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It’s laughable, really.
If someone told me years ago that I would feel this strongly towards you, I would have dismissed them without a thought. You were so insufferable, picking fights with me. I may be slow, but I’m not blind. I knew that you hated my guts.
So, when you saved me that day, I was both suspicious and confused. Later, I was shocked. Maybe I had you wrong this whole time?
I suppose that’s when I started to think of you as my brother, someone who I would fight alongside and defend whenever needed.
You are weaker than me when it comes to fighting, but you were always intelligent, and I respected your intellect.
Did you know? I took in a disciple because of your words. Yang Yixuan is a fine ‘moldable talent’ like you said he was. I dismissed it, saying that moldable talents were still useless, but I took your words to heart as I observed him.
There was also that time I told you to not get in the way and obediently stay behind as we dealt with the sowers. I only wanted you to be safe. If ‘Without a Cure’ flared at an inopportune time, you could forfeit your life. Worrying of your safety would make it hard for me to focus at the task at hand, which was eliminating the sowers.
Did you know? Ever since you’ve died, I always had this nagging foreboding feeling in my gut. Perhaps if we let you come along, things would have played differently. If I ran back to help you when you called for help… would you still be with us?
With me?
After you gained knowledge that your disciple returned from the ‘dead,’ you acted as though you were escaping from something frightening. Visibly, it was hard to tell, but I could somehow tell. You were scared.
I tried to fish information from you at the time. What happened to your disciple? What happened during the years he disappeared? I didn’t get anything substantial out of you, then.
You looked so dreadful the next morning while your disciple looked to be in high spirits. He did something to you that night, didn’t he? That disciple of yours truly knows how to repay your good will. How detestable.
No matter how you may try to defend him (as I’m sure you would), what kind of disciple allows his Shizun to be disrespected? His honor tarnished? He isn’t worth your care! Why are you so good to him? You even–!
Did… you really like him that much you were willing to die for him?
I…
I… feel like I lost a part of myself when I saw you laying there motionless. How is it that you took a part of me when you died? Sorcery? I still am unwilling to accept you died, not for his sake.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t hesitate if it meant I could save you, but would you extend the same favor to me like you did your disciple? Are we so different?
I took in Yang Yixuan as a disciple in vain hopes to understand your feelings, but I don’t.
Of course, I would defend my disciple, but I don’t know if I could go as far as you did for yours. I don’t baby my disciple like you do. My disciple is strong and should be able to fend for himself. I care for my disciple and all those who reside on my peak, but none can compare to you.
I always worried about your poison flaring. I worried about your depression after your disciple ‘disappeared’. I would try to bring you gifts to cheer up your spirits after my subjugation missions.
If you said it, I’d do my best to help you with whatever it was!
That insufferable bastard took you from us… from ME after you died for his sake. He didn’t deserve it. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE LIKE THAT!
I couldn’t retrieve you from him at the time and that will forever weigh heavy on my heart. I couldn’t save you. I let you die.
I couldn’t even prevent your body from landing in the hands of your enemy (You died because of him, I won’t let you tell me otherwise).
I launched many attacks, not giving up on my relentless pursuit to retrieving you from that bastard. I want you back. You belong with us, and not HIM.
It doesn’t matter how many bones I break, or how many times I lose, I’m willing to bear the pain. Broken bones and pride can’t compare to the hurt I felt when he took you from us.
It hurt. A lot. Broken bones heal, and pride can be forged from dedication, but there is no healing when I’m not by your side. There’s no happier feeling than when you rely on me. Maybe I’m deluding myself in thinking you want saving… maybe I’m doing this out of self-satisfaction.
I don’t know, but maybe you would? You were smarter than me, after all.
I’m simple so all I know is that I want you back. Even if you can’t rely on me anymore, at least I know you’ll be safe, away from HIM.
I can’t… describe it for you to understand. I don’t know what it is that I feel, but you’re special to me somehow.
Maybe it’s because you’ve saved my life before? My sense of responsibility makes me want to repay the favor.
I’m sure that’s the case, but it doesn’t explain why I’m so tormented over the idea that HE has you. I don’t know what he’s been doing to you, but every injustice towards you will be converted to a stab from my blade.
You want to return with us too, don’t you?
Anyway, no matter what, I’m coming for you. This time, I’m sure I’ll save you.
“To your stations! All departments listen to your orders, to your stations!”
No matter how tight your defenses are, I’ll still manage to invade. You can’t prevent me from coming to get him back.
This time, I’ll save you. I promise I will.
If there ever comes a time we can talk again, I want to ask you if you understand what my feelings are.
Why are you so special to me? Why is it that no one can compare to you?
Can you explain to me why I’ve stopped feeling happiness?
It feels as though your happiness is my own. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve felt that part of me die away.
Simply put… I guess… you were my happiness.
Does that make sense?
Say… can you help me understand?