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“James this...*philosophy* of yours...”
“This philosophy is what has kept me human! It’s what will keep any of us human!”
“It’s like you read it out of a book of fairy tales I swear to god! Where everyone could live in harmony if we all just wished hard enough!”
“Open your eyes James, the world isn’t as simple as you like to make it sound!”
“So what is it then!?”
“It may not be kill or be killed but its awful god damn close!”
“I’ll find my own way. Next time you need help, ask someone else.”
James gives her one last withering look and walks away into the darkness.
_________________________________________________________________________
Shit, Clementine thinks. Shit, shit, shit. She can’t just let him leave on his own like that, not with a good conscious, what are the chances he’ll survive in a dark maze of caves? He’ll get lost, he’ll starve or he’ll dehydrate or he’ll get bitten. She needs to go after him and persuade him to come with them, at least until they get out of the cave and then he can do what the fuck he pleases but she doesn’t want him to die in here, it’s not right.
“AJ, Tenn, stay right here. I won’t be long, I’m going to go after James.”
AJ grabs onto her jacket, “Why Clem? He tried to take me away from you! He doesn’t deserve to come with us!”
She hesitates, “Because AJ...the first rule is never go alone remember? Please stay here and be a good boy, promise?”
Reluctantly AJ promises. “Okay good, thank you. I will be back soon”. Clementine jogs into the direction James headed, he can’t have gotten far yet.
“JAMES! Stop! Wait!” she yells.
James stops in his tracks at the sound of Clementine’s voice and slowly turns around, he squints his eyes and spots her figure running towards him.
“Clementine!?” James snaps.
Clementine crashes into James and grabs him. “Oh thank god, don’t leave. Please come with us.” She gasps desperately.
James freezes. He thought Clementine was supposed to be fearless, brave. But right now she sounds so fragile and desperate and…scared? He’s completely shocked at the tone of her voice and it glues him to the spot, “Why should I?” he raises an eyebrow, suspicion creeping into his voice.
“I’m sorry I told AJ to shoot Lily but you don’t understand, when this all started I was 8 years old and a man named Lee found me and took care of me...”
He balks and shakes his head...“C-clementine I don’t care what you have to say! Let me go!” His voice breaks at the end. However he makes no effort to move or pull away.
“No you will listen! We met a group of survivors in a pharmacy in Macon, Lily was part of it. She became the leader of our group, but someone in our group was stealing supplies and trading them away in return for safety, she got paranoid and ended up shooting this woman named Carley straight in the head!”
“What’s your damn point!?” James cries and stamps his foot in protest.
“We let her stay with the group but she ended up stealing our RV and I hadn’t seen her since then. But she stole my friends from their home, set it on fire, cut Louis’ tongue off, got Violet’s finger chopped off, brainwashed Minnie into killing her own sister, tried to turn AJ into a solider!” Clementine pleads trying to make him see reason.
“She still had a knife in her leg James! If you turned your back on her she could’ve easily just pulled it out and stabbed you with it!”
James was stunned. That never even crossed his mind. So wrapped up in his concern about AJ’s humanity...no. So what, it was still wrong. It was despicable, his face, his eyes when he shot her. He saw the bloodlust. AJ is unsalvageable.
“She’s a monster James! AJ will never become a monster! Look into my eyes! Do you even think for a second I’d let the child I’ve been raising since I was 11, who I consider my own, to become like that!? Answer me!”
Suddenly he felt his rage come washing over him again tenfold and he spun Clementine around and pinned her against the jagged, cold rock of the cave by her shoulders hard.
“You’re the one who told him to shoot her, it’s your fault! I could’ve have saved him if you let me! If you had listened to me! But he’s too far gone Clementine. It’s too late. You’ve made him into a cold blooded killer.” James hisses.
Clementine tenses. “How dare you say that? Fuck you! Whatever experiences you’ve had James, whatever things you’ve seen or done, it’s fucking irrelevant now. Everyone has been through shit, you’re not special! They’re still human. I searched for AJ for years and there’s no way I was about to let you take him from me!” She seethes.
But all of a sudden, the fight leaves her. Her eyes soften and she looks hopeless. James falters and his grip around her shoulders slackens. “Although James...” Clementine’s hand touches his cheek and he subconsciously leans into it. When was the last time someone has done that? It feels so nice. She feels so nice. Why does it? He’s being stupid. Reckless. Clementine is doing this to him. He scrunches his eyes closed in frustration. “Please come with us and help me with him, please help me guide him, I need you.”
She…she needs me? What? That’s the first time someone has told him they needed him in years and it shakes him to his core. It’s been so long since anyone has needed James. Since someone has needed him to step up and take responsibility. To stop hiding underneath a mask, a literal and figurative one. Or a childish fantasy he made to try and protect himself from all the carnage he saw, was apart of. Needed him to be James. Not ruthless killing machine James, not pacifist coward James. Just him, true him, as much as he knows how to be.
“James...come on, talk to me, and tell me what you’re thinking.”
James zeroes in on Clementine’s soft voice, the way her shoulders tense and relax underneath his palms, the way her chest rises and falls heavily against him. He opens his eyes and notices how close his face is to hers, how her eyelashes flutter gently.
“You knew James, when you agreed to help us that this was going to happen. That walkers were going to die and humans were going to die as well. The world, it’s not so simple. The world isn’t black and white. Killing, it doesn’t make you a bad person. If you need to do it to protect someone or someplace you love. There are horrible people in the world, but please, you’ve got to realise that me and AJ and our friends, aren’t like that. You have to understand.” Clementine begs.
He moves his hands slowly down from her shoulders to her hips and her breath catches in her throat, he bends down and he murmurs low into her ear...”I know. I know what you’re saying is true, it’s so hard for me to accept that but I know you’re right.” He admits quietly. It was so difficult for him to think straight, his mind was at war with itself, two sides screaming at each other trying to make their point.
“It’s been so long Clementine, since I felt anything-anything but nothing. You’ve come along and made me question everything. Made me feel things I never thought I’d feel again. I’m so angry at you,” Clementine flinches, “at Charlie, at the world, but mostly at myself. I’m so confused and I’m so sorry.” He strokes one hand through her hair and lightly grabs her chin and gently lifts her head up.
A sudden thought enters his head. He thinks how easy it would be to bend down and kiss her right now and it startles him. What scares him is how much he actually wants to. Since when did curiosity, understanding, admiration for Clementine and then disgust and disbelief and hostility manifest into...this?
But she’s so beautiful and she’s looking at him so earnestly and openly, like she’s giving him permission to see into her entire soul that he can’t find the strength within himself to resist the temptation, to just close those last few centimetres and press his lips carefully against hers. So he does. He pulls away after a couple of seconds and takes a deep breath. “Was that-was that okay? He murmurs. Clementine nods her head dumbfounded.
With her consent he shakily leans back in. One kiss, two, three, each kiss he makes last longer. It was so tender, so gentle and perfect. Kissing her felt like a private conversation, to him it was him saying, “I’m sorry, I’ll help you” and to Clementine it was her saying, “I forgive you, thank you.” Eventually they break apart slowly and rest their foreheads against each other. They breathe heavily for a while just revelling in each other’s warmth.
“James as nice as this is, I need to get back to AJ and Tenn, I’ve been gone longer than expected and AJ will probably start looking for me soon, he must be worried sick and I don’t want him wandering these caves all by himself.”
“Is that why you came after me?” James lightly teases.
“Mostly, yeah.” Clementine smiles shyly at him. Her face falls again. “Will you come back to the kids with me then? You don’t have to stay at the boarding school…although it would be nice if you did. Just stay with us until we get out of here, then feel free to do what you need.”
James looks down and bites his lip. He’s made up his mind. “Okay, I will. Also…if it’s okay with the others, I’d like to stay in the school too.”
Clementine shines a bright smile and exhales deeply. “Thank god! Thank you James. Come on, let’s get back.”