Work Text:
Little one, when you play
Don't you mind what they say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear
Baby of mine
Chan woke up again that night, his breathing ragged from the nightmare he managed to escape from, and his forehead covered in a thin layer of sweat. He lets out a sigh that he didn't know he was holding as the little figure beside him turn around in his sleep, and it made Chan crack a small smile, the familiar warmth finally back in his heart. He leans down, kissing the top of the little boy's head softly.
"Sleep well, my baby."
Sweet, tiny, Felix.
His younger brother who doesn't have any clue on why the world spins around so much, why the world makes his older brother collapse on the sofa everytime he comes home from work and why Chan cries so much every now and then.
He also doesn't wonder about why he has no mother; the fact that he can always cling onto his brother before he goes to school is all that matters for him.
But he's strong. He's amazing.
While other kids would look at him weirdly, their eyes piercing with questions even Felix could never have an answer for, he never cares. If he has Chan in an arm's reach, he's more than content with his life.
He doesn't know why the two of them are alone, living off Chan's part time job and their very mean auntie who would give them cookies every now and then. Those now and then are the times where Felix would jump around from his sugar-overdose, too happy to even care about the problems that are evolving proudly inside Chan's head.
He doesn't know that living as the firstborn of a well-known criminal is a burden for Chan. He doesn't know anything Chan doesn't tell him.
And Chan tells Felix nothing.
"He doesn't need to know, yet," Chan would always tell himself in the nights where he's close to snapping when his boss is just a blink of an eye away from firing him, and where he would have to find another part-time job in an even further place than last time just in case those people there have never heard about their mother; or a so-called mother. "No. He doesn't need to know, ever."
But these thoughts are dark.
Even darker than that one time where he rushed home, a storm almost raging outside, and it made Chan wet from head to toe from running as fast as he can to the home where Felix was waiting in front of the door with tears in his eyes. Felix is afraid of thunders.
Chan was lucky he got home soon enough, before any of the storm's strong winds or thunders that would strike every now and then even happened, and right when he turned the door knob open to their rented house in the first level of an old apartment, the little bundle of joy ran to wrap his arms around his hips.
"Why is Channie late?! Scary, Channie, it's dark," Felix has said. At that moment, the little one didn't care that his older brother was drenched in pre-storm rain, since his face was also drenched from his tears with his eyes shut tightly together and his hands fisted Chan's shirt in an act of protest.
Okay, maybe that night wasn't dark.
That night was actually nice. Chan's boss this time around was nice enough to give him some food he could cook at home since it was about to rain really hard, and he was able to make Felix let him go to take a nice, warm bath with a lot of rubber duckies he had as a child, and Felix was able to laugh again as he narrated a funny story about the ducklings. Felix's laugh is precious, and it made Chan forget about his own shivering body, cracking a smile with his little brother as he ruffled the top of Felix's hair.
"Felix?"
"Mhm?" Felix hummed the answer, a toothbrush still in his mouth and a rubber ducky in his hand as he made the toy fly before setting them on the bathtub. "Mom would hate me if she knows I made you cry," Chan craddles the little boy's face in his hands, drying Felix's hair with a towel as he lifts the corners of his mouth into a smile. "Don't cry for Mom, okay?"
"Okay, Channie!"
"I won't cry again. If Mommy loves Channie, then Channie will love me more, too, right?"
.
Chan rushes through the empty and dark halls of Felix's school, chest heaving from his nostrils trying to collect enough air for his lungs to not completely fail him. "Mr. Principal, I'm so sorry, I'll be taking Felix home, I'm his brother-"
Chan stops himself from talking as he sees the 15-year-old boy sitting right across the Principal, one eye patched but there's still little stains of bruises around them left, and his left cheek covered in a humongous bruise. Chan squints his eyes in pain before he looks at the Principal in fear. "I'm so sorry, this won't happen again, Sir," Chan bows, trying to not meet the old-man's eyes.
"Mr. Bang, with all due respect. I don't think you're suitable enough to take care of this underaged child. He's been doing things a 15-year-old isn't supposed to be doing, and who else would he learn them from aside from you-"
The loud sound of a chair meeting the tiles on the ground makes Chan turn around, eyebrows knit together. He doesn't really care anymore about these type of comments from the people around them. They usually say them out of spite because in the moment, they're really annoyed by what Felix had done, but they never finish what they started. There's no meaning behind those words, and Chan isn't going to let their words get into his head.
He's not giving Felix up.
His younger brother is standing up, the young teen is now a little bit taller than he is, but the sparkle in his eyes are still there. Had it not turn into the blazing fire that it is now, staring into the Principal's soul, Chan would've cried right then and there. But he never cries in front of Felix. Never.
"Do not blame my brother, Mr. Principal. I wouldn't even be sitting in here if people like you didn't exist, so stop antagonizing my family for everything you've done wrong," Felix states, lightly shoving a crumpled paper towards the Principal, his words dripping with venom as the Principal stares at him in shock. "Felix! Do you want to be kicked out that bad?!"
But why does those words have meaning for the boy?
He has Chan wrapped around his arms, at least for now.
"You never told me what happened," Chan bites into his food, eyes fixed on Felix who is avoiding the conversation. "It... doesn't matter now, Channie. It's in the past," Felix replies, playing with his rice.
"The bruises don't look like they're in the past for me."
Felix glares at him, signalling that he doesn't want to continue with this topic, but they're related. If Felix has a way with his eyes and how they make people sympathize; Chan has his own thing. Felix gave up avoiding the topic as his brother's eyes made him calm down a little, and he ran a hand through his dirty blond hair.
"They called you names they never should even have registered in their pathetic, little brain," he mumbles, and Chan leans forward with his eyes squinting just to try and listen to his brother's confession.
"Wh- They?! Felix, there's more than one kid? You didn't-"
"Chan," Felix cuts him off, this time his voice a little bit more shaky than before. His right hand finds his way to intertwine itself with Chan's hand, and Chan notice the coldness of Felix's hand, the same temperature as that one time he got way too nervous for a school project because he didn't prepare enough and because Channie is not going to see him perform.
"Can we not talk about it anymore? I'm sleepy. I want to sleep."
Chan is scared. His whole life felt like a waste, he tried his best to not let Felix grow up into the ways of their mother, the ways Felix was not even supposed to understand, much less take a part of. It's all a waste. He's running towards the one path Chan has never shown him, and he's running to it in the speed of light. Chan doesn't want to lose another one. He doesn't.
But he will never show Felix that. His little one, his baby.
Felix should never know.
"O-okay," Chan whispers, snapping back to reality as he sees Felix climbing into the bed in silence, his face coloured in his gloomiest expression yet as he pats the empty spot next to him. "Channie. You sleep, too."
"Hm."
"Can you sing me the Dumbo song?"
Chan's eyebrows unite in the middle of his forehead, not wasting a second to think about which song Felix is talking about. He doesn't dare to ask, though, since Felix would laugh at him for being so 'old' that he doesn't remember any lullaby songs anymore. Not that that's the way life works, but it's okay. It's Felix.
"Chan! The one that makes me cry everytime!"
"Okay, okay, I remember now," Chan lifts his hands up in defeat, staring down at Felix, whose eyes are already starting to tear up. "Hey? Why are you already crying?"
The question is left unanswered, as the only movement Felix decided to do was to slap his brother's shoulder lightly before he goes right back to cuddling his side. "I'm already in the vibe of the song, just continue," the younger sniffs, trying to rub away his clouded vision with the long sleeves of his shirt.
"Baby mine, don't you cry."
Chan hates this song, too. He hates every aspect of the whole song, the movie, and how much he relates to the pain. It reminds Chan if their mother, the mother Felix has never even met, and the mother that is now nowhere to be found; a few years ago she was released from her charges in jail and now she doesn't even think of going back to him. Going back to her baby, supposedly.
"Baby mine, dry your eyes."
Chan rests his thumb in top of Felix's tear-stained cheek, petting it softly. He doesn't know why Felix cries so much from this song, since he has never even been with their mother. But Felix is a crybaby. Chan's little crybaby.
"Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine."
"Chan?"
The older hums in response to Felix's little squeak, looking down at the rather calm boy. "Were you sad when Mommy left us behind? Really sad?"
Chan chuckles, not ignoring the way his heart aches as it clenches around his everlastingly open wound. A sigh escapes his lips, and it gave Felix the only answer he needed. "Don't leave me, okay?"
"Why did you think I would leave you?" Chan reaches over to turn the night lamps off, notìcing how Felix's breathing is now a bit calmer, indicating the fact that he's slipping into his dreamland. Chan is sure the younger will have nightmares tonight, since he fell asleep seconds after he was crying, but that's how they always are. Crying is exhausting, and crying is definitely not the thing the brothers need. It just comes upon them naturally. It's a calming escape route, and they never had any other option.
"I don't. I just don't want to be sad, Channie..."
The mumbles Felix does when he's almost asleep made Chan giggle, cooing at how adorably anxious his little baby is.
He won't ever leave Felix.
And Felix is not allowed to leave him.
Never.
"From your head to your toes,
You're so sweet, goodness knows
You are so precious to me
Cute as can be
Baby of mine."
"Baby mine
Baby mine."
The sound of people talking outside his bedroom woke Felix up, his hand stretched out to pull the blanket that is no longer around his freezing body.
"You are not supposed to..."
"I've been trying to tell... he's as crazy as she was!"
A loud slam on the walls woke Felix up for good, his knitted eyebrows raised in confusion and fear at what is happening outside. He knew Chan was talking to some of his guests, there's nothing new to that. He's a busy guy, he's always been; and friends visiting very early in the mornings of holidays are nothing new to Felix, since they've got no other time to meet his older brother. Heck, even Felix rarely has any time around Chan these days.
But why the loud slam?
"Don't talk about my mother that way!"
That's the scariest Felix has ever heard of Chan. And that's definitely Chan. He doesn't have friends with mommy-issues; not that Felix know of, anyways. And Felix knows everything about his friends.
He steps out of his blanket as fast as he can, not caring about how the cold tiles of the floor stings the bottom of his feet, and he pushes their bedroom door open.
Those are not Chan's friends.
One of them is wearing a suit, way too formal-looking for Felix's taste. It reminds him of all the Government People trying to take him away from his brother because Chan doesn't suit his role of a legal guardian. Or is he-?
"Look, Sir. Look at how skinny the boy is.This man must not feed this little boy!" Comes another voice beside the scary-looking man. A familiar voice, and it annoys the living hell out of Felix. Ah, he knows who that is. His School's Principal.
Felix glares at him, eyeing him up and down before stepping even closer to Chan's side, his brother still raging with anger and fear from the threat of these two men who wanted to take Felix away, that day, right then and there. His brain is filled with too much emotion to comprehend what is happening in front of him.
The buzzing silence felt odd, since Chan knew what was supposed to happen was something very different.
But the ringing in his ears explains everything, and as Felix's eyes met his and he's snapped back to reality, the noise that comes from the two men arguing with Felix is just multiplying his diziness, if it was even possible on the first place. Felix's eyes widen when he caught sight on Chan's dilating pupils, and he pushes his Principal away; again, now with much more force than last time. "Hush, for a second! He needs silence, please. Your screams are hurting him," Felix holds on to Chan's jittery hands, trying to calm him down.
"See?! They always have reasons for their wrong-doings, Sir! You must stop them-"
The Principal was silenced by the other guy, his eyes squinting to take a good look at Chan's face, now pale and dead of all emotions. "Mr. Principal. I suggest you listen to someone who knows this man most," he blurts out, finally, and Felix looks at him in confusion. This is different, the younger thinks to himself.
"Why should we?"
"Do you not remember that this man, this one right here; is the firstborn of our country's most dangerous murderer? He was there when she killed all those men, Mr. Principal, do you not think he's bound to pick up some of her madness?"
"Mommy's not mad," Felix shrugs, hands snaking their way to try and hold Chan before the older falls on his butt, embarassing himself. "She was falsely accused, and my brother knows all about how you dump all of the blame for the mass murder a few years ago and that's why she was stressed out. Does that not make you at fault if our mother is now mentally unstable?"
The man beside his Principal looks at him in disbelief, his eyes almost as wide as a dinner plate. "See? He's brainwashed, Sir! He isn't able to see what's right in front of his eyes!" The Principal exclaims again, now putting his right hand on his hat, his whole face is as red as a tomato; and he looks like a walking lobster. Felix would chuckle at him if it's the right time, but he's afraid that it isn't.
"Did you just call that criminal... your Mom?"
Chan's grip on Felix's hand tightens slightly, and the shift of atmosphere makes everything a thousand times more confusing for Felix, who stepped in without knowing the root of the problem. Yes, Felix should've said. That's what he believes throughout his life, anyways, and that's what his brother always says. Our Mom.
So when his answer comes out shaky and unsure, he curses at himself. "Y-yes?"
The man chuckles, putting the file he's been holding throughout their conversation on the table, a few of the papers inside now scattered on the table until Felix laid his eyes on a picture that looks like himself. Exactly, like himself. It is himself.
"Lee Felix," the man sighs, and Felix's head snaps up to meet his. "I'm not a Lee, I'm Chan's brother!"
But he doesn't listen. "Lee Felix. You were kidnapped 13 years ago, a few nights after your real mother left you behind on the front door of Mrs. Kim's orphanage. You might not remember anything, but, it did happen. These are the reports from the orphanage's staffs about you when you went missing, and however sad you may be to part with this... 'brother' of yours, he might be involved in this crime and we must investigate him further."
"Wait I- how is Channie involved in this-"
"He was 12 when it happened, Mr. Lee. Do you really think if he's still in his right mind these days he'll still be keeping you here as a hostage?" He raises his eyebrows, allowing Felix to process what is happening around him. The warm feeling of Chan's hand enveloping his made a tear brew in the corner of his eyes as he shake his head, not wanting the man to continue. "I'm not a hostage, I-"
"We won't be listening to what you say, Mr. Lee. We know all the facts and Mr. Bang might be holding some of his important informations from you and it would be the cause of you thinking not-straight. He's a dangerous man, Mr. Lee. You must come with us for now."
Felix clings onto Chan's hand tightly as the older throws his arms around Felix's small shoulder, not letting go of the younger even though he's being dragged by two other man who just walked into their underground apartment out of nowhere. Child Services?
"Lix!" Chan exclaims, his eyes blurry because of the tears welling up from hearing his brother's sobs. "Felix, it's fine, okay?" Chan holds Felix's gaze with his own, forcing a smile to form from his weak and shaking lips. He's lucky that Felix calms down right away, looking up at him from the door frame, dragged by almost the whole team of people the man earlier was with. "I'll find you, okay, baby? Don't be scared. I'm always going to be with you, Felix."
The cell is cold and empty. The metal chair is freezing, and the only warm thing they provided Chan is the coffee that has little to no heat since the heat has evaporated into thin air a few hours ago, and they're still not done with questioning the life out of him. They change people, they change tactics, they change how friendly they're going to be; and they still haven't ask the right questions yet.
Not yet the right questions to lead to the answer they want.
But how is Chan supposed to know that?
Yes, he was a witness. Yes, he was 12 going to 13 at the time which means; yes, he remembers the situation quite well, if they want to describe it that way. He remembers a lot of things.
Including the way little 2-years-old Felix was already friendly to him at the time, and how he would look up at Chan with his big sparkly eyes, with a smile and his bottle of milk held tight around his little fingers, and how little Felix would always jump into his lap whenever one of his mother's victims would groan way too loud.
Yes, Chan is messed up for not stepping up as a witness.
But no one has ever suspected him? He was safe this whole time, and as long as he can make himself and his little brother live a calm life, he never thought he'd need to. Be suspected, that is.
He just wished they would not touch Felix or harm him in any way. They were right. He's not actually his little brother.
Once upon a time, young Chris was making up his own logic in his head about his mother, and that if she was a criminal; will it be okay for her to do one more crime? He wants a little brother.
But he's not really sure now if it is his fault or not. He grew up without knowing what is wrong and right, and that's almost the main reason why he grew up letting Felix get out of hand; and why they move around so much. He'd see Felix punch a kid on the park and he never scold him, he'd see Felix tackle a kid on the swing and he'd smile at the little kid when he met his sparkly eyes, and he said nothing when Felix almost slit a kid's throat open for insulting Chan. He doesn't know.
So, he thinks to himself that maybe this people are right.
Maybe he doesn't suit being Felix's legal guardian, even though he will never be. He'll forever be Felix's illegal guardian, of course, since he stole him from the orphanage with his mother and kept him until the little boy turned 15 last year.
He doesn't know. He's really sorry.
Chan shrivels up on his cold, metal chair, his eyes squinting in pain as he feels tears coming out of them, he feels his heart clenching upon nothing as the one person who filled his heart was taken away from him, and his head shakes lightly from the amount of pressure he's trying to not let out while muffling his sobs on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. His tiny sobs echoes throughout the tiny, and lonely room, and he can do nothing but let it all out.
"Sorry, Felix... Hyung is really, really sorry."
*
"No," Felix chuckles, his eyes flickering everywhere to find where it needs to rest but on his Principal's gloomy face. After they took him back to the orphanage, they wanted Felix to keep going to that school, just until he finishes Middle School. He hates the decisions with his entire being, but he hates it more when that one Principal just decided to show up in front of him again. With bad news.
"I wish I could lie to you, kid, but-" the old man sighs, fixing his glasses before he parks on the empty spot in front of the hospital. He looks at Felix, the young boy is more of a wreck than he was before, and he was already pretty big of a wreck before this; all angsty and glaring at everyone on his way. But now, he's just... vulnerable. His big round eyes is filled with raging fire and distrust, not to mention the amount of tears dripping out of the corners of his eyes. They are now red from the intense amount of tears he must've cried every night, and that made the Principal sits back for a few seconds.
"He's alive. I refuse to believe you. I'll see for myself and prove you wrong, he's alive!" Felix states, stepping out of his Principal's car door before slamming it shut, using the sleeves of his sweatshirt to dry his tears before he took his steps towards the tall hospital building, dedicated and scared. His whole figure shows that he's not sure of himself and all he wants to do is die in a hole, but nevertheless, Felix struts into the hospital.
He's dead.
Felix was not expecting to be greeted by some doctors in white coats, no one looking into his eyes and they all speak just a decible above human's whispering voices. This is not happening.
Chan's dead.
They reveal the cold and rigid body, and as much as Felix want to look away and find Channie standing at the door, eyebrows knit together in confusion about why there's a dead body that looks exactly like him; that didn't happen. Chan is right here, in front if him; and Felix wants to claw his eyes out.
He was expecting the reunion to be happier, filled with their favourite food and the shining sun, not smelling like chemicals that are used to reserve dead bodies and a way too big operation light. Not when Chan is dead and unmoving, but when he's still alive, laughing at Felix's jokes and letting him cling onto his warm hugs.
Felix knows Chan would never just kill himself because of no reason. He won't kill himself because he wants to escape the charges. He would never.
That left him one option.
He killed himself from guilt.
Felix whines, trying to stop the tears running out of his eyes by shaking his head, refusing to believe what is in front of him used to be the one and only family he's ever had. His hand snakes towards Chan's, trying to intertwine the both of them together, and when he feels how cold and unhumane it is, Felix jolts away from the body, hissing from the pain in his heart and the disbelief in his brain.
He imagines how much pain Chan went through before the thought of dying even went across his head, he thought of how helpless he must felt when the tight ropes are finally choking the last bit of air away from his lungs, he thought of how Chan must have the tiniest hint of faith towards someone, anyone, that someone would come in there and rescue him from his dark thoughts, and once he's had enough, Felix imagines how hard it must be for him to give up on the life he's built on his own, with his own two hands, trying to carry the weight of his own world and his brother's, without anyone's help but his own, where everyone else was just; observing. He imagines how Chan never felt better, and he imagines how desperate he must felt to see his life escalating for the worse.
Felix leans forward, letting his head rest on Chan's shoulder for the last time before he was about to turn around and leave.
He won't ever see Chan again. He won't ever be able to hear the tone of his voice again, the way he laughs. He won't ever get any goodnight kisses from his brother anymore. No one will ever call him my little baby, anymore.
Why is it that people always die a little when somebody they love passes away?
"Rest your head close to my heart... never to part... baby of mine."
Felix pats the top of Chan's head softly, choking on his own tears as he move away from the body. He feels lightheaded, but he's actually sure that he's walking into a ray of light. Behind those ray of light, he can feel the memories that never happened playing right before his eyes; one where Chan's rosy cheeks exist under the bright sunshine, where he's sitting down on a picnic blanket surrounded by flowers in the middle of a bright green meadow.
Channie, you said we will never part.
He sighs, looking up at the bright sun on the sky as he exit through the back door of the hospital, not minding the busy buzz of the hospital staffs looking for him in there.
But even if we are, I'm sure you'd not want me to cry.
Felix steps forward, to the busy town ahead of him, head dizzy from the tears and the excitement of the brand new morning of Seoul, with the people walking around and the transportations going here and there. He smiles to himself, looking back at the hospital one more time before getting into the bus right in front of him, his finger trailing down the map of directions, once again the surge of excitement rushing through his veins when he figured out that he's in the right bus.
The next stop: Incheon Airport.
I won't cry, Channie.
Felix leans on the window-sill before sighing, dropping down to the empty seat right beside the door he went in from.
But I hope you won't mind me moving on, dear brother.
I'll always be, your little baby.
"Um, excuse me, can I sit here?" A young boy his age asks, gesturing to the empty seat on the airplane right next to Felix. The boy's mannerisms reminds him of himself, and Felix smiles casually, nodding to the boy. "Ah, thank you. I sure hope you don't mind, I don't like window-seats," he chuckles, smiling too when Felix holds out his hand.
"Name's Lee Felix."
"Interesting, your name doesn't sound Korean. I'm Han Jisung, nice to meet you! Have you ever been to Australia?"
"Actually, no! I-"
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too.
You are so precious to me,
Sweet as can be,
Baby of mine.