Work Text:
-
the weight of a simple human emotion weighs me down
When Woojin falls into a coma, that's when Jihoon first receives it as the nurse pulls him away from the younger guy's bed, dipping her hand into her pocket and brings out a pink paper heart. She drops it into Jihoon's awaiting trembling hand, his own smile stills frozen in the chilly hospital room.
He tries not to, really, believe you him, he tries not to cry. He tries not to shed tears as he bites his lips. None of his tries have been successful, though.
“Woojin asks me to give this to you.” she warily informs with a watery smile of her own.
Jihoon nods and steps forward to where Woojin lies. The nurse leaves and Jihoon's left alone with only the beeping sounds from the machine that suddenly sounds annoying in his ears.
He clasps the latter's hand with his own shaking one. Park Woojin's eyes are close, his cheat heaving gently and rhythmically along the machines attached on him. He's always been the weird one --- strange noises and endless ramblings. Pterodactyl sounds always come out of Woojin's mouth. Jihoon's not used to Woojin's silence. It's so new and empty.
“Woojin,” He calls emptily. “even with those machines attached on you, you're still trying to be romantic?”
I'm always romantic, Jihoon can hear Woojin's husky Busan satoori voice replies in his head, followed by a knowing smirk and a snaggletooth peeking out and then a loud laughter echoing which means Woojin is embarrassed to whatever he says.
It's stupid, Jihoon knows. It's really stupid to cry when Jihoon expects this --- when they both expect this to happen. It's really stupid because it hurts. It hurts so much to see this --- Woojin lying almost close to being lifeless --- with his own eyes.
Because no matter how much Woojin's tried to protect Jihoon from all the pains, it's inevitable. No matter how much he convinces that Woojin's just like Sleeping Beauty (no, you should be the Princess, Jihoonie, not me. I'm too ugly for that.) who only needs a true love's kiss to wake up, reality bites that this is not even a fairytale for him to expect a happy ending.
So with shaky hands, he opens the heart.
Remember when we first met?
“Wow, you're pretty!” Jihoon hears and he trashes around to look for the voice but isn't met by anyone in the nearest sight. He sighs heavily, scaring his little self because new towns are scary for him. Busan is quite scary. It's big --- too big for him, in fact. Compared to Masan where he used to live.
That's when he hears a loud giggle from up the tree.
He sees a boy, legs dangling on the tree. He's wearing a cute yellow button sweater (the one similarly like his pink ones) who looks the same age as him.
(“So how old are you?”
“I'm six.”
“Just six?”
“Yes, just six.”
“I'm your hyung then.”
“How old are you?”
“Six and ¾.”
“What is six and ¾?”
“Respect your hyung, Woojin.” He warns him, flicking his forehead afterwards.)
The boy introduces himself as Woojin and Jihoon's not sure whether he first notes the fact that they have the same last name or the fact that he has a snaggletooth which looks adorable on him.
“Come here!” Woojin tells him.
Jihoon only scratches the back of his hair, head tilting on the side and shakes his head. Before he can ever answer, he sees the boy climbing down and helping him to climb up the tree. It's cute how the other scrunches his nose as he pushes him up the tree. It's so cute that even though he's having a hard time, he still tries his best.
And wow, it looks good. The view up on the tree beside Woojin looks magnificent.
“Are you new here?” Woojin asks.
“Yes.”
“Oh, that's why. I've never seen a boy as pretty as you.” He says like it doesn't make Jihoon question things. “Maybe except to Minhyun hyung. But don't tell him okay?”
Jihoon nods. He doesn't even know who Minhyun hyung is. He's just very very very happy he's made a new friend. So this is how it feels --- to be a stranger in a big place but somehow it feels like he's suddenly found a home.
-
the pain, it's determined and demanding to ache, but I'm okay
Jihoon is inside the chapel, kneeling down with his eyes closed when he feels a figure sitting beside him. There's Yerim, Woojin's little sister with a small smile on her beautiful face. Jihoon feels like crying in seeing Yerim. The girl reminds him so much of Woojin.
“What are you doing here, princess?” He asks, sitting right beside her.
“Is Woojin oppa going to be okay?” The little girl wonders with a pout on her face.
He sighs and wraps his arms around her. Yerim has always been Woojin's little princess (well aside from him, obviously) and Yerim has depended on her brother so much the way Jihoon depended on the younger one.
“He --- he will be.” He answers. But even Jihoon cannot trust his own words.
Yerim unwraps herself from Jihoon and suddenly takes out a letter similarly to the one he's received a month ago from the pocket of her jacket.
“Woojin oppa asks me to give this to you.” She says.
Jihoon nods understandingly at her and watches as the little girl runs to her Mom who only nods comfortingly at him. And oh god, it hurts. It hurts so much as he meets eyes with Yerim as she and Mrs. Park go back to Woojin's room.
Remember when we love?
The first time they love, they aren't very sure if it's exactly love. It just comes knocking them straight into their faces. They have been the best of friends prior. For the past eleven years of their lives, they are ride or die together. It's natural that wherever one is, the other is also there.
It takes a thousand times of convincing from each ends. It consists of intervention courtesy of Minhyun hyung and Seongwu hyung. Threats here and there made by Sungwoon hyung because really, Woojin, you don't know if Jihoon likes you back or not? I'm about to slap you with this pan, I'm not even kidding followed by Woojin running out of the house. It involves Daniel hyung and Jaehwan hyung's constant teasing, accompanied by a ddut ddurut ddut ddut ddurut ddut every single time they see each other.
But Jihoon guesses, it's really Daehwi's voice that etches right into Woojin's brain.
“I've seen Jihoon hyung with Donghan sunbae today.” He says too loudly for everyone to hear. Everybody stops and stares at them who are in the back at the cafeteria. It's like Jihoon's love life is the most interesting thing in the world at the moment. He tries not to glare at Daehwi.
“Are you dating him, Jihoon hyung?” The younger prods and he sees Woojin freezing in his place. He would've joked he looks so stupid right now. With his face beet red and hands paling from how hard he's clenching his fists, Jihoon would have teased him yet the words fail right in his throat.
Because he's worried-as-fuck with his best friend.
“He's not answering.” Jinyoung pipes out of nowhere and sits right beside Daehwi. “They must have been really dating then.”
“N—no.” He protests, almost inaudibly.
Woojin suddenly turns his body to him, shaking his body. “You're not dating, right!”
Jihoon pouts and flicks Woojin's forehead. “Why are you stupid, you would be the first to one if I was dating.” Then he adds at the lowest voice, “it's only you I want to date, stupid rat.”
Then Woojin, never in Jihoon's wildest dream, suddenly pulls him up and embraces him in his arms. It's like Jihoon belongs only in that place as the heat on his face suddenly creeps in. He's dreamed of this before, to be in his arms and to never let go.
“Thank fuck.” Woojin says, pinching his cheeks with both of his hands. “You can't date anyone without my permission. Do you understand?”
“Why not?”
“Oh, come on.” Daehwi speaks up, sarcasm dripping in his voice. “just say you like each other and maybe, fuck each other?”
They both turn red.
“Wh---at.” Woojin splutters, eyes widening at Daehwi's words.
Jihoon flushes in Woojin's favorite shade of pink and right there and then, Woojin wants to wrap him around his arms and maybe never let go.
“Oh my god.” Jinyoung exasperatedly sighs. “Jihoon hyung likes you, Woojin hyung, and Woojin hyung likes you, Jihoon hyung. Why do we even have to spell everything out for the dumbs of you?”
The elder cups his mouth with his hands, a tell sign that he's currently embarrassed and flustered because it's real --- it's real and “Oh my god, you like me?”
He thinks he hears Daehwi scoff at the revelation and Jihoon avoids his gaze. But Woojin wouldn't have that as he cups Jihoon's face with his own rough hands and has tried to meet the older's gaze.
“Please tell me that you like me.” He tells hims softly.
Jihoon pouts adorably at him and asks, “Why? Do you even like me back?”
Woojin can't help the widening of his smile as he looks at him and says, “Why do you think I'd teach you how to climb the tree the first day we met?”
“Maybe because you're dumb?” This time, Jihoon wraps his hands at the back of Woojin's neck. “And maybe because you have no friends, you antisocial human being?”
Woojin wrinkles his nose at him and glares. “Or maybe because I'm dumbly in love with you?”
And then both of them lean forward but they end up bumping their noses together leading to a playful banter between them both. But it's easier this time --- lighter and a little bit freer. Perhaps because this time, they both know.
They both know it's mutual.
III. I don't want to let this go, I don't want to say good bye
Jihoon finds it silly. He finds it silly, how despite of Woojin not seeing his surrounding as he lies on his hospital, Jihoon still prioritizes putting on colors around him. He wants Woojin, if he ever does, to wake up with colors instead of the usual black and white colors he's used to. He wants Woojin to know that he wants him to come back --- that people are worried for him --- that so many people love him.
He wants him to fight for him, it may have sound selfish in his ears but Jihoon cannot just let Woojin go just like that without putting on a fight. He cannot just let Woojin give up without trying.
When he sits beside Woojin, Jihoon caresses his rough calloused hands with his own soft ones and smile as he looks at him.
“Never knew you'd be the Snow White, babe.” He mumbles, remembering the time when he played as a Snow White and Woojin as the Grumpy which made the younger sulk the whole day because he wanted to be the Prince Charming who would wake Snow White up with the true love's kiss.
If only it could, you know, then Jihoon would gladly kiss Woojin up.
“Jihoonie.” Jisung hyung strides inside the room with a warm smile on his face. Jisung has been a wonderful adult in their circle of friends and just by looking at him, Jihoon wants to break down and cry this time. He wants to bury down his face on Jisung's arms but he's promised Woojin.
Then the older is showing him the same heart-shaped he's been receiving for the past two months and he can't help but wonder how much Woojin's effort has been exerted into this.
“Hyung.” Jihoon croaks as the latter gives him a pat and leaves.
Remember when we first fought?
It's rather small, how Jihoon and Woojin first fight. Jihoon is the most stubborn person Woojin has ever known in the world. A brat, both according to Daehwi and Jinyoung. His brat, Woojin would counter. But then, Woojin is kind of stubborn and has a bigger ego so when Jihoon's jealous because of a girl named Yoojung in their English class, Woojin refuses to budge.
Woojin sighs in front of Jihoon's door. Because no matter how much ego he has, Jihoon is going to be the first priority and he cannot, for the life of him, just sleep this off without making peace. Daehwi has told Woojin of you're both stupid and losers, just go to him, hyung. Why do we always have to spell everything out for the both of you?
So he's here. Outside Jihoon's window on a tree's branch, knocking. And when Jihoon opens the door, at first confused, he smiles brighter than the sun and Woojin thinks he's going to need sunglasses because Jihoon has his arms wrap around Woojin in no time.
“I'm sorry.” They both say at the same time.
“I'm more sorry.” Jihoon admits with a blush on his cheeks. “I know that you would never like her --- but I was just --- you know.” Jihoon is having a hard time finding the correct word because Jihoon, according to him, never gets jealous. Ever.
“Jealous?” He supplies the word as he lifts Jihoon's chin with his finger.
Jihoon whines and groans and hides his flushed face on Woojin's neck. He likes it better like this. Them, never fighting seriously. Ever since he and Jihoon started dating, he's been learning things more and more about Jihoon and Woojin likes it a lot.
He's starting to think this is a happy ending.
iv. I don't wanna say goodbye, someone tell me why, I just wanna see the stars with you
It's funny and ridiculous how time flies so fast because the next thing Jihoon knows is that it's already the fourth month of Woojin in coma. It's the fourth then it means by the fifth month of Woojin being in coma, it means that Woojin has consented the doctors and his family to pull out the plug.
“I don't want to burden other people.” Jihoon can hear Woojin reasoning with that stupid beautiful smile on his face with equally stupid beautiful snaggletooth that he's learned to love. And it breaks Jihoon's heart even more. Because stupid Park Woojin is too kind, too nice, and too understanding yet Jihoon is here, wanting to be selfish, hoping that Woojin would still fight. Because Jihoon wants him and him, just only him.
“If not for you,” Jihoon breathes out the words, voice muffled by the sobs he wants to let out. “then for me?” He asks, playing with Woojin's fingers with his own. He knows he should not cry, he should never break down.
You promised, he can see Woojin's tiny little smile with tears in his own eyes.
But he can't help it. He can never imagine a day without Park Woojin. Why Woojin of all people? Woojin who has nothing but the best boy all his life. No bad bread to anyone. Woojin who only deserves all the love and affection in this world. Woojin who only wishes other people of happiness. Woojin who radiates sunshine and rainbows.
There are a lot of worst people in this world, so why my Woojinie? Why him, of all people?
When he looks up and glances at the table beside Woojin's bed, he sees another pastel pink heart and he doesn't want to open it --- he doesn't want to think that his chapter with Woojin is going to end sooner than he imagined it to be.
But he does.
Remember when we hurt?
It's unforeseeable. Nobody expects it to come. For it's always been WoojinAndJihoon and there's nothing in between. So when a week passes by and there's only Jihoon and not Woojin anymore, Jihoon is suddenly bombarded by questions of where's Woojin? I haven't seen him a while, aren't you supposed to be with him? You're not best friends anymore? Did you fight?
He tries to call and texts him every time which receives nothing but silence. And that silence kills Jihoon inside. When he tries to go to the Park's house, they tell him that Woojin is having a rest and keeps making excuses. Daehwi and Jinyoung both comfort but to no avail until one day he just barges to Woojin's house [room, to be exact] and he remembers how Woojin struggled to get into his room before and he's so determined to punch his boyfriend for being so uncaring and stupid but he misses him so so much that perhaps after punching him, Jihoon would make sure to kiss him.
Until he only sees Woojin's mother coming out of Woojin's bathroom with towels on her hands and followed by Woojin who looks so so so weak with his Dad on his side and Jihoon can't help but to run to Woojin, cupping his face with his hands.
That's the first time Jihoon thinks he's broken his heart into pieces. For Woojin looks pale, his healthy suntan kissed complexion looks something for worse, his lips are shade of violet and Woojin looks thinner than possible.
“Woojin-ah..” He cries his name for the first time in a week. “what's wrong with you?”
Mrs. Park exchanges gazes with her husband who both leads Jihoon and Woojin in the latter's bed, the elder of the two just clinging on Woojin like he's clinging on his life. Because this hurts a lot – seeing the love of your life withers in front of you. It hurts to know that the love of your life, the one you can't imagine without, might slowly become just a part of a past instead of your future.
When they both lie down on the bed and Jihoon can't hear anything but Woojin's steady heart beats, it's when Jihoon's world scramble down completely.
Woojin says he has a brain tumor that might lead to a coma very soon and Jihoon feels a little light-headed by the revelation as he winds his arms around Woojin's frail body. He remembers how Woojin's body used to be on his arms and how Woojin was never out of his energy.
So Jihoon cries and cries and cries because a future without Woojin is bleak. He can't imagine to go on a future because both he and Woojin have built millions of hopes and dreams together, always together, always with each other.
And Woojin holds him, holds him like he's the one who's hurt. He holds him in his hands as if he's the one withering.
“Jihoon,” Woojin hums hours after crying, Jihoon only rustles and clenches his fist on Woojin's shirt. “Can you promise me something?”
Jihoon would do anything for his boyfriend. He would do everything to bring back the boy who'd been a sunshine and all smiles. He'd rather have his pranks and get annoyed with his loudness than of muted greyness.
-
don't give it up just stay grand for one minute
The time Jihoon arrives in the hospital is the time freezes. He sees nurses and doctors coming in the room he frequents. He watches as Woojin's parents stand outside the room of their son, resigned and too wary for anything.
This is the first time Jihoon feels jelly knees as he watches Mrs. Park look back at him with eyes he can't decipher. She opens her arms wide enough for him to find comfort but nothing of it can make him feel safe enough as he runs inside Woojin's room and finds all the displays he's built for the past few months gone.
“No.” He whispers to himself, taking in the too white surrounding. Please, no. His heart yells. Woojin deserves colors when he wakes up. He needs to see colors after months of sufferings, Jihoon's heart shouts.
Both Woojin's parents have their arms around Jihoon as he glances over the younger in his bed, he feels the world halts in a moment. All the nurses look at him with worried eyes and the doctor pats him comfortingly.
It feels like a thousand years has passed as he walks to the younger's bed dreadfully with clenched fists on his sides. No, Jihoon wants to scream as the lines on the life support are as straight that mocks Jihoon's eyes. Woojin's lips who were once red and full of smiles were now as white as snow. Woojin's eyes who shone brightly like stars in the sky were closed and Jihoon can see only darkness.
Woojin's hands who used to warm his own were now as cold like the room's temperature as he captivates them with his own.
“Please.” He begs as he brings his hands on his eyes. “Please, Woojin. Just one minute. One more minute.”
You promised, Woojin's tired voice echoes at the back of his head. Jihoonie, you promised.
“Just a minute, Woojin. Please one more minute.” He still asks but there's nothing but silence and Woojin's mom sobs filled the room.
You'll be okay, Woojin's smile taunts him as he closes his eyes and he'd do anything --- everything --- just to bring back the snaggletooth peeking out of his mouth.
His train of thoughts are stopped the moment Woojin's dad taps him on his shoulders with Mrs. Park's face hidden on his shoulders. The elder man gives him a nod as opens his wide right palm.
There's a bright pink heart-shaped and it feels like Jihoon has lost his life the moment he takes it away.
Remember when we promised?
There's a little shakiness in Jihoon's body as he wraps himself securely around Woojin's own frail ones. There's a little tremble as he lets Woojin's words sink into his mind. He tries so hard to not crumble down with Woojin's wish.
How? How do you even prepare yourself to welcome death and a stark future without the one you promised of eternity? How do you accept that everything changes without the one you've been spending all your life with?
How can you be so selfless?, Jihoon wants to question as Woojin absentmindedly plays with his hair, trying to soothe the worries and fears running in his mind.
“Jihoonie,” Woojin calls out. He looks up at him with tear strained face and pouts. The younger suddenly smiles, like his world becomes brighter and better. “Can you now promise me?”
“But--”
And then there's the smile again. Fearing yet assuring. Like all the hopes have died down but accommodating. Like he's also found comfort in death itself.
Woojin pushes his pinky finger on him and waves it on his face. It's hard for him, he knows but he knows, as well, that this is harder for the younger yet he's trying to be as optimistic as he can be given the situation.
Sometimes, though, death doesn't have to mean the end, he consoles as he wraps his own pinky finger ones against Woojin. Woojin kisses their promise and seals it with the most heart breaking smile he can muster in life.
-
you lost a part of your existence in the war, against yourself.
Park Jihoon knows he's going to be okay. He knows he'll be okay as he wraps the jacket around himself more as he looks back at the photograph inside the mausoleum where Woojin's ashes are buried. There are two sets of photos. One with his family, Yerim on top of her brother's shoulders and her parents around them. Another is with him.
There's a shy smile on his face as Jihoon leaned forward to give the younger the biggest and wettest smooch in the world. He remembers how pink the younger turned after that smooch and how their mothers shook their heads during one picnic day they had as their fathers laughed somewhere at the back.
He remembers how Woojin crunched down on the ground to hide his embarrassed face and Yerim kicking him on his back because “you're a grandpa already, so stop being embarrassed, oppa.”, the younger looked back at him with a pout, Jihoon lifted him up and leaning for another kiss.
He heard Yerim faking a gag and rolling their eyes, saying. “Disgusting”, Woojin chasing after her as she ran away as fast as her short legs could take her.
There are so many things to remember, Jihoon knows as he smiles recollecting those memories.
“Hey.” He says in lieu of greeting, silence replying back, voice echoing. “I've been good.” He informs as if Woojin asks him how are you doing, my love? “You're good, right?”
The wind suddenly blows like Woojin replies with I think it's much better here without your annoying ass, but I missed your annoying ass, but I think I'm good.
“I think ---” There's an inhale and exhale of breath, hands playing on the pink paper letter he's received a year later after Woojin's death. “--- we'll be okay.”
If there's anything to live by, Jihoon thinks, it's that death doesn't mean it's the end of the chapter. It doesn't have to be the end of everything. The memories are all fresh and alive in his mind and heart.
Don't cry.
Don't beg.
Don't stop.
Don't hold on.
Let go.