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the first time you think about that, the three of you are sitting on the grass in a park. ndidi’s playing the guitar and singing a sweet tune you don’t recognize but can’t help humming along to, and karun is laying on his back staring at the sky like there’s something beautiful there. it’s easy and peaceful like that, just the three of you and the music, and an annoying voice in the back of your head that is almost always right tells you to enjoy it while it lasts.
the second time you -- ironically -- don’t remember, but the thought keeps returning. sometimes it’s ndidi falling asleep in your room like it’s nothing, like she’s close enough to you to just stay without asking or making up excuses in the morning, sometimes it’s karun looking at you with obvious adoration (for you? no, probably for your skills) written all over his face when you turn to him from your piano. or it’s him talking to you about the state of the world, ever so hopeful, or it’s ndidi telling you stories of her younger sister, always getting in trouble, or it’s the three of you laughing about nothing at all, but you can’t help thinking that something’s going to break that peacefulness. you just don’t yet know what, you think.
when you catch yourself staring at karun for periods way longer than necessary, and daydreaming about him on specifically boring occasions, and perhaps reacting slightly more intensively than normal to his horrible casual touchy-ness, the what in question becomes obvious. when you notice how ndidi laughs at his jokes perhaps a little harder than appropriate, and, really, just how she looks at him when she thinks he doesn’t notice, it turns into big red screaming letters. it’s almost like they were made for each other, you think to yourself -- both hopeful, both almost revolutionaries, he and his compassion for the entire world and thinking of people better than they deserve, she and her open heart and her bravery, it’s just a matter of time til they fall in love and shut you out. well, perhaps you just have to enjoy it while it lasts.
it lasts longer than you expect, but maybe it’s just more painful this way. you find yourself talking to ndidi about things you’ve never really shared with anyone (not the scary ones though -- just the stories no-one really bothered to listen to) and finding peace you never knew was a thing in your conversations with karun. you do notice when he leans in and kisses her hand that once -- jokingly, making her smile nonetheless, and maybe he also kisses yours, but that certainly doesn’t mean anything. there are dances when you almost dare to hope that he shares with you and then with her (and then there’s ndidi spinning you around and you both can’t help laughing).
and of course there has to be an end to this, you know that, but some part of you still doesn't expect it. it's a bright spring day and the three of you have planned to meet up and go somewhere together. you're a little late for the set time and you're thinking of an apology and of a few stories you've heard you're sure ndidi will find interesting and maybe, in the back of your mind, of that one project you're probably planning to do as you rush towards your meeting place. you see the exceptionally ugly building you always talk about as you meet there, and then one familiar figure kissing another against its wall, and the greetings and apologies get stuck in your throat. if you're being rational, there's nothing unpredictable about this (so passionate, maybe you're just jealous it's not you pressing karun against the wall and kissing him like there's no tomorrow. you’re definitely just jealous it’s not you kissing him like there’s no tomorrow), but you're not. you're oh so not being rational right now and you mostly just want to run away and hide and maybe cry just a little. they do notice you and break apart and both sound worried when they try to explain something to you at the same time, like you caught them doing something they weren’t supposed to do. that's not the case, you're not sure why they're both worried at all, it's not like either of them owes you anything, they can make out in public places as much as they want for all you care. all you're supposed to care. you give up on rationalizing and judging the situation and focus on the main plan: to run away, to hide and maybe to cry a little. better that than feeling like the third wheel the entire evening, you think.
the depressive episode that follows isn’t their fault and you know it -- you knew it was coming and you didn’t care just like you didn’t care about the mania not so long before when it was so useful to barely sleep helping karun and ndidi with their voluntary work and then reading that book karun gave to you and then working on a little project you’ve been thinking about for a while but never got to and feeling like an absolute genius and then calling ndidi in the morning and laughing about how the sun’s out so early and insisting she don’t worry. It’s bad nonetheless, and thinking about how your two only friends have finally realized they’re in love and probably don’t need you anymore doesn’t make it better.
and when they both show up (damn it, you really just gave her the keys like that), you figure it’s probably pity and mostly don’t care. you don’t care as karun makes you eat and ndidi makes you sleep and as they both stay at your place til you get better like they care about you or something. you continue not to care until you feel better and are crushed with guilt. not only did they see you at your bad, if not your worst and still stay for some reason (again, probably pity, they’re both fucked up like that), but they actually did something to take care of you when they didn’t have to. and shouldn’t have, you think, it’s not like they’re deeply indebted to you after you caught them making out or something.
you feel like you should apologize and so you do, telling them they really don’t owe anything to you and it’s not like they scarred you for life or anything in the process, and ndidi’s “no, si, you got it all wrong” really catches you off guard. the three of you are sitting on the floor in your bedroom not so far apart and she smiles slyly and leans a little toward you. “I actually have something to tell you about it”, she says, “but it’s a secret”. and with that, she closes the gap between you and whispers theatrically in your ear. “the secret”, she says, “is that we love you and care about you”. and before you process fully what she said, ndidi moves back as karun leans closer to you and whispers just as theatrically (or perhaps he’s just incapable of being quiet): “with emphasis on ‘love’ at that” and. his soft hand is cupping your cheek. and your faces are so close together. and you’re not totally able to form words in your head as he kisses you but it doesn’t really matter.
(that, you’d think later, was the first time he nearly gave you a heart attack, but far from the last one)
(an unknown amount of time later, ndidi demands to know if she’s “allowed to be macking on si as well or is it reserved just for you now” with laughter obvious in her voice. as karun and you separate, she leans in and presses a soft kiss to your lips. hazily, you wonder how you haven’t ever thought much of kissing her before)
the three of you end up laying on your backs like your bedroom floor is the most comfortable thing to lay on and the ceiling is a starry sky. the half-silence forming between you actually feels nice, but it doesn’t surprise you when ndidi breaks it with a sudden “i think i’m bisexual” in her ‘’thoughts i’ve given some time by now” voice. before you get to reply she’s already diving deep into a story about being a fifteen year old with a crush bigger than the universe itself, and it’s hard not to get involved and not to laugh and you almost say something along the lines of “come on, it was obvious that she liked you” because you’re both hypocritical and an idiot, apparently. when she finishes the story, you don’t stop yourself before saying that “i think i’m bisexual” was a bit of an understatement. hypocritical and an idiot, clearly, you were just making out with a man you’ve been in love with for what? a few months?
(she’s probably thinking of the same thing, if her giggling is any indication; you give up and offer her a simple “i think i’m too, actually”, and she hums thoughtfully as karun returns the statement)
it only gets better from there. one long conversation about relationships and an embarrassing amount of reassurement (“yes, si, we want to date you. yes, you specifically. yes, we’re both sure”) later, nothing changes much, but everything starts falling into place. ndidi stops pretending she falls asleep at your place by accident and you often wake up to a feeling of her recent presence, if not the woman herself. karun gives you an amount of affection you think you can actually die from. there’s laughing and uncomfortable deep-in-the-night phone conversations and staying at each other’s places sometimes (ndidi’s roommate looks at you with obvious curiosity; “is that your boyfriend?” she asks immediately, to which ndidi replies with a “maybe” and a sly smile) and spending your time together a little differently (it’s not that it’s better than friendship, you think to yourself -- it’s just that it’s nicer without the tension nobody was doing anything about). the longer you stay that way the more comfortable it gets, and that isn’t really a thing, so you’re stuck wondering when and how it will end again.
sometimes it’s ndidi dancing in the sunlight in your room to the songs on the radio. or you and karun just sitting together, both reading, in sudden peace and comfort. it’s the three of you doing little concerts like a small leftist band that you actually are, if you think about it. it’s you holding ndidi after a concert when she’s overwhelmed with the sudden “i was singing in front of other people! so many things could’ve gone wrong” or bringing her water and holding her close after she has thrown up from anxiety. it’s you sitting in karun’s room in the dark holding his hand telling him change is possible, you know it, he’s shown you, like you believe what you say. It’s love and comfort and sadness shared and you can’t help but wonder when and how you’ll finally lose them.
(then, it’s you telling ndidi the scary parts; it’s all “i still don’t know what they were trying to cure me from” and “i still don’t know what to think about her” but the young woman, your lover, clenches her fists as she listens to your messed up explanations like she knows who there is to blame; it’s you telling karun the day after, it’s him holding you as you cry like he’s still there, like he’s not going anywhere)
you worry about losing them as you first move in together; you think about enjoying it while it lasts as you go through the eternal cycle of being hired and fired at least every few months; you can’t help but worry throughout your early arguments, your complicated days, the signs of imperfection, but they make it work and so, you suppose, do you; you’re anxious and afraid when karun tells you he might have an idea of what they were trying to cure you from (you’re even more worried when you realize he’s probably right). he’s very patient with you, perhaps more than you deserve, when he tries to explain those "natural behaviors" and those repetitive body movements he does that he thinks you, too, are naturally supposed to do; they do feel right to some extent and he remains patient when you keep freezing in place every time you catch yourself doing those, your entire body terrified of some punishment from the past.
you still worry and wonder when mituna is born, and later, when kankri is born, but the three of you keep going through everything together -- your eldest children fighting, mituna’s first seizure, adopting meulin and dealing with the scars of her past neglect, arguments about karun never being home and complicated conversations about having disabled children and, as ndidi insists, you still hating yourself, you name it.
you joke about enjoying it while it lasts, once -- the three of you are sitting in a park like you’re still three students with one guitar and an endless variety of dreams and hopes. ndidi says she’s always thought it’d end early too -- “one of us would die”, she says, “or you’d decide you’re not worthy of our love anymore. you know, something stupid like that”. but here you are, the three of you, loving each other still -- and, maybe, just maybe, you aren’t going to lose them after all.