Work Text:
You say goodbye with a sigh
Lonely hours about to start
We meet we talk you let go
Of my hand and I'm lost
You tease and you talk
Talk me through this new world we've created
Where whispers are amplified and declarations are quiet
Where a flyaway strand of hair and an inkstain are enough
For you to step closer and a little closer
Close enough that I can see everything
But I don't know what it means
Can you show me?
Take my hand and follow me
As I discover what your looks truly mean
And hold you close as the world changes
As the music we listen to transfers to the vintage hits section
I say hello with a smile
Lonely hours are over
And the little sign over my heart flips to 'open'
****
Ryan asks him the question is after they have sex for the first time.
"Where did you go off to?"
They're lying next to each other, sticky and sweaty. Shane is aware of the body next to him. But not really. He didn't feel like he was in his body. There was like an invisible glass wall separating him and the rest of the world.
An undercurrent of anxiety ran through Shane's mind. It was like a thin, steady stream of insecurities filling his empty brain.
Was I good enough was I good enough did Ryan like it was I good enough am I good enough am I good enough am I good enough-
"Big guy? Was I so great in bed that blew your socks off?"
Shane feels himself loosen a little. He turns to face Ryan. Bright, funny, handsome Ryan. Feeling his lips curl up into a smile, he brought up a hand to card his fingers through his boyfriend's hair. The sun rays lit up the room through the crack in the blinds and it was all golden.
Ryan's joking face softened as he reached towards Shane. The sweat and other bodily fluids were starting to dry and Shane wrinkled his nose.
"If you're up for having more than just your socks blown, join me in the shower." He carefully disentangled himself from Ryan.
Shane deserved the pillow to his face.
****
The second time it happens is during a movie marathon.
The theme is horror movies which are so bad they end up being comedies.
The TV is showing a stereotypical white blonde girl, screaming as a ghost (a mishmash of poor CGI and costume) chases her through the house. It was jarring enough that Shane didn't feel like falling asleep through the movie.
Ryan was looking at the movie with the haunted eyes of someone who had seen many an amateur film with the exact same plot in college and survived. Shane sighed. He was so lovely. There was no other word that fit how his heart swelled like the song of birds on a spring morning.
His Arctic Monkeys T-shirt had ketchup stains on them and his glasses had a screw lose on left side. There was this feeling of barely having it together that swallowed him whole. His stomach dropped as the world seemed to go a little less bright.
Why did he suddenly feel this empty?
Ryan turned to him, as if having sensed his departure from the here and now. His face was open, brimming with so much affection and oh how had he ever missed that? It didn't completely erase the sudden disconnect he felt, but it felt like a step towards the sunlight.
He nudges Ryan with his elbow and Ryan nudges him back and it's alright.
****
Shane mentions it to Ryan in passing, it's not a huge deal.
"Sometimes, I don't feel like anything's real- least of all ghosts."
Ryan picks up on it like one of his fucking EVPs and oh my god why did Shane say it out loud?
"Ghosts are real," Ryan mutters under his breath and Shane sees it for what it is.
He doesn't take the out though. His boyfriend of all people should know stuff about him. Shane's always talking so much but he can never quite say-
"I don't know why but I get really sad at times, and it's like everything's encased in glass."
They're at work, Shane has an empty edit file open in front of him and Ryan has a word document with a half written script. The open office plan doesn't give them much privacy, but Shane can't do this when they're completely alone. He knows that he won't be able to escape the questions when they're alone.
Ryan nods like he gets it and turns to the screen. Shane wishes he had taken the out.
He closes the empty edit and gets up to get some air in his noggin.
****
It's worse when the cameras turn off.
Reality seems to slip away from Shane as everyone else gets up after the wrap of the episode to grab a bite. He laughs blankly at a joke that Devlin makes because everyone else is laughing.
He stares at his phone screen blankly and let's himself marinate in his wangsting. Cases like these make him go a certain way. He can be funny about it but it's like a spark. He saves it for the cameras and his phone screen as he types a funny tweet.
Ryan is standing by the studio door, talking to an intern animatedly. His hair's lying soft and fluffy, like the down feathers of a baby bird. Shane wants to run his hands through it over and over until nothing makes sense.
"You look like an idiot!" Ryan's voice cuts through his keratin-based fantasies and he jumps a little.
Ryan's up grinning at him and it's bright. It's oh so bright.
Shane decides to go with the bit and continues to look at Ryan with his dopiest face possible. Ryan wheezes and takes a second to click a picture of it. Shane flips him the bird the second phone camera goes off.
Ryan scowls at the blurry picture. He isn't actually pissed, just irritated enough that Shane can poke at him endlessly. It never gets old.
"I hate you," Ryan says and Shane laughs.
"Love you too,"
Ryan pauses scrolling through his phone and looks up. His face is a perfect mix of annoyed and amused. It sets Shane off again.
****
They don't have too much of a work life balance.
It's the perk and bane of working in social media. The cameras are always rolling and it's this feeling of wanting to be your best, funniest.
At home Shane likes to turn the camera away from himself. He spends weekends making videos of his cat, recording nature sounds and occasionally taking photos of food for Instagram. He likes the idea that he can capture a moment forever and replay it for hours on end.
Contrary to popular belief, he and Ryan don't live together (yet) and so they have weekends where they don't spend every second together. It's fine. They're two adults who are capable of not spending every single day together.
He puts on a movie in the background, watching Obi try to catch a feathery string toy which he keeps pulling up out of his reach. The orange boy mraows at him and he gives the cat's fur a little ruffle.
He takes a picture of Obi pawing at him. It's cute, much like the actual cat himself. Smiling to himself, he sends it to Ryan.
It takes Ryan roughly less than a second to respond with a heart emoji. Shane is about to put his phone back down when he sees the three dots indicating that Ryan is typing again.
I miss Ur big head
Shane blinks before typing back-
miss you too strawberry shortcake
The nickname brings about a string of angry red emojis. Shane snorts as Ryan sends through another text.
U busy?
No
Shane hears a car pull up in the street facing his apartment. Obi paws at his arm making chirping noises.
"Ryan," he says to himself, "did you drive to my place?"
Sure enough, the doorbell rings after a few moments.
Shane opened the door to reveal Ryan in a tank top and shorts, holding up a packet of popcorn. The sight made the taller man feel like there were bubbles of champagne going down his arms. Ryan's smile was so big it split his face in half and Shane just had to kiss it off of him.
Ryan hummed into his mouth, soft and wet and Shane just knew that this was it. Ryan's arms surround him and that's all he needs. It's all he wants.
It was just one of the many moments he was certain of.
He's real, Ryan's real and everything around them is real.
(Except ghosts.)