Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kara and Lena had only known each other for a few months the first time Kara says it.

Lena’s taken Kara out to lunch to her favorite place that isn’t completely vegan, the food probably more expensive than all the food Kara’s bought herself in the past week, but the chef is excellent, and it’s one of Lena’s favorite places to go.

“You know, you didn’t have to take me somewhere so fancy,” Kara points out, fiddling with her sleeve. “Makes me feel bad when I take you somewhere cheap.”

Lena waves her off, a certain guilt settling in her stomach. She wonders if Kara would even want to go out with her at all if she knew about the feelings that bubble in her chest whenever Lena sees her.

“I just thought you’d enjoy the food,” Lena tells her honestly. “It’s not about the money. I enjoy the places you take me to, sometimes even more than the more expensive places I usually go.”

Kara smiles down at the table and drums her fingers against it. She’s silent for a minute, the small, soft smile lighting her face in a way Lena wishes she could look at forever.

But Kara looks up, asking Lena how her day has been, and Lena has to snap herself out of the daze Kara’s smile always puts her in. She launches into a story about some issue she had at work this morning, careful not to think about the look Kara gets in her eye when Lena tells her stories.

Ten minutes later, and in the middle of Kara complaining about Alex eating the last of her favorite cereal, the waiter sets down their food. Lena has to stop herself from laughing at the way Kara eyes her food. She’s never seen anyone as enthusiastic about eating as Kara is. It’s adorable.

Kara digs in the second the waiter leaves, taking a huge bite of the pasta in front of her. She lets out a practically obscene moan, enough that Lena feels something stirring in her gut that she’d rather not feel in the middle of an Italian restaurant on a crowded Wednesday afternoon.

“God, this is amazing,” Kara groans once she swallows. She looks at Lena, her eyes wide and earnest. “I love you, Lena.” Her eyes seem to widen further in time with the swelling of Lena’s heart. “...for taking me here. Seriously, this is like, the best pasta I’ve ever had.”

Lena thinks it’s because she hasn’t heard anyone say that to her honestly since she was a kid, but her eyes begin to well. She takes a shaky breath and swallows around the thickness in her throat and reminds herself that Kara didn’t mean it like that.

“I’m glad you like it,” Lena says, and her smile isn’t even forced, though her voice may waver.

Kara grins back, and if she notices Lena’s eyes are teary, she decides not to say anything, instead tucking back into her pasta dish.

Lena takes a bite of her own food, and comes to the easy, effortless, inevitable realization that she’s probably in love with Kara Danvers.

The second time Kara says it, it’s after Lena killed Jack to save Supergirl.

When Kara takes Lena into her arms, Lena’s never felt safer in her life. She sinks into it, more touch starved than she ever thought she was. She wants to stay in Kara’s arms for the rest of her life, shielded from every bad thing the world could possibly throw at her.

“You don’t have to be afraid,” Kara whispers to her, pulling Lena close until they’re firmly pressed together. Lena reaches up to grab Kara’s wrist, stroking her thumb across the back of her hand, simply because she can’t fight the urge to touch Kara everywhere she can. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Lena huffs a laugh. She’s heard the same words said to her before, and every single person who’s said it is gone now.

“Promise?” she asks, but it’s almost sarcastic. A promise like this would only be empty.

Lena feels Kara shift above her, lean closer, and seem to second guess herself.

“I will always be your friend,” Kara swears, and Lena aches with how badly she wants to believe her. “And I will always protect you. I promise.”

Lena would give anything for it to be the truth. She wants to believe that she’ll get to have this for the rest of her life, whether platonic or not, but she also knows that any good thing in her life has never lasted long. And Kara is the best thing she’s ever had in her life, probably that she ever will.

“There’s nothing you could do to change my mind,” Kara tells her, and it’s suddenly too much for Lena. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “No matter what. You’re good, Lena. I’ll always believe that, believe in you.”

Kara shifts, and this time she presses a soft kiss onto Lena’s forehead.

“I love you,” Kara murmurs, the words pressed into Lena’s skin. It’s intimate in a way Lena’s never had.

But Lena doesn’t want to fool herself into being convinced. How could Kara possibly love her after what she did? Given who her family is and what everyone believes Lena will inevitably do? And especially not in the way Lena has spent most of her nights in the months since she met Kara dreaming about.

“I’m a monster,” Lena protests, her voice is thick and teary, but she doesn’t open her eyes or pull away from Kara.

“You’re not,” Kara insists, impossibly tugging Lena closer, hugging her a little tighter. “You never could be.”

Lena takes a breath, and, for a second, she pretends that she believes her.

The third time Kara says it, it’s completely out of nowhere.

Kara had seemed off after their conversation about Supergirl. When they had made it up to Alex’s apartment to see Ruby, Kara’s smiles were forced, and she was mostly silent while Lena and Alex tried to comfort Ruby as best they could. She only ate a few spoonfuls of the carton of ice cream Lena shoved into her hands despite it being her favorite flavor.

Lena was worried, to say the least.

Once Ruby had been consoled and at least mildly convinced that she and her mother would be all right enough to stop crying, and even give the three of them a weak smile as she thanked them and said she was ready for bed, Alex assures both Kara and Lena that it would be okay for them to leave. Ruby’s probably going to sleep for hours anyway.

As Lena rises from the couch, extremely tired herself and not at all looking forward to work in the morning, Kara jumps up, and pulls Alex close, muttering something to her in what seems like a panic. Lena tries not to read into the way Alex’s eyes keep flicking over to her and she shifts uncomfortably.

Alex says something to Kara, squeezes her arm, and hugs her tight. When they pull away, Kara gives Lena a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, and motions towards the door.

Lena tries not to wonder what that was about, and tells herself it probably had something to do with Sam.

They step outside and head back towards the elevator, an uncomfortable silence falling between them. When they step inside, Kara stuffs her hands in her pockets and rocks back and forth on her heels.

“Lena...” Kara starts, then bites her lip. “You...” Kara swallows. “You know I love you, right?”

Lena feels herself tense. She doesn’t know why Kara would say that to her right now, completely out of the blue, and she knows from experience with her mother that it’s probably because she wants something from her.

But Kara doesn’t say anything else. She just looks at Lena expectantly, still rocking back and forth and chewing on her lip.

Lena blinks at her.

“You do, don’t you?” Kara asks again, and there’s almost a desperate lilt to her voice.

Lena opens her mouth, but she has no clue what she’s going to say.

Lena doesn’t know if she believes that anyone loves her. That anyone ever could.

The elevator pings open, and Lena steps out without answering.

The fourth time Kara says it, it’s in front of all of their friends.

It’s game night, and, given that it was his week to pick the game, Brainy made the absolutely horrible decision for them to play monopoly. Thirty minutes in, he was deeply regretting his choice.

“I don’t understand,” Brainy mutters after landing on income tax right after GO for the third time in a row. “This shouldn’t be statistically possible. The odds of this happening are—”

“Illinois!” Kara yells, slamming her character down on the board before obnoxiously clapping her hands. Lena feels herself smiling softly. “I just need Kentucky and you guys are all done!”

James and Alex groan, Alex slumping back into the chair behind her spot on the floor. Nia drops her face into her hands. Brainy is still staring down at the board like it’s personally betrayed him, and, in a way, Lena supposes it has.

Lena stares at Kara dreamily.

Kara’s glee quickly turns suspicious once she notices that Kentucky is already taken.

“Who has Kentucky?” Kara demands, almost frantic. It’s adorable how seriously Kara takes this game. “Lena!”

That snaps Lena out of her Kara induced stupor. She raises an eyebrow at Kara, even though she knows what’s coming next, and she knows that she can’t stop it.

“Yes, Kara?” she asks, and Alex groans again, even louder this time. She seems to know, too.

“I’ll trade you for Kentucky,” Kara offers. “I’ll give you the brown and the blue set.”

Brainy scoffs, and if Lena hadn’t known this was a terrible deal that would’ve proved it.

“Yeah, okay,” Lena says anyway, and it’s worth it for the way Kara squeals in delight as Lena hands over the card.

“I love you so much, Lena!” Kara exclaims, already building a house on Kentucky.

And Lena knows that Kara is just excited, and she’ll never say it how Lena wants her to, but her heart still sings. She lets herself have this, a wide smile stretching across her face.

She’d rather hear Kara say that than win at Monopoly any day.

“Absolutely cannot relate,” Nia mutters under her breath.

The fifth time Kara says it, it’s after Lena finds out she’s Supergirl.

Lena had been about to be shot, and Kara had jumped in front of her at the last second, just as Lena had closed her eyes.

Her eyes shoot open a second later, fully expecting to see her best friend, probably the love of her life, bleeding out in front of her, but Kara is still in front of her, alive.

And holding the bullet.

Lena sucks in a breath, the realization hitting her like a ton of bricks.

Kara is Supergirl.

And she had been lying to Lena for years.

Lena staggers a step back, mixed feelings of elation that her and Kara are alive and betrayal that Kara had kept this from her for so long flooding through her.

Kara turns to look at her, her eyes wide and pleading for Lena to understand, but the man who shot at Lena makes his next move and Kara has no choice but to turn back to him.

Lena, against all of her usual standards, runs away.

It’s a few hours later that Kara finds her in her apartment, almost halfway through a bottle of scotch and not at all feeling better.

She doesn’t come through the window like Supergirl does. She knocks on the door.

When Lena opens it, she heavily considers slamming it in her face and downing the rest of the bottle on the spot.

She lets Kara in.

Lena doesn’t look at her, she just sits down on her couch again and tips back the entire rest of her glass. She pours herself another.

“You shouldn’t drink so much,” Kara says tentatively. Lena rolls her eyes.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have lied to me for years,” Lena throws back, taking another big sip.

Kara winces, and a part of Lena delights in it.

“You said all those things to me,” Lena continues, slamming her glass down on the table. Some of the scotch sloshes over the edge. “About how you’d always be there for me. That you’d always believe me. That I wasn’t just a Luthor to you. But that was all a lie, wasn’t it? That’s why you didn’t tell me. Because you couldn’t trust a Luthor with your secret.”

Kara’s eyes widen, and she shakes her head quickly. She shifts like she’s going to move towards Lena, but clearly thinks better of it.

“That has nothing to do with it, Lena!” Kara insists, and the distraught note in her voice makes Lena want to pull her close and just forgive her, but she can’t. She can’t. “I didn’t tell you because I wanted to protect you!”

Lena scoffs and stands, folding her arms across her chest.

“That’s why all of your other friends know?” Lena asks. Kara swallows and looks away. “You only care about me knowing and not them?”

Kara shakes her head again, and this time she does step closer.

“Lena, you already have so many people trying to kill you, I didn’t want to put you in more danger because you knew,” Kara explains, twisting her hands in what Lena knows is a nervous habit. Lena usually thinks it’s cute, but right now it just pisses her off.

“That’s just it, Kara, it wouldn’t have mattered if I knew because I’m always in danger anyway,” Lena says, and the anger is starting to fade away, replaced by the utter and complete devastation of knowing that the one person she had truly trusted had been lying to her for years. “Who cares if it’s because I’m a Luthor, or my brother wants attention, or someone doesn’t like one of my products, or because I know who Supergirl is? It doesn’t matter. Someone’s always trying to kill me.”

“I care!” Kara bursts out, and her voice is a weird mix of desperate and angry and completely wrecked. “I care because I love you so damn much and if you died or were hurt and it was because of me, because you knew who I am, it would kill me, Lena! I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to you because of me!”

There’s a long stretch of silence where Lena takes this in. The words “I love you” echo in Lena’s ears along with the pounding of her heart, and she closes her eyes, listens. It might be the last time she hears Kara say it.

“If you really loved me,” Lena spits before she can even think to stop herself. “You wouldn’t have lied to me like every single other person I’ve ever loved.”

Kara’s face falls in a way Lena never wanted to see. And even though Lena is mad at her, so fucking mad at her, it still breaks her heart.

“You didn’t tell me your secret,” Lena continues, because apparently one blow isn’t enough. “But I still got hurt because of it anyway.”

And then she turns, heads into her bedroom, and slams the door behind her.

“You know,” Kara says thoughtfully one day, long after she and Lena had made up. “There’s another secret I’ve been keeping from you.”

It’s a beautiful day out, and Kara had invited Lena to come with her to the park just outside the city, not nearly as popular as the one inside of it. There were a few other people around, a couple holding hands and strolling down the path, a family of five with the parents sitting in the grass and the children circling them in a game of chase, and a few others wandering around while Kara and Lena were sitting under an old oak tree, the shade nice on such a sunny day.

Kara is sitting, back against the tree, her gaze downward and her hands picking at the grass, pulling some of the blades out of the dirt.

“And what’s that?” Lena asks, giving her an appraising look. “I hope it’s not as bad as the last one. I’m not really in the mood to fight.”

Kara’s lips uptick into a small smile, and she pulls up a particularly long piece of grass.

“No, no,” Kara tells her. “It’s a good thing. It’s...it’s the best thing.”

Lena is really curious now, especially as Kara squares her shoulders and looks up at her, her gaze more intense than Lena has seen in a while.

“I love you,” Kara says bluntly, honestly.

As much as Lena loves to hear it—the quickening of her heart and the smile pulling at her lips says just as much—it isn’t much of a secret.

“You’ve told me before,” Lena points out with a confused smile. “A few times, actually.”

“No, I...” Kara sighs in frustration, taking her hands out of the grass and smoothing them down her pants. She stares determinedly down at her legs. “I love you, love you. Like, I’m in love with you. And I’ve tried to tell you before because I have been for years, but it’s always come out at the wrong time and I probably wasn’t clear enough or I didn’t know how to explain and I was so scared to tell you, especially after you finding out my secret because I thought you’d never feel the same because you’re so amazing, Lena, and I’m just me and I lied to you and you could do so much better, I’m sure, and—”

Before Kara can continues to ramble, Lena touches a finger to Kara’s jaw, turns her face towards her, and kisses her.

It’s soft and chaste, but Lena feels it through her whole body like a closed current. Kara makes a small sound against Lena’s lips before kissing her back, her hands reaching up to cup Lena’s face.

Lena moves to pull away, but Kara chases her lips and kisses her again, a little harder, a little deeper, but still sweet.

“Oh,” Kara whispers, once Lena does manage to pull away. Her eyes are still closed, but awe is written across all of her features.

“If you didn’t get it,” Lena begins, and she’s sure the same awe Kara feels is reflected in her own voice. “I love you, too.”

“Good,” Kara says softly, her eyes blinking open. “That’s really good. That’s amazing. I never—”

Lena kisses her again, threading her fingers into Kara’s hair.

“I love you so much,” Kara sighs against Lena’s lips. She pecks her lips one more time before pulling back, her eyes serious. “And I’m going to keep saying it until I’m sure you believe it.” Kara clearly wants it to sound like a threat, but she’s grinning so wide her face must hurt.

Lena smiles back at her, and her heart feels like it might burst from her chest.

Even a few months ago, Lena wouldn’t have believed. She would’ve insisted that Kara didn’t trust her, only saw her as a Luthor, and was just trying to make Lena believe her again. A year ago she would’ve said that Kara didn’t mean it, no matter how much she wanted her to. And two years ago? She would’ve said that she was someone Kara would never be able to come to love.

But now? Well, Kara doesn’t need to worry. She knows how much she means to Kara; the lengths Kara went to to gain back Lena’s trust and friendship again over the past few months just proves that. And, she can see the way Kara is looking at her, the way Kara’s lips track Lena’s mouth as it curls into a smile, the way her eyes flick back up to Lena’s and there’s nothing but the love and honestly Lena never thought she’d get from another person reflected back in them.

Lena believes her.