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He seemed to be the last one awake. That, assuming Kokonoe actually slept at all, but in any case, she seemed to have retired somewhere else nearby not to be bothered. Everyone else had found a resting spot inside the church, most likely in one of the makeshift beds that Celica and Noel had managed to arrange in the rooms on the far back, the same ones he, Ragna, their sister and caretaker had used all those years ago.
There was silence as the blond stood by the main entrance to the church’s nave, soft wind and crickets being the only sounds reaching his ears. The door was ajar, and a dim, warm light flickered from the inside. Had someone stayed there?
He pushed the door further and eased inside, finding the nave seemingly empty until his eyes found a familiar figure sitting on the last row of benches to the left side, on the very corner. Slumped over to the side and with crossed arms, was Ragna. Jin approached slowly and soon found that his brother was asleep. It certainly was unexpected, but he guessed even Ragna dozed off sometimes without meaning to, because surely he hadn’t meant to fall asleep while sitting there. He was certain Celica had offered him a much more comfortable place to rest, and knowing Ragna, he must have had accepted her offer just to keep her at ease.
“Nii-san” Jin called, tentatively. Some part of him figured Ragna wouldn’t feel so good about falling asleep so easily knowing he would be around. A sad thought in itself, but well justified.
There was no answer. Ragna continued breathing evenly, and despite his slightly tense posture, he seemed to be sleeping soundly. Jin did wonder how often his brother got to rest profoundly like that… surely not enough, always escaping from people and things that wanted him dead. Him included, most likely. Jin couldn’t even really think of a time that Ragna had actively tried to reach him, find him, approach him… anything, at least not after they stopped behaving like actual family. And that was a long time ago, when they were children and their biggest concerns were doing simple chores and collecting flowers for those silly crowns their sister and caretaker enjoyed making.
If anything, Jin had turned into something else for Ragna to run away from. Understandably so. Jin had made it clear that he’d be the one to kill him. Not that Ragna seemed to be particularly afraid of dying, but he certainly didn’t think his time had come yet. Somehow, Jin agreed for the time being.
It was a rare sight. His brother was so quiet, so vulnerable, so unlike everything he was when they were fighting. But so much like the Ragna he remembered from their childhood. A few details were different of course, but this was the closest he had seen in years to his memories from back then; and for a long moment Jin merely observed in silence. He hadn’t gotten the chance to look at Ragna like this ever since they crossed paths again, all because they were busy either battling or just glaring and throwing taunts at each other. Not that it could have been any different.
Jin moved to sit down on the opposite side of the bench. His brother slept on. The blond focused in on the sound of the other’s breathing. It reminded him of the times he had sneaked into his brother’s bed in the middle of the night in search of comfort after waking up from a nightmare. Ragna would mumble some soothing words and go right back to sleep, and Jin would doze off with the other’s relaxed breathing as a comforting background noise. His thoughts hadn’t dwelled back to those memories in such a long time. Most of the time he simply felt alienated from his own past.
Green eyes scanned the empty rows of benches before them and then settled on the equally empty altar across the room. There was nothing there to look at, but he felt like if he gazed at Ragna, the other would feel observed and would be quick to wake up. Jin wanted to make this moment last, even if all there was to it was the fact that he was sitting close to his brother in a peaceful atmosphere that they might never share again.
“Earlier, when we were first teleported here, I walked around and found that raspberry patch we used to go to with Sister. You used to search around for the nicest berries to give to the three of us… you never told us that, of course, but… I always noticed, you were quite diligent about it.” he began, softly. There was a slight echo to his voice because of the tall ceiling and the emptiness of the room, but he was certain his voice was still quiet enough not to disturb his brother’s slumber that easily. Ragna might not be really listening, but Jin didn’t mind. This was better than keeping his thoughts entirely to himself.
“It felt special, whenever you did something for us. I liked to pretend you did it for me , sometimes.” He paused, clenched his jaw briefly, and then continued. “I wanted to do things for you as well, but couldn’t always figure out exactly what or how. Whenever you wandered off to take naps under that oak tree, I tried to keep Sister busy so she wouldn’t go wake you up. I watched you work so hard all the time, after all.” Ragna had really been such a remarkable embodiment of what an elder brother was supposed to be. Jin used to look up to him with just so much admiration and wonder. His brother truly had been the best in his eyes.
“You haven’t changed much, in a way. A while ago, when you couldn’t remember which way the river was…” he chuckled lightly, then leaned back against the bench slowly. “It was just like back then. I nearly always went there with you, because you kept forgetting. I liked that, because it gave me an excuse to stick to your side for a while. Whenever we went there, I looked for a gift to give you. Some flower, a shiny stone, anything. I know you found it silly, but I didn’t mind because you would still smile at me and ruffle my hair.” at that time even the simplest displays of affection filled Jin’s heart with joy, and he hadn’t even noticed how deeply those particular memories had been engraved into his mind until now. It was an odd feeling.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jin saw something red shifting and he turned his head to watch Ragna seemingly hugging his jacket tighter around himself only to settle back down just a second after. Still silence from him. Jin contemplated ending his monologue, knowing it might be only a matter of time until his insistent talking would shake Ragna awake.
“I thought I remembered very little of that time. The truth is… since we were brought here, I realized I remember a lot. Most of it being about you, how you praised me when I behaved and how you got mad at me when I didn’t… but at times I’d do it on purpose just so you’d focus on me. I think you knew that, too.” Ragna used to know him so well, and yet never called him out on misbehaving on purpose. Jin liked imagining that Ragna allowed him to get away with it just because he couldn’t help indulging him.
There was a long pause while Jin mentally began telling himself he should stop and leave now. Clearly, he had gotten carried away.
“And then…” the fire, the very blurry and confusing but somehow fated incident that had changed everything forever. The very reason why the church they were currently in shouldn’t even exist. But Jin was grateful for this unexpected opportunity, and was also determined to finish talking before taking his leave, as much as he was aware he should be doing that sooner than later.
“We seemed to exist in entirely different worlds. This family that took me in, they nourished me in every way they could, but they were never like what you were to me once. My siblings, they despised me, all of them… and I couldn’t bring myself to care, ever. I didn’t think of the past either, I was determined not to be held back by it and all of its confusing fragments, but… perhaps, deep inside, I never stopped missing you.” No matter how much he busied himself with rigorous education and work, he had been quietly hoping for a sign that would provide even the faintest of traces that would make their paths cross again.
“Even having found you now, that seems to remain unchanged.” Jin still missed him, and always would. Because what they had before was snatched from them, their childhood, the pure bond they shared, the mere possibility of growing together and saving each other. No matter how he looked at it, all that tied him to Ragna now was the promise that he would be the one to take his brother’s life.
If that was his fate, so be it. As long as it was with Ragna.
Reluctantly, Jin fell quiet after that and just a moment later stood from the bench to take his leave. He glanced back at his brother’s form and let his gaze linger for a few additional seconds before finally heading to the door. He took notice of the frown on Ragna’s face and couldn’t help but think of how different that detail was from the much younger Ragna from his memories, whose expression used to be a lot more relaxed when he slept. Shame.
[...]
“Goodnight, nii-san” Jin had said right after exiting the room and as the sound of the blond’s soft steps walking away could be heard, Ragna slipped his eyes open, gloved hands clenching the red fabric of his jacket even tighter.
‘I miss you too…’