Work Text:
when raindrops fell, down from the sky
the day you left me, an angel cried
oh, she cried, an angel cried
she cried
-
he didn't know how he would explain it to her. he has tried to every time she asked why he was gone. but she never understood. but how could she. she was only four years old.
seokjin looked out the window and saw it was still rainy. he hoped that it would let up by the time they would leave but it didn't look like it would end. he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.
you can do this. you can. be brave for her. she still doesn't understand. be brave for her. be brave for her. be brav-
"daddy?"
seokjin turned his head and saw his little girl.
"hi sweetie" seokjin patted towards his lap and she understood and sat on his lap. she rested her head on his chest. she was still sleepy. she had just woken up from her usual nap.
seokjin looked at the time and saw that it was almost time. he knew that it always confused her more whenever they visited him. but he always tried to explain it to her every time. she was starting to get it.
"cmon hun, we have to go" seokjin said as he picked her up and walked over to the door. before leaving the room he made sure to grab the flowers. he helped jae hwa put on her jacket and after he put on his own they walked out the door. they walked down the stairs together. it was still raining but they quickly walked to the car. once they reached the car seokjin buckled jae hwa up in her car seat and checked multiple times that she is safe. he makes his way over to the driver side and gets in. he puts the flowers carefully on the passengers seat. he takes a few deep breaths before starting the car and driving off.
the slow hum of the air conditioner is what calms him down a little bit. stopping for a red light he turns his head and looks at the flowers. they are hydrangeas. they were his favorite. the honk from the car behind him snaps him from his thoughts. he reaches his hand up to his eyes to wipe the tears that were starting to form. they are almost there. he can see the cemetery from here.
seokjin gets out the car and looks up at the sky. the raindrops touches his face and he closes his eyes for a few seconds. it's not raining as heavily as before. closing the drivers door he makes his way to his daughter.
unbuckling her belt she stirs awake.
"daddy? why are we here again?" she asks as soon as she looks around. he ignores her question for now and pulls her out of her car seat. he puts her on his hip and closes the door. and stops midway through walking. how could he forget. he opens the passenger door and grabs the flowers.
walking his way to the spot he looks at all the graves. it breaks his heart at all the people other people have lost. it breaks his heart that he is one of those people. it breaks his fucking heart that he lost the love of his life.
he takes his last steps and looks at the grave.
namjoon kim
september 9, 1994 to april 13, 2027
wonderful husband and father
will forever be missed
seokjin put jae hwa down and he picked away all the dead flowers in front of the grave. he stares at the engravings and touches his name. namjoon kim. his joonie. his beautiful, wonderful, and amazing husband. taken away from him. seokjin starts to cry silently. turning away from his daughter.
stop. you have to be brave for her. you and her can get through this. get through this. for joonie.
he wipes away his tears quickly before lifting his head and turning towards his daughter.
"do you wanna say something to daddy angel?" seokjin asks.
she is silent for a few seconds. before she steps towards seokjin and hugs him close. it's quiet for awhile before he hears it. she's crying. her cries are quiet for awhile before they get louder. seokjin closes his eyes and takes deeps breaths to stop himself from crying. he sits down and puts her into his lap. he combs his fingers through her hair and shushes her softly.
"im sorry angel. i know it's hard" he says in her ear. but he's not even sure that she heard it because of how hard she is crying.
"it's hard for me too" seokjin says mostly to himself. eventually her crying starts to stop. he rocks her back and forth slowly.
today is the anniversary of his husband and father of his child's death.
"i miss daddy" she whispers. she's still learning how to talk so her pronunciation is a little off but he dismisses it.
"i miss him too baby" seokjin says while staring at his name engraved on the gravestone. he made sure that everything was perfect. he wanted to honor his husbands memory forever. he knew that he would never meet someone else. he was namjoon's. dead or alive. it's been two years and he still has his ring on his finger. he has never taken it off, besides washing dishes or taking a shower. not wanting to lose the most memorable thing he has of his husband. he put namjoon's ring in a very special place. during the funeral he slipped his ring on his finger and kissed his knuckles. promising he will love him forever. seokjin looks around and sees that it is a little darker then when they first got there.
before he gets ready to go he grabs the flowers and puts them on the side. he kisses his name engraved on the stone.
"cmon angel, we have to go" seokjin whispered to his daughter. this was the hardest part.
"no. no! i don't want to leave daddy!" jae hwa yells as seokjin picks her up. he puts her on his hip. she fights back reluctantly. he shushes her as he walks down the path to the car.
"please daddy i don't want to go. i want to stay with daddy, he's all alone" she cries as she looks behind seokjin to see her fathers grave.
"baby we'll come back soon. im sorry" seokjin says sadly. he walks up to the car and puts a crying jae hwa in her car seat. he buckles her up and makes sure she is safe before shutting the door. he turns around and closes his eyes as he hears her muffled sniffles from inside the car.
the drive home was even more silent as the drive from home. seokjin looks through the rear view mirror to see his daughter fast asleep. if he looks closely he can see the dried tear marks on her rosy cheeks.
unlocking the front door he steps in with jae hwa on his hip and closes the door. after locking it he walks to his daughters bedroom. carefully missing the toys on the floor he slips off her shoes, before putting her in her bed. he kisses her goodnight and slips out the room and leaving the door open a crack. after making sure everything was off, he made his way his bedroom.
after taking off his shoes he sat on his bed. a few moments of silence something switched inside of seokjin and he just broke down. all the pain he has felt while visiting the cemetery and the years that passed. his sobs got louder and louder. he held everything in with all he had when he was with his daughter because someone had to be strong for her. but now that he was reluctantly alone, without his partner, he let everything out.
"i miss you so much joonie" seokjin sobbed. he tried to quiet down because his daughter was sleeping but he couldn't help it. the love of his life was dead. his fucking husband was dead. it was fucking hard for him. he never wanted to believe that namjoon was truly gone but he was. it was the fucking the shock of his life once he heard that he was dead. he can relive the day like it was yesterday. he never wanted to think of it, but he always thought of it. just thinking of how he can prevent it. thinking of ways that he could still have his joonie.
april 13, 2027
"you know, we can just stay home. with our daughter" seokjin says looking out the window. looking at the cars driving by.
"i already told you. i'm taking you somewhere special. whether you like it or not" namjoon says looking over to seokjin with a dimpled smile on his face.
seokjin stares at his husband even after he turned his face back to the road. he can't believe that he is married to this wonderful human being. it's too good to be true.
as they were walking out the door he was told that jae hwa was being brought to hoseok and yoongi's house, so they can watch her while seokjin and namjoon go out.
seokjin turned his head to see his little girl. she was just gorgeous. namjoon keeps insisting that she got that from seokjin, but he knows that she got most of her traits from her other father. she had namjoon's cutest dimples and beautiful brown eyes. as he looked back she gave the signature dimpled smile she had since she was born. seokjin smiled back and turned back around.
as they pulled into a red light, namjoon grabbed seokjin's hand and laced their fingers. seokjin leaned over the console and kissed namjoon's cheek.
"tonight's going to be perfect" namjoon said and turned to see the light turn green.
it's like everything happened in slow motion.
the driver was drunk. didn't know what he was doing; was behind the wheel even though he wasn't supposed to be. he ran the red light.
he felt namjoon's hand slip from his fingers and his arm land across his chest.
the next thing he knows he is waking up to loud noises. an ambulance. people yelling. his daughter crying.
he was on a stretcher. he lifted his head and the sight he saw was horrifying. him himself was all bloody. he could feel blood leaking from his head. his leg was burning like hell.
but he wasn't worried about himself. he was worried about his husband who was still in the fucking car. he saw his husband that was not responding to anything the paramedics were saying.
"joonie" he said weakly before he used all his strength to yell out his name again.
"joonie! baby!" he yelled out. no response. he heard the paramedic next to him trying to calm him down but he wasn't paying attention. he turned his head to see his daughter crying right next to him. he reached out and grabbed her hand.
"it's going to be okay angel. daddy's right here. and daddy will be us soon okay?" he assured his daughter. she calmed down a little but continued crying. which he understood. she was hurt. not just by the crash but because she didn't have her other father with her.
he soon felt himself being lifted into a ambulance car. no. he couldn't leave him here. he couldn't leave him and his daughter alone.
"no. no! i can't leave them! please!" seokjin yelled out but no one listened to him. soon enough he was pushed fully into the ambulance and he saw the doors close and felt them driving away. he started to cry softly. he didn't want to leave his family alone. soon enough everything started to turn black and he felt himself falling asleep.
waking up in the hospital was not how he wanted to spend his anniversary. he looked around and saw the hospital room. his head hurt so he laid back down. he didn't know how long it was before someone walked into his room. immediately he asked questions.
"my daughter. where's my daughter? and my husband? their names are kim jae hwa and kim namjoon" he said as he saw a doctor walk in.
"you're daughter is fine. she has a broken wrist, a head injury and just a few scratches on her. she is lucky that was all she got" the doctor said looking at a chart.
"my husband? what about him?" seokjin asked sitting up.
"mr. kim i really think that you should lay back do-"
"just tell me what the fuck happened to my husband" seokjin said angrily. he didn't want to have to curse at the doctor but he just wanted to know that namjoon was alright.
the doctor was silent before he told the news to seokjin.
"you're husband was in critical condition once the paramedics were able to pull him out the car. he was bleeding very badly in his chest and head. we tried everything we could but unfortunately we couldn't save him. im sorry mr. kim"
seokjin drowned out the rest of the doctors words. he felt numb. he couldn't breathe. he was trying to breathe in but nothing helped him. he heard muffled noise of doctors yelling and felt himself being laid down. it felt like he was drowning. soon enough he was felt sleepy again and everything went black.
he woke up to the sound of people talking around him.
he opened his eyes to see his daughter in the hands of hoseok.
"daddy!" she yelled and jumped out of hoseok's embrace and climbed on seokjin's lap. he winced as she hit something sensitive but held her tightly.
"i missed you so much angel" seokjin whispered into her ear.
he looked up and saw everyone there. yoongi and hoseok next to each other with their hands laced together. saw jimin, taehyung, and jungkook sitting together. they all looked tired and had red eyes. they probably heard the news.
seokjin didn't want to think about it. didn't want to believe it was real. he held his daughter tighter. after a few minutes in silence, jae hwa pulled back and asked her father a question.
"where's daddy?"
seokjin stared at her. he looked up and saw the other guys with their heads down. he didn't know what to say. she was only two years old and already her father was taken away from her. it was too soon.
"angel, daddy is in a better place. you know how we got into this very bad accident?" seokjin asked her. she nodded.
"well daddy got very very hurt. much more worse then the rest of us. and the doctors worked their magic on him. but the doctors magic wasn't enough to help daddy. daddy had to let go" seokjin said with tears streaming down his cheeks. jae hwa looked confused. she tilted her head to the side.
"daddy why are you crying?" she asked innocently.
"because daddy passed away sweetheart" seokjin whispered to his daughter. this probably wasn't the very best way he wanted to explain this to her. but he had to do it someday.
she sat quietly. everyone was silent. they waited for something. anything. a sign that she understood what happened to her father.
"daddy's in heaven?" she asked looking up at seokjin.
"yes baby. daddy's in heaven safe and sound. he's going to be alright up there" he said to her. and slowly she started to have tears well up in her eyes.
"but i don't want daddy to go. why did he have to leave us?!" she yelled and started kicking her legs. seokjin started hurting so hoseok picked her back up. she yelled and screamed as he walked her out of the room to calm her down. everyone soon left after him.
"im sorry angel" seokjin yelled out and started crying into his lap.
after a few days seokjin and jae hwa were let out of the hospital.
once they got home jae hwa asked where namjoon was. why he wasn't here with them. he kept trying to tell her in the nicest and easiest way possible but she never understood. it would take time.
seokjin woke up with him clutching his husband's pillow. he turned around and looked at the clock.
11.37pm
he turned back around and inhaled the scent of the pillow. it smelled faintly of his husband. he never washed it. that must've been unsanitary to some people but he didn't care. he needed him still there with him.
after getting out of bed he walked into the bathroom to take a shower. he made sure to put his ring on the nightstand before heading into the bathroom.
his shower was quick. he needed to be back in bed on time. he slipped on some pajamas and put back on his ring. after getting into bed he looks at the clock.
11:59 pm
seokjin looked around the room. he laid down.
"happy anniversary joonie"
"i love you so much"