun didn’t push it. Instead, he walked back to his bed with a faint smile lingering in the corner of his mouth as the other boy slid under the covers and wrapped himself around his abdomen. His shampoo smelled like almond and warm summer nights, and Jaehyun was lulled back to sleep shortly by the other’s slowly deepening breathing.
The next morning Jaemin was gone, leaving Jaehyun with sore arm muscles and a small ache in his heart. He knew it wasn’t a one-night-only event, and he certainly wasn’t ready to break his own heart, but he also knew that he won’t have the strength to reject the younger. So he didn’t bother to leave the warmth of his bed when he heard the familiar knocking the following night. He opened his eyes when he could sense Jaemin standing next to his bed; in the dim light of the room Jaehyun could only assume the younger boy was crying not long ago by looking at his strangely shining eyes. He lift the covers silently and reached out for the other’s hand. After getting comfortable, Jaemin fell asleep almost immediately, but Jaehyun was kept awake by his stormy thoughts that night.
Although Jaemin always pretended none of these visits ever happened, Jaehyun wasn’t the type to hold himself back. It started with touches. He always found his way to the younger; placing a warm palm on the small of his back, a comfortable weight as a reminder: you’re mine. Fingers carefully interwined, too tight to pull away, too loose to let go with their unspoken agreement: you’re mine. And kisses: hidden ones behind Jaemin’s ear, on the nape of his neck, on the knuckles of his hand.
“Careful.”
The weariness in Taeyong’s voice was mixed with caution and worry as he approached them once. They were sitting on the cold floor of their practice room during break time. Jaehyun forced his mimic muscles into a relaxed state as he looked up from his phone, not letting go of Jaemin’s waist as the other was resting his head on his chest. He felt the younger stiffen in his arms, lifting his head to study the expression on the leader’s face.
“I’m in no position to tell you what to do, I’m just asking you to be careful. For the sake of the others.”
And with this he leaned back and walked away the join the rest of the members. Neither of them had a chance to think about the meaning behind these words, only when all the noises died down in the dorm and Jaemin was in the older’s bed again. They didn’t say a word to each other, but they both knew what the other was thinking. Anxiety furrowed Jaemin’s brows and Jaehyun caressed the wrinkled skin with his fingers. The younger boy reached out and with a faint thud he felt his head fall on Jaemin’s chest, on top of his heart. They remained silent and Jaehyun fell asleep to the sound of the other’s pounding heart.
“What are we?”
The question was lingering between them when they were laying on the couch together in a lazy afternoon. The sun was pouring into the living room through the half-closed shutters and bony fingers were tracing its patterns on Jaehyun’s bare chest.
“What are we?”
The question in Jaemins’ warm brown eyes as he was pressed against the wall of their empty dressing room, the older’s head buried in the crook of his neck.“
"What are we?”
The question at the back of Jaehyun’s mind as he was sitting half-naked on his bed, looking deep into the younger’s eyes. They were playing games on their phones, squeezed tightly next to each other on the single bed, but as the time passed Jaemin got bored and started to distract Jaehyun with placing soft kisses and small hickeys on his neck. When the older finally gave in, Jaemin maneuvered himself on his lap. His rich, musky scent around them was intoxicating and Jaehyun felt himself drowning as he wrapped his arms around the other’s slim waist. “Breath, Jaehyun” Jaemin’s smile was bright, almost bratty and his words were barely whispers on Jaehyun’s lips. The younger buried his hands in Jaehyun's soft locks, completely messing up his carefully styled hair. The question slipped away as the older closed the distance between them. The first chaste kisses were no longer satisfying, and sensing the impatience in the younger's movements, Jaehyun finally opened his mouth to let him in.
His mind was hazy as their kisses became more and more languid and went completely numb when the other boy moved down from his lips to his throat, leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses and purple bruises down to his clavicle. The hunger for one another grew bold at the pit of their stomachs and Jaehyun secretly prayed he was doing the right thing. He better be.
The morning was different. Jaehyun was woken up by the crisp autumn air that filled the room. The other bed was empty and he felt the familiar ache pressing his ribcage from the inside. Then Jaemin started to move in his embrace and Jaehyun’s breath was cut short. "He stayed, he stayed, he stayed" screamed his mind in union with every ba-dump of his racing heart. The younger tilted his head to look at him with half-lidded eyes and Jaehyun couldn’t help but grin. The other mirrored the expression with a soft, raspy „Good morning”. He leaned down to reward the awating lips with a delicate kiss. Just a soft brush of lips, but Jaemin riled up immediately.
Before he could take control of it, Jaehyun gently pushed him away and started to climb out of their bed. Jaemin rolled over with a disappointed look on his face and Jaehyun had to restrain himself from kissing the pouty lips again. The younger sighed, and with a low growl he climbed out of the bed as well and started to look for his clothes in the messy pile they left on the floor last night.
They’d bump each other on the way to the bathroom and inside Jaemin’s frantic giggles were turned into small whimpers as the older boy pinned him to the door and started to attack his neck with tender kisses. The air was filled with the smell of tooth paste and shaving cream, and the strange intimacy has woken the butterflies in Jaehyun’s stomach. They’ve never shared moments like this before and yet, it felt so natural for both of them as if they’d go through this routine every morning. He decided he wants that. He wants the boy, who leaned against the bathroom door, panting and face flushed with deep crimson. His eyes were glistening and Jaehyun wanted to continue what they were doing before, but he knew they had a tight schedule today. He held out his hand instead and Jaemin took it with a shy smile lingering on his lips.
The others knew, of course; the two of them weren’t as subtle as they thought. Jaehyun entered the kitchen with Jaemin in his heels, not letting go of the hem of his sweatshirt. A few members were already there, munching on their breakfasts or drinking coffee while scrolling through their phones. They muttered a quiet “Good morning” and Jaehyun didn’t miss the mischievous grin that crept on Ten’s face as he waved at them. They knew, of course.
After they announced it, everything became easier. Jaehyun felt weightless. They didn’t have to hide anymore. At least not among the others. In public, Jaehyun would swing an arm around the other’s neck, lowering his head and pretending to whisper things to him. Only Jaemin knew it was a cover-up to hide the small kisses and licks on the sensitive skin behind his burning ear.
„Look how cute they are!”
The fans chatted when they spotted them at the airport. Jaehyun was hugging the younger from behind, hiding their interlocked hands in the pockets of Jaemin’s oversized hoodie.
They were the hot topic all around the social media sites. Their manager patted their shoulders and told them “Good job, you two” and Taeyong didn’t shoot them anxious looks anymore. It was blissful. They were high on top of the ferris wheel and didn’t want to get down. It was perfect. Well, almost.