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When they tell him Magnus has died, together with Elijah, Alec doesn’t go to the gate. He doesn’t want to join the crowd of the warlock’s past lovers –he’s been told they are in thousands, gathered there to welcome the warlock into his afterlife. He doesn’t want to be one of them- even though he might just be.
When they tell him Magnus has been asking around for him, he doesn’t call him, nor does he make any effort to reach him.
It’s only when Jace, hesitant because he remembers, he knows how much Alec has actually suffered because he’s seen it all, tells him that Magnus is outside their flat, waiting, that Alec finally moves.
Feeling like a wounded animal, weirdly fragile and vaguely numb, he makes slowly his way towards the door, his mind completely blank.
He feels –more than sees, since he can’t seem to be able to pay attention to anything, at the moment- Jace’s reassuring presence in the soft steps following him, and it gives him strength.
The door opens softly, and reveals Magnus and Elijah, standing right there, hand in hand, radiant, a few steps away from Alec.
Magnus is looking at him with a big, hopeful smile –a smile Alec’s never seen on his face before, because it’s all Elijah’s- and it’s so painful he feels like he’s being chocked.
Tears swell in his eyes as he leans heavily against the doorjamb not to pathetically crumble on the floor like a puppet with cut wires- Magnus’ smile dims and turns into a confused, worried one.
Alec’s heart is beating fast, his head is spinning, as their eyes meet again for the first time in centuries.
And Magnus is beautiful- he’s still so beautiful, even more so than he remembered.
He grips the doorjamb tightly, his knuckles completely white, to keep himself outright.
Alec hears Jace shuffling uneasily on his feet behind him, obviously trying to restrain himself from spurring into action and actively sustain his parabatai.
And he’d turn around, reassure him somehow- he really would-, but he can’t look away.
Because Magnus is here, in all his glittery, tender beauty. His husband. His fucking husband!
And Alec has to fight back the sobs, because he’s falling to pieces again, and Magnus is right here.
But he won’t be the one to make the first step. It isn’t his to make, because he won’t share.
It’s Magnus’.
So, shaking from head to toes, Alec waits for him, for his choice. He waits for him as he’s been doing for a long, long time now.
Come home,
His eyes are telling him. They’re pleading, they’re begging.
Come home
'Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long
Magnus looks at him for a long, long moment, uncomprehendingly, his gentle smile freezing on his lips.
He seems to be slowly understanding what Alec’s doing.
He’s giving him a choice.
He’s telling him to come closer if he still wants him, if he wants to spend the rest of their eternities together –he won’t fucking share-, and he’s asking him to go, instead, if all Magnus’ come here for was to catch up with an old, forgotten lover- one of many.
Well maybe I'm just dreaming out loud
Until then
Come home, please.
Surprised, Alec notices Magnus’ eyes are shining with unshed tears, too.
He bites down hard on his lower lips, a single, solitary tear sliding down his cheek.
I miss you.
Come home.
Come here.
I need you.
Come home.
But Magnus slowly turns around to face Elijah, cupping tenderly his face into his hands.
He whispers something in his ear –Alec’s too far away to understand- and Elijah opens up in a small, gentle smile.
Then Magnus presses a gentle kiss on the other’s lips, and the pain wrenching Alec’s ribcage almost catches him unprepared.
He’s forced to bend in half, unsteady, as his husband kisses fiercely Elijah, completely ignoring Alec and effectively making his choice known.
A subtle voice, in a hidden corner of his mind, wonders if Magnus is just being cruel - there was no need to demonstrate their affection so publicly. A step back or a peck on the lips would have conveyed the message just as efficiently - as he stumbles back into the house.
It feels like a déjà-vu, because in a certain sense he’s already lived through this scene once, and he’s been reliving it in his nightmares ever since- for centuries on end.
“Jace” he croaks out then, helpless, fearing he might topple over or puke at moment’s notice.
He hears Jace swearing loudly, the loud thump of the door snapping close and then two familiar, strong arms wrapping around him and pulling him closer, just as he’d done back then, keeping him together.
-
Jace leads his parabatai to his bedroom and carefully helps him sit down on the bed.
Alec is shaking. Badly. Seemingly unable to prevent the tears from falling- at least he’s not sobbing. Yet.
“I hate what he does to you,” Jace whispers, almost self-deprecatingly, running a hand in a soothing motion up and down Alec’s back.
“ ‘t’s not h’s fault” he manages to answer, biting his lower lip to try and calm himself down.
He can feel Jace’s skeptical look on his face but pointedly ignores it in favor of taking slow, deep breaths.
“I’ll make tea and then we’ll go to the training room” his parabatai proposes, standing up and resting a hand on Alec’s shaking shoulder.
It’s somewhat of a tradition- when one of them feels particularly bad, the other always comes up with tea and a good old sparring session.
That manages to coax a smile out of him.
Alec looks fondly up at Jace.
“Thank you”
Jace smiles back, visibly relieved by his reaction, and bends down to press a kiss on Alec’s forehead before leaving the room with a “ ‘be back in a bit”.
Now alone, Alec inhales deeply and exhales, one, two, three times, until the tears have subsided and he’s feeling slightly better.
He doesn’t dare thinking about Magnus, it’s still too soon for that.
Instead, he curls up on the bed, forcing himself not to think and not to feel anything- he’s good at that, now.
He’s been doing it for centuries.
He doesn’t know how much time passes by- he doesn’t notice it, caught up in his daze- but soon he hears soft footsteps coming closer to the door.
It must be Jace with the tea.
He puts on a smile and waits until the door opens with a creak.
The person who comes in, however, is most definitely not his parabatai.
Alec’s fake smile freezes on his lips as Magnus makes wordlessly his way towards the bed and sits down next to him, offering him silently a cup of his favorite tea.
He accepts it –his hands are shaking so hard he fears it’ll spill on the covers- with a nod.
“Wha-” but it comes out all wrong, so Alec clears his throat and starts again “What are you doing here?” he manages finally to croak out.
He isn’t looking at Magnus- he’s staring instead at the orange-y tea inside the cup- but he can feel him, he can smell him…- he still uses that sandalwood shampoo, he notices, and it’s almost enough for the tears to come back again.
“Why, I’m waiting for you to explain what the hell has just happened out there, Alexander” Magnus explains, plainly, playing absentmindedly with his rings.
At the sound of his full name, Alec lets out a sharp intake of breath and his grip on the mug tightens impossibly.
He closes his eyes –don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t you fucking dare- and leans back with his head against the wall.
“There’s nothing to explain”
He takes a sip from his cup, almost hoping Jace’s spiked his tea with some vodka.
With utmost surprise, his eyes snap open as he feels, in fact, some alcohol burning at the back of his throat.
He lets out a huffed laugh.
“What is it?”
“Jace’s spiked the tea” he explains fondly, feeling for a moment more at ease.
They fall again into an uneasy silence until Magnus starts to grow restless.
“Alec” he calls him gently “What in the name on Magic has happened out there? Why did you run inside? And why weren’t you at the gate?”
“I heard there were a lot of people at the gate, though. I’m sure you didn’t miss me” he mutters, taking a sip of his tea.
“I’m sure you didn’t miss me?!” Magnus repeats, bewildered.
“And what’s that supposed to mean, Alexander?”
Alec winces at the harsh tone, feeling suddenly tired.
Why fight?
If he’s never gonna see Magnus again – and he sure as hell will not be able to see him, not before at least a couple of centuries- why fight?
Why is Magnus here?
It’ll only make it more difficult for him when he’ll finally leave.
And, most importantly, why would Jace ever let him in?
So he puts down the mug on his nightstand and turns around, looking at Magnus squarely in the eyes in the most earnest way possible.
He suppresses a wince at the sight of the black bruise on the warlock’s cheek, knowing almost subconsciously it must have been Jace’s doing.
Magnus seems taken aback by this sudden openness but nevertheless looks back at him with unglamoured pupils, no trace of the previous frustration anywhere to be seen on his handsome face.
And for a moment –a little, little moment- Alec’s so stunned by their sudden closeness, by the fact that it’s Magnus, and he’s here!, that he forgets what he was going to say.
The warlock follows his movements –he’s surely noticed how Alec’s eyes have just fallen on his lips- but doesn’t comment, his face unreadable.
And why would he comment? It’s not like he’s still in love with Alec.
Maybe the advances of an old lover just make him squeamish.
At the thought, Alec catches himself and looks away.
“Listen” he starts, closing his eyes to brace himself “I- I appreciate the fact that you’ve taken the time to stop by.” And he’s so, so formal it makes his own voice shake.
“But at the moment, I’m in no way able to form a friendship with you. And since it’s fairly obvious that’s what you’re looking for, I have to ask you to leave”
His eyes find again Magnus’, who’s looking at him as if he’d just been slapped in the face.
“Please” he whispers, allowing himself just to feel a little of the pain secluded away in his heart “Please, I know you care about me, but I still love you. This is hurting me. I-I need more time.”
Something melts in the warlock’s eyes and a small, tender smile curves up his lips.
“Alexander” he whispers, gently, bringing his hands up to cup his cheeks in a carbon-copy gesture of the one Alec’s seen him doing with Elijah.
He recoils at the movement and moves away as if burned, betrayed.
Magnus looks at him, clearly hurt.
“Haven’t you understood anything of what I’ve just told you?”
Magnus looks away.
“Of course I have, and I’m choosing to stay, Alec”
Alec shakes his head, bitter tears in his eyes as he replays Magnus’ kiss with Elijah in his mind.
“You’ve already chosen not to” and saying it, saying this- it’s more painful than he’d ever thought it would be.
He hears a sharp intake of breath from Magnus but ignores it, staring decisively at the yellow cup on his nightstand.
The tea’s gone cold.
“So that’s what it was” the warlock whispers, and Alec turns to look at him with raised eyebrows.
“What?”
“It was a test, wasn’t it? You wanted me to come to you, because it would’ve meant I still wanted you. That’s why you didn’t come to the gate. That’s why you reacted that way, today. You thought I’d chosen Eli”
Magnus looks at him, understanding dawning on his face.
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
Alec doesn’t answer, but his silence must be eloquent enough because Magnus nods to himself.
“Well, you’re wrong” Magnus states as a matter of fact.
“I didn’t choose Eli. There was nothing to choose between, Alexander. There’s never been a choice”
At Alec’s silence, the warlock seems to grow even more impatient.
“Don’t you get it? There’s never been a choice because I’ve always loved you! Only you, you stubborn Nephilim! And you should have already known it!”
At his words, Alec freezes.
“Why? Why are you doing this to me? We both know it’s not true” he whispers, heartbrokenly.
“And why not, pray tell?”
“I saw you” Alec closes his eyes, pained “You love him. You still love him, just like you loved the many others before me. You love all of them… all of us”
“Of course I love them, darling” Magnus whispers gently, before bringing a hand to cup Alec’s jaw.
This time, he doesn’t move away. He doesn’t have the strength to.
“Ehy, look at me”
Magnus patiently waits for Alec to look at him.
And when he does, Magnus’ cat-eyes are kind, gentle and warm.
“You’re crying” Alec states, surprised, instinctively wiping away a tear with the tip of his finger.
Magnus closes his eyes for a brief moment at the contact, takes a deep breath then opens them again.
“The thing is-I love you more. I always have.” He whispers gently, his eyes big and earnest.
“I didn’t marry any of them, did I?” he asks, rhetorically, a small, bitter smile on his lips.
“The kiss you saw before… I now realize I should have gone about it in a different manner, but it was my farewell to Elijah as a lover. As of now, he’s gone off somewhere looking for his lost family” Magnus explains, gently.
Alec looks at him, eyes wide.
“What you’re saying… you’re saying that you still love me? As in- You want to be with me for the rest of our time here?”
His heart is beating fast into his ribcage as he looks at his husband, hope fluttering timidly into his chest.
Magnus lets out a loud, heartily laugh “Of course I want it, Alexander”
Speechless, Alec stares without the ability to utter a single word.
He wants me. He loves me.
Taking Magnus mid-laugh, Alec throws himself at him, wrapping his arms tightly around the warlock’s waist.
“I missed you. By the Angel, I missed you so much” he whispers into the crook of Magnus’ neck.
His lover lets out a startled gasp “Now- that’s how I should have been welcomed, husband dearest, with a looo-”
Alec effectively shuts him up with a long, welcoming kiss.