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Jeremy Heere has not been in a hotel in a long time. He can't even remember how he reacted to it the last time. Was it dirty to him? Contaminated? Maybe it didn't matter the last time. But it matters now, and if he doesn't know how to feel about a situation contamination-wise, he has some stressful choices to make. He wants to decide the hotel is clean, and the bed will not contaminate him, and he doesn't have to shower in the morning and he can lay his hands anywhere on the bed. But it doesn't work like that, because nothing is ever easy, and he's plagued by all kinds of stupid questions that convince him he's made a bad decision. Like, are the bedsheets washed between stays? Who puts them on the bed? Were their hands dirty? That's just a sample of the stupid things Jeremy worries about, but their stupidity doesn't matter, because they're all very important to him. He needs to make the right choices, otherwise he'll be dirty and wrong and bad, and the purity that he works so hard to maintain will fall apart.
Speaking of things falling apart, Jeremy is really afraid of that happening between him and Michael, who is currently lying next to him. It's two in the morning, and Michael is sleeping soundly. Jeremy wants to be sleeping right now. He wants to be sleeping with Michael, pressed up against him, with Michael's arms encasing him and making him finally feel safe (which is a totally useless feeling to be having, because even if they were together, the word encasing sounds stupid, and also nothing could make Jeremy feel safe.)
Sometimes Jeremy tries to think differently, as if trying to be positive will actually help him. He does it anyways, but it usually ends up pretty weird. Like, right now he wants to think positively and say to himself, "It's okay to want to be with Michael, even if it's weird and he's your best friend." But, wanting something is usually bad, and he should be content with who he is and what he's got, right? Isn't that sort of what he learned from the SQUIP? Maybe repressing all his feelings for Michael is worse, though. That's what the SQUIP would have made him do. Or maybe it would have blocked those feelings out entirely. Whatever, it doesn't matter, Jeremy is used to blocking out thoughts so he doesn't have to think about the SQUIP and he doesn't have to think about Michael. He wishes he didn't have to think about anything, sometimes. Or all the time. But especially right now, because he's feeling restless and guilty and scared. He feels like he has to do something about this, because he's either going to go to sleep until he wakes up feeling the same way (not happening, mostly because he can't sleep), or he's going to lie there and stare at a wall for like 6 more hours, with the same end result. So, yeah, he needs another option.
Crying is another option. Crying and going to the bathroom to wash his hands is a perfectly reasonable option. He made the wrong choice earlier, Jeremy thinks, when he tried to be okay with a bed that is not his own... it seems so dirty now, and he feels dirty and guilty himself, and he can't stop crying. Nothing is even wrong! He's on a trip to go see a Weezer concert with his favorite person in the world! Why can't he just be a person, for once? For once?
Jeremy cries, sitting in the bathroom, and even though it sucks, he likes the bathroom more than the bed. It has a fan, which is calming, and it looks sorta like his grandma's bathroom. And it's the closest thing to escape he has right now. He washes his hands once again, and gets ready to go back to bed. He's realized, recently, that he's obsessed with getting out of situations, and has been ever since he was little. Like when he would go to a sleepover, and he would wish and wish and wish for something to happen to get him out of there, like his Dad coming to pick him up, even if he was enjoying the sleepover. He just so commonly feels like there isn't a way out of where he is, like he's just stuck, and completely helpless, and he hates that feeling so much. According to Michael, the need to feel in control can cause a lot of OCD issues. Right now Jeremy kind of just wants to get out of his own head, and he wants.... he NEEDS something to happen, even though it's unreasonable, and even if he doesn't know what. Just Something. Whatever. He'll just to go back to bed. When he leaves the bathroom, he sees Michael sitting up in the bed. Maybe that's Something.
Michael is looking towards Jeremy, who doesn't say anything. He waves at Michael, which is an awkward thing to do in the middle of the night, but whatever. Michael waves back, and Jeremy doesn't know what to say so he just crawls into bed.
"Did I wake you up?" Jeremy thinks he should ask Michael, so he does.
"Nah, I always wake up at night. And then I noticed you weren't in bed and got confused, but that was only a couple minutes ago, when I realized you were in the bathroom and decided to wait until you got back, in case something was wrong." Michael said. He talks a lot, even at night.
"Oh."
"Is something wrong?" Michael asks Jeremy.
Jeremy almost reflexively answers that he's fine, just tired, but then he thinks that if Michael is asking he probably knows something is up, and Jeremy really does want a chance to talk about how he feels, and he knows he will feel even weirder about not saying anything than just talking. And then he would regret not having chose to talk now so he wouldn't have to initiate a conversation later or act weird for a while.
"Jeremy?" Michael says, because Jeremy kinda just zoned out.
"Oh. Oh, uh, yeah, I mean, I guess I'm fine. Not really. I don't know. It's the middle of the night, you sure you're up for dealing with me right now? I mean, I know you're probably asking out of politeness or whatever, but it's fine, you can go back to sleep." Jeremy answers. Michael doesn't like this answer, as evident by the look on his face.
"Asking out of politeness?" he says with finger quotes. "Dude, who do you think I am?"
Jeremy shrugs uncomfortably. "I'm just trying to make sure..."
"It's alright. Just tell me what's up."
Jeremy sighs. "I'm just..." He always has trouble explaining how he feels. He goes off on tangents and loses what his original thought process was and usually doesn't even make the point he was going for. "I'm overthinking everything. Like... like always. I just feel," like crying, "stuck."
Jeremy balls up the comforter in his hands and tries not to think about how potentially unclean it is.
"Is it... OCD stuff?" Michael guesses, sitting up against the headboard.
"Yeah, I guess." Jeremy answers. He's looking down at his hands."Sometimes I just- I just get this feeling of being totally not in control, and scared, and like there isn't anything I can do about it, when there isn't anything actually wrong." His voice starts to waver. "Like I just need to get out, like something needs to get me away from where I am, and, and," Jeremy should stop, because he's gotten worked up so quickly and if he keeps going he'll break down in front of Michael, and he really doesn't want that tonight, but he can't calm down. "I can't stop thinking, Michael, everything feels wrong-"
Michael puts his hand on Jeremy's shoulder. "Jeremy, Jere, it's alright. We can go to the vending machine or something if you want, get out of the room."
Jeremy shakes his head, frantically. He knows he's freaking out, and being totally irrational, but he keeps going anyways. "It won't work, I'll still feel weird, and guilty that it didn't work, and I just, I just want to cry and have you, have you hug me and, I'm sorry I do this all the time I know nothing's wrong and I'm being dumb I'm so sorry I just needed to do this to feel okay and-"
"You're not being dumb," Michael interrupts. He had wrapped Jeremy into a hug while he was freaking out. Jeremy's breathing is uneven and he can't control it, which he hates. But he likes that Michael is holding him.
Michael continues trying to calm him down. "You- you can cry if you want. And I can hug you. It's alright."
"It's- It's not like I really have a- a choice on-on the crying part any-anymore," Jeremy says through tears, trying to be funny. What's he even so upset about?
They stay like that, in a hug. Jeremy likes this. He feels bad right now, obviously, but this feels good, really good, and he doesn't want it to stop. So he cries it out, and he thinks about all the stupid crappy feelings he's had recently and the bad uncomfortable things he wants to be comforted about, like how much he hates feeling out of place and how much he hates not knowing what to do and feeling so on the edge of something on the time, but not really knowing what it really is, or how to finally go over the edge. That didn't make sense, but he doesn't know when the right time is to go over the edge, or maybe a better term is spill the beans, (spill the beans is a horrible phrase) to Michael, about how much he cares about him and god maybe he should just do it tonight while he's vulnerable and stop overthinking EVERYTHING.
Jeremy cries because he thinks about all the bad scenarios that can happen from telling Michael. Jeremy cries because he ALWAYS is thinking about worst scenarios. Jeremy cries because this is supposed to be a good scenario and he has to ruin it by making drama where there is none because apparently if he can't relax than neither can anyone else.
And he cries about the stupid fucking maybe-dirty hotel bed.
And then he starts to calm down. Michael is sort of awkwardly patting Jeremy on the back. He must have been holding him for a while. Jeremy tries really hard to stop crying, and he sort of does, but his breathing is still all out of whack.
"Hey, buddy," Michael says gently, pulling himself out of the hug. His hands are going up and down Jeremy's arms. "How ya doin'?"
"Uhh," Jeremy tries. He still sounds like he's crying, but it's not as bad now. "Thanks, Michael," he says, which isn't an answer, but it's close enough to what he wants to say.
Michael ruffles Jeremy's hair. "No problemo, Jeremo."
Jeremy scoffs, but nicely. He doesn't shove Michael's hand away. He just looks at him. Michael doesn't move his hand off of Jeremy's head, he just lets it sit there. Jeremy loves him. He loves him so much. He doesn't want Michael to move any farther away from him ever again, but also this is weird, just looking at each other like this and he doesn't know what to do and...
"Hey, Michael?" Jeremy says.
"Yeah?"
"You-you're the best.
Michael slides his hand off Jeremy's head. "Yeah, I know." He smiles. "You didn't really explain the OCD stuff, by the way," Michael mentions, but hurriedly adds, " You don't have to. Just wondering."
"Oh, yeah," Jeremy says. "Do you think they wash the sheets?"
"Yeah, dude, they always wash the sheets. I'm pretty sure it's illegal not to, or something."
"Well, I was worried they were dirty. Still am. But it's whatever."
"I think whether or not they're dirty is more of a mental thing." Michael says, but like, yeah, Jeremy thinks, of course it's a mental thing.
Michael laughs. "Also, dude, you watch dirtier stuff than any sheets on a daily basis."
"I don't- Shut up!" Jeremy laughs back.
Michael makes a dirty gesture, and Jeremy shoves his hand away. They start playfully hitting each other, laughing. Michael grabs Jeremy's hands, and Jeremy stills.
Michael immediately lets go. "Oh, shit, sorry man, I forgot-" he starts, but then stops, because Jeremy is smiling, and has taken back Michael's hands. Jeremy is trying to not care right now if Michael's hands are dirty.
"It's fine," Jeremy tells Michael. "This is fun."
"Yeah, dude, totally. Very fun."
"Super." Jeremy whispers. He looks at Michael in the dark. Why do they keep doing the awkwardly looking at each other thing? Not that Jeremy would ever complain about getting to look at Michael.
"Is it... Is it weird, if I, I kind of don't want to stop doing this? Like, ever?" Jeremy asks Michael. Michael gets this look on his face that Jeremy doesn't fully understand, but Jeremy sees him play it off.
"Why would we ever stop doing dumb friend things?" Michael says, wiping his hands on his PJ pants.
Jeremy knows that Michael knows that isn't what Jeremy meant. "No, Michael, like, like," He sighs, "Like what we were just doing."
Michael looks nervous. He asks, "You mean this?" and makes some more weird hand gestures.
Jeremy thinks that what he wants to do next might be going to far, but he wants to do it anyway. "No," he starts, and then grabs Michael's hands, "I mean this."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
They don't make eye contact. Instead they both stare at their laps. Jeremy shouldn't have done that, he's just made things weird, maybe they should just go to sleep and forget about this, Jeremy almost says, but then he feels Michael squeeze his hands and take a deep breath.
"Hey, Jeremy?"
Jeremy looks up at Michael. "Uh. Yeah?"
"I'm gonna do something, okay?"
What? "Um, okay."
"Just... tell me if you want me to stop."
Jeremy watches Michael scoot closer to him, and feels Michael move his hand to his knee. Jeremy really can't think right now. His eyes widen, and he tries not to breathe, or move, they're so close to each other and holy crap, Michael is leaning in!
Jeremy's brain somehow tells him he should close his eyes, and then. They're kissing. Holy shit, they're kissing! Sort of. Michael's doing most of the work. Stop thinking, Jeremy!
Michael leans back. "Jeremy?" he says, tentatively, "You look scared."
"Wow," Jeremy says. He doesn't know what else to say.
"Was that okay? Are you okay?" Michael asks, and takes his hands away from Jeremy. Jeremy takes a deep breath, because he totally does not have the processing power for this. He knows they'll have to talk about this, and what it means, and what that means for them, and they'll probably have a shitload of stuff to work through, but Jeremy doesn't want to think about that right now, or ever.
"That was fucking awesome," Jeremy tells Michael, smiling, even though everything else other than Michael sucks right now.
Michael smiles back. "Really?"
Jeremy nods. He feels like he's in a whole other universe. Jeremy's actually fairly used to that, because pretending he isn't in 'the real world' can help him feel a little better, because then he doesn't feel like he has to overthink everything as much. That is kind of what he's tried to do this entire trip. (It's easy to do on trips, because you're already Away.) Of course, this also comes with a lot of downfalls, like going overboard with not thinking, and doing stupid stuff, and then being unable to handle the consequences.
Michael puts his hand back on Jeremy's shoulder. "You still look scared, man."
Jeremy shrugs. He is still scared. He still feels bad, and he still feels guilty, even with all this good stuff happening. Although, he does feel less stuck, because something did happen, and it was definitely the best thing to possibly have happened.
Michael cares about Jeremy way more than he deserves. "Are you sure you're okay?" Michael asks asks, quietly.
Jeremy shrugs. He really wants to feel okay, because he knows he should. But if he said he was he would be lying, and he doesn't want to lie to Michael anymore. "No. But I think... I think it's just like that sometimes. I just have to deal with it." He sort of smiles. "It's okay. It's not your fault."
"I really want there to be something I could do to help-"
"You ARE helping," Jeremy interrupts, "You're always helping. You're the best. You can't fix things out of your control." Neither can Jeremy.
Michael seems unsatisfied with that answer, but he doesn't press it.
"Okay. But... um... can I still, like, hug you again?"
"Yeah," Jeremy says softly. "That sounds good."
Jeremy lays his head against Michael's chest, and eventually they find themselves laying down, together. Even though Jeremy still feels not great, he can recognize a good thing when it happens, and this is absolutely a good thing. He has all kinds of angsty and unnecessary thoughts that night (Jeremy hates himself for all of that,) and he isn't going to lie to himself and say everything's going well, but he feels better and more content than he did an hour ago. He successfully talked about his feelings, in a completely honest way, and he doesn't have the same urge to leave. It's so much easier to feel okay when he's with Michael, especially like this. He loves Michael. And Michael (probably) loves him back. Which is totally fucking awesome.