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He remembers purple hair. That’s the only thing he can remember. From his dreams, from foggy maybe-memories. Keith supposes putting bright unnatural colors in one’s hair was a trend when he was a baby. It’s the only tangible thing he can remember—or thinks he remembers—about his mother. The knife though is very tangible. To own a knife like that, to deem it important enough to leave to her son, Keith knows his mother was also one tough customer. He thinks, in his deep down self he hopes, she would approve of the life he chose for himself. Would she see him as just a cog in a machine? Or would she see that he’s a part of something meaningful, that he’s doing his part to contribute to the advancement of human knowledge?
And what, he wonders, would she think of his current predicament?
Ugh! Why!?! Why would his brain, his fucking body, do this to him? His first real and actual crush. He couldn’t have some boring but normal crush on some celebrity belting out love songs and swaying their hips at concerts. No. His hormones—the fuckers!—decided that Shirogane was the embodiment of lust-worthy perfection. With his stupid hair cut. And his stupid strange eye color. And stupid muscles. And his stupid lips. And his stupid kind voice. And his stupidly amazing flying skills. Stupid fucking perfection.
So now he has to do his best to continue to act normal around Shiro. Keith has to close the mental door on his attraction to Shiro when they are around each other. He has to try to ignore the uncontrollable ways his body reacts to Shiro’s proximity.
He can’t pin down precisely why Shiro can’t know but there are a lot of reasons swirling around his head when he peaks behind that door. Keith’s age and Shiro’s distance from it, the fact that Shiro’s a higher rank than he is, and oh yeah let’s not forget Shiro’s partner. Keith values Shiro’s friendship, he feels understood because he talks to him like an equal. But he also values the respect he sees in Adam’s eyes during the few exchanges the two of them have had.
He knows, when he’s ready, Shiro will be the first he tells. For now, he vows to keep his secret. But in his dreams at night, he tells his mother and she gathers him in warms hugs full of acceptance. Her hair smells like lilacs.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~
There’s something out there. Keith can’t quite figure out where. An ominous cloud hangs over him, he can’t seem to shake it. Ever since he got the news of the Kerberos mission and left the Garrison something is...calling to him.
He thought he’d unloaded the major issue weighing on him. He had finally gotten up the courage and told Shiro that he liked him. “And yes in a friend way but also... in a boyfriend way.” He didn’t feel particularly courageous knowing that it would take over a week for Shiro to receive the message or that it would still be months before they would see each other in person again, but it was done. And that was better than he managed in years of pining in secret.
He’d had about twelve hours of relief and then the news had been broadcast that the crew of the mission to Kerberos was not responding to transmissions. Days later they were declared missing and many presumed they were dead.
Keith adamantly denied it. He started getting defensive whenever anyone would talk about them like they were dead. Adam just said the wrong thing at the wrong time and Keith happened to hear him. And then Keith’s fist happened to connect with his jaw.
The strange pulling feeling started shortly after he moved back out to the Shack. But being discharged from the Garrison was proving a surefire way to discredit himself. And so he continues to ride into the desert by himself. Following the feeling and zeroing in on it’s source. He doesn’t even have a name for what he’s looking for but who would he tell if he did.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~
Keith wouldn’t take it back even if he could. It was the truth. But now… now he doesn’t know how to ask if Shiro remembers. Because if he didn’t, well that would be awkward. And if he does remember, despite all the turmoil he went through between them and now, how does one even bring that up? ‘Hey, do you happen to remember me confessing my love to you? Yeah, while you were a clone of yourself and were trying to kill me.’ Yeah, no.
Keith used to be able to talk to Shiro about anything. And now, while they are closer than they’ve ever been in some respects, he just can’t seem to find the time or place to bring it up. With the others riding along in the Lions, there never seems to be a moment when the two of them are alone anyway.
And so he carries this around in his heart—on the tip of his tongue, sitting in the front of his brain—it’s almost distracting. Honestly, Keith is surprised one of the other Paladins hasn’t sensed it and brought it up. It’s not as if either of them are going anywhere anytime soon. They are stuck on this long journey together with their haphazard family. He’ll find a moment alone with Shiro eventually.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
What will Earth be like when they finally get back? Hunk and Lance and Pidge all have family waiting for them. Big families. In what ways will the people and the culture have changed? They’d been in the void for three years and so much had shifted out here. More time than that since he was on Earth.
Who was he going back to? Home, sure. A place, a planet, a people. But no one specific really. His family was all right here. All people he trusted with his life and more. Each one of them held a special piece of his heart.
One held a piece that was a bit bigger indeed. They’d always been thick as thieves. A connection that grew gradually but ran deep. This one had a piece before the paradigm shift, before the aligning of wills.
He knew he held a special piece in his heart too. A sliver of a dream seen through a fog. It shone bright and clear amongst the rest of the memories of that time. Loss of control. Anger. A scar. Falling. ‘I love you.’
He would never forget it. He just had no idea how to bring it up to Keith.