Archive of Our Own

- 8 -

Jeno fell in love on a Saturday.

There was nothing extraordinary to it. No fanfare, no earth shattering realization. Jeno merely woke up next to Jaemin, who was still sleeping soundly, peachy hair sticking up in every direction from moving around in his sleep, and realized he wanted to wake up like this always.

It could hardly be considered a new discovery at this point, just the first time he dared to admit it to himself.

Not wanting to disturb the other, Jeno took a moment to appreciate the way the sun was falling through the blinds onto Jaemin’s face making him look more ethereal than usual. Jeno wasn’t often dramatic, but Jaemin truly looked so peaceful and angelic as he slept, long lashes against his cheeks and lips parted in a soft exhale.

For a moment, Jeno was tempted to run his hands through Jaemin’s hair, feeling how soft he knew it was from all the time he spent ruffling it. Call him selfish, but Jeno took pride in returning as much of Jaemin’s affection as possible. The flush on Jaemin’s cheeks even after all this time when it’s reciprocated is priceless.  

It was then Jaemin shifted, causing Jeno to roll back to face the wall, suddenly scared Jaemin might wake up and see the truth written across his face. Jeno closed his eyes tight and tried to slow his breathing the best he could, even though his heart was pounding in his chest.  Wrapping his arm around Jeno’s middle, Jaemin shift closer until he was plastered against Jeno’s back, seeking him out like it was the most natural thing in the world for them. Jeno breath caught.

Taking care to pay attention to Jaemin’s breathing, which Jeno could feel on the back of his neck, he concluded his friend was still asleep. In an attempt to relax again, Jeno timed his breathing up with Jaemin’s, breathing as if they were the same being. Within moments Jeno was drifting back to sleep under a blanket of warmth.

- 1 -

“Can I play with that?”

Jeno looked down the the red truck in his hand as he pushed it through the sand and then looked back up at the squeaky voice in question. There was a boy kneeling beside him in the sandbox, while most other kids ran towards the slide or swings. The boy had black hair, much like Jeno’s, and dark eyes to match. His cheeks were rounder than most other kids their age and Jeno decided he liked that.

Jeno didn’t recognize him, but then again, it was only the second day of school.

“Are you new? I don’t know you.”

The boy nodded. “I”m Na Jaemin. My family just moved here.”

For a moment Jeno seemed to consider his options (as much as a seven-year-old could when his toy was in question). “Alright, Jaemin. I’m Lee Jeno. This is my truck from home, but you can use it when I’m done.”

“Okay.” Jaemin beamed, finally settling down beside Jeno, awaiting his turn patiently while watching Jeno drive it through the sand intently. After a couple more minutes Jeno decided he had enough of the truck and passed it over to Jaemin who grabbed it eagerly, excited with the prospect of getting to play with a new toy.

“Want to be friends?” Jaemin asked as he moved Jeno’s truck through the sand, looking over to Jeno, his cheeks flushed from the unusually warm fall weather, a smile on his face.

And that was that.

- 9 -

Jeno hated math.

“I hate math,” Jeno said, pushing back from his desk and spinning his chair so he could face Jaemin, who had taken up camp on his bed. (He had finished his homework in class, but told Jeno he would stay for moral support, “Because god knows you need it.”)

It had been two days already since Jeno realized he was in love with his friend and not much had changed. Jaemin still found any excuse to hang out with Jeno after school, Donghyuck and Mark were still the sappiest (read: most annoying) couple in school, Renjun still fell asleep during first class history, and Jeno was still hopelessly in love with his best friend.

“Do you want some help?” Jaemin looked up from his phone lazily and the words got caught in Jeno’s throat. There was no way someone should be able to look that good while dressed in sweats and a plain tee, pink hair still messed up from the wind on the walk home. Yet there was Na Jaemin, in the flesh, laying on Jeno’s bed like a dream.

Panicked, Jeno turned his chair again back towards his desk, hoping his face wasn’t as red as it felt. It was no fair for Jaemin to have this affect over him without even having to do anything. With one glance at his math problems Jeno came back to reality and groaned, resting his head on his desk.

“Yes please.”

“What was that?”

Jeno sighed, screwing his eyes shut. “Yes, math genius Na Jaemin, smartest person I know, please help me with my homework.”

That earned a laugh. “Why didn’t you just say so?” Jaemin said rolling off the bed with practiced ease.

Jeno bit back his retort when he felt Jaemin’s presence at his back. He wasn’t too sure if Jaemin could see well from where he was reading over Jeno’s shoulder, but he was close enough that his head was practically hooked over Jeno’s shoulder, so Jeno wasn’t about to speak up. Aside from Donghyuck, Jaemin was the most affectionate of his friends which left Jeno feeling both blessed and frustrated. It meant it was pretty much useless to determine if Jaemin might even slightly return his feelings because he was this clingy with anyone.

“Which one do you need help with?”

“All of them?” Jeno was defeated and math was his conqueror. “I’m so dumb.”

“No you aren’t, Jen,” Jaemin said so certainly, like it was a fact written in stone. Jeno almost felt inclined to believe him.

Jeno knew better than to argue with Jaemin, especially since he had a lot to say when it came to Jeno putting himself down, even when the comments were offhanded and quiet enough that nobody else should be able to hear them. So, instead of wasting his breath, Jeno stayed quiet. Sometimes he liked to fool himself in being someone special to Jaemin.

Sure, he struggled quite a bit in math, probably even more so than any other subject, but Jaemin (the math whiz he was) was always there to help explain things to Jeno no matter how long it took. Jaemin was patient and so, so kind. Jeno sorta just wanted to cry.

It if was just math that might have been one thing, but Jaemin was always so patient with Jeno. Never rushing him towards anything, but staying by his side so whenever he needed support so he never had to reach far. Jeno couldn’t be more grateful for it, since he was never that comfortable with asking for help, but Jaemin just always seemed to know when Jeno needed something.

Sometimes Jeno thought Jaemin knew him better than he knew himself.

- 2 -

“Have you heard the rumors?”

Jeno shifted his backpack onto both shoulders as he caught up to his friend, not wanting Jaemin to scold him for the nth time (“You shouldn’t wear it like that, Jeno. My mom always says if I do that I’ll have back problems by the age of fourteen”).

Jaemin shook his head at the question, raising his eyebrows in interest. “About what?”

“That Taeyong’s gay.”

“That’s it?” Jaemin sounded disinterested with the news, like somehow to him it was already old news. He must have already heard the rumor Jeno figured.

“You don’t have a problem with it?”

“No.” Jaemin’s answer was quick, definite. “Why would I?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Gay people are just like anyone else, Jeno.”

“I know!” Jeno felt the guilt curl in his stomach, he knew he probably should have approached the subject better, he really didn’t have anything against those who weren’t straight, but he felt awkward just thinking about it for some reason. He hated that feeling even more. “That’s not what I meant. I just don’t...know much about them I guess. I’ve never met one.”

“Well, you know Taeyong.” Jaemin paused and came to a halt. So quietly that Jeno almost missed it, he added, “And me.”

Jeno turned back to look at his friend who was currently doing anything to avoid meeting Jeno’s eyes. Instead he was dragging a foot through the snow, drawing a pointless pattern. “You’re gay?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin replied, just as quiet.

Immediately, Jeno decided that he hated this side of Jaemin - the quiet, unsure tone to his voice. Jaemin was Jaemin. He knew who he was, he was loud and friendly to everyone, he was confident and strong. He was Jeno’s best friend and filled in everything Jeno lacked without making him feel inferior. Jeno didn’t want him to feel bad for who he was.

“Oh. That’s cool.”

To Jeno’s surprise, Jaemin let out a laugh and seemed to relax back into his usual self. “That’s cool?” He asked, eyebrows raised, but this time in amusement.

“What else am I supposed to say, congratulations?”

Jaemin laughed again and Jeno decided right then and there he never wanted to see Jaemin upset again. “Cool works just fine.”

With that sorted out, the two continued on their way home, Jaemin jabbering on about a new comic book his dad bought him and Jeno doing what he did best, listen.

Later, they found themselves on the couch in the living room of Jeno’s house, homework abandoned in favour of a cartoon rerun on that they both found themselves too invested in.

“How did you...know?” Jeno asked, stuffing an oreo in his mouth. Any uncertainty from before had melted away into curiosity. It was true, Jeno had never met anyone that was other than straight to his knowledge and it was something that was talked about so hush hush in his family that suddenly Jeno felt left out of the loop.

There was a sudden fear that Jaemin, lovely, friendly Jaemin who knew more about the world than Jeno, would leave his best friend behind in the dark.

Jeno knew he couldn’t ask his parents about this, he just couldn’t. They’d probably brush him off as being too young to know like they did whenever he asked about something they deemed beyond him. Instead he spoke up as soon as the tv program had turned to commercials.

“Know what?” Jaemin sat up from where he was sitting (unusually far away, Jeno had noted when they first sat down, although he couldn’t figure out why it bothered him so much) on the couch. “You can say it Jeno, it’s nothing bad.”

“That you were gay.” He said it quickly, as if his parents might burst in and reprimand their son for talking about such forbidden, adult things.

“I always sorta just knew, you know?” Jaemin said it like it was something as easy as breathing, like he just woke up someday knowing he liked boys and was okay with that. Jeno didn’t know what knowing yourself felt like, but then again he was only twelve. “And then I talked to Taeyong about it and I agreed with a lot of what he mentioned. So yeah, I’m gay.”

Jeno nodded, but fell silent as the cartoon returned, turing over the information in his mind.

“Jeno?” Jaemin was the one to speak up this time and there was uncertainty in his voice again. It reminded Jeno of the way Jaemin had acted earlier, as if he had something to be ashamed of. Jeno hated that Jaemin had to feel that way. He wanted Jaemin to know Jeno would always be there for him, no matter what.

“Yeah?”

“We’ll be ok, right?”

It was like things finally clicked into place and Jeno’s blood ran cold. Jaemin was scared. Scared that this was going to lose Jeno as a friend because he was gay and Jeno knew he could have probably handled things better, but this was all so new that Jeno hadn’t and now he had been the one to make Jaemin feel bad. The gap between them on the couch suddenly felt like a canyon.

Keeping an eye on Jaemin’s expression to make sure he wasn’t uncomfortable, Jeno shifted until he was the one pressed against Jaemin’s side. He knew Jaemin was a touchy person and after being his friend for a couple years, Jeno was used to it, but he never considered himself to crave it until he felt Jaemin beside him and realized just how much he had missed it. “Of course, Jaem.”

Jaemin tensed against Jeno, but then immediately exhaled, melting into his friends side like they had never been apart, but instead fit perfectly together. “Not that I’m going to go around telling everyone now, but you won’t leave me right? Even if others find out and...people can be mean, Jeno.”

Jeno had never felt more certain of something in his life and that fact scared him even if he didn’t want to acknowledge it. “I’m not gonna leave you, Jaemin.”

- 3 -

And Jeno hadn’t.

Not when some kid from their class overheard Jaemin mentioning how a cute male actor was to Jeno in passing.

It was nothing really. Just an offhand comment about how the male lead in the movie they watched the past night had a really cute smile. Even Jeno found himself agreeing with that fact, so he found it weird when a classmate stopped on his way past the duo. Jeno wasn’t sure what was so wrong about it, but the boy (who’s name who he couldn’t even remember) seemed to be very opinionated about it.

It was the first time Jeno had really seen Jaemin shut down. He watched as Jaemin immediately flushed from the unwanted attention of the boy, looking blankly at the floor, not even bothering to stand up for himself.

The Jaemin that Jeno knew argued back with his peers, Jeno, and even teachers when he felt he had been wronged. This time that wasn’t the case and as soon as Jeno registered what the bully was saying he grabbed Jaemin’s hand, leading him away.

Jaemin didn’t speak again until they were tucked away in a corner of the library, his hand still safely linked with Jeno’s. All he mustered was a quiet thank you, settling over Jeno like a weight.

“He’s wrong you know.”

“I know.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

The response was a bit slower this time and Jeno looked up just in time to see a tear slip down Jaemin’s cheek. “I know.”

“Do you want to tell a teacher?”

“It’s not worth it.”

It was then that Jeno realized this likely wasn’t the first time Jaemin had dealt with such kids. Only the first time Jeno was around to witness it. He felt an uncomfortable lump form in his throat and the need to protect Jaemin from all the bad things in the world.

“Will you be ok?” Jeno asked, genuinely hurting for his friend.

Jaemin smiled weakly and nodded, tightening his grip on Jeno’s hand.

Not when the words thrown around turned to punches.

Jeno wished he could travel back in time so he wouldn’t have to come face to face with Jaemin’s bloody face and shaking hands.

Jeno had a sinking reason he knew why Jaemin had texted him an S.O.S from the bathroom, but he didn’t want to be right. “What happened to you?” he asked the second he had found Jaemin hiding in one of the stalls.

“Got hit by a ball in gym.” Jaemin grinned, cocky, only it didn’t reach his eyes. There was blood on his teeth and Jeno felt nausea roll over him in a wave.

There was no way that much damage could be from a ball. One of Jaemin’s eyes was already starting to swell shut and there was blood from a small cut under his eye and crusting under his nose. After another glance Jeno realized his lip was split as well.

And those were only the injuries he could see.

“You didn’t have gym today.” It was a statement, a fact, not a question.

Jeno waited for Jaemin to confirm, to say anything, to say this was all an elaborate prank, but Jeno knew by the way that Jaemin was shaking this was real. Too real for either of them to comprehend.

Slowly, scared a sudden movement might be the thing to break his friend, Jeno took a step forward and opened his arms before stopping to ask, “Is this ok?” Jeno desperately wanted to ask Jaemin ‘ Are you ok ?’, but Jeno knew he wasn’t. He wasn’t dumb, that much was clear.

Even more he wanted to ask who . Who could have done such a thing? Who could have dared to touch Jaemin? What were they thinking? But unfortunately, he already knew what this was about and he knew that even if he begged Jaemin for the names of who had done it the boy would take the secret to his grave.

After a moment of silence, Jaemin nodded and shuffled forward so he was the one to step into Jeno’s embrace. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, Jaemin safe in Jeno’s arms until Jaemin’s breath began to even and the shaking eventually stepped. It was then Jeno pulled back to try and get a better look at his friends injuries.

“We should get you to the nurse.”

“Jen-”

“ Please . I just want to make sure that you’re o- that your injuries get proper treatment.”

Jaemin took another moment to collect himself and just before Jeno thought he would have to resolve to more begging Jaemin spoke up, “Will you come with me?”

What a silly question, Jeno thought. “Of course,” he said, gingerly taking Jaemin’s hand in his own before leading his out of the bathroom.

Not even when Jaemin broke down and admitted he wished to be anything but gay.

“Why me , Jeno?” A pillow was thrown across the room from where they sat on Jaemin’s bed. Moments ago they had been studying before Jaemin just started rambling, his emotions winning over in combination with finally being alone with the only person he was fully comfortable with.

“That’s just who you were made to be,” Jeno said in what he knew was a weak attempt at reassurance. Words had never been his strong point.

“Who decided that? That’s fucked up if you ask me. I never asked for this.” Jeno had never heard his friend swear before (usually too afraid his parents would somehow overhear, even at school) and suddenly he felt the gravity of the situation like never before. “Why didn’t I get to choose? Who looked at me and was like ‘oh look, a perfectly normal boy, lets ruin his life and make him gay so everyone will hate him?’ I don’t want to be gay! I want to be normal .” With the last words finally out, Jaemin dissolved into tears and somewhere in his chest Jeno felt his heart break in two.

For a minute, he just let Jaemin be, but when it became evident that he wasn’t going to stop crying anytime soon, Jeno slowly gathered him in his arms and leaned back so they were laying pressed together in Jaemin’s bed. Before he could even check that it was ok Jaemin hid his face in Jeno’s neck, muffling his sobs and wrapping his arms around Jeno’s middle.

Jaemin pulled himself impossibly closer as if he were trying to escape something and find safety in Jeno and who was Jeno to stop him. It wasn’t easy, seeing his closest friend this broken up. Jeno had known things weren’t perfect, but he hated knowing all of this must have been building for some time in order for Jaemin to react this strongly.

After a couple more minutes of Jeno rubbing his back Jaemin finally began to settle, sobs turning into sniffles and quiet hiccups.

“I don’t hate you,” Jeno voiced once Jaemin’s breathing evened, wanting - no needing - Jaemin to know that fact. He needed Jaemin to know that he had someone on his side, no matter what.

“I know.”

“I don’t think your parents will either.”

From their position Jeno could feel Jaemin tense in his arms and immediately knew those words carried an impact and Jeno could only wonder why. Without Jeno having to ask, Jaemin took the chance to explain, voice nasally from crying so much, “I told my mom a couple weeks ago.” Jeno moved his hand up to cradle the back of Jaemin’s head, playing with his hair as Jaemin calmed himself with another shaky breath. “She told me to stop being silly, that I just hadn’t found the right girl yet, how I can’t be gay since she wants grandkids. Now she just acts like I never told her anything, like everything is still normal and her son is still straight.”

There is was again, the word Jaemin spit out like poison - normal .

Jeno hadn’t known Jaemin came out to his mom. He couldn’t imagine the courage that would have taken and how much it must have hurt Jaemin to be shut down like that.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno found himself saying. He wasn’t too sure what he was apologizing for - Jaemin’s mom maybe, the fact that his friend had to go through any of this, the fact that Jeno didn’t know how to properly comfort him.

“It’s ok. I have you at least.” Jaemin said, a smile on his face. While it was bright like all his others, Jeno knew it was forced, done more out of habit than anything, after being friends for six years Jeno could tell. He briefly wondered how many times Jaemin had to wear that face to look ok, when all he wanted to do was cry. Jeno decided in that moment Jaemin was probably the strongest person he knew.

“Sorry for making things awkward,” Jaemin said after a moment, voice quiet. He looked back at their textbooks now abandoned at the end of the bed, unable to meet Jeno’s eyes.

“You didn’t.”

Jaemin offered a small smile, his eyes still downcast. He was the one to sit up first, running a hand over his face and reaching to pick his textbook up again. “What did you get for question four?”

- 10 -

“Almost ready, Jaem? Donghyuck said they should be here in five.”

There was a commotion from upstairs, followed by Jaemin’s voice. “Yeah, just have to find my flip flops.”

“I can’t believe you wear those things.”

“I can’t believe you’re wearing runners to the beach. You’re gonna have sand in them for years. Have some pride, Jen.” Jaemin yelled from where he was scouring through the closet in his room, Jeno already standing at the front door on the lookout for their friends.

Perfectly on time, Jeno heard a honk that he recognized as Renjun’s truck and seconds later a text followed from Donghyuck ( get ur asses out here xoxo ). Without having to be called again Jaemin appeared at the front door, and Jeno’s brain short circuited after a glance at Jaemin’s outfit and before he knew it Jaemin was out the door, bounding into Renjun’s pickup.

Jeno couldn’t remember who suggested the five of them go to the beach, but he was mentally cursing them out as he made his way to the truck, taking a seat beside Mark and Donghyuck in the back. Honestly, Jeno was thankful he didn’t have to worry about sitting next to Jaemin. The shorts made sense, it was simply too hot to wear anything else, but Jeno had nearly died when he saw the low cut tank top Jaemin had chosen to wear. It made Jeno feel like some kid in sixth grade distracted by some girls shoulders except it wasn’t some girl it was Jaemin and Jeno was wholly unprepared.

“Did you even bother putting on sunscreen, Jaemin?” Donghyuck piped up. So Jeno wasn’t the only one questioning Jaemin’s fashion choices, perfect, that made him feel a bit better.

Jaemin turned from his spot in the passenger seat, the muscles in his arms twisting as he moved and Jeno debated opening the car door and letting natural selection take him. “Of course! Safety first baby.”

Jeno rolled his eyes. “Thank god, because there’s no way I would be dealing with your whiny ass if you got a sunburn.” That earned a laugh from the rest of them even through they all knew it was total bullshit. Jaemin could be dying of the plague and Jeno would still be by his side trying to nurse him back to health.

“Yeah, yeah. You love me,” Jaemin commented, turning back around when Renjun asked him for directions. Jeno huffed, not trusting himself to not confess right then and there. He hoped Mark and Donghyuck were too busy being in love to notice his own miserable love life.

If Jeno had a crisis before he definitely did not manage to put two and two together and figure out they would be at the beach, swimming, until Jaemin was ripping off his tank top running towards the waves. It wasn’t like they had never been swimming before, but now that Jeno was seeing his friend through the rose coloured lenses of love, Jaemin was undeniably more attractive and it was making things difficult for Jeno.

Hoping none of his friends caught him ogling Jaemin, he busied himself with helping Renjun set up the blanket as Mark carried the cooler from the truck. Donghyuck followed behind him, bragging about his strong his boyfriend was as Mark tried to get him to stop, a soft blush on his cheeks. For as long as Jeno had known Mark he got easily flustered by the easiest things, which only got worse when he started dating Donghyuck.

“Is anyone going to join Jaemin or are we letting him burn off some energy first?” Renjun asked, taking a seat on the blanket that was mostly out of the sun, which didn’t surprise anyone. It was a well known fact he hated the heat so he tended to avoid sunlight when he could leading to Donghyuck’s ongoing theory that Renjun was at least some part vampire.

Donghyuck scanned the water until he found where Jaemin was floating on his back like a starfish, his only identifying feature his faded bubblegum hair. “You make him sound like a toddler.”

That earned a laugh from Jeno, his eyes crinkling up. “He is. He texted me last night about how he couldn’t sleep because he was so excited for today.”

It was cute, Jeno couldn’t deny. He loved that no matter what it was about, Jaemin was never afraid to show his true feelings even if some might find it childish.

“I’ll go,” Mark offered, slipping off his shoes (runners too Jeno noted, he wasn’t the only one. Take that Jaemin) and pulling his arms out of his shirt.

By his side Donghyuck started doing the same, “I guess that means I legally have to go to.”

“You’re welcome to stay here.”

Donghyuck didn’t miss a beat. “And miss my hot boyfriend getting shirtless and wet? No thanks.”

Mark looked at the younger in horror as Donghyuck let out a laugh that Jeno could only call devilish. “Oh my god, Hyuck.”

“What? Don’t be a baby, baby. Let’s go,” he said grabbing Mark’s hand before he could change his mind and guided him through the burning sand until they reached the water.

“Are you going to join them?” Renjun asked, pulling out a book from his bag and making himself comfy in the shade.

Jeno contemplated it for a moment before deciding he might let himself drown if he had to be near Jaemin in his current state. He didn’t feel as guilty about staying since Mark and Donghyuck were out too, so it’s not like he was alone. “No I think I’ll pass.” Renjun raised his eyebrow, but didn’t push further. “What are you reading?”

For the next twenty minutes Jeno listened to Renjun retell the plot of his book up until where the main character had to make a big sacrifice to determine if she would save her planet. To Jeno it sounded like half the other books out there, but Renjun seemed to enjoy it, so he tried to play attention to the plot, asking questions where appropriate. In fact, he was so wrapped up in Renjun’s speech that he didn’t see Jaemin approaching until he was in front of Jeno, looking like some Greek god, water dripping off his body.

Jeno tried to swallow but found his throat had gone dry and could only hope he didn’t look as in awe as he felt.

“Jeno, do you think you could put some more sunscreen on my back?” Jaemin asked, flashing his signature smile and Jeno could have died happy right there. Instead the words registered in horror and Jeno whipped his head around to look at Renjun.

“Can’t Ren-” Renjun sent him a look back that shut Jeno up before any other objections could be made. He allowed himself a second to collect himself before facing his doom. “Yeah. Sure. Pass me the sunscreen.” Renjun did. Traitor , Jeno thought and hoped for once that Donghyuck was right and Renjun was a vampire that could read his mind.

Trying his best not to think about it Jeno poured some sunscreen into the palm of his hand, rubbing them together to warm it up, knowing Jaemin would throw a fit otherwise before telling his friend to turn around. Met with Jaemin’s glorious tan back, Jeno cursed out whatever higher power decided to put him in a situation like this. Renjun coughed, jarring Jeno out of what could been a dangerous daydream, maybe he wasn’t a bad friend after all.

“‘s cold,” Jaemin complained the second Jeno’s hands touched his back, immediately jumping under the others touch. To the contrary, Jaemins skin was on fire under Jeno’s hands. He figured the other be at least a bit cold from the ocean, but everywhere Jeno’s hands touched burned him and let him wanting more. It was intoxicating, being able to touch Jaemin as much as he wanted. Sure, Jeno returned Jaemin’s level of skinship more often than not (to the surprise of his other friends), but he always careful not to linger longer than needed. His skin was soft to the touch and Jeno loved the way Jaemin’s muscles felt moving beneath his hands.

Before he knew it, the sunscreen was gone and Jeno jerked his hands away as if prolonged touch would give Jaemin the ability to figure out his crush through some form of osmosis. Jeno muttered a quick all done before sitting back on his legs.

Jaemin turned to thank him, taking up a seat beside Jeno, half sitting on sand. “Are you gonna swim?”

“I don’t think so.”

With a hum Jaemin shifted until he was laying on his side and placed his head on Jeno’s thigh. Jeno froze, not knowing what Jaemin was trying to do other than stop his heart, but not wanting to draw attention to the fact that he was freaking out on the inside. “A-aren’t you going back?”

Jaemin hummed again. This time he placed a hand right above Jeno’s knee and shifted his head a bit until he found a position comfortable enough. “I don’t think so.”

Ignoring the heart attack Jaemin was giving him, Jeno took the opportunity to focus on how cute the other was. The way his pink hair, fluffy and slightly wavy from how it dried without any product, curled into his face, his long eyelashes falling on his cheeks. From this angle, could see the scar, now hidden mostly by his eyebrow, where Jaemin had bashed his head when they were kids on the coffee table at Jeno’s and ran home crying. Jeno felt the strongest urge to brush his hand over it and through Jaemin’s hair. Instead, he kept his hand in a fist at his side.

There were lines he couldn’t cross.

“Do we have any food?” Donghyuck’s voice broke into the moment.  “I’m starving.”

Renjun looked up from his book to the cooler they had brought with them. “Yeah, I think Mark brought some.”

“So here’s the thing guys….” All eyes were on Mark as he opened the container sheepishly, lifting up a watermelon, completely intact. Jeno cocked his head, not too sure what the problem was. The conversation was enough for Jaemin to open his eyes and sit up next to Jeno, still leaning heavily on the other like he wouldn’t be able to exist without contact.

“You brought a whole fucking watermelon?” Donghyuck sputtered, eyebrows raised in amusement. Right away Jeno knew this was something Mark would never get to live down. Jaemin would probably bring it up in his speech at their wedding.

“Yeah.”

“And no knife?” Renjun put his book down, fully joining the conversation now.

Mark ducked his head, a bright blush across his cheeks. “Yeah.”

“Remind me how we’re dating again?” Donghyuck asked, his voice teasing and light.

Mark looked up at his boyfriend, messing up his face as if trying to solve a puzzle. “You love me?”

“Bingo.”

Jaemin coughed, scaring Jeno and drawing all eyes to him. “If you guys are done being gross, we can just go out for dinner then if that’s ok with everyone.”

- 4 -

It wasn’t until grade eight that their duo grew into a larger friend group. Sure, in the meantime they both had friends, acquaintances they talked to in class, but nothing compared to the close bond they shared. Jeno wasn’t too sure why it was just them for so many years. It’s not like they pushed away kids, just nobody seemed to really click.

That was until Lee Donghyuck and Huang Renjun entered the picture.

Donghyuck had been the first addition, coming over to introduce himself to Jeno, asking if he wanted to be partners for their assignment.

“I- uh, I think I already have a partner,” Jeno muttered, looking over to Jaemin for confirmation to an answer he already knew. Sure enough, Jaemin was already crossing the room to Jeno. They were partners, they were always partners when they got to choose in class.

“She said we could work in groups of three,” Donghyuck chirped, grinning like he just solved the worlds hardest riddle. The boys voice was higher than most other kids their age, but Jeno thought it suited him, he looked like he hadn’t lost the last bit of baby fat from his cheeks yet.

Jeno couldn’t find an excuse to refuse Donghyuck and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to, which is why he agreed and proudly announced their new partnership to Jaemin when he arrived at Jeno’s desk.

The project, a presentation on the parts of an animal cell, turned out to be quiet easy once they split up the jobs in between the three of them. Where Jeno had been worried Donghyuck might lack in work, he proved Jeno wrong by exceeding his expectations with a 3D model he had created of the cell. Something that wasn’t even needed but he just did “because I was bored.”

They worked well together Jeno decided one day as he listened to Donghyuck and Jaemin bicker over the wording of their presentation. Where Jeno was more of the reserved type, Donghyuck was more like Jaemin, louder, certain of who he was and stood up for it. Which caused them to butt heads when both thought they were right, but Jeno was always there to break it up before one of them crossed the line.

So when Donghyuck started to hang around the duo outside of class, neither boy objected and soon enough they were an inseparable trio.

Over time, Jeno realized Donghyuk was less like Jaemin that he had first thought. Sure, they were both more extroverted and overly affectionate, but where Jaemin often spoke up to push his point, Donghyuck liked to earn a laugh. He was always acting over the top and goofy to get a reaction and more often than not it worked. More than once Jeno could recall instances where Donghyuck caused enough of a rukus while joking around that he was kicked out of class.  

“Wanna go for ice cream?” Donghyuck had offered once and who were teenage boys to say no. It was like a gold mine to discover the ice cream shop was only minutes away from Donghyuck’s house. There was one on the other side of town too, closer to where Jeno lived, so this was a new discovery for him.

The inside was done up in a retro style, a couple booths to sit it and bubblegum pink tiles checkered in with the black and white ones. From the looks of it, there were even more flavours than the other place Jeno frequented, which was enough to make him grab Jaemin’s arm in excitement. The other boy simply smiled back at him and Jeno felt like he had won the lottery.

“Hey Donghyuck, boys” the boy behind the counter greeted them, dimples evident as he flashed them a welcoming grin.

“Hi Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun turned to grab a scoop, “What can I get you guys today?”

In the end, Jeno went with his usual rocky road instead of trying something new like Jaemin so bravely had. Jaemin had even commented on it, knowing how excited Jeno had been at all the flavours, but to his defence he panicked at the last minute and just went with his default.

“We should come here more often,” Donghyuck spoke up. How he was almost already done his cone astounded Jeno who hadn’t had more than a couple spoonfuls yet.

Beside him, Jaemin nodded enthusiastically as he swallowed the bite (the first time he bit his ice cream Jeno had nearly ended their friendship) he just took. “We definitely should.”

Jeno couldn’t agree more.

Renjun didn’t enter the picture until a couple months later.  

“Meet Renjun!” Donghyuck announced, showing up to lunch one day with the Chinese boy in tow, whisking his arms out to showcase Renjun, ever the flare for dramatics.

Jeno had seen the other around in a couple of their classes, but he usually sat at the very front (the opposite of Jeno), so they had never spoken before. From what Jeno knew, Renjun was one of the smart kids, almost always one to know the answer when the teacher called on someone in class. He would even answer for other students when they were called on while zoning out, which made him a saint in Jeno’s eyes.

“Donghyuck said I should come sit with you guys, I hope that’s ok…” His voice was somehow quieter than Jeno had been expecting, but his prononciation was still very clear, like he spoke with purpose, conscious of every syllable.

It was Jaemin that jumped in with an “Of course!” and that was that.

Renjun felt like another missing puzzle piece to their growing group. He was quiet, but mischievous and often teamed up with Donghyuck for the newest and greatest prank. Jaemin seemed to appreciate his quieter side and even went as far to claim that he was glad he finally had another friend with a brain cell - to which Jeno took offence.   

A couple weeks in, they learnt that Renjun had moved from China and picked up Korean from one of his older cousins that had moved here years before. Not only was he at the top of their class, but Renjun was an excellent storyteller their group had come to learn. It wasn’t uncommon to come across the four of them, all attention on Renjun as he recalled stories from China. Most of them were just mundane, some about the river he used to live by, but they were all equally interesting thanks to Renjun.

By the end of the school year the four of them were inseparable. They spent all their time out of school usually at Jaemin or Donghyuck’s, since they were both closest to walk to after school and Donghyuck’s was closest to the ice cream shop which they were now regular customers at.

To Jeno, there was nothing better than forgetting about his homework and sharing ice cream with his friends, the air conditioning of the store keeping away the growing summer heat. Jaehyun seemed to adore them if the extra scoop of ice cream he sometimes gave was anything to go off of.

He loved how even the teachers started to slack near the end of the year, the freedom of summer growing closer with each day. They barely had any homework left, so they’d take to the streets instead after school, exploring all the corners of the city. While Renjun liked to stop and take pictures every so often (sometimes with his friends for subjects), Jeno liked to try and spot as many stray cats as he could.

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for Jaemin to link his arm through Jeno’s as they walked about as the older tended lag from the group more often than not. Once he had strayed so far trying to follow a cat that Donghyuck threatened to leave him behind in the middle of the city.

They all knew it was an empty threat; Donghyuck had once cried when Renjun missed a day of school. “I was just concerned about who I was gonna get my notes from” was his excuse, but they all knew better than that.  

Neither Donghyuck or Renjun ever commented on how touchy Jaemin was, although Jeno figured Donghyuck wasn’t much better off with his level of affection. Occasionally, only because the thoughts never truly left him, Jeno wondered how their two friends would react if they knew Jaemin was gay. It was something Jeno hated thinking about, he hated thinking his friends might not accept Jaemin for something as simple as who he loved, but it was an unfair fear he now knew to keep close.

It’s not like it was something Jaemin hid, that wasn’t who he was, but it was also not something he broadcast unnecessarily. It was something only time would tell, but Jeno knew worst come to worst he would always be by Jaemin’s side.

- 5  -

It was a tradition for the two to camp out in Jeno’s backyard for Jaemin’s birthday. After the party, after being tired out of social interactions, but not of each other, they would walk down the street with arms full of supplies to set up the tent.

Once they were satisfied with the layout of the tent, the boys would play outside in the yard long past dark until it got too cold to be out without a blanket. Only then would they trek back to the tent, curling up side by side in sleeping bags. From then, the night turned to talking and as the years passed, it turned more serious.

After talking about the theoretical existence of aliens (something that Renjun had sparked interested about with his stories because he himself was so certain of their existence) a comfortable silence fell over both of them. All Jeno could hear was the sound of the cicadas and the wind between the tree branches.

It was small, but there was an itch in the back of Jeno’s head, a thought that had been plaguing him for some time now. It was something he had yet to admit outloud, but he felt if he didn’t speak up to fill the silence he might lose the little confidence he had.

“Jaemin.” Jeno wasn’t too sure if his friend had fallen asleep yet and he figured if that was the case it was a sign from the universe that what he was about to do was wrong.

“Hm?” Jaemin asked, turning in his sleeping bag to face Jeno. Even in the dark Jeno could see how bright his eyes were, how he gave Jeno his full attention. Jeno’s heart clenched.

Jeno was shaking, he hoped it was dark enough that Jaemin couldn’t tell. He took a deep breath to calm himself, counting one, two, three. He wanted to sound confident and sure of himself before he spoke up because in the moment he felt anything but.

“I think I’m gay.”

For a moment Jaemin didn’t reply, only looked back at Jeno and Jeno’s heart dropped through his chest. Had he said something wrong? Suddenly they were laying too close. Jeno wanted out of the tent, he wanted to run across town, maybe leave the country.

“Yeah?” Jaemin asked softly. Jeno still couldn’t read the expression on his friends face and it bothered him more than he cared to admit. Over the years Jeno had gotten better at reading Jaemin’s emotions and the fact that he was struggling during such a crucial moment unnerved him.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and- I mean, I don’t have any experience with, well anyone really, but yeah.” Jeno knew that wasn’t a very good reasoning but he couldn’t seem to find words to fit his thoughts.

“So, you like boys?”

“Yes.”

“Have you told anyone else?”

“No.”

“Why me then?” The look on Jaemin’s face shifted to confusion and Jeno let out a quiet sigh of relief.

“I needed to tell someone, I mean I’m not certain. I feel like I should know but I- I don’t and I don’t really know anyone…” Jeno guestered wildly with his hands in the air, hoping Jaemin got what he was saying, “other than you. I don’t really trust anyone other than you and I needed to tell someone. I hoped you wouldn’t judge me at least, because you know...I don’t know...if I’m gay or not,” Jeno trailed off, his voice growing quieter towards the end.

Jaemin’s eyes were so soft, so full on concern that as soon as they met Jeno’s, he tore his gaze away cowardly. Jeno knew Jaemin was kind. He had once joked about having too much love inside him and Jeno had never had it so solely directed at him, that it caught him off guard.

“That’s ok. If you don’t know, I mean.”

“How did you know for sure?” Jeno felt like he was twelve again, sitting on his couch with Jaemin.

“When I thought about it, I had never really had a crush on a girl and I don’t think I ever will. There were plenty of guys I looked up to though and I realized I confused wanting to be them with liking- being attracted to them. You can still like girls, Jeno. That’s ok too. ”

“Oh.”

“Just think about it, alright?” Jaemin waited until Jeno nodded before continuing on, ”Don’t stress yourself out about it like I know you probably will. It’s ok to not have all the answers right away, Jen.”

“Damn, Jaemin, since when did you get so wise?” Jeno smiled, feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders. How did he ever get lucky enough to have Na Jaemin as his best friend. Deep down he knew there had been nothing to be worried about with telling Jaemin, but one could never be too sure.

That made Jaemin laugh, one of Jeno’s favorite things to do (and he would be the first to admit it), and suddenly everything was back to normal between them. “What do you mean? I’ve always been this smart,” he retorted and they both fell quiet again.

This time, Jeno didn’t feel the need to break this silence. In fact, he had almost drifted off to sleep before Jaemin’s voice jolted him back awake.

“You better sleep now and not stay awake overthinking things,” Jaemin said with a yawn. At the same time, he pulled the sleeping bag up until it was tucked right under his nose.

“You look like a marshmallow,” Jeno was grinning and if his heart was fluttering in his chest he paid it no attention. It felt like the start of something.

“Shut up,” Jaemin pouted, but Jeno didn’t miss the hint of a small smile. “Goodnight, Jeno.”

“Goodnight Jaemin.”

- 11 -

It had been awhile since they had done this. Even with school out, the boys rarely found time outside of their jobs where it lined up to hang out. Further, it had not been just Jeno and Jaemin in so, so long. It wasn’t like Jeno was trying to intentionally avoid being one on one with his closest friend turned crush turned potential love of his life, but that’s just the way things worked out.

Jeno’s parents were out for the night, leaving Jeno behind to watch his sister - not that he thought she needed supervision now at her age, but he could never say no to his parents. At least he had been allowed to have Jaemin over since his mother adored the younger and treated him as another son at this point.

“It’s been awhile, huh?” Jaemin asked, from where he was sitting on the floor, back against Jeno’s bed. He was dressed in black jeans and a faded graphic tee that made him look so casual that it hurt Jeno. Sure, they saw each other almost every day and Jaemin wasn’t one to dress up often, but there had always been something so ethereal to the other boy that times like this where he looked so boyish and human that took Jeno’s breath away.

So maybe he was a bit whipped.

Recently Jaemin had dyed his hair back to a dark brown and somehow Jeno loved it even more than the soft pink. It made him look so much more like the Jaemin that had first stolen Jeno’s heart, long before he even knew it himself.

“Jeno, are you even listening?” Jaemin slapped the bed to get Jeno’s attention, their eyes meeting with a curious look on Jaemin’s face.

“Huh?”

“It’s been awhile since it was just the two of us hanging out. I missed it.”

Pure happiness flushed through Jeno at the comment. He was well aware that Jaemin liked to spend time with him, especially when Donghyuck liked to claim he was boring, but Jaemin had never been afraid to voice it. That didn’t mean Jeno was any less happy when he heard it.

“I’ve missed it too,” he said softly. Like when they were kids, Jeno shifted to sit beside Jaemin on the floor, stretching out his legs and leaning back against the bed. So many times before they had sat in the same position, homework cast aside, talking about the dumbest shit.

“So what’s new?” Jaemin asked, knocking his knee against Jeno’s.

“Jaem, it’s only been like a week since we saw each other.”

“Yeah but like forever since it was just us hanging out. What’s new at work? Any update on your crush?”

That comment was enough to make Jeno freeze.

To his chagrin, Donghyuck had outright pestered Renjun, Jaemin, and Jeno about if they had a crush since he was tired of seeing them all single apparently. More like tired of the three of them constantly bugging him and Mark about being a gross, cheesy, in love couple Jeno figured. Either way, he had adamantly denied having a crush but apparently one downside to being best friends with Jaemin for years was he knew when you were lying.

Out of the ears of the others, Jeno had broken down to admit that he had a crush just so Jaemin would stop pouting (it was the puppy dog eyes okay? Jeno was weak), but had refused to give him a name. There had been many ways in which Jeno had imagined confessing to Jaemin but that moment was not one of them.

Jeno tried to play it cool, hoping Jaemin wouldn’t push too much. “Yeri is on vacation this week, so I’ve been picking up a couple extra hours. Also no to the crush.”

“You still haven’t told me who it is,” Jaemin whined, resting his head on Jeno’s shoulder while tiling his head to still try and hold eye contact from the odd angle. His breath tickled Jeno’s neck.

“It’s not important, nothing is gonna come from it.” Jeno hoped his voice didn’t sound as strained as he felt it was. This wasn’t the right time for a confession either, even if it was just the two of them.

“How do you know if you won’t even give them a chance?”

“Him,” Jeno admitted. He could give Jaemin that much, maybe that would help him back off for a bit.  

Jaemin gave him a wicked grin and Jeno flushed under his gaze, quickly going back to stare at the wall. “Noted.”

“Have you started any new dramas?” Jeno asked as a last ditch attempt to change the subject.

Jaemin shook his head and Jeno could feel it on his shoulder; a piece of Jaemin’s hair stuck up, ticking his nose. Jeno snorted, trying to move it and when they didn’t work he flattened it down himself, using the change to run his hand through Jaemin’s hair, brushing it back to watch it fall back to it’s normal look.

“Nothing has caught my attention lately.”

There was a natural lull of silence before Jaemin spoke up again. “Hey Jeno.”

Jeno hummed in response.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Those five words were on a list of things Jeno would have never expected to leave Jaemin’s mouth, although maybe he should have seen it coming. Jaemin was always the romantic of their group, always going out on dates that fell short. He complained about Mark and Donghyuck a lot, but Jeno knew he just wanted a relationship of his own.

“What do you think?” Jeno replied, words sticky in his mouth. Jaemin could say anything in response and Jeno would probably miss it due to the blood rushing in his ears. The question itself was puzzling to Jeno because he thought it would be common knowledge to Jaemin that he had never been on a date before, let alone have kissed someone.

“Well I was just thinking since you haven’t told me about this crush of yours even though you promised I’d be the first to know, there might be something else you’re hiding.”

“I’m not hiding anything from you, Jaemin.” Although, Jeno had to admit the other had a point and he felt a little guilty about not telling Jaemin, especially since a promise was a promise, but Jeno simply wasn’t ready yet.

“You really haven’t kissed anyone?”

Jeno didn’t know why Jaemin needed to know so bad. “Have you?”

“Do you want to?” Jaemin asked, dodging the question.

That got Jeno’s attention. “Like now? With you?” He tried to keep humor in is voice so Jaemin couldn’t catch on to the butterflies building in his stomach.  

“Why not?”

Oh. Oh , Jeno had not been expecting that. He was so sure Jaemin would have laughed in his face saying it was all a joke, this was not something Jeno was prepared for. His heart was hammering in his chest and for a moment Jeno thought it might actually explode before he remembered to breathe.

When there was no reply Jaemin picked himself off Jeno’s shoulder, crossing his legs instead and turning so he could look at Jeno. “You can say no, Jen. I won’t be hurt, but the offer is out there if you ever want to like practice or something.”

Drawn by a pull of possibilities Jeno’s gaze landed on Jaemin’s lips, tongue darting out to his own subconsciously.  “Sure.” Jeno couldn’t believe his own voice.

“Wait, sure you’ll keep it in mind or sure you want to lock lips?” Looking at Jaemin was to much. Jaemin had always had an intense look that Jeno had thought he was immune too, but instead he found himself wanting to hid under Jaemin’s prying eyes. Suddenly the room felt too hot, Jeno felt too vulnerable.  

“Why would you say it like that?” Jeno groaned, pulling his knees up to his chest so he could duck his face into them. Somehow he could still feel Jaemin watching his reactions. He could only imagine the charming smile on Jaemin’s face, the one he used when he knew an argument and the one that Jeno adored.

Jaemin seemed to have enough courtesy to wait until Jeno grew brave enough to lift his head again, this time shifting to mirror Jaemin’s pose. When they were facing each other Jeno couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Jaemin was, it felt like he was practically glowing and nerves aside Jeno knew he wanted to kiss him. Jeno regretted nearly everything the second Jaemin opened his mouth again.

“What you don’t want to snog? Canoodle? Swap sp-”

“Stop, oh my god .” Jeno threw his head into his hands, hoping his blush wasn’t evident. It was unfair how easily Jaemin could fluster him while remaining unfazed himself.

“You can stop me if you want,” Jaemin said softly, his voice suddenly closer than Jeno remembered. Not moving his hands, Jeno peeked through his fingers to see Jaemin’s eyes directly in front of his own. The butterflies did another rapid lap around his stomach.

Jeno nodded out of fear of ruining the moment if he spoke up. Gently, Jeno felt Jaemin’s fingers lock around his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face before one of Jaemin’s hands moved up to cup his cheek. The look in Jaemin’s eyes was not something Jeno was used too. He looked sincere Jeno figured, with something else mixed in that he couldn’t quite figure out.

Wanting to do something, anything, with his hands rather than keeping them at his side  Jeno settled for setting them on Jaemin’s thighs which earned an amused look from the boy. To his dismay, Jeno flushed again, this time not bothering to hide it. There was something about Jaemin that just affected Jeno more than anyone else. It probably had something to do with the fact he loved the other, but Jeno chose to ignore that fact.

Jeno wasn’t sure how many times he had pictured his first kiss with Jaemin going, but somehow it taking place in his room after their so many shared memories in here just made sense. Heart racing, Jeno’s eyes fluttered shut of his own accord as he felt Jaemin’s breath against his lips.

“Jeno!” There was a sharp knock at the door and Jeno all but launched himself backwards. He took a second to thank his parents for teaching his sister such good manners or else he would have a lot more explaining to do.

Jeno took a quick breath to collect himself while quickly glancing over to find Jaemin busying himself by looking at the carpet.

“Yeah?” His voice cracked. Great. He could hear Jaemin snort from where he sat

“Grandpa’s on the phone,” she said opening the door to offer up the phone. Jeno grabbed it from her quickly, nodding a quick thanks.

“I’ll get going,” Jaemin mouthed as Jeno brought the phone up to his ear. As much as he wanted to tell Jaemin to stay, Jeno knew the moment was long gone and for all he knew Jaemin was coming to his senses about how foolish it would have been to kiss his best friend. Jeno nodded as he greeted his grandpa, mouthing a quick I’m sorry as Jaemin left his room.

- 6 -

Things changed all the time. Trees lost their leaves in the fall, Jeno’s little sister cut her hair, Renjun decided he was going to sit in the back of class with his friends (“At least until it starts affecting my grades,” he claimed) and while their friend group had stayed the same over the past year, change was due.

What Jeno didn’t know, was that change would come in the shape of a Canadian transfer student named Mark Lee.

“I wanna be his friend,” Donghyuck declared at lunch as he watched Mark walk past their table to take a seat alone.

“You want to be everyone’s friend,” Jeno countered earning a scowl from the boy.

“Why don’t you invite him to sit with us?” Renjun said and Jeno got a strange feeling of deja vu.

Donghyuck laughed, picking up his tray, “And let you guys weird him out on his first day? No way.”

The other three watched him go and silently Jeno wished him the best of luck. Not that Donghyuck would need it. His personality was bright enough to draw everyone to him. Sure he was mischievous, but he was also observant and was also usually the first of their group to notice if something was wrong with another. He filled in all the awkward silences and always encouraged everyone to participate in the conversation if they had something to say.

Sometimes Jeno wished he could be more like Donghyuck, so effortlessly friendly and warm. Drawing everyone to him - a friend to all.

Then again, Jeno was more than content with his little group of friends and he wouldn’t trade them for the world.

The change didn’t happen all at once. It was slower, gradual.

Donghyuck talked about Mark daily, but was yet to introduce him to the rest of his friends. Which, understandably, caused a bit of tension within the group as they grew more impatient with wanting to meet the mysterious Mark Lee, but also respecting Donghyuck enough to give him the time.

“Come on, Hyuck. Stop being greedy with the new boy. We deserve to meet him too.”

They had finally found a day when the four of them managed to gather outside of school, no homework hanging over their heads. They had gone out for ice cream, as per Jaemin’s request. Both Donghyuck and Jeno had tried to argue it was too cool for ice cream, to which Jaemin simply countered that there was never a wrong time for ice cream and well, they couldn't argue with that.

“Mark doesn’t deserve you guys,” Donghyuck claimed.

Jeno laughed at that, sticking his spoon back in his bowl of rocky road ice cream. “Yeah, we’ve heard. Mark Lee deserves the world,” He mimicked in his best Donghyuck impression, earning a laugh from the others.

“Just invite your crush along one day and introduce him, Lee Donghyuck. How else can we pester you, if we don’t know him?” Jaemin jabbed his spoon forward as if it was some kind of threat, a playful gleam in his eye.

“Exactly!” Donghyuck explained, surprising Jeno. Here he was thinking Donghyuck would deny Jaemin’s claims of having feelings for another boy, but instead he rolled with it so casually.

“Aha!” Jaemin’s outburst got them a glare from the lady (Jaehyun was gone on vacation for the week, but he left with the promise of extra ice cream when he was back) stuck at the front counter and Jeno silently sent her an apology.

Renjun’s eyes lit up with curiosity. “So, you admit you have a crush on Mark Lee?”

“It wasn’t obvious? I’m going to marry that boy someday.”

Marry ? Jeno hoped he managed to hide his surprise over how offhanded Donghyuck brought up marriage with another man. He made it sound so natural, so normal that Jeno wondered if coming out really could just be that easy. Maybe for people like Donghyuck it could be. Renjun didn’t seemed too concerned over this fact either.

Maybe Jeno didn’t have to worry as much around his friends.

“You’ve known him for like ten days now, Duckie,” Jaemin countered, acting like the voice of reason for once. Jeno felt the need to remind him that Jaemin fell in love with a new actor five minute into every new drama he started, but chose to just nudge him under the table, hoping Jaemin would get the message.  

“Yes. And?”

“Hey-”

“Jeno, no time for logic now, I’m finally getting somewhere with this,” Renjun cut him off, dragging his hand (still holding his ice cream cone in it) across his throat as a warning. As unthreatening as it seemed, Jeno knew better than to piss off Renjun for any reason. For as small as he was Renjun was a force to reckon with and they had all learnt that the hard way, ending up in a headlock more than once.

All Jeno did was huff, more than used to Renjun’s antics at this point, “This?”

Renjun rolled his eyes, effectively saving himself from having to say duh . “Donghyuck’s major crush on Mark Lee. Haven’t you been paying attention?”

“It’s not maj-”

“Hyuck, you just said you were gonna marry him,” Jaemin cut in.

Donghyuck shut his mouth faster than Jeno had ever seen and the sheepish look on his face was enough to make Jeno laugh at how Jaemin had just shut him down. “Point taken,” he muttered.

Donghyuck continued on his goal of keeping his friends and his crush separate until Jaemin had enough and declared they were all going out to the movies and he was going to invite Mark himself.

“Don’t you dare try to get out of this one, Hyuck,” he had threatened and perhaps unsurprisingly, as Jaemin had a way of swaying people, it worked.

Friday night Jeno found himself strolling down to the theatre, Jaemin by his side. The others - including Mark according to a message from Renjun - were already there and had gotten tickets already since Jeno and Jaemin were running so behind.

“Come on slowpoke,” Jaemin said, reaching out to grab Jeno’s hand and drag him along as if it wasn’t his fault they were so behind in the first place. If their hands fit perfectly together, Jeno opted to ignore the fact. Sure he was used to Jaemin’s affectionate nature, but lately it had been getting the better of him, causing tiny sparks of electricity to jump off his skin whenever Jaemin was in his vicinity. The walk to the theatre went by too fast and soon enough Jeno could see the forms of his friends standing impatiently by the front door.

“Took you long enough,” Renjun chided slipping his phone back in his pocket.

Opting to ignore him, Jaemin stuck his hand out (the one not still holding Jeno’s) and introduced him to Mark. “I’m Jaemin, nice to finally meet you.” He threw a glance at Donghyuck were he was standing at Mark’s side.

“Nice to meet you too,” Mark said cheerfully, seemingly blissfully unaware of the happenings between Jaemin and Donghyuck. “I’ve heard a lot about you guys.”

Mark was cute. Jeno could easily see why Donghyuck had a crush on the boy and he barely personally knew him. If he really was as sweet and kind as Donghyuck claimed he was Jeno could only wish for the best between his friends. The last thing he wanted to see was for Donghyuck to get hurt.

Jeno laughed at that, almost surprised at the fact. “We’ve heard a lot about you too.”

“Yeah, all about your nice ha-” Donghyuck moved at the speed of light, slapping his hand over Renjun’s mouth, leaving a frightened look on Mark’s face.

“We should probably go in, the movie in gonna start in a bit,” Jaemin said, stepping in before Renjun could manage to get an arm around Donghyuck. Mark nodded and took off leading the group with Donghyuck and Renjun following. Jaemin uttered a quiet behave to the two of them before tugging Jeno along, their hands still linked.

- 12 -

“So are you gonna tell us what happened between you and Jaemin?”

Honestly, Jeno should have seen the question coming after appearing Jaemin-less to Donghyuck’s house. As it was currently, Donghyuck was rifling through his closet, trying to find something suitable for a date night with Mark as Jeno and Renjun sat on his bed, the judge and jury of his outfit choices.

Usually Jaemin would be crammed in between them on the bed, his self claimed spot beside Jeno. Usually Jeno would be the one to pass the invite along, but it was already a couple days past their almost kiss with no word from Jaemin so the invitation was forgotten. They just all thought Jaemin was sick.

Jeno decided to try for his normal level of innocence. “What do you mean?”

One of Donghyuck’s shirts came flying in his direction, narrowly missing taking out one of Jeno’s eyes. “Don’t try to bullshit us, Lee Jeno.” Or maybe not.

“Yeah, you’ve been acting super weird around him lately.”

Jeno debated how much he wanted to say before just deciding fuck it.“We almost kissed,” he admitted, heart beating a wicked rhythm. Even indirectly, it was the first time he had told someone other than Jaemin about his attraction to boys.

“You what?” Donghyuck shrieked at the same time Renjun let out an, ”About damn time.”

That got Jeno’s attention. He looked over at Renjun beside him on the bed. “You knew I like boys?”

“My gaydar has never been wrong,” Renjun claimed proudly. “But really, I don’t care who you love, Jeno. You’re my friend no matter what.”

Jeno grinned, pulling Renjun into a side hug tight enough to wind them both until Renjun hit is leg asking to be let go. Donghyuck threw a pair of black pants on the end of the bed, earning a quick thumbs up from both his friends.

“Mark thought you and Jaemin were a thing for the first like year until he asked Jaemin if he wanted to go on a double date and Jaemin showed up with that Dejun guy. You should have seen Mark’s face! He was ready to fight Jaemin right then and there because he thought Jaemin was cheating on you.”

The story was enough to have Jeno in stitches, nearly falling off the narrow bed. He could perfectly picture how wronged Mark must have felt in that moment. Hell, he knew Mark was a little slow, but he couldn’t believe Mark really thought he was dating Jaemin. In my dreams, Jeno thought.

Renjun was the first to get back on track. “When was this kiss?”

“We didn’t actually kiss and like two days ago?” Jeno ducked his head, playing with the threads on Donghyuck’s blanket. It seemed so much more real admitting it out loud.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe Jaemin never told me about this.”

Jeno had never considered that Jaemin would have talked to Donghyuck about this stuff before, but then again here he was. “Why would he when he’s ashamed of it?”

“Why would you think that?” Renjun asked, he sounded genuinely curious and .

“He practically ran out of my house before we could.”

“What do you mean?”

Jeno took the next couple minutes to relay the events of the night, editing out a majority of what his true feelings were, not quite ready to admit those yet. With levels of attention Jeno had never seen unless Renjun was the one talking, the two boys listened. Donghyuck even taking a break from going through his closet and coming to sit on the bed with them.

“Oh honey,” Donghyuck all but cooed. Now it was Jeno’s turn to be confused.

“I don’t think he was ashamed, Jeno.”

With a frown, he turned to Renjun. “Why wouldn’t he be?” Obviously Jaemin had some regrets the moment after almost kissing his friend, which was only confirmed with his avoidance.

“Because he-” Renjun elbowed Donghyuck in the ribs before he could continue. That earned him a glare from Donghyuck and a questionable glance from Jeno which Renjun chose to ignore.

“Have you tried talking to him at all?”

Jeno shook his head.

“Maybe you should.” Renjun suggested like it was the easiest thing in the world and Jeno knew it was a good idea. He missed Jaemin after all. How was he supposed to bring it up? Hi, I know we haven’t talked in what feels like forever since we almost kissed and I know you probably want to put that behind us, but I don’t regret a second of it. No, that wasn’t it.

Jeno groaned. Why did these things have to be so difficult. “What should I say?”

“Your feelings maybe? I don’t want to assume anything, but if you were ready to kiss him…”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it.” Jeno ran a hand through his hair trying to stay calm even though he felt anything but. His friends were really trying to get him to confess to his crush and Jeno was out here really considering it. It’s not like he hadn’t pictured it before in his daydreams. Jaemin’s laugh and shy looks and the blush on his cheeks and him jumping into Jeno’s arms to kiss him.

“I want to tell him. I really do and I have for awhile, but what if he doesn’t feel the same? I don’t want to lose him. He’s my best friend.”

“It’s not my place but I don’t think you will, Jen. You just need to talk to him ok?” The smile Renjun offered was warm and Jeno was so, so grateful for his friends.

“Great, now that that’s done can we get back to my issue,” Donghyuck said, jumping up from the bed and digging back into his mountain of clothes.

“Which one?” Jeno asked, sticking his tongue out even though Donghyuck couldn’t see him.

“Oh, shut up. Help me pick out an outfit to seduce my boyfriend tonight.”

- 7 -

“Jeno?”

The tone of Jaemin’s voice sent a spark of panic cursing through Jeno’s body and he pressed the phone closer to his ear. “Jaemin, what’s wrong?”

Even through the phone Jaemin’s voice sounded quieter than usual, “Can you come pick me up?”

“Of course. Text me the address?” Jeno’s phone buzzed a second later and he opened maps before grabbing his keys and running out the door. The night seemed to match the mood, it was already dark thanks to storm clouds and rain had been falling steadily all day. It didn’t help with his nerves. Jeno would consider himself a cautious driver, but in the moment he felt anything but, even going as far as to running a red light when it changed at the last second.

He kept reminding himself to breathe, trying to squish the feeling of anxiety wrapped around his stomach. He knew Jaemin had a date today, it was all their friend group had heard about for the last week, but they all knew he was excited so nobody said otherwise. Jaemin had been on plenty of dates by now, plenty of failed dates, but never once had he called Jeno. That fact itself was what was burrowing its way under Jeno’s skin.

Almost twenty minutes later Jeno pulled up in front of an unfamiliar cafe, spotting Jaemin’s familiar form hunched in the doorway to avoid the rain before he even stepped out of the car.  

“Hey,” Jeno spoke up as to not spook his friend, stepping onto the sidewalk and narrowly missing a puddle. He reached out a hand to Jaemin’s elbow to get his attention.

Jaemin whipped around, red-rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks and Jeno’s heart sank. When he realized it was Jeno he let out a low whine, curling into where Jeno was already wrapping an arm around his waist, guiding him back to the vehicle.

Once in the vehicle, Jeno did a quick one over of Jaemin, checking for any obvious harm to the other, but not finding any. Just his feelings then.

“Jaem.” There was no response, Jaemin’s head already pressed against the window, eyes closed tight. “Jaemin, please look at me.”

Miraculously that worked, Jaemin’s eyes meeting Jeno’s were pleading and while Jeno felt slightly better with Jaemin in his sight, the nerves in the pit of his stomach were still there. He hated seeing Jaemin like this more than anything. “Can we just go home Jen?”

Jeno nodded. “My place or yours?”

“Yours.” Came the reply and Jeno was off in a heartbeat, foot on the gas, eager to get Jaemin to safety.

Jaemin made himself right at home as soon as they reached Jeno’s, throwing off his shoes and dashing up the stairs to throw himself on Jeno’s bed when he reached it. At this point in their friendship Jeno’s house truly was Jaemin’s second home and the thought made Jeno warm. He didn’t linger on it as he followed Jaemin up to his room, taking a seat on the edge of his bed.   

Jeno let Jaemin be for as long as he needed, opting to go on his phone, the only noise between then the repetitive music of the game Jeno was playing.

“Can I change?” It wasn’t an odd request from Jaemin. There had been too many impromptu sleepovers for Jeno to find Jaemin wearing his clothes odd, although he got a feeling of satisfaction each time he saw Jaemin wearing something that was his . They were around the same size, but Jaemin still somehow looked smaller in Jeno’s clothes, which was something Jeno found so endearing, but was yet to admit that fact to himself.

Jeno looked up from his phone to see Jaemin staring back at him and it was then Jeno realized he had been caught daydreaming about his best friend wearing his clothes instead of answering his request. The slightly dressed up shirt Jaemin had chosen to wear for his date was probably highly uncomfortable by now.

“Yeah, find whatever fits.” Jeno guestered to his closet doors, letting Jaemin have free rein of whatever he wanted. It takes a couple minutes of watching Jaemin hold stuff up to himself to determine whether it fits, before he starts to strip and Jeno moves his eyes back to his game at the speed of light.

It’s not like they haven’t changed in front of each other before either. Jeno’s never had a problem with it before, but now he feels like it's scandalous to see Jaemin like this. A moment later Jaemin flops back on the bed now in a pair of Jeno’s sweatpants and a loose shirt. Jeno is sure his ears are red, but thankfully Jaemin doesn’t say a word.

They fall into a comfortable silence again and Jeno is tempted to break it, curiosity about why Jaemin reached out to him after this date in particular burning away in his mind. When he looks over through, Jaemin is laying on his back, arms over his eyes, seemingly asleep and Jeno doesn’t want to disturb him. Instead he shifts so his back is against the wall, legs spread out over the foot of the bed, placing his legs lightly over Jaemin’s as to not wake him.

“What if nobody ever loves me Jeno,” Jaemin asks, causing Jeno to mess up his game, not aware that the other had been awake.

Jeno pauses his game, clicking his phone off to give Jaemin his full attention. “Are you kidding me? Practically half the school is in love with you.”

Jaemin groans and immediately Jeno knows he said the wrong thing to say not matter how true.

“Listen, we’re young Jaemin. You have lots of time to find someone who loves you and trust me, they’re out there. Someone is going to be so lucky to be yours one day Jaemin and they’ll treat you like the prince you are. You’re amazing and sweet and handsome and so loveable. Your smile lights up any room you walk into and you’re so kind to everyone you meet. Even if you don’t see it you’re adored by so many people, Jaemin.”

“Jeno.” Jaemin sniffled and even with his arms still thrown over his face Jeno could see a tear running down his cheek. “Stop I’m gonna cry.”

“Dumbass, you already are.” Lifting his legs, Jeno shifted until he was laying pressed between the wall and Jaemin. Slowly, Jeno lifted Jaemin’s arms away from his face and ran his thumb over Jaemin’s cheek wiping away the tears.

“Jaemin it’s ok not to have everything figured out, you know that right? I know you have a lot of love to give, but one day you’ll find a person that can match it and give everything you deserve back.”

Jaemin laughed weakly. “Damn since when do you know so much about love? Have you been dating behind my back this whole time?”

It was Jeno’s turn to laugh and honestly he was just glad Jaemin seemed to be acting more like his usual self. “Oh please, you would be the first to know.”

“Would I?” Jaemin wiggled his eyebrows mischievously and suddenly the distance between them was far too close for Jeno. He could see every eyelash, the flick of gold in his eyes, every blemish on Jaemin’s skin. It was all too much.

“Of course,” Jeno said, sitting up quick enough to cause all the blood to rush to his head, anything to put some distance between them.  

“Do you have a crush?” Jaemin asked, causing Jeno’s head to spin again. He hadn’t been lying, Jaemin would definitely be the first to know of Jeno’s crush and his face flushed at the thought.

“No,” Jeno lied and it must have been convince enough because for once Jaemin didn’t push further. Instead, he grabbed Jeno’s phone asking him to explain the newest game he’s been addicted to.

- 13 -

Jeno wasn’t sure if he had ever been this nervous before in his life.

He definitely hadn’t been this nervous the first time he had visited Jaemin’s house as a kid, standing outside the (then tall) red door. Things were different now. Thirty minutes after leaving Donghyuck’s, he had texted Jaemin to ask if he could come over and talk. Now, Jeno found himself standing outside of Jaemin’s house, finger hesitating over enter where he had typed in a message to let Jaemin know he was here.

Before he could gather the courage to send the text the door whipped open and Jeno found himself standing in front of Jaemin.

“Hi,” he said quietly, offering a small smile. Jeno’s heart dropped when Jaemin didn’t respond, just stepped aside to let Jeno in. The anxiety he had been feeling took a strong grip on his stomach and Jeno briefly wondered if this had been a horrible idea. Jaemin didn’t look happy to see him at all.

They stood in the front entrance, an awkward tension between them before Jaemin spoke up finally, suggesting they go to his room. Jeno followed him, sending a quick hello to Jaemin’s mom where she was sitting in their living room. She smiled and waved back; Jeno had always liked her.

“So,” Jaemin started, taking a seat on his bed and running his hand through his hair. Even now, Jeno was undeniably attracted to him; he sorta just wanted to die. Jaemin waited until Jeno was seated at his desk across the room before continuing. “Wanna explain why you’ve been avoiding me?”

“I haven’t.” Jaemin raised his eyebrow and Jeno knew he was seconds from trying to call bullshit. “I thought you were the one avoiding me. I mean you ran off and never texted back, what was I supposed to think? I thought you wanted space.”

Jeno had to admit he was a bit confused. He had thought the silence from Jaemin was a clear sign he regretted what they had almost done and no longer wanted anything to do with Jeno, which hurt him more than he cared to admit. Never once had he stopped to think that Jaemin might be the one thinking Jeno was the one who wanted space.

“I thought I disgusted you and when I didn’t hear back from you I took that as a sign,” Jaemin explained quietly.

“I guess it’s sorta both our fault then.” Jeno laughed weakly and Jaemin gave him a small nod. This was progress Jeno figured, they knew neither were actually avoiding each other, so what came next?

From across the room, Jaemin took a breath to steady himself. “Do you regret it?”

Almost kissing me were the words left unsaid but Jeno knew well enough what Jaemin was talking about. It wasn’t like him to dodge the topic, that was usually Jeno’s job, but he figured he could let Jaemin away with it this time. Mirroring Jaemin, Jeno took deep breath before replying.

“No.” Jeno had never felt so certain in his life. This might have been the one thing he wanted more than anything else and for once he didn’t feel like he had to be scared to admit it. After all Jaemin knew him better than anyone. “Not at all.”

It was Jaemin’s turn to look confused. “Wait, what?”

Now or never, Jeno thought. “Jaemin, can I say something?” Jaemin nodded.

“First off, I’m sorry for not texting you back. Even if I thought you wanted to avoid me I should have at least reached out to make sure you were ok.” Jeno resisted the urge to look down at his hands instead focusing on the wall above Jaemin’s head where there was a rather large chip in the paint.

“That’s ok-”

Jeno stopped him. “It’s not really, I want to be better than that for you.” Despite it being the boldest thing Jeno had done, he barely felt any nerves from before. It truly felt like the right moment and Jeno wasn’t about to shy away from it. “Oh my god, I have no idea how to say this. Ok, just gonna go for it. I like you, like more than a friend. I have for awhile now.”

“Jeno…”

“ Wait , please. I didn’t say anything because I was scared to lose you. I’ve always seen you as someone so strong and confident with who you are and I think I finally am now too and you’ve played a big part in it. You light up every room you enter and I love knowing you’re by my side. I really like you, Jaemin.” Jeno gulped, pushing ahead even though he was quickly losing courage with every second that went on. Suddenly it seemed like one of his worse ideas. “I understand if you want time or space to think about it and it’s ok if you don’t feel the same, I’ll get over it. We can stay friends. I just really, really don’t want to lose you, Jaemin.”

The next few seconds were agony while Jeno waited for Jaemin to say anything, do anything . After being in what looked like deep thought Jaemin broke out in a blinding smile, one that Jeno loved oh so much. In a tangle of limbs Jaemin shifted to the end of his bed where he could sit across from Jeno, their knees nearly touching.

“Lee Jeno, can I kiss you?”

Jeno nodded timidly.

Unlike last time, there was no little sisters to burst in ruining the moment, no phone calls from grandparents. Just Jaemin’s warm hand cupping Jeno’s cheeks, Jeno playing with the hair at Jaemin’s nape and their lips finally on each others.

Jeno froze only for a moment before mirroring Jaemin’s movements, hoping to god he was doing it right. It was exhilarating, to have wanted something - someone - for such a long time and finally be able to act on it. Jaemin’s hand made it way to the back of Jeno’s neck, tilting their heads slightly so their lips slotted together perfectly and Jeno let out a quiet whimper.

Almost immediately, he cast aside the embarrassment as he felt Jaemin smile into the kiss, loving Jeno’s reaction. Jeno gasped again as Jaemin’s tongue traced his bottom lip and he opened his mouth for the other; the feeling of another tongue in his mouth foreign, but not disliked. It was Jaemin’s turn to hum this time and suddenly Jeno wanted to do anything that would earn another noise out of the other boy.

Moments later Jeno pulled away, resting his head on Jaemin’s shoulder, smiling into his neck. It all felt like a dream as he tried to catch his breath, it felt like he was floating. He reached out to find Jaemin’s hand, taking it in his own and giving it a quick squeeze, leaning back so he could look at the other. What a sight it was. Na Jaemin with eyes glassy and lips red all from Jeno’s doing.

“I should get going…My mom wanted me home for dinner,” Jeno said even thought it was pretty much the last thing he wanted to do. They both knew how strict his mother could be thought when it came to his curfew and she was a big believer in the whole family eating dinner together at once.

“Ok.” Jaemin leaned forward to press a quick kiss to Jeno’s neck, making the other released a breathy exhale. He pulled back before he could get to carried away and leave a mark. “Yeah ok. Text me?” The puppy dog eyes Jaemin gave him were enough to melt Jeno.

“Of course.” Jeno leaned back in to press his lips to Jaemin’s once more, loving that he was free to do it whenever now. There were butterflies in his stomach and a grin on his face the entire way home.

- 14 -

“Ok, Renjun, it’s your turn now,” Donghyuck spoke up from Mark’s lap. Currently, they were piled in Jaemin’s living room, a movie playing that none of them were paying much attention too. Jeno didn’t mind though.

He was in his glory, surrounded by his closest friends, Jaemin sitting close enough that he was practically on Jeno’s lap, their hands tightly intertwined. Only days ago Jaemin had asked Jeno to be his boyfriend on their way to school of all places. He had blurted out that while he wanted it to be romantic he couldn't wait any longer, which had made Jeno laugh. He accepted of course.

They had only announced it to their friends minutes ago, hence Donghyuck’s new warpath.

Renjun gave him a puzzled look. “My turn for what exactly?”

“To find a date.”

When Renjun looked down, cheeks slightly tinted and didn’t reply Donghyuck shrieked out a “No way!” while Jaemin jumped up asking “Who?”

“Give him some space guys,” Mark said wrapping his arms around Donghyuck to hold the younger in place. As much as he tried to hide it, Jeno could tell he was as curious as everyone else to find out who Renjun had started seeing.

They all waited in silence until Renjun decided to speak up. “Guanhang.”

“Mark, you owe me $50. You too Jaemin, pay up,” Donghyuck announced proudly, making a hand it over gesture. Jeno hadn’t even been aware there had been any bets, but when he looked to Jaemin for clarification his boyfriend avoided his eyes, a small smile present on his lips.

Wherever Donghyuck was there would always be some type of trouble Jeno supposed. That’s just how things worked and Jeno wouldn’t have it any other way.

“So I’m guessing dinner is on me next time then? You just lost all your money.”

“Oh fuck you,” Jaemin laughed, but didn’t oppose to it. Jeno made a quick mental note to take Jaemin for dinner on their next date.  He smiled softly to himself as he watched Donghyuck launch into an interrogation with Renjun, similar to the one he had just put Jeno and Jaemin through.

Joining the others, Jeno made sure to ask a couple questions of his own, after all fair was fair. Renjun would have strangled him it was wasn’t for Jaemin when Jeno opened his mouth to ask if he had to use a step stool to kiss his boyfriend.