Archive of Our Own ^beta

There are quicker ways to get where I was going - transporter for one, a shuttle for another. The rapid transport system for a third. But there was no way more beautiful than by ferry. That's right - slow, old fashioned, tourist attraction ferry, straight up the harbour past the ancient sails and underneath the bridge.

For someone whose entire extended family was tied up in space exploration, I was a bit of an aberration. I had always loved the water. A boat, a ship, anything that floated was a source of endless fascination to me as a child, and still was. Add to that a fascination with anything that sank, swam, or tried to, and you have one serious marine biologist.

That was why I'd made the decision. And that was why I was traveling up the harbour. Because I didn't know how to tell one particular person what it was I was going to do with my life.

The ferry was still a few hundred meters away from the dock when I recognised her. Still in her Starfleet uniform, I guessed she had only been off-duty long enough to get my message and come down to meet me. It had been so long since I'd seen her, but I'd know that stance anywhere. Arms crossed, leaning against a pole, one ankle crossed over the other.

If that wasn't Kit, I'd be astonished.

It was, but as the boat docked, I was astonished anyway. I hadn't really expected her to have aged so much; Kit and the age 50 just don't go together in my mind. There were grey streaks through her hair - not overly noticeable from a distance, but close up, they were there. She'd never been one for artifice or disguise, and I couldn't imagine her ever dying her hair.

'What are you doing here?' were her first words as I got off the ferry.

'It's great to see you, too, Kit,' I said, hugging her.

'Oh, of course, dear, but it's such a surprise. Does your father know you're out here?'

'Do you think I could travel all this way without him knowing? I still live at home, you know.'

Arms around each other's waists, we left the dock and headed up the hill to her apartment building.

'Don't think I'm not excited about this visit, Denver,' Kit said. 'I haven't seen you in such a long time. But it's not like you to turn up unexpectedly.'

'I need your help, Aunt Kit. I've made some decisions, but I don't know how to tell everyone. They're going to be disappointed.'

'So why come to me and not Naomi?' I stared at her. 'Don't look at me like that - I know you usually go to Naomi for advice. And why not? She's far closer to your age, she's more likely than Lana or me to understand whatever you're worried about.'

'Because Naomi is going to be as disappointed as everyone else. I really think you're the only one who would understand. At least at first. Everyone will come around eventually.'

'If you know that, why are you so worried?'

I didn't answer. We'd reached her apartment and she showed me in. The view was magnificent - straight back up the harbour in the direction I'd come, a beautiful landscape of water and boats and the buildings of the city.

'Coffee, Dee?'

'Absolutely.'

'Put your bags in that room just there.'

'Kit! This isn't your room, is it?'

'Of course it isn't. You're not that special a guest.'

'But it's got such a lovely view!' It was the same view as the one from the living room.

'That's as may be, but come in here.' She indicated another room off the kitchen. 'This one's mine - and isn't the view just as good?' Kit was right. The windows of her room looked straight across the harbour. Just as many boats - just as many of the beautiful purple Jacarandas. The only thing missing was the city and the bridge. 'I like this view just as much as yours,' she said, going back into the little kitchen and pouring out two cups of coffee.

'Real coffee? Oh, heaven!'

'You haven't had much real coffee at the Academy, then?'

'Only when I could get out of the lab on weekends - and even then I'd usually be down on my credits.'

'Poor thing. Enjoy this.'

'I will.'

We each sipped our coffee in silence, but I knew the question was coming.

'So, what exactly did you want to talk to me about?'

Bang on schedule. I tried prevaricating.

'We have two or three days, Kit. Why bother about that now - you've just come off duty.'

'Too defensive, my girl. Anyway, you'll be able to enjoy your visit far more once you've got whatever it is off your chest.'

She had a point. Kit always did, drat her.

'I graduate from the Academy next month.'

'I know that - I've had an invitation to your party flagged on my terminal for weeks.'

'I've made a decision about my future. I'm not staying in Starfleet.' I waited.

'That must have been a difficult decision. Can I ask why?'

'I would have told you anyway. I've got a job with the Mariners. I get a month's vacation after graduation, then I start training in New Atlantis. After that, I have a guaranteed job on Pacifica.'

Kit looked at me. 'You always did love the ocean, didn't you?'

'All my life.'

She put down her mug and stared out the window at the harbour. 'Your mother would be proud of you, you know. You're doing just what she always did - exploring, searching out new things. Doing something different.'

'I'm glad of that,' I said, quietly. 'But it's not my mother that I have to convince.'

Kit turned back to me. 'Well, you'll have no problems convincing Tom. He'll want to come with you.'

'Really? Uncle Tom?'

'Really. I remember him telling me that his childhood dream was to do exactly what you're going to do. But his father was determined that he would join Starfleet.'

'And you think that's not going to happen to me?'

'Denver Janeway! Your father would not force you to do anything. If he knows you're dedicated to your decision, he'll accept it absolutely, and be as proud of you as ever.'

'But he was in Starfleet. Mom was in Starfleet. You, and Lana, and Tom, and Uncle Harry - everyone I grew up with was in Starfleet. Naomi's in Starfleet now - and she loves it.'

'And your father resigned his commission within three years of our arriving home.'

'Dad's always telling me how much he admires Naomi. And my friend Lyssa.'

'Lyssa DelRani?'

'Yeah. She got a summer placement on the Enterprise, and the Captain requested that she be allowed to stay on. She's completed all her subjects by correspondence.'

'First of all - Naomi was special to all of us on Voyager. If your father comments about her it's not in comparison to you.'

'And Lyssa?'

'Well, you're proud of her, aren't you?'

'Of course - she's doing exactly what she wants to do. I'm happy for her.'

'She's doing exactly what she wants to be doing, Dee - that's what your father admires. Believe me. Chakotay would not want you to stay in Starfleet if you're not happy there.'

'I wish I could believe you, Kit. But I know what's going to happen. Even if he never says it aloud, he'll be dreadfully disappointed with me. It's been the same way all my life - he wants me to be my mother, Kit - and that's never going to happen.'

Kit sat back on the sofa, taking slow sips of her coffee.

'I think you're underestimating your father, Dee. I can see what you're saying. He misses Kathryn dreadfully - he has since the day she left on that mission - and you look so much like her. It must be hard for him. But he knows that you are your own person and that you have to be allowed to go your own way.'

'I miss her too, Aunt Kitty.' I hadn't used that name for her in years. She hadn't liked it when I had used it. But it just slipped out, along with my tears. I slid away from Kit, but she wasn't going to let me cry all by myself.

'Oh, Denver, sweetheart, I didn't mean that you don't miss her. Come on,' she had an arm around my shoulders in seconds, but her kindness just made me cry harder.

'Denver, I know you miss your mother. But your Dad loves you - you must see that.'

'I do,' I choked out between the tears. 'I know he loves me. But it's like he only loves me because I'm so much like her.'

'No, Denver. He loves you because you're you.'

It took me a while that evening to stop crying. Once I had stopped, I was so dreadfully embarrassed. I'd been coming to Kit for advice since Mama died, but I hadn't been so childish as to cry for years. Kit, being Kit, just laughed it off. She even pretended to ignore the fact that I'd called her 'Kitty'. We ate dinner and she told me about her work, and about Harry and Jenny, who'd brought their family around to visit a few weeks before. And she got me to tell her all about my classes, and what I'd be studying once I joined the Mariners.

'I had a hunch when your father showed me your Senior subject list, you know,' she said.

'Really?'

'It wasn't too hard to see a pattern, Dee - you must have taken every marine biology course the Academy would allow!'

'Actually, Commander Hwii talked them into allowing me to enrol in extra subjects. They weren't so happy, but when I had his backing…'

'So Hwii is still swimming around campus, huh?' asked Kit.

'Still going strong. Have you ever heard him sing?'

'Once or twice,' nodded Kit, a smile on her face. 'He's got to be a pretty old delphine by now, though.'

'Yeah, he is. I've been working as his research assistant this last semester. It was the tradeoff for getting extra marine subjects - extra hyperstring research as well. To tell you the truth, I think Admiral Solani thought that I might get interested in Hwii's work and stay with Starfleet.'

'Nothing doing?'

'Nothing doing,' I replied. 'I'm going to be a Mariner, Kit. Dad, Admiral Solani, Naomi, Lyssa, and everyone else are just going to have to get used to the idea.'

Kit smiled. 'Now THAT's the way to deal with this, Denver. You go, girl!'

I looked at her. 'Kit - you've been spending way, way to much time with Tom and Lana.' She laughed.

~*~

That weekend with Kit did me a world of good. She took me up to the Great Barrier Reef one day, and we both had a wonderful time. I enjoyed telling Kit things that she didn't know - it had always been the other way around. Another day we went into the old city, and Kit showed me around areas where the buildings had been preserved, some of them over four hundred years old.

I left the same way I had come - on the water. Kit waved me off, promising to come for more than just the day of my graduation. I knew my graduation would turn into a big deal - probably a crew reunion - and I wanted to make sure she would be there. I arrived home late that night, but I knew that Dad would still be waiting up for me. He always did.

When I walked in the door, I stopped and looked at him. He'd fallen asleep in his chair - his chin down on his chest, one lock of gray hair falling into his eyes. He looked so much older than I'd thought he was - his face was lined with age and worry, now, as well as his tattoo. I didn't want to wake him up, but I knew he'd worry even more if he woke in the middle of the night and thought I hadn't come home yet.

'Dad,' I said softly, putting my hand on his arm. 'Dad, wake up, I'm home.'

'Kathryn?' he asked, still asleep. It almost broke my heart.

'No, Dad, it's me - Dee. Come on, Dad.'

He shifted around a bit in his chair, and then opened his eyes and straightened up. 'Oh, Dee, honey. When did you get home?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago. Why did you wait up so late?'

'I wasn't asleep,' he said, rubbing his eyes, 'just resting my eyes a little.'

'Well, rest your eyes in bed then, huh? Come on,' I pulled him out of the chair.

'I'm not old and frail yet, Dee,' he said, smiling at me. Now he was definitely awake. 'I don't intend to be old and frail for a long time yet.'

'Well, even young and chipper fathers need their sleep. Dad...' I hesitated.

'What is is, Dee?'

'Tomorrow, I need to talk to you.'

'Okay. But can I say this now?' I nodded. 'Everyone's got their dreams - and you've got to go live yours. I'm proud of you, Denver, and I love you so much.'

I hugged him. A tight hug that I swear almost had him gasping for breath. 'I love you too, Dad.'

'I know, honey, I know.'

I slept much better that night than I'd been expecting.