Chapter Text
There are those unlucky few that have Soul-marks stained in a blistering dark red, looking like a burned scar, these marks are called death-marks, love that is doomed to end in pain.
Before this year he could count on one hand the amount of people that knew about his mark, he had been careful about it, hidden, as cold as possible. And now, because of one stupid moment that number of people had more than doubled. A part of him wanted to be thankful, now his new team knew why he was such a cold person, but still – he hated that the secret he had kept so close to his heart had been brought to light so easily.
He had come back from Denmark with a cold, something simple at first, something he ignored. He picked up all his things from the C9 house, said goodbye to some of his best friend and just left. Making his way to the Liquid apartments as soon as possible. All Nicolaj wanted to do was sleep and ignore all the negativity, but he wasn’t going to get it.
“Welcome to the team!”
Apparently, Liquid didn’t do anything in small steps or half measures, he was dragged to a welcome party by Impact and found himself interacting with his whole team and those important to them. He pushed back the headache that was beginning to sneak into his mind.
“I was not about to let you become a closed of hermit in this team as well Jensen, right off the start – you are socializing, I am making sure of it.”
“Pact, why do you do this to me?”
“Because maybe you wouldn’t hate people if you actually spent time with them.”
“I don’t hate people, it’s not my fault that they take my indifference as hate.”
Impact laughed at this, “Yeah tell that to all the people that you have pushed away.”
“Is it still personal if I do it to everyone?”
“Yes!”
“Hey what’s this – just because your ex-team mates don’t mean you get to have all of the time with him, you know.” It was Peter that walked up to them, his arm slung around his jungler.
The position clearly showed off Peter’s mark on his inner wrist. A beautiful deep blue in colour, it was a crescent moon, with a split down the middle. The blue indicated that he would be loved by many people, the split indicating that the AD had not one, but two soul-mates.
Nicolaj vaguely found himself feeling a stinging pain of jealousy.
“I’m not keeping him to myself, I am just making sure he doesn’t flake out.”
“This is your welcoming party – why would you leave?”
Nicolaj folded his arms across his chest and glared at Jake for this question. “I’m tired, sick and would really rather be left alone so I can go and sleep.”
“Is that a little bit of Incarnation speaking?”
“Watch it.”
Jake just laughed, moving from Peter’s side to Nicolaj, slinging an arm around him as he added. “I kid, don’t worry – I don’t take any real value in any of that kind of stuff.”
Nicolaj flinched and suddenly went into full protective mode, “you should – I am a pretty big asshole.”
“Liar.”
The midlaner glared at this, making a mental note that he would have to work harder on pushing away Jake than some other people.
“I will hold onto my view.” Jake continued, “That anyone that is friends with Sneaky can’t be that bad.
Nicolaj breathed out deeply at this. Zach, one of the few people outside of his family to know about the mark. To understand why. There had been a small moment in his life that he thought that possibly the two of them could be a match, and it had terrified him. But that fateful day when Zach had seen his he had immediately shown Nicolaj his own. The two were different in every single way and when Zach had told him he didn’t really believe in Soul-mates anyway Nicolaj knew that he had found someone he could trust, that he could care for without fear of anything happening.
“Yeah well,” He swallowed, trying not let his emotions take over him. “Zach’s a special case, don’t even pretend you’re even close to him.”
“Is that Jensen talk for; I’m going to give you the cold shoulder so don’t’ even try it?”
“Yes.”
Jake grinned, “Still not buying it.”
“I think,” Peter was smiling at him, and his eyes held a mischievous glint that Nicolaj really didn’t like the look of. “You just need to let your guard down – live a little.”
“Fuck you I…”
Nicolaj wondered why he didn’t realize any earlier just how close he was standing to the indoor pool that people were using to late. Peter actually tackled him sending them both into the water. Nicolaj’s mind screamed at him and for a moment he forgot how to swim, before his brain kicked in again and he surfaced, glaring at the chuckling Peter.
“What the fuck – what gives you the damn right?”
“Oh my God, you’re face right now – priceless.”
“Sorry Jensen, I think Peter might be a little bit drunk right now.” The comment came from the side of the pool and Nicolaj turned to see Bonnie, standing with his hands folded across his chest, and an eyebrow raised as he rolled her eyes at the giggling Peter.
As she knelt down beside the pool, he noticed the same moon soul-mark in white on her ankle, unlike Peter’s it didn’t have a strike through it and it was a startling pear white in colour. Those that had a soul mark of white loved only person in their entire lives, Nicolaj was glad to see that she had found her match.
“He can get a little bit weird and eccentric when he lets go like this. I mean sure he’s a bit weird all the time but hey.”
“Yeah but you love me anyway.”
Bonnie just rolled her eyes again and held out a hand to Nicolaj an offer to help him out. He gratefully took it, slipping slightly as he did so, almost falling right onto her.
“Fuck, sorry.”
She shook her head, “It’s fine, really, um…. Just so you know.” Bonnie dropped her voice to a whisper, “Your shirt is going see through with the water and your mark is starting to appear.” She placed a hesitant hand on his upper back, between his shoulder blades, where the mix of white and light-coloured shirt was slowly causing the hidden mark to be seen.
Nicolaj’s eyes widened as this, fear crashing down around him. “No… no. I fuck… no, I mean – thank you I…”
Concern filled Bonnie’s eyes, not liking his panicked behaviour. “Hey, hey it’s okay – no one is going to judge you here… or use that information to hurt you in anyway – you know that…”
“I know, it’s not that I…” He got to his feet, breathing heavily and began to walk backwards. All eyes were now on him, realizing that something was wrong. “I… I better go, I shouldn’t, I really…” His breathing became more erratic, his headache had increased.
He couldn’t believe it, only a few hours, only the short time of confirming he was on this team – and now, they all probably thought he was crazy. And now, they could well be knowing more about him than he really wanted anyone ever to.
“Nicolaj…” In walking backwards, he had run straight into Steve, the Liquid owner gripping his shoulders to steady him.
Images of Jack finding out about his mark crashed through his head, their relationship had never been the same after that. He wanted nothing to be with it in this team, no – all he wanted was to be an asshole and for no one to like him. But it seemed his body had other ideas, with a burst of pain, a crush of heat – his head pulled, his body tensed and he collapsed in a dead feint.
Steve thanked anyone that was listening that he was already holding the midlaner. “Holly fuck, fuck I…” He slowly moved down to the ground with the extra weight of Nicolaj. “What the fuck do I do?”
“Steve.” It was Bonnie, having glanced at the mark and easily realizing why Jensen had freaked out so much. “I think, I think it’s best that not many people are around for this.” She pointed out the mark, that was showing more and more through the damp shirt. The dark red and black scar becoming more obvious every second.
Steve swore under his breath, acting quickly he took his own jacket and threw it over Nicolaj’s back. “Right, immediate evac, right now.” He completely ignored everyone else comments and questions as he took Nicolaj up in his arms, surprised at how light the midlaner was and carried him back to the house.
“Bonnie? What, what the hell was that?”
“Oh, he is going to hate you.”
Peter pouted, now completely sober, the events having woken him up. “I think he already does, actually.”
“No, he doesn’t – I don’t think he hates anyone.” She stared at Peter, trying her best to resit the pull of the bond between the two of them. But her soul mark burned and she sighed, knowing she could never hide such a thing from him. “His mark showed through the water Peter, it’s… I didn’t get a full look, but I am pretty sure it’s burned, black and red and blistered.”
“Oh, fucking hell, of course it is.”
x-x-x
When he woke Nicolaj found himself in his own room, the curtains had been pulled, blocking out the glaring morning sun. A glass of water and some painkillers were at his bedside table, along with a bowl of assorted fruit. Breathing out deeply, Nicolaj pulled himself into a sitting position, the blanket falling off him – revealing his bare chest to the cold air.
Of course, they had taken off his wet clothes, it was the right thing to do but it made him want to scream. It meant someone had seen it, probably more than one someone. “Just my fucking luck, ugh.” He drowned the water, pulling a face as he swallowed the pills, getting out of the bed, he moved to the bathroom, spinning to glare at the mark on his back.
Burned into the space between the shoulder blades, the image of a bare tree branch, with a single leaf falling off it. He hated it, he despised it – the colours, almost rust like had caused him nothing but misery. And now, if he had to guess, his team, his whole team, knew, his want for a fresh start was gone.
He had no delusions that they hadn’t seen it.
“Well, time to face the music, I guess.” He made his way out of his room in the Liquid apartment to see the whole team, as well as Bonnie and Steve, squashed into the small lounge that would be his. “Please don’t tell me you all spent the night here…”
“Nicolaj, you’re awake!” It was Peter that ran forward, stopping in front of him, suddenly looking very awkward. “I.. aw, I am so, so sorry.”
Nicolaj narrowed his eyes and folded his arms across his chest, “Apology not accepted.”
“I… I deserve that,” Peter admitted, looking his new team-meat up and down, “Look I… if I had known.”
“No one knows, that’s kind of the point, well, a few people knew.” He breathed out deeply, “More than a few now it seems. All... all of you saw it?”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed about.”
“It’s not shame, it has nothing to do with shame!”
“Then what does it have to do with?”
“I barley know any of you… I mean three years here but really, not at all – what makes you think you of all people get to know the answer to that question?”
“For that exact reason,” Jake commented quietly, “We don’t know you – you don’t know us; isn’t that easier?”
“What would have been easier would have been for you all to hate me, to be completely closed off and leave it at that – no questions, no awkwardness – just like every other year…”
“Fate doesn’t want that – it seems.”
“Fate and I have never been friends or agree on anything.” He sighed at this, collapsing into a chair and looking out around the room, not knowing if he could do this, not wanting to put his burdens on his new team. “I…”
“Nicolaj, that mark – doesn’t define you – but if it has for your life up until this point, maybe it’s time to stop.”
The room fell silent and Nicolaj was reminded of telling Zach, of telling Jack, of a three am conversation with Andy that ended with both of them in tears. There conversations had a tendency to destroy him.
“Both of my parents have scared marks, I have it – my sister has it…” The words tumbled out of his mouth quickly and no one dared interrupt him. “My parents, they didn’t love each other, they barley liked each other – but they shared the same pain, they shared the same want – to not hurt anyone. My Mum, her high-school boyfriend, was run over by a car, barley minutes after she admitted her feelings for him. My Dad’s first wife, drowned in a freak accident on their honeymoon. Just last year, my sister – married the love of her life – perfect match – and he killed himself, a week after the wedding.”
He shook his head, hating the tears in his eyes, hating how much it hurt. “People say it doesn’t matter, that the death mark is jus a myth, a superstition… In my experience, it’s very, very real. So, it’s just easier, to push people away, to be an asshole and be full of hate. Just in case, just in case they happen to be the one….”
The silence stretched out after this and they figured it was okay to ask questions, “When, when did it appear?”
“A few weeks after arriving in America actually… to be honest I thought I had pushed it all away by being pre-emptive about not showing love, in anyway… apparently not.”
“But what about people you know don’t match, that you have seen their marks, and you know they are not your soul-mate?” Peter tilted his head, “Surely they…”
“It is not about the matches, it is about how I feel towards them… even the love of a friend could be dangerous, anything could be really… it’s just not worth the risk, nothing is.”
“That… really explains everything.” Impact shook his head, glancing over at the midlaner. “You have pushed a lot od of people away… even me at some points.”
“Don’t take it personally.” The silence fell on them once again, the atmosphere tense. Eventually Nicolaj got to his feet. “Well that is about it, if we’re al finished dragging up my secrets we can all go back to our lives and pretend none of this ever happened.”
“Just like that?”
“I humbly ask that this isn’t the only thing that I am, or I might have to hate you for an actual reason.” Nicolaj breathed out deeply before adding, “I…. this was supposed to be a fresh start – a move away from where it was starting to get… hard. All I ask, is that you do what you can, for it not to be hard here.”
And together, they did their best, together they made the effort to just let him be. And it angered then to see it all from the outside, how easily he pushed people away – all of the backlash he got from it, how he made it seem like it all rolled off him, when in reality it didn’t.
They held onto the fact that they could count themselves in the small amount that knew, they could say they had seen his true soul. They had seen the mark of his pain and push back, so they would do all they could, they would stand and take it so, that here, in his team at least, it wouldn’t be hard.