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by the time the music stops, jeongguk is about ready to collapse, breathing hard when the last note finally ends and he doubles over, wiping at the sweat on his forehead. he’s always liked dancing, although adult dance groups are apparently much harder than anything in high school—or maybe it’s just the instructor. even as jeongguk heaves and tries to catch his breath, he can hear hoseok giving pointers to the rest of the group.
“that was better this time,” he’s saying. “taehyung, watch how far out you go on the second half or it’ll take too long for seokjin-hyung to get to you and then it’ll ruin the whole effect. jimin, you’re a second ahead of everyone on that first chorus.”
“fuck,” jimin sighs from beside jeongguk, sounding as out of breath as jeongguk feels. “everyone else is just a second behind.”
jeongguk snorts, straightening up. “don’t tell that to sergeant jung.”
hoseok continues dealing out constructive criticisms to the rest of the group—yoongi’s arm is too crooked during this move, namjoon doesn’t get up from the floor fast enough during another. although they’re all quite diligent, they all have things to work on, and even though they won’t be taking this to competition for another month, hoseok has them doing the choreography in their sleep. at first, jeongguk thought this would just be something fun to do on wednesday nights, but it turns out he was very, very wrong.
jeongguk snaps to attention as hoseok finally comes to him after doling out pointers for everyone else. jeongguk already knows what he needs to improve on, having some trouble with the timing after the first chorus of the song. but hoseok just pauses in front of him. “jeongguk-ah,” he says, hesitating when his eyes seem to get caught somewhere below jeongguk’s chin. jeongguk braces himself for it. “you’re… doing good.” and then he turns and heads back to the stereo, leaving jimin to chuckle after him.
“who is he, shang from mulan? you fight good,” says jimin, much to jeongguk’s vague embarrassment. he hopes the redness of his cheeks looks like physical exertion and not anything else as his eyes trail after hoseok; he’s sweaty, too, from dancing with the group, dark hair sticking to his forehead and ripped jean shorts making him look a little too effortlessly gorgeous. who wears jorts to a dance practice, anyway?
“i’m just better than you at dancing, obviously,” says jeongguk, trying to redirect the attention.
again, jimin snorts. “sure,” he says, reaching over and tugging the collar of jeongguk’s shirt toward his neck. “or he was just distracted by your collarbones.” jeongguk glances in the mirror, noting how sweaty he looks, too—although jimin might have a point. his shirt is thin enough to stick to his body, not to mention his fading pink hair is a mess. he would sooner claim hoseok was distracted by how bad he looks than how good he looks, but then he has to remind himself not to be self-deprecating.
the truth is that it’s not the first time hoseok has gone a little soft on him when he isn’t afraid to tear into the others. maybe it’s because jeongguk is the youngest, or because hoseok has been friends with some of the others for years and has achieved a level of comfort where he can tell namjoon he looks like a flapping chicken without risking him taking offense.
in any case—jeongguk fixes his shirt.
“let’s run it again,” calls hoseok, and jeongguk pushes all other thoughts out of his head, getting into position to begin dancing. this time, hoseok stays at the front of the group and dances with them, and jeongguk can’t help getting a little distracted watching him, even from behind; there’s something about the way hoseok moves that makes jeongguk want to watch him forever, to figure out how he works. even as jeongguk moves his body to the beat, limbs flying and body working through the movements, his eyes stay on hoseok, unable to tear his eyes away until—
jeongguk collides with someone else on the dance floor, shoulder jarring as he goes stumbling sideways and turns back to see he’s run into seokjin. “where are you going?” seokjin calls to him over the music as jimin bursts into laughter on the other side of the run. “you’re not even supposed to be on stage for this part!” jeongguk feels his face warm as he scurries to the side of the room, horrified to know that he got so lost in watching hoseok that he completely forgot his own steps.
then again—it wouldn’t be the first time that happened, either.
when the music stops again, jimin is back at his side and giggling. “what was that about you just being better at dancing than the rest of us?”
“shut up,” grumbles jeongguk, resolute about not getting distracted for the rest of the practice.
they finish with ease; although practices are long and hard, jeongguk likes a chance to get exercise in a fun way and he likes the rest of the group, too. as everyone is cooling down, stretching and packing up their things, jeongguk finds his eyes lingering on hoseok. they’ve been dancing around each other since jeongguk joined the dance group a few months ago—more than literally dancing. it’s clearly no secret that jeongguk gets a little flustered around hoseok and although trying his best to impress, ends up fumbling over himself when hoseok tells him he’s done a good job. every week for the past month, jimin has greeted him at the door to the dance studio with a, “have you let hobi-hyung show you his special moves yet?” to which jeongguk promptly goes to talk to yoongi and namjoon instead.
still, he approaches hoseok, water bottle clutched in his hand. “hey, hyung,” he says, and hoseok turns to look at him with a renewed brightness on his face. god, he looks really good when he’s out of breath and sweaty.
“gukkie!” beams hoseok, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “good job tonight. you’ve really improved a lot since you first joined us.”
“so you’re saying i was bad at the beginning?”
“oh, no,” says hoseok, eyes widening. “i wasn’t—”
“i know,” laughs jeongguk. “i was just teasing you. but, um—” he coughs. “thank you. that means a lot, considering you’re like… the best dancer i’ve ever had the pleasure of working with.”
“don’t let jimin hear you say that.”
“jimin-hyung knows i like you better than him,” says jeongguk, and then—he flushes, quickly averting his gaze from hoseok’s. it’s true, sure, but he doesn’t need to be so obvious about it.
but hoseok laughs, one of those delighted and loud laughs that jeongguk loves so much. during practice, hoseok is often serious and so focused that he seems intimidating, but the moment they’re talking about something else, it’s like the sun comes out. jeongguk wants to know what he’s like outside of this studio—what it’s like to make him laugh like that always, wants to know what other hobbies he has, if he’d be a good kisser.
jeongguk swallows that last thought.
“actually,” says hoseok, then, running a hand through his hair. “my neighbour is having this gettogether tonight—kind of a party, kind of a housewarming thing even though he’s lived there for like four months and has had two other housewarming parties, but like—” he laughs, bright and bright. jeongguk could drown in him. “what i’m saying is if you wanted to come, that would be cool. not that i don’t like my neighbour, but it would be a lot more bearable with… you.”
there’s something almost shy about the way he says it, so different from the way jeongguk always sees hoseok. but any moment of exhilaration or nervousness over being asked something like that is immediately crushed by reality, the single butterfly that managed to awaken within him turning to dust just like that.
“ah,” says jeongguk, frowning. “that’s really nice, and i would really, really like to go with you, but i can’t.” he feels terrible for more than one reason, although the worst is the way hoseok’s face falls for a second before he’s grinning again, covering it up. “i really would—”
“no, it’s okay,” says hoseok. “i know it’s hard because it’s a wednesday night and everything—”
“i’m just really busy and i’ve got—”
“but i’m sure he’ll have another housewarming party like, next week so—”
“not that i don’t want to go, obviously.” he finally stops talking, clearing his throat a little awkwardly. “yeah,” he says.
“yeah,” says hoseok. “well. get home safe, okay, guk-ah?”
“thanks, hyung,” says jeongguk. “have fun at the party.”
he’s quick to leave, not wanting hoseok to see how disappointed he is with not being able to go—and the truth is that he does want to go. he would go anywhere with hoseok in a heartbeat, and he might be able to swing it anyway if he pulled a few strings, but he knows it won’t work. it’s the same reason he hasn’t initiated anything with hoseok beyond flirting with him in dance practice and mooning over his dancing whenever he can. it’s the same reason he’s kept hoseok at arm’s length as much as possible—maybe it’s selfish. maybe jeongguk is assuming where he shouldn’t. but he’s had enough trouble in the past.
it’s a blessing and a curse—when he gets home, he opens the door to find the babysitter already heading toward the door with a high-pitched, “look who’s home!”
jeongguk pushes thoughts of hoseok and missed opportunities out of his mind as he closes the door behind him, gasping as he reaches out for the baby in the young woman’s arms. “hi, my little sunbeam,” he says, grabbing the baby as he reaches out for jeongguk in return. he’s already wearing his pajamas, and jeongguk knows the babysitter has bathed and fed him, just waiting for jeongguk to get home and actually put him to bed.
“he was really good today, oppa,” says the babysitter. “weren’t you, gyumie?” in his arms, the baby giggles, waving his little fists and almost punching jeongguk in the face. “yep, you only cried a little bit when i tried to bathe you, huh?” she reaches out and tickles him under the chin, making beomgyu giggle and hide his face in jeongguk’s shoulder. and jeongguk—his entire heart swells with love, rubbing a hand over the baby’s back before he turns his attention to the babysitter.
“no troubles with feeding, hm?” he asks.
“nope, he did really good,” she says. “i let him roll around on the floor while i did homework and he seemed pretty happy. i think he missed you, though.” from the way beomgyu is clinging to him, jeongguk would guess the same, although he’s happy to be home now.
“good,” says jeongguk. “let me find my wallet and then i’ll let you head home…” when the babysitter leaves, jeongguk lets out a sigh, bringing beomgyu into his bedroom and setting him down on the bed while the baby rolls around and tries to eat his feet. jeongguk can’t help giggling as he watches his son; he’s always enough to brighten jeongguk’s mood, no matter the situation. maybe he’s missed out on some things—or a lot of things—because of beomgyu, but he couldn’t imagine his life without the baby for the last eight months, and technically the nine before that.
jeongguk tries not to think about it—about dropping out of university to take care of beomgyu on his own, or not being able to take as much time for himself because he can’t leave beomgyu on his own. he tries not to think of the friends he’s lost or the ones he hasn’t been able to make in the first place because of it—and he certainly tries not to think of the problems he’s had in relationships in the past eight months. in truth, jeongguk hasn’t tried much for fear of rejection, but the few times he’s thought something could have worked out, he’s been proven wrong.
the thing is—no one wants to commit to a twenty-two-year-old single father with an eight-month-old baby. no one even wants to come over for a night because of beomgyu. and jeongguk can’t fault the baby for that, but it’s frustrating.
so he wishes he could go to hoseok’s neighbour’s housewarming party. he wishes he could invite hoseok over here for a movie, or go out for dinner. but the truth is that jeongguk is too afraid to find out that hoseok is just like every other person jeongguk has been interested in, who finds every excuse to run the other way as soon as they find out about the baby. jeongguk hasn’t even told hoseok about beomgyu for that reason—or anyone else in the dance group, for that matter.
“it’s easier this way, huh, starshine?” he asks, as he leans over the bed, peppering beomgyu’s chubby cheeks with kisses as the baby squeals at him. “we don’t need anyone else, do we? just you and me. that’s all we need.” at least—that’s what he’s trying to believe, and when beomgyu laughs like that, looks at him like that—it’s possible, if only for a little while.
three weeks later, jeongguk is getting ready to leave for dance practice and watching himself in the mirror—his hair has faded to a lighter peach colour now, and although he kind of just let it go on accident, he kind of likes it—when he gets a call from his usual babysitter. with dread already filling him, he picks up to hear her panicked voice. “jeongguk-oppa, i’m so sorry!” she gasps. “i totally forgot that my parents need me to go to this event thing tonight and i tried to get out of it but i can’t, so i can’t take care of beomgyu tonight. i’m really, really so—”
“it’s okay,” says jeongguk immediately. “it’s understandable.”
“i’ll make it up to you, i promise,” she says. “i can give you the number for a friend of mine who might be able to come over and look after him instead?”
jeongguk glances at the time. he’s supposed to leave in less than ten minutes, and it would take far too long to find a new babysitter in that time, even if it was someone with a recommendation. jeongguk doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his baby with someone he doesn’t already trust anyway. “don’t worry about it,” he says, trying to keep his voice even. “i’m sorry to hear you can’t make it, but it’s okay. please enjoy your event!”
when he hangs up, after she apologizes a few more times, jeongguk stares down at where beomgyu is chewing on a toy in the middle of the living room. his babysitter bailing on him isn’t the worst thing to happen, and he could just stay here, but—they’re supposed to be heading to a showcase with their dances next week, and jeongguk can’t possibly miss this dance practice. hoseok would have his head, not to mention everyone else. but he also doesn’t have a babysitter for beomgyu, and he can’t leave beomgyu on his own.
jeongguk closes his eyes, panic rising in his throat like bile when he realizes there’s only one option: he has to bring beomgyu with him to dance practice.
under normal circumstances, jeongguk could spend a good deal of time panicking about the very thought of doing something like that, but he doesn’t have time. instead, he turns into a whirlwind as he hurries around the apartment to get beomgyu ready to leave the house, packing a diaper bag, changing the baby’s clothes, and strapping him to his chest before he’s racing out of the house already five minutes late. jeongguk is all sorts of flustered as he heads for the dance studio, time on the bus giving him an opportunity to finally panic about what it means. this means everyone will know about beomgyu, something that he’s been careful to keep under wraps. he’s dodged a lot of bullets asking about his life or trying to get him to go out on weekends, although he’s sure most of the group just thinks he’s unsocial.
but worst of all—hoseok will know he has a baby. he’d hoped to have a proper conversation about that once he finally worked up the courage to ask hoseok out. he’d planned it all: they would go out for dinner and then during dessert, when both of them were thinking about whether they would end up staying the night at the other’s place, he would bring up the fact that he has a baby. he’d do it gently so not to scare hoseok away, hoping that hoseok would be understanding.
instead, he has this: the bus taking too long and leaving jeongguk a good seven minutes late to practice, hurrying down the street with beomgyu strapped to his chest and giggling madly, and bursting into the dance studio with a flustered, “oh my god, i’m so sorry i’m late!” he comes to a stop as everyone turns to look at him, the music cutting out. in the heavy silence that follows, all eyes staring at him, beomgyu wiggles his legs and lets out a loud giggle.
it’s taehyung who breaks the silence first, voice an octave higher than normal when he says, “oh my god, is that a baby?” he’s already halfway across the room before he finishes, jimin joining him as they approach jeongguk and bend down to look at beomgyu. jeongguk places a protective hand against the front of baby, cheeks pink as he nods.
“yeah,” he says nervously. “yeah, um—this is my baby.”
“you have a baby?” jimin gasps. “and you didn’t tell us? you willingly deprived me of baby time? you could have brought him like, three months ago, and you just made the conscious decision not to do that every week?”
jeongguk’s laugh is a little awkward, but jimin isn’t paying attention to him anymore. both he and taehyung are cooing at beomgyu instead, grabbing his little fists and wiggling them back and forth as the rest of the group joins them, too.
“his name is beomgyu,” says jeongguk, and he’s so, so nervous, but—part of it melts away as he sees how they react to the baby. namjoon joins in on trying to get beomgyu’s attention, while seokjin starts scolding them for overwhelming him while yoongi scolds him for scolding them. no one appears to react negatively, although he can’t be sure none of them are secretly judging him for all of this.
it’s overwhelming for him even though beomgyu is taking it in stride, giggling and gurgling at the faces crowded around him. it’s a good overwhelming, though, because he has thought about how nice it would be to bring beomgyu for the group to see once he realized he liked all of them so much and wanted to be friends with them. introducing them to this most integral part of his life is a big deal, and he almost wants to cry at the fact that they’re not running away, although—
when he looks up, he sees hoseok standing off to the side and watching him. jeongguk swallows tightly, trying to decipher any negative emotions in hoseok’s face. he looks more amused than anything, although jeongguk feels compelled to say, “sorry, hyung. i usually get a babysitter but she bailed at the last minute and i couldn’t get another one and i know it’s probably super not cool to bring a baby to practice, especially without telling you before but—”
“what are you talking about?” asks hoseok, finally joining them. he reaches out and squeezes the back of jeongguk’s neck in comfort. “there’s nothing wrong with it. obviously you couldn’t help it.” when he smiles, it’s one meant to calm jeongguk down, and jeongguk lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes that hoseok isn’t upset with him—on the dancer and dance instructor front, that’s great.
but on the i like you a lot and want to hold your hand all the time and kiss your nose and oh, by the way, i have a baby, it’s a totally different story.
after the initial excitement of having a baby in their vicinity, and after jeongguk answers a handful of questions (most of which are just namjoon repeating, you have a baby? but… you’re baby), hoseok finally wrangles them up to continue practicing. he promises to keep the music quieter than normal for beomgyu and they make a make-shift play pen for him with jackets and shoes. beomgyu ends up sitting in a pile of jackets near the front, playing with some of the toys jeongguk thankfully thought to bring, and although he knows his baby is safe up there, jeongguk can’t help watching him every three seconds as though he thinks beomgyu is going to crawl away and out of the door within those three seconds.
he’s not the only one, though.
“oh my god, he’s just so cute,” says jimin when they’re already in their staring positions. “look at him over there! he has the biggest eyes ever.”
“please pay attention to your dancing,” says hoseok. “pretend he’s one of the judges at the competition.”
“he’s very easy to please,” says jeongguk, grinning as he watches his son. “we’ll easily win.”
then hoseok starts the music, and jeongguk does his best to dance and not look at his baby all the time. beomgyu doesn’t seem terribly interested in what everyone is doing, anyway, too busy trying to fit someone’s shoe into his tiny mouth, and it’s not hard to focus on his dancing. every time someone is meant to be off stage, they practically run to that little bundle of coats anyway, tickling beomgyu and trying to get his attention for the few seconds before they have to run back on stage, and jeongguk finds himself relaxing as time goes on. suddenly, he’s not sure why he was so afraid to tell all of them that he had a baby in the first place, or why he didn’t offer to bring beomgyu before.
and then beomgyu starts getting fussy. he keeps trying to crawl out of his little cocoon, risking getting stepped on by someone, but he’s heading straight for jeongguk every time, and the first few times, jeongguk manages to scoop him up before someone steps on his hand and give him a few pats on the bum and a kiss on the cheek before depositing him back in the nest of jackets—only for beomgyu to crawl back out as soon as jeongguk leaves him, his big eyes watching jeongguk with a pout on his lips.
he’s got a short attention span, that’s for sure. jeongguk knew he would get tired of his toys, but the fourth time beomgyu tries to crawl away and lets out a little hiccup that threatens to turn into a full-blown temper tantrum, jeongguk feels the guilt set in.
“sorry, sorry,” he sighs, out of breath as the music stops and he stoops down to pick up the baby. he plants a wet kiss on beomgyu’s cheek. “what’s up, buttercup? you wanna dance with daddy, too?” beomgyu gives a little cry, clearly not happy with the current arrangement, and jeongguk casts a somewhat desperate look at the others. “sorry, i think—is it okay if i take a break? i don’t think he’ll be happy on his own.” it’s not ideal; there are still a few kinks in the dance to work out, and it’s not the same if one of their members is sitting out.
it’s hoseok who says, “i’ll take him,” and then walks across the studio to reach for beomgyu. “you should keep dancing, but if he just wants someone to hold him and stuff, i can do it. he can be our little cheerleader.” jeongguk is taken aback enough that he doesn’t even protest to hoseok taking beomgyu out of his arms, tucking the baby into his side and giving him a big smile. “right, gyumie? you wanna dance with hobi-hyung?”
if jeongguk was in an anime, he’d have a nosebleed.
“a-are you sure?” he asks. “you don’t have to, hyung! i don’t want him to be burden.”
“please, jeongguk,” says hoseok, grinning at him now, and jeongguk notes that beomgyu seems perfectly happy in his arms, anyway, already calming down from his fussy episode. “i love babies, anyway. and it would be my pleasure to help you out. hold on, let me find that thing you were using to carry him when you got here…” with that, he turns and wanders back to the front of the room, leaving jeongguk staring after him with something throbbing in his chest.
beside him, yoongi pats him on the cheek. “please try to pay attention to the dance,” he says. “i don’t think gay panic is a viable excuse for running into people on stage.” jeongguk’s cheeks promptly redden, and he’s about to protest when he looks over and sees the rest of the group laughing at him. he can’t help that seeing his baby in the arms of the man he’s been hopelessly crushing on for three months is doing something to his heart, although he’s not sure they’ll do anything but tease him about it.
by the time he turns back to the front, hoseok is wearing the baby carrier with beomgyu strapped to his chest, little arms and legs wiggling where they stick out. jeongguk swallows tightly, feeling his mouth go dry as hoseok smiles at him, and—oh god. he was worried about hoseok having a reaction to jeongguk having a baby, but he didn’t anticipate that he would have a reaction to hoseok with the baby. to hoseok looking so natural with the baby, like beomgyu is just meant to be in his arms.
there’s a sudden clap on his back, and he turns to see yoongi has returned. “close your mouth, guk-ah,” he says. “you’ll catch a fly.”
from then on, it’s nearly impossible to concentrate. once the music starts, jeongguk tries to do his dancing, but he can’t stop staring at hoseok with beomgyu—because hoseok doesn’t just stand there, but he dances around with beomgyu on his chest, wiggling back and forth as beomgyu begins to giggle madly, clearly pleased with the change in pace. as the group dances, hoseok even makes beomgyu do the dances as well, holding onto his little fists and manipulating his arms to mimic what jeongguk and the others are doing. every time they finish a run through, hoseok will wave beomgyu’s fists with a tiny yaaay and then give encouragements and critiques in a high-pitched voice as though beomgyu is the one saying them.
he really does look like a natural up there, making beomgyu dance and petting his head. in the midst of one song, jeongguk swears he sees hoseok lean over and kiss the top of beomgyu’s head, and jeongguk almost does a faceplant in the middle of a turn. it’s really, really not good for his heart.
what’s worse is that beomgyu loves it—loves hoseok, craning his head to look up at hoseok sometimes or flapping his arms and legs excitedly when hoseok spins them around. he’s holding onto hoseok’s fingers for dear life, giggling every time there’s a bit of silence, and it’s just. jeongguk has been so afraid of letting people in for fear of rejection, but now he’s seen what he’s been missing all along. for so long, it’s been just he and beomgyu against the world, but maybe it doesn’t have to be like that.
after the third time that jeongguk misses a cue because he’s too busy watching hoseok and beomgyu, one of the others suggests that they take a short break. jeongguk is all too happy for that, grabbing a water bottle and immediately leaving the room to pace around the entrance as though not actually seeing them is going to make a difference. if anything, that just makes it worse—because then jeongguk’s imagination decides to provide him with all other sorts of situations with hoseok and beomgyu, like going on a picnic or hoseok helping beomgyu walk or cuddling while watching some children’s movie or beomgyu saying hoseok’s name for the first time and—
“hey.” jeongguk turns around to see jimin approaching him, a wide smirk on his lips. “how are things?”
“please shut up,” groans jeongguk, covering his face. “my heart is about to combust at all times. i don’t know how much longer i can take it.”
“for what it’s worth,” says jimin, squeezing his shoulder, “if hyung didn’t already know you’re completely in love with him, there’s no way he doesn’t now. i didn’t really understand what heart eyes were until this dance practice.”
jeongguk groans again. “let me perish.”
“i can’t wait to tell this story at your wedding.”
he steels himself before he goes back into the practice room, certain he’ll be able to handle this for the second time. when he walks inside, though, hoseok has taken beomgyu out of the carrier and is holding him above his face, instead, making faces and little sound effects at him as beomgyu giggles and pats hoseok’s face, and. jimin has to physically grab onto jeonogguk to keep him from walking out of the room and throwing himself into oncoming traffic instead.
somehow, he manages to get through the rest of practice with hoseok dancing with beomgyu, lighting up every time beomgyu giggles at him, and generally being much nicer than he normally is when it comes to practice. when they finally stop and everyone begins packing up, seokjin says, “jeongguk-ah, you should bring the little meatball every practice. i think this is the first time hoseok hasn’t yelled at me about my elbows.”
everyone lingers a little longer than usual to play with beomgyu or to ask jeongguk questions about him. jeongguk is pleasantly surprised to find that the whole thing went rather well, save for his immediate and debilitating gay panic over seeing hoseok with his son. in any case, he doddles with cleaning things up, waiting until everyone else has left and it’s just he and hoseok before he gathers the courage to say something.
hoseok is sitting against the mirrors with beomgyu in his lap, baby-talking him as beomgyu plays with his shirt. for a minute, jeongguk just watches them and tries not to imagine what could become of this—because he does like hoseok. he likes him so much, but having a baby is a gigantic obstacle to overcome for relationships at his age, he knows. no matter how cute hoseok is with the baby, that doesn’t mean anything.
finally, jeongguk joins them, grinning as he sits down across with hoseok with their knees touching. it’s quieter now without the other five to demand the baby’s attention, and when they meet eyes, there’s something soft in it.
“thanks for taking care of him,” says jeongguk, reaching over to smooth his hand over beomgyu’s head. “he can be a little needy sometimes.”
“he’s adorable,” says hoseok. “i had lots of fun, so don’t worry about it.”
“i’m still really sorry for bringing him. i didn’t want to disrupt everything, but i really didn’t have another option.”
“hey,” says hoseok, placing his hand on top of jeongguk’s on beomgyu’s head. “you don’t have to apologize. i imagine you have a lot of trouble with figuring out how to care for this little guy while trying to live your life, so don’t ever be sorry about doing what you have to. and on that note, if you want or have to bring him in future weeks, go right ahead. i think everyone kind of fell in love with him so they might be sad if you don’t bring him.”
jeongguk laughs, but he pulls his knees into his chest and sets his chin on top, sighing a little. “it’s not so bad,” he says, watching the back of beomgyu’s head. “i really love him. like… you don’t know how much you can love a person until you have a baby. but i’m young and i have to take care of him myself and beyond like, financial stuff and not always knowing what i’m doing—i’m always scared of how people are going to react.” he shrugs, not wanting to be upset about it, but hoseok doesn’t try to steer the conversation in a different direction. “that’s why i’ve never mentioned him before to you guys. i trust you and i know you all like me, but it wouldn’t be the first time someone i really like has ditched me because of beomgyu.”
“that’s just silly,” says hoseok quietly. “having a baby doesn’t change who you are, fundamentally.”
“i can’t blame them, though,” laughs jeongguk. “if i didn’t have a baby but someone i was interested in did, i’m not sure i would want to be with them, either. it’s a whole other level of commitment that you have to sign up for. not to mention—well. as i’m sure you’ve noticed, i can’t be all that social because i have to worry about him.”
“oh,” says hoseok suddenly. “is that why you couldn’t come to that housewarming party a few weeks ago?”
jeongguk meets his eye, flushing. “yeah,” he says. “i don’t mind it, you know. i really love being with beomgyu and taking care of him, but i would be lying if i said it didn’t make a lot of other things difficult.”
he watches as the baby plays with hoseok’s shirt, too enthralled with that to notice what else is going on around him. and how can jeongguk blame him for any of it? he’s just a baby—he needs jeongguk. and jeongguk is more than happy to provide however he can, even if it means losing some opportunities for himself. his life is no longer just about himself—that’s what being a father has taught jeongguk, among other things.
“well,” says hoseok. “i was serious when i said you can always bring him if you want. and it doesn’t look like any of us are going to ditch you because of beomgyu, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
jeongguk grins. “thanks, hyung,” he says. “it means a lot. it would be nice to have actual friends for once.” as much as he likes to blame his lack of social life on other people not wanting to hang out with a baby, he has to admit that he’s been reluctant to try anything in the first place as a way to protect himself. but maybe being forced to admit he has a baby to his dance group will have been a good thing.
“jeongguk,” says hoseok, looking at him so intently that it’s almost scary. “i like you for you. having a baby doesn’t change that, and it never will. you can still get lots of those opportunities. i mean… we’ll be your support system. you don’t have to do this alone.”
all at once, jeongguk feels tears pricking the backs of his eyes. he doesn’t want to get emotional about this, but—it’s probably the first time he’s ever really heard that. he hasn’t had much of a support system, cutting himself off in hopes of protecting himself, but to hear hoseok say that so earnestly makes him want to cry. it’s just been so hard, no matter how much he loves beomgyu.
“oh god,” he says, hanging his head and quickly wiping at his eyes when tears begin to pool in them. “sorry, that’s—so embarrassing. i didn’t mean to cry.” he laughs, trying to cover up how emotional he’s gotten, but then he feels hoseok’s hand on his head, stroking his hair, and there’s no point in trying to stop himself from crying.
“it’s okay,” says hoseok. “you can cry if you want. i imagine… it’s been hard.”
“god,” says jeongguk, lifting his head as he wipes at his tears. “you don’t even know. it was scary enough when—when beomgyu’s mom got pregnant and we were so young and didn’t know what we were doing, but then she just… she wasn’t ready to be a mother. and i understand that, and i know it was hard on her, but then she just left and i was so scared that i was going to ruin beomgyu’s life before it even started.” he sniffs, watching as that seems to catch his son’s attention and beomgyu tries to twist around, awkwardly clambering in hoseok’s lap before he looks up at jeongguk with those big eyes.
“i think i’ve done okay,” says jeongguk, a few more tears slipping out. “i do what i can, you know? but i’m always worried that it’s not enough. he should have a mom, or another dad, or i should give him to a more capable couple. but… i love him so much. i just want him to be happy and grow up safe and healthy and i’ve been trying to do it alone but that’s so hard. i don’t know how to let people help me.” he frowns at beomgyu, thinking of all the nights he’s fallen asleep crying because of how hard it is—and how fucking tired he is all of the time. but all it takes is beomgyu laughing at him for jeongguk to remember why he never gives up.
now beomgyu reaches for him and jeongguk laughs, leaning over until their faces are inches apart. beomgyu pats at jeongguk’s face, right where his tears are, and jeongguk mumbles a, “thank you, gyumie.”
“he really loves you,” says hoseok quietly. “i can tell that much. and i think you’re doing great, jeongguk.” jeongguk lifts his head again, looking at hoseok—who seems to have misty eyes himself. “i mean, i haven’t seen much but the way you look at him and talk about him… it’s clear that he means the world to you. and for what it’s worth, i don’t think any parent knows what they’re doing. you just feel worse because you haven’t let yourself be open to anyone else.”
“i’ve tried going to some of those parent group things,” he admits with a laugh. “but i always leave feeling like shit because everyone else seems to have their life together. i mean, i have half of a degree and sometimes i put beomgyu’s shoes on the wrong feet. it’s a far cry from being parent of the year.”
hoseok laughs, and the sound makes beomgyu giggle too. jeongguk grins down at his baby, stroking his cheek. this is the reminder for why he does what he does, no matter how much he’s struggling—it’s always going to be about this little bundle of moonlight. “you’re still learning,” says hoseok. “but you don’t have to be alone, right? you have us now. i mean… you have me.” the way he says it almost sounds shy, and jeongguk looks up in time to see hoseok’s cheeks colouring just a little. so it’s no secret that there has been something going on between the two of them since they met, but jeongguk had just assumed that hoseok would want to run the other way upon finding out jeongguk has a baby.
but maybe he’s wrong.
“yeah?” asks jeongguk, trying to keep himself from sounding too hopeful. “i wouldn’t mind help once in a while. even just… having someone to talk to would be nice.”
“of course,” says hoseok. “jeongguk, you’re an amazing person, and now i see you’re even more amazing than i thought because you’re raising a baby all on your own. i know we haven’t known each other for that long, but if you ever need someone to come over and take care of beomgyu while you have other things to do, or if you want to hang out, or just… i dunno, talk on the phone? i’m always there.”
jeongguk takes a breath, and when he exhales, he feels months and months of weight lift off of him. maybe hoseok will change his mind in months to come, when he sees just how much work it is to take care of a baby, but he’s one of the most genuine and caring people jeongguk has ever met. if anything, beomgyu can learn a lot from him.
“that would be cool,” breathes jeongguk, wiping the last of his tears from his eyes. beyond having a gigantic gay crush on hoseok, it’ll be nice to have a real friend who sticks around.
beomgyu gives a little squealing noise, flopping back against hoseok’s chest, and jeongguk finds himself giggling. “would you like that, gyumie?” he asks, reaching out to tickle the baby’s tummy. “you wanna hang out with daddy’s hoseokie-hyung sometimes? i bet he’d be really good at telling bedtime stories.”
“i am, thank you very much,” agrees hoseok with a laugh. “i’m very good at doing different voices.”
beomgyu keeps giggling, kicking his feet as hoseok reaches out for his little fists and beomgyu instantly latches on, looking for all intents and purposes as though this is his actual paradise. and that’s all that matters, jeongguk thinks—as long as beomgyu is happy, jeongguk is happy, too.
“i really owe you,” says jeongguk after a minute of playing with beomgyu. “for letting me bring him and taking care of him during the class and for just… being really cool about all of this.”
hoseok looks at him with something bright in his eyes. “it was really my pleasure,” he says. “beomgyu is probably the cutest baby i’ve ever seen. he must get it from you.”
jeongguk blushes, quickly picking himself up from the floor rather than answer that. he’s just come to terms with hoseok wanting to be his friend despite having a baby, so he’s not yet thought any further than that. “he might be cute, but he’s gonna be grumpy if i don’t get him to bed soon,” he says. “he’s probably had enough excitement for the week.”
hoseok stands with him, still holding onto beomgyu, and after jeongguk has packed up most of his things, he reaches out for the baby only for beomgyu to turn into hoseok’s chest instead. jeongguk frowns. “gyumie,” he says. “we have to go home now. you have to let go of hoseokie-hyung.”
for what it’s worth, hoseok tries to give him back—holding beomgyu out to him as jeongguk takes hold of him, but beomgyu refuses to let go of hoseok’s finger, holding it with a death grip and making fussing noises when hoseok tries to pull away. hoseok makes a chuckling noise, stepping closer to the pair when beomgyu won’t let go of his finger, and jeongguk holds his breath when he realizes how close they are.
“sorry,” breathes jeongguk. “he gets clingy sometimes.”
“it’s okay,” says hoseok, trying to pry his finger away from beomgyu. “you have to go home with your daddy, gyumie! we can see each other next week, okay?” beomgyu lets out a shrill shriek in response, clearly not pleased with the turn of events, and jeongguk bounces him a few times to shush him. he does get grumpy when he doesn’t go to sleep on time, so it might be past his bedtime.
“i’m so sorry, hyung,” says jeongguk. “maybe if you just pull away and i run, he’ll get over it.”
but hoseok doesn’t move. instead, he watches jeongguk, and jeongguk finds himself watching hoseok right back, feeling like something is about to happen. and then hoseok says, “maybe you can owe me now? i mean, if beomgyu doesn’t want me to go, then… i probably shouldn’t.”
jeongguk’s breath hitches in his throat, trying to decipher exactly what hoseok means. “what are you thinking?” he asks quietly.
hoseok grins. “do you wanna get ice cream or something?”
and how is jeongguk supposed to turn that down?
so they get ice cream. they crowd into the same side of the booth with beomgyu sitting on the table in front of them and munching on some of the snacks jeongguk brought with them. this time, it’s nicer—they talk about dance, about personal things, about beomgyu. somehow, it always circles back to beomgyu. and jeongguk sees for the first time that the baby doesn’t have to be an obstacle to overcome but an aid in the journey, as hoseok plays with beomgyu’s feet and makes sound effects to hear beomgyu giggling. jeongguk looks at them together and thinks—he’s found it.
this is it. this is what he wants his family to look like.
maybe it’s presumptuous—maybe it’s jumping the gun. this might not even be their first date. maybe hoseok just wanted to get ice cream and realized he couldn’t go without beomgyu getting upset. but maybe it feels like something more, something bigger.
and maybe, when they’re leaving and beomgyu is sleepy in jeongguk’s arms, clinging to the collar of his shirt and halfway asleep, jeongguk stops just outside of the ice cream parlour. he can’t help grinning at hoseok, and feels all of this love that he can’t set down. “thank you,” he says again. “for everything. i always thought… well.” he laughs, shaking his head. “i’ve always been scared to let people in because of beomgyu, but you’ve proven me wrong. and i’m really grateful for that and maybe we could… do this again sometime?” his voice goes a little raspy at the end, hopeful as his heart clenches in his chest. “i mean, with or without the baby. whatever you want.”
hoseok just looks at him for a long second, long enough that jeongguk begins to wonder if he said something wrong. and then hoseok says, “you have—ice cream on your…” he points in the direction of jeongguk’s mouth, and jeongguk flushes, quickly wiping at his lips in hopes of getting the sticky remnants off.
“did i get it?” he asks.
hoseok laughs. says, “no,” and then he leans in, closer and closer until jeongguk realizes what he’s doing, and he closes his eyes the moment before hoseok’s lips touch his. it’s soft and gentle, just a careful press of his lips to jeongguk’s, and jeongguk makes a soft noise in the back of his throat before he remembers to press back—and then hoseok is pulling away, all too soon, cheeks as pink as jeongguk’s feel.
they stare at each other. and then jeongguk lets out a breathy laugh, reaching out to grab hoseok’s shirt and tug him back while saying, “i don’t think you got it either.”
(four months later, jeongguk scoops beomgyu up from his high chair, breakfast still all over the little tray and his face—and the floor for that matter—and heads for the door where hoseok is busy pulling on his shoes. it’s always a little hard to see him go, even if he’s just going to work—and jeongguk knows he’ll be coming back at some point. they don’t live together, although they technically live together. they both pretend it’s because beomgyu cries whenever hoseok tries to go back to his own apartment.
“do you want me to pick up something for dinner after my last lesson?” hoseok asks, pulling on his coat. “i noticed you have absolutely nothing in your fridge but baby food.”
“i dunno, that carrot mush isn’t that bad,” grins jeongguk, to which hoseok rolls his eyes affectionately. “but yeah, that would be great. jimin-hyung and taehyungie-hyung might come over tonight, too. apparently they’re dying of beomgyu-deprivation.”
“they just need to get their own baby,” says hoseok, “before they steal ours.”
jeongguk can’t help the way his chest swells at that—the way hoseok says ours. because beomgyu is theirs. he’s stopped trying to deny his own feelings, his own desires. hoseok has taught him that he doesn’t have to be afraid anymore.
“okay, i have to run,” sighs hoseok, finally packed and ready to go.
jeongguk hoists beomgyu up a little more. “say bye to papa,” he says, giggling as beomgyu lets out a tiny bye as hoseok leans down and kisses him on the cheek.
“goodbye, baby number one,” says hoseok, and then leans up with a warm grin and plants a kiss on jeongguk’s lips. “goodbye, baby number two.”
“why am i baby number two?” pouts jeongguk, but hoseok is already turning and opening the door, laughing at him. “hyung! why am i baby number two?” beomgyu lets out a loud shriek that sounds suspiciously like baby, and hoseok pauses on the other side of the doorframe, door still open.
“he’s needier than you,” says hoseok.
“go to work, jung hoseok.”
“i love you,” hoseok sings, and even though it’s hardly the first time jeongguk has heard it, he still blushes. the door closes to beomgyu waving at hoseok, and jeongguk stands there for a second, stupid little grin on his lips.
it lasts for a few seconds before beomgyu kicks his legs, babbling to get jeongguk’s attention and jeongguk remembers he hasn’t finished feeding the baby. there’s no time to dawdle, no time to worry about what might go wrong—because nothing will. jeongguk likes his life just like this, cooing at his baby and knowing that hoseok will be coming back soon. he’ll be coming home.)