Chapter Text
Irene Adler to Sherlock Holmes
Irene: Sherlock
Irene: Sherlock Holmes.
Irene: William Sherlock Scott Holmes. Love of my life. Apple of my eye. My raison d’etre. How are you, my darling?
Sherlock: No.
Irene: You don’t even know what I was going to say!
Irene: Or that I was going to say anything. Can’t a girl compliment her friend without an agenda or ulterior motive?
Sherlock: If you were anyone else, yes
Sherlock: You were going to ask for something. Whatever it is, my answer is no.
Irene: What if it involved John Watson?
Sherlock: … I’m listening
Irene: Wow, I didn’t think that would work so fast.
Irene: So I’ve met his sister recently because she goes to the same lectures on Shakespearean comedies as me.
Irene: We have a lot in common: both English lit students, both lesbians, and both in agreement that the Heterosexuals(tm) get everything wrong about Twelfth Night, and only we have the wisdom and insight to properly direct it
Sherlock: I highly doubt that
Irene: That doesn’t make it any less true
Irene: Long story short, we’re going to co-direct the Only Valid™ production of Twelfth Night, and we want you to be in it as Antonio
Sherlock: Absolutely not
Irene: You haven’t even heard anything about the role! You’ll love it, honestly. It’s perfect for you
Sherlock: If I wanted to be in a show, I would have done a performing arts degree. Seeing as I don’t have 2 brain cells and 1(one) GCSE, I did not
Irene: Ok, fair point, but listen:
Irene: 1 - It’s only a minor role technically so you don’t have to put too much effort in
Sherlock: Strong selling point. Continue
Irene: 2 - the role is 1000% gay
Sherlock: I deserve better than this token casting
Irene: 3 - He’s a pirate. You said you loved pirates. Didn’t you want to be one when you were like 8 or something?
Sherlock: What? When did I tell you that?
Irene: On St Patrick's day when we both got drunk off of discount beer.
Sherlock: This is why I never listen to your suggestions
Irene: Anyway, now you have the chance to live your childhood fantasy!
Irene: And in terms of your current fantasy… You will be sharing several scenes with John.
Irene: Romantic Scenes
Sherlock: What?!
Sherlock: I mean… oh?
Irene: Harry decided to ask John to be in it
Irene: All the actually good actors are doing performing arts degrees and have exams and coursework coming up so we’ve had to resort to good old fashioned nepotism to fill the roles
Sherlock: What role is he?
Irene: Sebastian obviously. The only romantic interest for Antonio. Haven’t you read twelfth night?
Sherlock: I stopped studying English lit at GCSE. I’m not going through that horror show again by reading more Shakespeare
Irene: Read it anyway. See what you think.
Irene: Harry and I have a very specific vision for the play so we’d be interested to hear your takes
Sherlock: Fine. I’ll think about it.
Sherlock: But not because of John. Because I’m a good friend who will support you in your directorial debut
Irene: Sounds fake, but ok
~
Harry Watson to John Watson
Harry: I need you to be Molly Hooper’s twin brother
John: Wow. I knew the day would come where you would disown me, but I never thought it would be so soon…
Harry: I mean in a play, idiot
Harry: Me and this other girl Irene (goes to some of my lectures) are directing Twelfth Night and we have generously chosen you to play the part of Sebastian
John: Why? I’m not an actor
Harry: You pretended to be straight for 17 years but go off I guess
John: ????? I did not come here to be attacked like this
Harry: And yet it’s happening
Harry: Actually, it’s precisely your closeted, emotionally repressed energy from high school that you will be bringing to this role
John: Oh?
Harry: Picture this: a closeted bisexual man, separated from his twin sister in a storm, shipwrecked on a strange land, alone and isolated, except for his rescuer, a gorgeous and mysterious and brilliant man who happens to be a pirate
John: That’s literally the dream
Harry: Including being separated from your twin sister??
John: Especially being separated from my twin sister
Harry: Rude
Harry: Anyway, he takes him in, gives him food and shelter, someone to love and hold to fill the incurable void in his soul left by his sister’s apparent death during the shipwreck
Harry: But a part of him knows he should leave. He has to go into the city, find work until he can afford a ship back home, he has to leave this man - after all, where you come from it is wrong for two men to lie together as the two of you have. Alas, the fates and his own internalised homophobia issues are against him
Harry: Basically, that is the backstory for Sebastian Irene and I have pictured
John: Damn. What happens next?
Harry: That’s exactly where your first scene starts. Sebastian gets up in the early hours of the morning, ready to leave, and reluctantly says goodbye to his bf, Antonio.
Harry: Antonio follows him, as he knows Illyria (where it’s set) can be dangerous and is v protective. They reunite, but then soon separate, bcos Sebastian wants to explore and play tourist while Antonio waits in the inn
Harry: While they’re separated, a mysterious noble beautiful woman (Olivia) comes and proposes to him out of the blue
Harry: Sebastian doesn’t know what’s going on. Basically, Olivia has mistaken him for Cesario, who is Sebastian’s sister Viola in disguise (bcos she turned out just fine in the shipwreck then started cross-dressing to work for the count, who she’s in love with despite him having 0 redeeming qualities)
John: I’m so confused
Harry: That’s precisely what Sebastian thinks.
Harry: He finds her beautiful and lovely but can he marry someone he just met???
Harry: The answer is yes. Because it’s a Shakespeare play
Harry: Also because, as Irene and I interpret it, as reluctant as he is to leave Antonio, he also can’t stay with him. He’s an outsider in a dangerous place. Not to mention queer.
Harry: So he does what anyone would do and marries this woman bc A) he could end up happily married and safe or B) He could get enough money to go back home
Harry: By the time Sebastian and Antonio reunite again, several misunderstandings have occurred, so that by the end Antonio is arrested and alone, Sebastian has reunited with his sister, who will marry the count, and is married to Olivia.
John: I thought Twelfth Night was a comedy???
Harry: You thought WRONG
Harry: So what do you think
John: Yeah, I’ll do it. Seems fun
Harry: Great, I’ll let you know when we start rehearsing. Make sure to bring a couple of friends with you if you can.
Harry: Also, btw, Irene is working on getting Sherlock in as Antonio
Harry: He’s the guy you mentioned who goes to your anatomy lectures and corrects the professor
John: I’m sorry what
Harry: Yeah they’re friends
John: Oh my god
John: Wait a minute, is this just an elaborate way to set us up?
Harry: … No
Harry: How dare you accuse me of such a thing. When have I ever done something for you to believe me capable of such treachery
John: What about the time you dragged me to a party because you said everyone would be there and so he would be as well, except it turned out that he doesn’t like parties so I had to stand in a corner for 3 miserable lonely hours because you said it would be rude to leave
Harry: Fine. I admit it.
Harry: It would be a… happy side effect if you two got together. God knows I’ve heard way too much about how clever and hot he is over the last few months
Harry: But it’s mostly about Irene and I directing the perfect Twelfth Night
John: Fine. I’ll do it. Worst case scenario is I have a laugh doing this stupid play and I embarrass myself in front of him
Harry: Best case scenario you win the man of your dreams
John: Exactly. I have nothing to lose