Work Text:
Say you could turn me on
Boy, but that's about it
You can say what you wanna
But I wouldn't believe it
His phone is ringing again, Phil's name on the screen until the call disconnects, unanswered. It makes Dan feel a weird sort of powerful, to know that right now he is in control of their interactions.
It doesn’t make sense, he knows, but he can’t help himself. There’s a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, a slow burning sensation that has been keeping him company since he first came back home the previous night.
He knows that nothing is really wrong, knows that this feeling is only inside his brain and he shouldn't let it control his mood, but it's easier said than done. He always has this issue, always feels like there's a dark cloud looming over his head, preparing to rain on him the moment he allows himself to feel happiness.
His ex girlfriend would always say that, now that he thinks about it. She meant well, he knows that now - it wasn't easy for her to see him working himself into negativity spirals whenever there was a mild risk that things could go differently than he anticipated. She would try to push him through that paralyzing fear, tell him that it wasn't real and he was stronger than that, even though he never believed her.
What tells him that Phil won't think the same? He's been texting Dan nonstop since last night, first to ask if the train ride had been okay, then simply sending silly messages, to remind Dan of his presence - as if Dan could ever forget about him.
You could write all them songs
That's the game that you play
Tryna right all them wrongs
But you can't make me stay
It's unfair to Phil, to be treated like that, dismissed without a word from Dan, but right now he can't get himself to do anything else. His phone lay on his bedside table as he looks at it without really seeing it.
He knows what this is about, truth be told. He pushed too hard, asked for too much from Phil, skipped so many steps that he felt like he was tumbling down.
Dan can still remember it, the surprised and slightly panicked look that had overtaken Phil's face the last day of his stay, when they had been laying on his bed watching something silly and Dan had looked at him and asked, through the anxiety in his body, what were they.
He hadn't had to wait for Phil's stuttered answer to know what he was going to say - that he didn't know yet, that it was too early to put a label on it, and wasn't it just easier like this, to hang out and enjoy their time together without complicating things with labels and boundaries?
On one hand, Dan can understand it. Their relationship has gone from flirting over the internet to hanging out and kissing softly and spending all their time talking to each other. It's exhilarating and terrifying and probably too much too soon.
But that isn't what hurt him the most. What hurt him is the words Phil uttered that last night, one arm wrapped around Dan's midriff and nose buried in his neck - that he's afraid to be just an experiment for Dan, an excited trial of his sexuality before going off to university the next year.
And while Dan can understand it, he also hates it. He hates that Phil would think something like that, would have doubts about Dan - although Dan hasn't made a mystery of how many doubts he has about Phil getting tired of him, about Phil playing with his heart because of how much Dan adores him. Somehow, it feels worse to know that Phil doesn't realize just how deep Dan's feelings for him are, how much he cares, how much he hates not being able to be with him every single day.
If you knew better
Boy, you would do better
Can't nobody love you like I do
Baby, I could do better
His phone rings again with the sound of a text message and Dan feels guilty - but he still wants answers, that’s the thing. Everything about his future feels up in the air, hanging right over him, far enough that he can’t quite reach it. Nothing feels certain, and the fear of what he has to, the decisions that he has to make, the plans that have to fall through for him to reach the goals that he’s trying to set for himself - everything feels unstable.
The fact that, right now, Phil is another wobbling piece on his precarious jenga tower is just too much for Dan to handle. Phil, who has been his constant for months now, whose presence has been the safe haven where he’s searched refuge - Phil, who has been able to make him smile even through tears of uncertainty.
Maybe, he thinks to himself as he rolls in bed to grab at his phone and starts scrolling through the messages that Phil has left him, maybe the real issue isn't Phil's apparent lack of answers, but rather the motives behind Dan's need to question the two of them.
Maybe, he thinks as he presses on Phil's contact to call him back, maybe Phil doesn't know better because he's just as scared as Dan is, just as terrified of this thing between them, so good and unexpected and fragile.
Maybe, he thinks as he waits for Phil to pick up the phone, maybe he just needs to be patient. Maybe, for once, he can try to let go of his need to know what the future holds and try to live in the presence, enjoy what he has in the moment instead of worrying about what it means for the future.
Maybe Phil doesn't know better, but Dan isn't that different.
“Dan!” Phil says as soon as the calls connects, voice loud with surprise and almost breathless with what sounds like relief.
He instantly feels a mix of guilt and pleasure at that. “Hey, sorry for -”
“I miss you.”
It's impossible not to smile at how earnest Phil sounds, the way his voice sounds soft and low and so honest that Dan wants to drown in it.
So he smiles and allows that warm sound to wash away the fears and insecurities that have kept him company for the day, and tells himself to have faith - in himself, in Phil, in the two of them together.
“I miss you too.”
Boy, if you knew better
You would do better
Baby, if you love me like I love you
Maybe we could be together
*****
Never been with a boy more than six months
I couldn't do it, got too used to it
Ain't nobody ever kept my attention
They couldn't do it, yeah boy, they blew it
Dan snores.
He isn't particularly loud thankfully, mostly soft low snores due to his face being squished into the couch - but if he has to be honest with himself, Phil thinks he would probably find him adorable even if Dan let out the loudest snores in the world, because truth be told, he can't help but think everything concerning Dan is cute.
On one hand, it's exhilarating, this feeling of getting to know Dan more and more and finding new things to be enamoured with - the croak in his voice when he's just woken up, the way his hair curls just lightly so at the end of the day, the whiny tone he takes on until Phil concedes to a rematch the rare times he loses at a Mario Kart race against him.
But it's also terrifying, in a way that he didn't even know was possible until he's there, looking down at the boy curled up in himself only a few inches away from his lap, and he's overtaken by an overwhelming urge to reach out and pet his hair just to feel the softness of it, just to touch him and remind himself that he is allowed to, no matter how unbelievable that still feels.
Phil has never felt like this before. He isn't the most experienced with relationships, but he's had a few flings with boys - some of them experiences born of too much alcohol and loud music at university parties, only a couple of them involving spending time with the other person, getting to know them as something more than simply hanging out.
None of those fleeting experiences compare to the feeling of being under Dan's spell, the need to wrap him up in a blanket and keep him warm and safe right next to Phil, close enough for him to reach instead of hundreds of kilometers away.
He knows what it means, even if he's never felt it before. He's falling hard and fast, and he's terrified - but at the same time, he knows there's no stopping it.
But you showed me what it means to be happy ever after
In love forever
And you gave me the key to all your love and all your pleasure
Boy, you're my treasure
How can he think about stopping this feeling when it's so good? How can he tell himself to be careful and take a step back when every moment spent with Dan, both in person and over a shitty internet connection, feels better than anything else?
This is happiness, he knows it is. He can feel it in the way his jaw hurts after smiling and laughing for so long, in the curious looks his mum sends his way whenever he ends a conversation with Dan and he can still feel that warm feeling swirl inside of him.
He knows it's happiness, because he's looked forward to this week together for a month, lying awake at night counting down the days separating them from this moment.
And sure, it's dangerous, he's not naive enough to not recognize it. Dan is young and doesn’t yet know what he’s going to do the next year - nevermind the fact that he lives on the other side of the country and he’s just ended a three years relationship only a couple of months before. It’s probably reckless to fall so deep for someone that could very well leave any moment.
But Phil doesn’t think Dan would do it - Dan, who listens to him talking with the utmost interest, who always wants to know what Phil is up to and what his dreams and fears and wishes are. Dan, who has been showing him affection since the days where he was nothing but a twitter handle in the midst of hundreds more.
Maybe they haven’t known each other for that long, and maybe they still have a long time before Phil’s trust is justified. But Dan has listened to him and comforted him and made him happy, with a few words and warm hugs and the unbelievable feeling of his soft lips against Phil’s, and Phil isn’t ready to give it up yet.
Not when the sight of Dan asleep on his couch,wearing comfortable clothes that smell like the two of them, is the one thing that he has been dreaming of for weeks now.
Been friends for a minute
So you know just what I like
You know my mind
Even seen boys come and go
So you know what makes me cry
See, you're the one that treat me right
Dan makes a sound then, a soft sleepy whine that tugs at Phil's heartstrings and makes him turn his head towards the boy even without being aware of it. He knows that he must look ridiculously fond as he looks down at Dan, whose eyes are half open and unfocused.
There are marks on his cheek from the texture of the couch, and his hair is a matted mess that he will probably complain about in 5 minutes. His lips are chapped and Phil is sure that there's probably half-dry drool at the corner of his mouth.
He's the most beautiful boy Phil has ever looked at, the most amazing person he's ever known. And when he finally comes back to it, when his eyes are a bit more open and he looks half awake, he tilts his head to look up at Phil and he smiles.
“Hi,” he says, voice barely louder than a whisper and still the only sound Phil can focus on. He stirs a bit, his white shirt raising slightly to reveal a pale stretch of smooth skin that Phil wants to feel under his fingertips.
“Hey there, sleepy head,” Phil says, and God, could his voice sound softer, could it be more obvious just how much he cares for Dan, how strong his feelings for him are becoming, day after day.
He would feel self conscious if it wasn't for the way Dan's face seem to light up right after, and then he's wiggling to come even closer and lay his head on Phil's lap, face turned to look him right in the eyes, lashes long and dark and fanning over his soft cheeks.
“Sorry I fell asleep,” he murmurs, but he doesn't look that sorry, not at all. If anything, he looks soft and cozy and happy, everything that Phil's heart has been wishing for, forever.
So there's nothing else he can do but lean down and leave a chaste kiss on his lips, one hand cupping his head to thread his fingers through the half curling hair. “Don't be. I didn't mind.”
“Mmh,” Dan purrs the second Phil leans away, closing his eyes as Phil starts petting his hair. “Then I might just sleep more.”
“As long as you stay here.”
Dan's eyes open just a fraction, and Phil doesn't think he's lying to himself when he sees the same deep affection that he feels, reflected in the dark brown that he likes so much.
“I'll stay forever.”
Oh, be forever mine, you and I
Oh, be forever mine, boy, all the time
You're my forever, boy