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It all starts with the most innocent question Namjoon could ever think of.
“Hey, are you still thinking about participating in that figure skating competition?” his friend Jimin asks, in a completely innocent voice, on a completely innocent Thursday afternoon.
They just finished their last class for the day, and Namjoon barely noticed the room getting empty and Jimin prancing over to his desk. It’s been difficult for him to focus those last few days, and as much as his mother wanted to believe it was because of the approaching finals, that was the furthest thing from truth.
“What gave it away?” he sighs, looking gloomily at the paper in front of him. It’s been folded and unfolded so many times some of the writing became smeared but he still knows the words by heart. Figure skating competition, almost three weeks from now.
God, he’s lucky his mom can’t see him now.
“Oh,” Jimin says, gently nudging the ice skates sticking from Namjoon’s backpack with the toe of his shoe. “Just a hunch.”
“Well, I am thinking about it,” Namjoon says and then his instinct to protect himself by downplaying things kicks in: “It could be fun, you know? Just to see what it’s like.”
“Oh, I agree completely!” Jimin nods and then leans forward with a twinkle in his eye. “Which is why I have a surprise for you. I want you to meet someone.”
“I don’t think dating is gonna help,” Namjoon mumbles and Jimin shakes his head, straightening up.
“No, it’s—“ he hesitates. “You know what, actually, let’s put a pin in that for now.”
Namjoon draws his eyebrows together but Jimin clearly isn’t going to elaborate on that. He grabs Namjoon’s forearm and pulls him up to his feet, picking up his backpack and shoving it into Namjoon’s arms.
“Come on, we can’t be late, that’s not a good way to make the first impression,” Jimin says, and because Namjoon knows better than to argue with him when he’s made up his mind about something, he obediently follows him out of the room and down to the entrance of the school. Some part of him was expecting Jimin to turn right, towards the bus stop, but instead Jimin chooses left, leading him towards the school’s sports hall. Technically, the hall wasn’t the school’s property but there was some agreement that let the students use it for PE classes.
And, Namjoon suddenly remembers, that’s where the competition will take place because that’s where the only ice skating rink in town is.
“So who are we meeting?” he asks, full of bad feelings, but Jimin simply replies “a friend” and drags him through the door.
At first Namjoon thinks the place is empty, which is not surprising because ice skating isn’t exactly a popular summer sport. The lights are dimmed and there’s no music playing from the speakers and for a brief second an irrational thought that Jimin lured him here to trick him crosses Namjoon’s mind. When he notices the boy standing near the entrance to the rink and recognizes him, he realizes he’d much rather prefer being tricked over whatever is going to happen now.
“That’s not your friend!” Namjoon hisses, grabbing onto Jimin’s sleeve, trying to pull him back. “That’s Kim Taehyung!”
Jimin glances at him briefly over his shoulder, a small, amused smile dancing on his lips.
“Yeah, people can be many things at once, you know?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.
Out of all people Kim Taehyung definitely is the one containing multitudes , Namjoon catches himself thinking and then immediately starts tugging on Jimin’s sleeve again because holy fuck , if being barely in the same room as Taehyung has him thinking about poetry he’s more fucked than he could ever suspect. Namjoon never exchanged even a single word with him but he’s heard stories, mostly about how Taehyung can charm anyone, anywhere. He’s popular, almost absurdly so, and he’s the best skater Namjoon has ever had in his orbit (meaning mostly his school). He knows Taehyung because he’s watched him skate; either during competitions or in a less public circumstances (yes, maybe he has stayed after his PE lessons to make sure he could spend a few moments watching Taehyung train, so what). Taehyung is the closest to celebrity their school has, and now he’s just standing there, waving at Jimin. And, by extension, Namjoon.
Namjoon wants to die.
Jimin ignores him completely and keeps barreling forward, dragging Namjoon behind much like a horse would a (very terrified) cart, and Namjoon just lets him, too petrified to protest.
“Don’t worry, it’s gonna be fine,” Jimin whispers to him and then turns forward, raising his voice. “Hi, Tae! Thanks for meeting us!”
“No problem!” Taehyung says and Namjoon inhales sharply, trying to stop himself from yelping. It’s strange, but up until now, until he heard Taehyung speak, a part of his brain didn’t believe it was really happening. He had no idea Jimin was friends with Taehyung; sure, he knew that Jimin was friends with everyone but Kim Taehyung didn’t fall into the category of everyone . He forces himself to glance at him, and that’s when, as Namjoon’s luck would have it, Taehyung decides to look at him too. Their eyes meet over Jimin’s shoulder and Taehyung smiles, wide and sunny and gorgeous , and Namjoon’s soul catapults itself out of his body.
“So this is your friend?” Taehyung asks, nodding at Namjoon. Jimin takes a step to the side and Namjoon’s body flinches, his instinct yelling at him to attempt to hide behind his friend again, but he stops himself and straightens up. He clears his throat, summoning what he hopes is a convincing smile, and turns to Taehyung, looking him in the eye again.
“Hi,” he says, internally wincing at how small his voice sounded, and tries again: “Hi, I’m Jimin’s friend.”
“Nice to meet you!” Taehyung replies, his grin growing even bigger. “I’m Taehyung!” He extends his hand and it takes Namjoon a few seconds of staring at it to understand what he’s supposed to do. He shakes Taehyung’s hand (which is warm and big and ridiculously soft) and tries his hardest not to hold onto it to long.
“Likewise,” he says and then, for some stupid reason, continues: “I mean likewise, it’s nice to meet you too, not likewise, I’m Taehyung. My name’s Namjoon, actually.”
He had no idea that Taehyung’s smile (which at this point feels like his face’s default expression) could get even brighter but it does.
“Cute,” Taehyung says and turns to Jimin before Namjoon has a chance to process what he just said. “I asked to have the rink for us for half an hour, I think that should be enough?”
A heavy, sinking feeling drops into Namjoon’s stomach so suddenly he almost topples over.
“What,” he starts and pauses, swallowing thickly against the strange dryness in his throat. “What do you mean by that?”
Taehyung’s attention is back on him and Namjoon instinctively slumps his shoulders to make himself smaller.
“Oh, if I’m expected to help you train, I need to see what I’m working with!” Taehyung says, sending Namjoon another sunny smile. He says it with such ease like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, which is probably why it takes Namjoon’s brain a second before he processes it.
He spins around to look at Jimin, who in turns looks up at the ceiling and refuses to meet his eyes so stubbornly that Namjoon has no other choice but to respond to Taehyung himself.
“Train?” he asks in what comes out as an embarrassingly small voice. “You want to… train me?”
“I don’t know yet!” Taehyung says cheerfully. He opens the entrance door to the rink with a big, sweeping gesture and nods at Namjoon’s skates. “Come on, let’s see what you’ve got!”
Because Jimin is still acting like he’s never seen anything even half as fascinating as the ceiling, Namjoon slowly tugs the skates down and puts them on, all the time uncomfortably aware that Taehyung is watching him. His hands shake and he has to tie the shoelaces twice because his fingers suddenly feel thick and clumsy. What is Taehyung expecting him to do? Show him that he can skate? That would be too easy, but thinking about the other possibilities makes his stomach turn.
When he finally manages to put on his skates and makes his way onto the rink (tripping only once; Taehyung was kind enough to jump up to him and hold his arm, saying “Careful!” in that deep voice of his that absolutely doesn’t do anything to Namjoon, nothing at all), he feels even more horrified than before.
He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, listening to his own heartbeat and trying to will it to calm down. It only takes a few seconds; his eyes open and his body starts moving at its own accord. It’s easy and calming, safe , the music that always plays in the back of his mind surfaces to the front and he allows it to guide him. He doesn’t think about anything, he forgets about Jimin and Taehyung and school and chores, he just starts skating as everything around him disappears. He does a few jumps and doesn’t even realize he does them until a cheer from Jimin breaks through the veil in his mind and he grins to himself. It’s nice, he thinks, it’s just nice .
The music finally stops and he pauses, feeling like he just woke up from a deep sleep. He looks around and sees that Taehyung and Jimin are still standing right next to the entrance, both of them smiling widely, and he slowly skates up to the brink of the rink, suddenly aware of his body and limbs.
“Wow!” Jimin says, helping him get out of the rink. “Joon, you’re really good.”
Namjoon mumbles something that in his head was supposed to be a denial, but his words get stuck together when he risks a glance at Taehyung. He’s just standing there, his arms crossed over his chest, but there’s something in his eyes that Namjoon doesn’t dare name. Taehyung catches his gaze and nods, saying:
“You are. I’m surprised, actually.”
It’s such a small praise but Namjoon still feels his face heat up, his heart speeding up again. He takes off his skates and puts his shoes on, trying to figure out what happens now.
“Do you have time to meet up tomorrow around five?” Taehyung asks, taking a quick look at his watch. “I have to run now, but I’d love to talk to you some more, figure out how we’re gonna do this.”
Namjoon doesn’t dare ask what this is, so he simply nods, which makes Taehyung beam at him and pat his shoulder.
“Cool! So tomorrow at the cafe next to our school? Five p.m. sharp, yeah?”
“Sure,” Namjoon says, still feeling like he just woke up and desperately trying to make his brain catch up. “Sure, yeah.”
“Okay!” Taehyung says and skips to the door, waving at him and Jimin. “See you then!”
He disappears behind the door, leaving Namjoon to blankly stare after him. His words echo in Namjoon’s brain; figure out how we’re gonna do this , and suddenly the heavy weight he felt when he saw Taehyung in front of him reappears in his stomach, turning his blood cold.
“Jimin?” he asks, his eyes still glued to the door. “When he said he wants to talk to me some more… by any chance, do you know what he meant?”
“Oh, yeah!” Jimin chirps happily from somewhere to his left. “Tae said he’d consider training you, and judging by what I saw, you just became his pupil.”
The next day Namjoon almost bails.
He spent most of the night tossing and turning, haunted by the idea that Jimin was right and that Taehyung might actually want to help him train for the competition. He tried telling himself that it’s ridiculous, that Taehyung will probably participate himself so there’s no logical reason for him to want to help a competitor, and for a while it worked, but when he found himself in front of the cafe at four fifty, he realized that the logical part of his brain packed its bags and left with a one way ticket.
He paces around the entrance, trying to catch a glimpse of Taehyung through the windows, but he’s nowhere to be seen, which leads him to another unpleasant thought. What if Taehyung was just pulling a prank on him? He freezes in his spot, suddenly feeling sick. It would make sense, wouldn’t it? Taehyung is such a popular, well known guy; why would he waste his time on some stranger? What if he never planned to meet with Namjoon and is currently at home, laughing about how gullible and stupid the guy who thought he could skate is? That thought is enough for him to make up his mind and he spins around, ready to flee as far from the cafe as his legs will take him, but then someone bumps into him, almost sending him flying down on his ass.
“Sorry!” Taehyung gasps, grabbing Namjoon’s shoulder to steady him. “Sorry, my bus was late, I hope you didn’t wait long?” His hair is messy and he’s out of breath, panting heavily, and Namjoon realizes he must’ve been running. His heart skips a beat and then rushes with double speed. He feels stupid for doubting Taehyung, he really should’ve known better than to think anyone who’s friends with Jimin would be so cruel.
“Oh, it’s fine!” he says. “I just got here, actually.”
“Great!” Taehyung says and then walks by Namjoon to pull the handle and keep the door open for him. “Shall we?”
They order iced americanos and, because Namjoon notices Taehyung eyeing the pastries displayed next to the coffee machine, he buys two chocolate muffins (which Taehyung welcomes with sparkling eyes and a very weak oh no, you shouldn’t have , which Namjoon in turn brushes off). They sit down at one of the empty tables and for a while simply make small talk, talking about their classes and their mutual friends (Taehyung knows everyone Namjoon does, which makes it very easy), until finally Taehyung leans back in his chair and looks Namjoon up and down with a serious expression.
“How did you start skating?” he asks, and although it’s a perfectly innocent question, Namjoon still feels like there’s something else to it, like he’s being judged.
He shrugs and swirls the remaining ice cubes in the cup, suddenly feeling too nervous to look into Taehyung’s face.
“I started when I was a kid, it was just something me and my friends would do after school,” he says and then, without even knowing how or why, he finds himself craving to make Taehyung understand. “It was really nice to just be able to have fun and not have to think about college or exams or finding a good job and settling down. It’s just, like. I don’t know if it’s because my brain connects skating to being a child, but I tend to get anxious about things and over-think them, but skating... It makes me not think, and I really like that, even if it’s only for a while. I can just… skate, you know?”
The moment those words leave his mouth he internally cringes at himself, at how inelegant he had to sound, but when he looks up, he sees that Taehyung is silently watching him and there’s no trace of a frown on his face. Quite the contrary, he almost looks like he’s about to smile, but when his eyes meet Namjoon’s, he quickly collects himself and nods instead.
“I know, I think,” he says simply and that’s enough for Namjoon to feel as light as a feather. “So,” Taehyung adds, taking a sip of his coffee. “I have a program for you, if we can make it work I think you have it in the bag.”
Namjoon blinks at him, trying to understand what exactly is happening.
“You have a program for me?”
“Yeah.” Taehyung nods like it’s no big deal, like he hasn’t just shaken up Namjoon’s entire world. “I thought about it yesterday and I think that if we train enough, you can definitely do this. I’m not gonna make you do a camel spin or anything like that, don’t worry,” he adds when a high-pitched sound escapes from Namjoon’s throat. “We’ll make it simple but graceful.”
“A-are you serious?” Namjoon chokes out.
“Absolutely! No camel spins!” Taehyung winks at him and then reaches over the table to pat Namjoon’s hand. “You’ll be amazing, you’ll see.”
Namjoon hesitates. He knows that he still has a lot to learn; after all, this would be his very first competition, the very first time he tried it for real . It’s scary and he still doesn’t know what’s going to happen next, he has no idea if he won’t end up making a fool of himself in front of all those people. It might turn out that not only Taehyung is levels above him but everyone else is too and getting laughed out of the rink could just make him turn his back on skating for ever. But, despite his mind screaming at him that this is ridiculous and that he should just back out, just go back to what he knows, the fleeting touch of Taehyung’s hand is enough for Namjoon to accept that yes, he wants to see.
The next two weeks are, if not the most taxing in Namjoon’s life, then definitely up there.
Taehyung kept his word and made his program quite easy to learn, but it still took Namjoon hours to even ingest the order of the routine. It was particularly hard because he looked so beautiful on ice that Namjoon’s mind was, for the most part, completely preoccupied with trying not to explode. Thankfully for him, the knowledge that the competition was getting nearer helped with his focus and motivation and finally the jumps started coming to him naturally. He no longer had to think about every step and every move, and the pleasant emptiness appeared again, calming him down like an old friend. Everything was going well, he was feeling less and less insecure in his abilities and his mood was starting to improve so much that he even entertained the idea of asking Taehyung out on a date (one day, maybe).
And then it all came crashing down, just two days before the competition.
At first he was hoping that Taehyung wouldn’t notice, but, unfortunately for him, Taehyung was way too observant for his own good. He did endure Namjoon falling on his ass three times and forgetting the program over and over again until his eyes started prickling with tears, until he called him over to the entrance of the rink they practiced at and sat down on the bench, silently patting the space next to him.
And as much as Namjoon didn’t want to talk about it, he couldn’t help himself.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, sitting down next to Taehyung and addressing his knees.
Taehyung hums thoughtfully and for a while they simply sit there, until Taehyung speaks up:
“Wanna tell me what’s happening? I mean, I could assume you’re just having a bad skating day but, don’t get me wrong, you look like you’re about to lock yourself in your bedroom for a month straight.”
“It’s my mom,” Namjoon says, still stubbornly admiring his knees.
“Oh,” Taehyung’s voice suddenly becomes anxious. “Did something happen?”
Namjoon shakes his head. “She texted me just before I got here, apparently she might not be here on Friday,” he says, hoping he doesn’t sound as disappointed as he feels. “Which is fair, I know she has to work a lot and everything.”
“But? I’m sensing a but here.”
Namjoon realizes he’s been picking at his cuticles only when Taehyung gently touches his hand and, fuck, the feeling of Taehyung’s skin against his once again makes him want to believe that everything will be better.
“Why do you want to do it?” Taehyung asks suddenly.
“Do what?” Namjoon asks. It’s a pointless question because he knows perfectly well what Taehyung means, but it still gives him a little more time to think.
“You know, why do you want to take part in that competition?”
“My mom…” Namjoon starts, then clears his throat and tries again: “My mom thinks it’s stupid. Me, skating. She thinks I should focus on something serious, like studies or exams or…” he shrugs. “She thinks I’m wasting my time, that me trying to skate is pointless. I guess I just had this stupid fantasy that seeing me skate might make her understand, like in the movies.” He pauses for a second and then decides that fuck it, he might as well tell Taehyung everything. “She doesn’t get it, she thinks I’m ruining my chances of getting admitted to a good college if I don’t use every single moment to study. And I just don’t want to think sometimes, you know? Sometimes I just want to be away from all that and my away is here, on the ice.”
Taehyung doesn’t answer; he keeps frowning at his shoes like he’s thinking hard about it and after a few moments Namjoon shuffles on the bench, wondering if their conversation is over. He’s just about to get up and thank Taehyung for today’s lesson, when Taehyung speaks up, so suddenly that it almost makes Namjoon jump.
“They think I’m dumb,” he says. He looks up at Namjoon and then jerks his head, nodding at the door. “Airheaded.”
“You’re not,” Namjoon protests immediately and gets a smile in return.
“I know. It’s just… because of how I am, you know? Because I spend all of my time skating, they think I have nothing else to talk about. Sometimes I want to scream at everyone to give me a chance, to talk about something important with me, and at other times…” he pauses, shrugs. “They think I’m harmless, so they’re nice to me. But I know I’m not dumb because I do what I like. And you’re not stupid for wanting to do that either.”
Namjoon blinks at him with surprise, carefully turning Taehyung’s words in his head. The silence is dragging on and Taehyung seems to notice it, because he claps his hands and jumps off the bench.
“Anyway!” he says cheerfully. “Good job today, despite everything! I think we should—”
“I don’t think you’re dumb,” Namjoon blurts out, cutting him off. He’s not sure why it’s so important to him that Taehyung knows it, but it is, the idea that Taehyung might be thinking that about himself makes his stomach turn. “I think you’re smart and kind and amazing.” The words are out before he can stop them, and in the silence that follows he starts regretting them immediately. He desperately tries to think of something else to say, some way to take them back, but Taehyung smiles at him; a different type of smile this time, a gentle, shy one, and says:
“I think you’re amazing too.”
Two days later, Namjoon is an anxious mess.
He was expecting it but somehow it still comes as a surprise to him that the moment he set his foot out of the locker room, his composure falls apart like a house of cards. He used the back entrance to get into the hall and now he’s seeing just how packed the place is for the first time. There are people everywhere; talking and laughing and blissfully unaware that he’s about to lose his goddamn mind. He tries to calm himself down by going over the program in his head, but that only makes his anxiety worse. His hands are shaking so badly that by the time he manages to stumble over to the ice rink, he has to hold onto it for dear life to keep his legs from giving out under him. He’s the first one to perform because of course he is, because he just had to go and sign up in secret the second he saw the flyer, and now he regrets that decision like nothing else in his life. He notices that the seats are filling up and he knows that they’re about to start and all he wants to do is to hide. And then, while his eyes are still scanning the crowd, he sees her. His mom, sitting in the front row, hurriedly taking her phone out and aiming it at Namjoon’s face. He can see her smiling at him when their eyes meet and he thinks he smiles back, but he can’t be sure because currently he can’t feel any part of his body. His vision goes a little blurry and he’s surprised to realize that there are tears in his eyes, threatening to spill down his cheeks, but just as he’s about to wipe them, someone pats his shoulder, taking him aback.
“Hey,” comes a familiar voice from behind him. “Are you okay?”
Namjoon turns around and nearly gasps, suddenly completely blanking out on why he was about to cry. He was so busy focusing on himself that he completely forgot that Taehyung was competing too, although in a different group. He’s seen Taehyung in his professional costume many times but it’s so different seeing it up close. It’s all so tight-fitting and sparkly and colorful, and as strange as it is to admit it to himself, just the sight of Taehyung’s face makes him calm down a bit.
“Kinda,” he chokes out. “I’m feeling pretty ridiculous now,” he adds, gesturing at Taehyung’s outfit and then at his own costume. It’s painfully simple because his mom would never let him spend any real money on something that frivolous and he’s not really a great tailor, but he did the best he could. And Taehyung is clearly aware of that, because he nods appreciatively.
“You shouldn’t, you look great!” he says, and does it with such ease that Namjoon has no other choice but to let himself believe him. “So how are you feeling, other than that? Excited? Nervous?”
“Like I’m about to die. My mom is here,” he whispers.
Taehyung’s eyes go comically wide. “Oh my god, really?” he asks, craning his neck to look over Namjoon’s shoulder at the seats.
Suddenly, a loud, booming voice announces over the speakers that the competition is about to begin and Namjoon’s hears his own name being called. He instinctively turns around to face the invisible voice and realizes that everyone is looking at him, waiting for him to start skating.
“Just like we practiced, yeah?” he hears Taehyung say. “You got this.”
Maybe it’s all because of the adrenaline, but at this moment something clicks in Namjoon’s mind. Something he doesn’t want to name yet, but something that made him realize that two weeks ago he had no idea how Taehyung’s voice sounded and now he knows that Taehyung has a scar on his finger from when he sliced it with his skate when he was younger, he knows that Taehyung has a dog and likes to send his photos to Namjoon in the middle of the night, he knows that there’s nothing Taehyung wouldn’t do for a cup of hot chocolate. He knows that Taehyung is smart and kind and funny, and there’s so much more to him than just a pretty face.
He spins around and opens his mouth, not even exactly sure what he wants to say, but Taehyung beats him to it.
“Hey,” he says, so gently that Namjoon has to stop himself from leaning forward to hear him better. “If you win this, I’m taking you out on a date.”
Something inside Namjoon’s chest explodes; warm and tingly and beautiful . He wants to kiss Taehyung and he wants to do it now, in front of everyone, and for a second he forgets all about the competition, but then Taehyung grins at him and pushes his shoulder.
“Go! They’re calling your name!” he urges him on, and Namjoon briefly entertains the idea of quitting the competition just then and there, but Taehyung is still grinning at him and raising his eyebrows expectantly, so Namjoon stumbles to the entrance of the rink, trying not to look back at Taehyung.
The seconds it takes one of the staff to open the latch for him feel like centuries and it gives him time to think. About the crowd gathered in the tiny sports hall, about Taehyung, about his mom. About exams and college and the way his legs started feeling shaky when he took off his skates for the very first time.
And then Namjoon enters the rink and stops thinking, hearing only the music in his mind.
***
“Is this going to be a regular thing?” Namjoon asks when Taehyung barrels into the cafe, nearly knocking some innocent patron to the ground. He watches with amusement as Taehyung steadies her, gasping out apologies, and then, after making sure she’s okay, scrunches up his nose in embarrassment.
“Well, it’s not my fault,” he whines, walking up to Namjoon’s table and flopping down onto the chair next to him. “The bus was late, again.”
“I meant sweeping people off their feet,” Namjoon teases him, feeling brave and happy and giddy. “My mom was very charmed with you. She said that she’s glad you’re training me, which, for her, is like the highest form of compliment.”
“Oh.” Taehyung blinks a few times and a lovely shade of pink appears on his cheeks. Namjoon just wants to kiss them. “I was definitely trying to make a good first impression.”
Namjoon grins at him. “Those are important, yeah.”
Taehyung rolls his eyes and quickly pokes his dimple, snatching his hand away before Namjoon can slap it.
“Did you tell her about my idea?”
“I mentioned it,” Namjoon says, pushing the hot chocolate he ordered for Taehyung towards him. “She said, and I quote, hmm , but she sent me a link to an article about same sex pairs in figure skating this morning, so. You know, again, highest praise.”
“I guess I’ll take it, then!” Taehyung says. “It does feel like an improvement, doesn’t it?”
Namjoon watches him blow on his chocolate, thinking about the anxiety he felt all those weeks ago and about the euphoria that came after that. Euphoria and, much more importantly, the hours spent together in Taehyung’s room, on the rink, in cafes. He thinks about the something he didn’t want to name then but could now, the four lettered word that had Taehyung’s face.
“Yeah,” he agrees, reaching out to take Taehyung’s hand in his and interlace their fingers together. “It sure does.”