Chapter Text
I was accustomed to his touch, our bodies were conditioned to be comfortable with each other. I was used to his hand lingering on my waist, warmth still present even when his touch left it.
When we would stare into each other, it was like sharing a silent conversation spoken by our thoughts.
Ever since our first meeting, our agenda was to get comfortable with each other, so that our interactions on screen wouldn’t seem forced. We lost our first kiss with a man to each other, overcoming embarrassment, then moving on to more intensified displays of affection.
Even when I knew I was acting, the scenes we played out felt real, I felt unprofessional- not being able to separate my work from reality, so out of desire to be more professional, I ignored what thoughts I had, dismissing them as misconceptions.
When our lips touched, it felt gentle, soft. When he sucked my lips, the pull felt intoxicating, exposing me to a want I couldn’t yet explain nor wanted to. Sometimes, I’d go home to my bed and still feel the warmth of his flesh around me from a scene we’d filmed. I’d dream of him embracing me like he’d done while filming, only without the cameras and crew surrounding our proximity, and the scene wouldn’t end with a ‘ Cut! ’ from P’New, we’d simply go on being in each other’s arms… then my alarm would ring and I’d wake up to a reality, one where every display of affection we’d share on camera was a false reality we were hired and trained to play out.
I’d use every opportunity to take care of him, to protect him, to help him, because I cared for him and I dared not think any further of my role in his life- I was his Phi, and that was all I was allowed to be.
Being close with him was enough, it made me happy. I dismissed whatever even slightly romantic feelings I’d had as residue from having acted as his lover for a few months on and off screen and being regarded as so by fans for the following months, our acts of love being displayed on huge screens, causing us to feel flustered.
Love By Chance had ended, we separated ways in terms of our career, but our hearts remained tied, connected. We Line messaged each other most nights when we weren’t too busy, or if we were, we’d send a message for each other to see when we were free, exchanging jokes, talking about Perth entering my university, etcetera, etcetera… One thing I never really got the courage to ever text him was the one thing my heart had always wanted to say after we finished filming: I miss you.
Sometimes, I felt the urge to type it out, fingers hovering over the keyboard before eventually closing the app altogether- the timing was never right. I was afraid he might read too much into it, afraid he’d take it the wrong way, but I was also afraid he’d regard it as a simple phrase, one without meaning and dismiss my yearning for his presence with nonchalance.
Being separated from him weeks at a time was not a feeling I was used to, only then did I realize the joy that I felt around him was different than others, every interaction with him sparked joy in me, his presence at my side giving me a comfort, a sense of contentment and pure bliss that I couldn’t feel with any of my friends.
I really did miss him.
I was in my house in Trat, taking a break from my work schedule for a few weeks to my reluctance- P’Chen demanded I take a few weeks off minimum, I’d recently recovered from symptoms of over exhaustion and he’d rather I take a break than plow through work at half capacity.
I was in the room filled to the brim with gifts from fans, dragon plushies, portraits, photobooks and the likes were scattered in a chaotic order positioned from the floor to the upper shelf. I transferred the bulk of my gifts here to Trat when the apartment I stayed at lost space. Overall, you could see pictures of Perth too, some standing beside me, some just on his own because fans thought it’d be nice to tease me, I was secretly thankful, because nowadays it’s the most comfort I get when the painful pulling in my chest starts to pop up every now and then, I just go to the room and look at him- even if it’s just a flat picture, it was still present, it was the closest thing to him I could get.
At that moment, I was holding a printed photo of him and I, the picture of me sitting on his lap as he puckered his lips, pretending to kiss me, blown up to an A5 size photo. I leaned against the doorframe, thumb sliding over his face.
“Invite him here,” my mother’s voice shocked me, jolting my body upwards, she was looking at me with a gentle expression on her face, “He’s been working hard too, and our house has plenty of space. You can have a friend your age to have fun with, too.”
I laughed softly, “Mae, he probably has schedule these days, he can’t just up and leave his work, especially not now when he’s gaining so much popularity. I have you guys and my sisters to play with, that’s all I need,” I smiled at her, the words that came out of my mouth were more to reassure myself more than her.
“Don’t think I don’t have his manager’s number, P’Pupae said she’s making him take a few weeks leave same as you, she got the idea from P’Chen,” she smirked at me, “Go get my second son over here before you start living in that room,” pointing to the room filled with our couple photos and merchandise, making me blush at the implication. My mother knows me too well, she chooses not to say it but I know in her heart she knew her son was missing someone, and who else could it be other than the one boy she saw her son was completely enamoured with?
“Text him,” she said before turning around and walking away.
A good child never disobeys a mother’s order.
S: Yo, you got forced into the break, too right? 555
P: Yea, Phi, I’m itching to work but at least I get to play my guitar...other than that I’m quite bored, everyone else is working or studying…
S: Mae wants you to come here, at least I can show you the sites here, the beaches are nice, especially the food 5555
P: 55 Tell Mae I’m on my way!
I sent him the address, and the conversation didn’t continue. My heart was too hopped up on dopamine to function and hold a proper conversation at the moment. I told him Mae wanted him to come over, not me, I was reading too much into it, maybe an attempt at hiding any inkling to me missing him. Nonetheless, I was excited, ecstatic at the thought of finally getting to see him after a few weeks, the real him, not some photo I was holding, failing as a substitute. I’d get to hug him, touch his flesh, feel his warmth in whatever way I could, no matter how small.
“Mae! He’s coming in the next few days, where is he going to sleep? I need to make the bedding!” I shouted, scuffling through the spare blankets and pillows and bed covers in my cabinet.
“Guest bedroom!” she shouted. I made my way to the guest bedroom, pillow and blankets in hand before I noticed something.
“Mae, the spring’s broken!” A coiled piece of metal was sticking out just slightly from the side of the bed.
“Huh?” She walked over from the living room, “Oh, no, I think your sister was jumping in there…tsk,” she scratched her head, “I think… there’s a spare mattress kept somewhere… just use that and he can sleep in your room.”
At the mention of him sleeping in the same room as me, my breath got caught in my throat before I managed to reply an ‘okay’ and proceeded to transfer the beddings back to my room and find the mattress.
I’m a 21 year old man, I can be mature and share a room with another human of male species and not freak out, or so I hoped.
Over the next couple of days, Perth took the long trip to my hometown and arrived in the early afternoon in my driveway, fresh in his new BMW he’d gotten from his parents. He parked his car and got out of the driver’s seat, opening his door to my warm welcome, “Nong! Long time no see!” I gave him a tight hug and savoured the feeling of his slightly smaller figure against mine.
“Haha, yeah, Phi! Haven’t seen your double chin around in a long time!” he chided as we pulled away, I nudged at him for the stupid joke, laughing along.
I helped carry his guitar and speaker up to the house as he carried his two backpacks containing clothes and other necessities for three weeks of stay at Saint Paradise- well it will be as long as he was here, anyways.
After I got his things settled down in my room, I asked him, “Do you want to go out today or rest and then go out tomorrow? It’s a long trip from Bangkok and we’re going to have a barbecue tonight anyways.”
He nodded his head, “Yea, I’m fine with resting, four hours in a car is really tiring… I’d rather just chat here with you, relax...” I smiled at that, at the fact that he’d rather spend time with me than go out and do something more exciting, it made me happy inside.
“Ayyy, you miss Phi, don’t you? Na, na, na~,” I joked, poking at his ribcage, making him giggle and evade me. He tried to fight back and poke my ribs, but I moved quickly, and every touch I made targeted his tickle spots, ones I know very well and often manipulate to tease him, making him giggle in laughter, “Phi- HAHAHAHHA- Phi, sto- HAHAHAHA!”
He managed to get in a few tickles, making me shift back and burst out in laughter, and we got engrossed in the childish play, pushing and pulling each other, poking our sides, making each other laugh. In that moment, I felt him grabbing my hand, trying to stop me from reaching his waist, his body jerking outwards as my fingers met his ribs, making his head fit right into the crook of my neck for just a second. Then, he reached his hand out sneakily and swiftly poked my ribs, making me jump, then I proceeded to retaliate, attempting to poke him, but ended up falling forward due to his hand still grabbing tightly onto my arm.
Despite being seated, we still lost balance and lost the fight against gravity, I fell forward looming over him, my right hand out beside his head, supporting me, his right hand still holding my left arm, leaving me on top of his hips, him looking up at me. We were still smiling, giggling. We looked into each other’s eyes- eyes I’d been dying to get lost in again after weeks that felt like millenia. Soon, we stopped giggling and just stared into each other, my thoughts going a hundred miles per hour yet feeling like time was a hundred times slower. I didn't want it to ever end.
“You… want me to cook you anything?” I said meekly, at an attempt to leave this position before I did something I’d regret. I lifted myself off him, gently, sitting back down to my original position.
He scoffed and slowly sat back down beside me, “How about something to reminisce?”
I turned to him, “Hm?”
“Shrimp porridge.”
I stirred the porridge inside the pot, “Perth, come here,” he stood beside me, then, I lifted the large wooden spoon up to my lips, blowing on it, before giving it to Perth, feeding it into his mouth.
“How is it?”
“Derishoush,” he mumbled around the mouth of slightly still hot porridge. I smiled widely at his adorable expression, looking like a cute kid munching food, cheeks puffed and lips pouted. Dare I say, he was even cuter than my baby sister.
We sat down on the dinner table, the pot of porridge between us, seated facing each other. We made conversation in between spoonfuls, “Where is Mae Nuk? Where are your sisters?” He looked around, seeing the house was relatively empty.
“My mother’s at the bike shop, Neptune is at school, Nana is in her crib upstairs sleeping,” I said around some porridge, “How’s work? I see you’re getting so many jobs! Oho, between getting Samsung sponsor and landing a film with Netflix, Phi is really proud of you na! Even instagram agrees you’re famous, HAHA, Phi is so jealous~.”
He smiled at me, replying with laughter, “It’s really tiring, though. And it took me a while to get used to being so busy, travelling so far in such a short span of time.”
“Happy you don’t see my face anymore?” I teased,
“Ohoey, no, Phi, and it’s not like I don’t see your face on my phone every time I scroll through twitter- it seems your face is going to be plastered with mine for a long time, but I don’t think I’ll ever not be happy looking at your face. The memories we shared, good and bad, they’ve been the most memorable I’ve had so far, it has a place reserved in my heart.”
Hearing the words flow out of him so naturally, the genuinity of what he said, really struck me. He happily went on eating his porridge like he didn’t just drop the most touching declaration in front of my face. I have a place in his heart . That was what was repeating in my head as my heart beat faster, looking down, shoving porridge in my mouth to hide the fluster.
A couple hours later, Mae Nuk and Neptune had arrived back, the door latch clacking, releasing a small toddler adorably running towards me screaming, “P’Saint~!” She latched onto my leg, jumping up and down in excitement. She loved spending time with me and cherished every moment when I came home, seeing as my busy schedule wouldn’t allow enough leeway to come back home as often as I’d like. I bent down and scooped her up into my arms, her head turned, curious about the other, more new presence in the house.
“P’Saint, is that your boyfriend kha?” she asked innocently, my mother just giggled silently as my face burst into pink, flustered at my sister’s words. Perth just looked at my sister surprised, their first interaction going off to a strange start.
“What do you mean boyfriend, Nong? This is Phi’s friend,” trying to correct her while trying not to sound so nervous.
“I see Mae arranging the room sometimes and I see pictures of him hugging you and making kissy faces, kha. Mae says only lovers do that…”
“Okay, Neptune, come to Mae, it’s time to go change and get ready to go for the barbecue,” lifting her out of my arms and carrying her away.
I stood there smiling shyly, still pink from embarrassment. “Sorry about that… she’s a child, she doesn’t know how to… filter yet.”
He laughed it off, “It’s okay, I get it, I get it,” he scratched his head, “I didn’t know you had a stock of our CP stuff…”
I huffed a breath, “Yeah, couldn't fit the apartment, had to move it here,” I looked at my watch, “I think we need to go change, we’re heading out soon.”
Smoke rose in ribbons from the wire mesh grill, marinated meat sizzling as it makes contact with the heat, spreading a delicious, heaty aroma around the vicinity, wafting through our noses. I was standing watch at the grill, albeit quite casually- I was more focused on the other scene playing out before me. I watched fondly as my mother smiled at Perth carrying Nana in his hands, my sister playing in the sand a small distance away. He made faces at her, smiling widely, making her squeal with laughter, her gummy smile and chubby cheeks making my heart go soft.
I took my phone out and snapped a quick picture, framing the adorable scene where Perth was raising Nana’s forehead against his, giving her a look of pure adoration- similar to the one I’d had on looking at him.
That night we shared laughter, Perth and I sharing banter, making my mother and my sister burst in amusement. The barbecue pit shed a joyful atmosphere, as if stuck in a bubble where time didn’t flow and only happiness remained.
We headed down to the sand, sitting beside each other, watching the waves roll into shore, thrashing lightly against it.
“Do you miss it?” I asked him, looking forward into the ocean.
He turned to me, “Miss what?”
“Filming… seeing each other most days of the week, acting as a couple…” I turned my head down, finger latently drawing lines into the sand.
He paused for a second, registering my question into his head, “Of course I miss it,” he turned back to the ocean, I looked at him, “Those days were fun. Tiring, sleep depriving, but when I filmed with you, I didn’t feel it. It was just me, you, Ae, and Pete… so, yes, I miss it,” he paused, then turned his head to look into my eyes, “I missed you .”
He smiled at me, and my heart skipped a beat, beating faster and faster. I looked down at the ground, blushing furiously, then looking back up with a grin on my face, “Hoey, you’re being so sappy, Perth!” I nudged his shoulder, “If you missed me so much, you could call me and I’d fly all the way to the island to take care of you!” I said, joking, half-meaning it, but he didn’t need to know that- that I was willing to put down everything just to be with him again, forgoing sleep and my job.
That night, Perth slept on the floor, beside my bed, just a little higher. Hearing him breathe next me, the simplest thing, made me smile from ear to ear. I was unable to sleep until I succumbed to the tiredness, I dreamt of him next to me on the beach, me in his arms watching the waves at night, and him kissing my forehead as we both smiled in glee. I knew I would wake up and he would be there, one day, maybe, I’d wake up with his face right next to mine.
.