Work Text:
Thace and Ulaz had yet to talk about what had happened during Haggar’s take over of the Castle using her stone. Ulaz didn’t remember much of the weeks leading up to the time he tried to take his own life, but he did remember that he and Thace fought, badly. What’s more is that it appeared that both Thace and Shiro were verbally abused by their families, leading to both men withdrawing emotionally.
He had to deal with it before it got worse. Thace was trying to put on a brave face, trying to pretend like what happened didn’t affect him. But it did. How could it not? It had affected Ulaz as well and with Thace in the state that he was, he felt like he could talk about it, like it was something to be ashamed of the fact that he was weak as to let himself be tricked and controlled by Haggar and her visions.
So, one night after dinner he decided to confront the issue head on.
“Thace, we need to talk.” He said with as much authority as he could muster.
“That doesn’t sound good.” Thace said. Though is tone was light, he was tense.
Ulaz took a deep breath to gather his thoughts and sat down on the bed. He hoped they could start making steps forward to heal tonight. He didn’t want to lose himself again. “It’s about what happened during the Space Stone Incident.”
“Ah, if you’re talking about our arguments, then no need to worry. I know you weren’t in your right mind.”
That pissed him off, the way Thace just tried to dismiss it, as if nothing had happened between them. Ulaz crossed his arms and glared at him.
“Can you take this seriously for one second.”
He turned to him and glared. “I am taking this seriously. I’m taking this very seriously. I don’t think talking about an argument we had when you were under the influence of some magic rock is worth our time.” His voice was steadily rising.
“First of all, you don’t get to be the only one who decides what’s ‘worth our time’. And second of all, I want to talk about the incident, all of the incident! This affected me just as much as it affected you and is still affecting you.”
“It is not affecting me any more!” Thace shouted back.
If Ulaz was calmer, he might have recognized this as an attempt to not discuss hurtful things, the brain’s way of protecting itself from past trauma. He would have then thought of ways they could discuss this calmly and get to the bottom of it. As it stood now, he was scared and tired and desperate for someone to actually start healing and dammit he and Thace were going to figure this out tonight.
“It is affecting you and it’s affecting me to. I deserve to know what I said and did to you.”
“Why? Why does it matter even when I say that it doesn’t. You only argued with me and I don’t care.”
“Because I care! I don’t want to hurt you.”
“That’s never stopped you before!”
He felt his mouth drop open and he struggled to figure out if what he heard was real or not.
Based on the way Thace looked at him, he had said it.
“Ulaz, I--”
“Get out.” His voice was low, and he was trying to hide the fact that it was shaking.
“I didn’t mean to--”
“Get. Out.” He gritted his teeth so hard he could swear one of them cracked.
“I--”
“Out!” He screamed. “Get out before I throw you out. Don’t test me.”
Thace looked at him a second longer before turning and leaving the room. Once the door had slid closed, Ulaz dissolved into tears.
oOoOoOo
Thace messed up. He had messed up badly. Now he was sitting in a little used lounge trying to figure out how to make everything right. Why had he snapped at Ulaz? He was right, he deserved to know what happened. Thace should have just told him, it was nothing. Really and truly nothing.
Of course, if he told Ulaz what had happened, Ulaz would then want to know about what he had seen. And then he would have had to talk about everything his parents had said, everything he had seen. He didn’t want Ulaz to know because what if he then thought Thace believed those things? The stone wasn’t an intelligent entity, it fed off of your own thoughts and desires. What if Thace really…
The door slid open and Thace was grateful it was Coran and not one of the children. He did not want them to see him getting ready to sleep on a sofa that was too small for him.
“What happened?” Coran’s voice was soft, gentle, compassionate. He should not have sounded that way with Thace.
“Ulaz and I had a fight. We’ll be alright tomorrow.” He smiled at the man, hoping he would get the hint and leave him alone.
He did not get the hint and instead sat next to Coran.
“I don’t need to talk about it.”
“I think you do.” He was still using that gentle voice. It made Thace want to simultaneously throw him out of the room and break down in tears.
“We are married. We are going to fight every so often. Why is everyone insisting on talking about things that I don’t want to talk about?” Perhaps he should be asking himself why he was so hesitant to talk about these things.
“He’s worried, we all are.” Coran looked so tired and worn out.
“Have you talked to anyone about what had happened? What you saw?” It was starting to occur to Thace that as the only adults on this ship, they didn’t have many people to lean on for support. It wasn’t fair to burden the children, who were already scared and looking for comfort, with their own problems. But again, if Thace let someone open up to him, they would expect him to discuss it as well and he wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t ready to face the ugly side of his mind.
“I talked with Ulaz a bit. I think, however, that he wants to know the extent of what he did. He’s afraid, Thace.”
“Afraid of what?” He snorted.
“Of saying or doing something he can’t take back.”
The matter of fact way Coran had said it left Thace feeling as though ULaz had spent a great many nights worrying himself sick over their arguments.
“What did your family tell you?” He asked.
Coran looked down at his hands. “Only the things I thought to myself on a regular basis. I feel guilty, leaving them behind. At the time, it was only supposed to be for a few phoebs, maybe a deca-phoeb at the most. When I woke up and realized ten thousand of them had passed…”
He took a deep breath. “The ship stopped updating when King Alfor put in his last logs. I don’t know how or when they died. That’s the hardest part of this. I’m afraid they suffered greatly while I was asleep. Maybe if I hadn’t volunteered to stay with Allura, maybe I could have done something more.”
Thace shook his head. “No, you were probably not the deciding factor of the war. Besides, Princess Allura needs you.”
Coran smiled. “You’re right. Now, why won’t you talk to Ulaz?”
“Emotions are bad. Weakness is bad. And I was very, very weak.” Thace admitted. “If I start talking to him about what happened, I’ll be completely exposed and I know, I know this isn’t a bad thing. It’s a healthy thing to trust someone with your vulnerabilities, but my parents, they were here and they made me remember what happens if you’re weak. What happens if you show emotion.”
He looked down. Even admitting that made him feel better, and also worse. “They said horrible things, about me and Ulaz, about our relationship and the children. You said that what your parents said to you were things you thought to yourself. What if the things they said to me are what I really think?”
Coran put a hand on his shoulder. “The fact that you are so conflicted means that you are not like them. You are trying to improve yourself and break free from your upbringing. It’s hard, but you can do it. You’re not weak, Thace. You’re just a man who’s hurting and needs some help. Let Ulaz and I help you.”
Thace nodded. “I’m not sure I can. There’s this block that’s preventing me.”
“Then take small steps and remind yourself what you are willing to do for Ulaz. He’s willing to do the same thing for you.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
oOoOoOo
Thace slept horribly on the couch. He knew what had to be done and it was tying his stomach in knots thinking about it. What would he say? How would he say it? What if Ulaz was still mad at him?
He still needed to get this over with. It was going to affect the team if he and Ulaz were fighting for much longer. Besides, Coran was right (When was he not?). Thace needed to address his issues head on. He was suffering, not talking about the things he saw and experienced while under the influence of the stone. So he steeled himself and went to find Ulaz.
He was glad Ulaz was in their room and not in the lab. He didn’t think this conversation was good to hold out in public where the Paladins could hear. Still, there was something about being enclosed in their own private space that made things scary, that made him more vulnerable.
He cleared his throat awkwardly at the door. Ulaz turned to him. Thace felt even worse upon seeing his face. It was clean Ulaz had been crying and it took a lot of self control not to rush to him and comfort him. He didn’t know where they stood yet and he needed to go about this carefully.
“I’m here to apologize.” Wow, did he need to sound so stiff? This was his mate he was talking to, not a random person who he had wronged. He needed to try again. “I mean, I am very sorry for what I said and did.” Did that sound better? Did it sound worse?
“Um, I mean--”
Ulaz held up his hand. “Why are you here?”
Did he not hear Thace’s pathetic attempt at an apology. “Because I’m sorry?”
Ulaz sighed. He seemed very tired. “That’s good, but why? What exactly are you sorry about?”
Ah, yeah. He needed to do a better job at showing that this was not just some pathetic attempt to seek forgiveness, but a genuine attempt at changing for the better. He hazarded a step in and sat on a chair. He really wanted to be next to Ulaz, to confirm that he was alive and not under the influence of some horrible magic trick.
“I’m sorry for not wanting to talk about what happened. For making decisions without you. And for saying those things. I don’t mean it, Ulaz. I don’t believe that you have ever intentionally hurt me or used me for your own gain.”
Ulaz hunched in on himself. “Why don’t you want to talk about this with me? It affected us both and I feel like I can’t come to you because you’ve built this wall. I’m scared and I’m suffering and you won’t help me because you refuse to get help.”
Thace almost reached out to touch Ulaz, but stopped himself. They still weren’t fixed. They still weren’t right. “My parents, spoke to me. And they reminded me of… everything. They reminded me of how I should behave, how I should act.” He glanced over at Ulaz. “Who I should love. I didn’t mean to shut you out but I felt like I had to because I had done something wrong. I am wrong.”
Ulaz took his hand and leaned against his shoulder. “You’re not wrong. But you have to do better. Every time something happens that you don’t want to talk about, you hold it in until you explode and you’re not the only one who gets hurt when that happens.”
Then, quieter, he said, “I want to help you, but I can’t if you don’t let me in.”
“I’m trying.”
“You’re not. Not really.”
Thace nodded and pulled Ulaz closer. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m trying, to try. If that makes any sense.”
Ulaz snorted and for the first time, it felt as though they were actually making progress.
“What did we argue about?”
Thace sighed and thought back to all those nights he slept in another room, or left Ulaz to wallow in the lab because they were shouting at each other. “Honestly, I’m not really sure.”
“Thace.” He warned.
“I’m being serious. I’d walk in and say hello, you’d snap at me, I’d snap back. Then next thing I knew, we were arguing but it felt like we weren’t arguing about the same thing. It was… weird. Like if we weren’t yelling at each other, it wouldn’t mean anything.”
Ulaz looked up at him. “Seriously? We were just yelling at each other?”
Thace smiled. “Yeah, that’s why I didn’t want to talk about it. Looking back on it, I could tell you weren’t trying to hurt me, you were trying to make me go away.”
Ulaz settled back into his side and sighed. “You don’t get to be the only one who makes those decisions.”
“I know.”
“The only time you ever get to decide something on your own is if you want to break up with me.”
“Why would I ever want to break up with someone as great as you?”
Ulaz smacked him playfully. “You’re being sappy.”
“What about you?” Thace said. He remembered the reason Ulaz wanted him to open up in the first place was so that he could also talk about his experience. He needed to talk about it and Thace desperately wanted them both to get better.
“What about me?”
“What happened with your family? What did they say?”
Ulaz was silent for several moments, but Thace didn’t push him. He was gathering his thoughts, taking his time to figure out what was most important at the moment.
“It wasn’t so much what they said as it was the realization that they weren’t… gone.” His voice cracked on the last word. “I’ve held out hope for so long that they were all still alive and that one day I would find them and to see them here on this ship, I didn’t want to question it because that would be admitting it wasn’t possible.”
He was crying now, shaking in Thace’s arms and the words were flowing out of him as well.
“I’m not ready, Thace.” He was clutching onto Thace’s arm so tightly it would probably leave bruises. “I don’t want to be ready because I want them back. I want them to be here with me and to tell them about my day and to just exist with them but I can’t because…”
He was well and truly sobbing now, years of pent up grief finally being released and Thace felt extremely useless. The only thing he could do was stroke Ulaz’s back and hold him close. This was part of the reason he didn’t want to talk about his experiences. Having his mother and father saying mean things to him was not the same as coming to terms with the fact that your entire family was dead.
“They’re gone. They’re gone and they’re not coming back and just admitting it feel like I’m betraying them.”
He hugged him tighter. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” What else could he say? What else could he do?
He decided, possibly for the first time in his life, to completely ignore what his instincts were telling him to do. He wanted to tell Ulaz that everything was okay and he’d get over it eventually. He wanted to point out that at least they didn’t suffer, despite the fact that he had no idea if they suffered or not.
Instead, he hugged him as tightly as possible and didn’t try and comfort him. Things were not okay and Ulaz would never get over this, but with time he’d learn to live and keep moving forward.
“You’re not betraying them. You surviving isn’t betraying them. You are fighting to get rid of Zarkon once and for all, to make sure nothing like this will ever happen again. That’s not betraying them, Laz,” he said.
Ulaz’s sobs had died down but he was still shaking and hiccuping.
Despite the fact that it didn’t feel like they made any progress on their own mental trauma, it did feel different, sitting their wrapped up in each other. Thace felt lighter and even Ulaz seemed to have relaxed a bit. Now that they had started the healing process, they could continue to move forward. Everyone on the Castle was hurting, but together, they’d help each other.