Work Text:
“Fred”, said Ginny, on one of the first days after summer had started. Fred looked to her. She had a piece of parchment in her hand. Fred could see the indentation of a seal on the top indicating that it was a letter. Ginny continued to read.
“Hope all your family are well, your parents specifically. Please thank your mother once again for the lovely basket she sent on the occasion of my sister’s wedding. I was intrigued to hear about your brothers’ new inventions, fireworks and get out of class free cards in the form of bloody noses and uncontrollable sweating, but please inform them that if they persist on adding spearmint sprigs to everything that it will counteract with the loosening agents after prolonged use, and as a nice, respectable, law abiding citizen who believes in what is right I will be forced to gather all the disgruntled delinquents together to get their money back, even if it comes to Freddie dear having to sell his classic issues of Witch Weekly. That issue with the frizz defying charms was never printed again. I know your brother relies on this, but it would be for the greater good.
Tada,
Millicent
Fred’s jaw clenched tight. “Is she right?” George asked him. Fred nodded then stood.
“Well, you can tell Bulstrode that the spearmint was only temporary, and that we’re working on a solution. And that she can keep her nose out of our cauldron.”
Ginny laughed and tossed him a bit of parchment.
“You can tell her yourself.”
Ms. Bulstrode,
Why your concern is touching, it is completely unnecessary. My associate and I are already on the trail of that particular problem. Hope your summer has been well. Though I'm sure lazying about your mansion whilst being fanned by toga wearing house elves with palm fronds is most taxing. Though I suppose I shouldn’t make light of your trials. Red grapes or green? New pearl curtains for the sunroom or eggshell? Do I add to my list of all the ways in which I could possibly anny only one very handsome ginger or wait until after I have finished my tea?
Still, if you have the time could you also check on a few of our newest products? Every color wizbee but the green lasts the appropriate amount of time. Perhaps you can sort the reason? I firmly believe it's simply prejudiced against all the maroon in our home. George, however, thought you might offer a second opinion.
Also, please never call me Freddie again.
Regards,
Mr. Weasley
Mr. Weasley,
I hate to be the one to inform you of this, but you are colossal idiot. If your taste in clothes hair color and jokes is anything to go by your business is a failure. Luckily, do you have me. And of course George, who by all accounts is turning out to be the smart twin. Had he not have been there, you wouldn’t be in St. Mungo’s right now, but pieces of your corpse would be littered throughout your ancestral home. And to be honest, I quite like the Burrow without your atoms decorating its interior.
I hope that you do not take offense to this statement, but someone had to let you know the thick of it. If you insist on adding lacewing flies to an already volatile concoction of murtlap essence and pomegranate you are going to die a gruesome death. Do everyone a favor and replace it with oil from a Maple tree in the light of the first moon.
This was the advice in my first letter. If you had waited for my reply perhaps I wouldn’t have received a frantic letter from your sister explaining that you had been sent to hospital. Needless to say, I had the red grapes that day. Green is horrible for the digestion.
Please refrain from killing yourself or all of these letters will have been for naught
Millicent
Oh Mil,
It sounds as if you were worried about me. I'm flattered. But once again your concern is unwarranted. George is a bit of a drama queen, but I had everything under control. Sure adding the lacewings was a bit of an oversight, but I have corrected my mistake and the potion now works perfectly. It's no nosebleed nougat, but it is something that we are proud of. In the package you will find the first of your... samples let's call them. Please free to test them alongside us as you are now considered a member of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Or at least a silent, hopefully, silent partner. Please let my associate and I know if you accept our offer.
PS. I know you only call me an idiot out of love.
Fred.
Mr. Weasley, I accept your offer to be a silent partner in this possibly doomed venture.
P.S.
I was not worried about you at all. I was only concerned about the list of new jokes that would never get to utter at hour expense if something happened to you.
Millicent,
I knew you wrote about me in your diary.
Fred
WEASLEY
You will pay for that jab. In person. The good, well decent twin has asked me to stop by and check out some new product. I’ve also been informed that your dragon taming brother is back in town. Wonderful. Surely my family can stand the shame of my marrying a Weasley if I have a chance of being burned alive immediately after.
Millicent.
Mr. Charlie Weasley,
We are sorry to inform you that your portkey scheduled to leave Romania on the twenty fourth of July has been canceled. An unexpected disruption in the atrium of England’s Ministry of Magic has placed all new portkeys on temporary hold. We will reschedule when the last of the fireworks stops lighting things on fire.
Sincerely,
Oak Garret
Correspondent for the Minister
Transportation Services