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The problem with being placed in a single dorm his sophomore year of college is that he has no one to talk with late at night.
By the time you’re a sophomore you have your own group of friends and you’re not into keeping your dorm door open to allow for visitors. So Darren is stuck alone on Wednesday night with nothing to do and no one to talk to. It’s eleven, and normally Darren would be doing something. But there’s nothing to do, and there’s no one to talk to, and he’s bored.
He’s braver at night. Everyone is, he thinks.
Thoughts come to him at night. Thoughts that never come to him when the sun is shining or when he’s hanging out on campus with a bunch of friends.
He plays with his laptop, checking Facebook and finding some fun things on YouTube. But nothing satisfies him, and he can’t stop that little voice in his head that says, Just do it Darren. No one will know. You’ve done it before.
So he does. He closes his laptop and puts it under his bed. He grabs his cell phone from his side table and types the password in. He can’t help himself from looking around—he lives alone and he still can’t help but check for privacy.
It’s only when he’s really bored and alone that he does this. It’s only when the sun’s down and he can’t sleep and there is absolutely nothing to fill his attention that he pulls up the App Store and downloads Grindr.
He’s never, ever, met up with someone in real life from Grindr. But he has had a few really great conversations. He’s traded a few pictures. He’s had phone sex.
But for the past few months when he’s logged on, he’s looked for someone in particular.
Someone with blue eyes and pale skin, an awesome body and a great smile.
His name is Chris, and he sort of terrifies Darren.
They’ve only known each other for two months, and while they’ve never met face to face, it takes all of Darren’s will power to turn Chris down every time he asks Darren if he wants to come over.
I can’t, Darren always responds.
After the first three times that happened Chris stopped talking to Darren. Darren would download Grindr and send Chris a message when the green circle popped up. He’d long ago put Chris on his Favorites list. Chris wouldn’t respond and Darren would get sad and talk to someone else, uninstalling the app before going to bed.
If there’s no proof of it, then it’s easier to pretend that it never happened. He can erase it from his mind.
Hey Darren. What’d you do last night?
Definitely didn’t jerk off to pictures of college dick while fantasizing about having one up my ass.
After a week of Chris never responding to Darren’s hellos, Darren (drunkenly) decided to confess the truth one Saturday. It was two in the morning and he had just gotten back from a Friday night party at his friend’s house off campus, and he was feeling a bit lonely because two of his friends went home with girls and he went home with no one. Not that he didn’t try. It just so happened that the girl he was flirting with and dancing with had a boyfriend.
So when he got home he downloaded Grindr and sent Chris a message. Chris wasn’t online, but Darren didn’t care. He was three seconds away from passing the fuck out.
ive nevr done anything wit a guy and i dont think im gay n i think ur hot but im scared
He forgot to uninstall Grindr that night, and he passed out in his boxers before he could even take his socks off. He was smart enough, however, to leave a trash can next to his bed before he went out that night.
He woke up early in the morning with a raging head ache and a stomach ache. Leaning over the bed, he grabbed the trash can and vomited the contents of his stomach before rolling over and passing out again. When he came to the second time, it was noon and he was still feeling queasy, but not overly so. He rolled out of bed and grabbed the Brita filter from his mini fridge before pouring the water into his mouth. Half of it landed on his bare chest, but the cool water was welcome. Afterwards he undressed and grabbed a towel, heading to the bathroom to piss and shower.
When he got back from the shower he threw on some briefs and hoped back into bed. He was feeling much more refreshed now and was in the mood to grab hangover food with his friends. He grabbed his phone so he could text everyone and see if they were down for Chinese when he saw the notification.
It was from Grindr, and Chris messaged him.
Darren didn’t even remember installing Grindr. He didn’t remember if he messaged Chris or any other guys. His heartbeat picked up and his throat went dry and Darren wass suddenly terrified of what he could have sent Chris.
He had never done this with the sun up. He wanted to delete the app immediately, pretend like he didn’t see it. He wanted to grab Chinese with his friends and go back to pretending that everything is dandy.
If he deleted this now and didn’t look at the message then he could pretend like this never happened.
But he couldn’t, because after a week of radio silence Chris finally messaged him. So he opened up Grindr.
When I was in the 11th grade, someone outed me.
Also, I think you’re cute too.
Darren almost barfed again.
He grabbed his trash can and put it on the bed, leaning forward so his mouth is above the opening. He stayed like that for five minutes until he knew he wouldn’t hurl. Afterwards he uninstalled Grindr, put on clothes, and texted his friends.
I need food, he says.
They met up for Chinese and recounted stories from their night. Then they made plans for tonight.
“Let’s go to a frat,” Darren said.
They all looked at him like he’s crazy.
They never went to frats. Not anymore. Not since freshman year, at least. Now that they all have friends, and many of their friends are older and live off campus, they went to house parties instead. They’re more fun, the booze is better, and the people are cooler. Plus, frats are disgusting and filled with drunk freshman girls who are looking for a hook up.
“We haven’t been to one in a while,” Darren said guiltily.
“Sure,” his friends nodded, a bit confused. But in the end they went to a frat party.
Darren attached himself to the first attractive girl he could find and took her home that night.
But it’s been two months since he sent that message to Chris, two months since the frat, and since then they’ve been talking regularly. Chris has asked Darren for his cell phone number, but Darren politely declined twice, so Chris never asked again.
But most nights now if Darren isn’t out with friends, he’ll download Grindr and talk to Chris. Sometimes they jerk off together, sometimes they laugh and tell jokes. Sometimes they just talk about their days.
It’s been two months they’ve known each other. Two months since Darren sent that text message. It’s early on a Friday night. He’s sober. He’s bored. He didn’t want to go out and party with his friends. He just wanted to stay home—so he did.
He stayed home and he’s sort of tired and he’s completely bored and he’s flirting with Chris and asking Chris what movie he should watch on Netflix.
Something funny, Chris says.
Like what? Darren asks.
A silly romance.
Those aren’t fun to watch alone
I would agree.
Come over? Darren asks. His heart is beating fast and he’s totally breaking out in a sweat, and he thinks he might throw up because of how many emotions are coursing through his head and his heart and his body.
I hear these movies are better with a cuddle partner
Really? Chris asks.
I live in the Burlodge, Darren replies, holding his breath.
On my way
Darren gives himself ten seconds to breathe slowly, then rushes around his room, picking things up and putting things away and spraying to make sure everything smells good and brushing his teeth and making his bed. He’s about to freak out and back out of everything and tell Chris not to come when his phone vibrates.
I’m here, Chris says. I understand if you wanna back out. I’ll wait for ten minutes and if you don’t come down, no biggie.
Darren spends the first three minutes thinking he actually will back out. But then his heartbeat picks up and his legs start moving and before he knows it he’s downstairs and outside and staring at Chris.
“Hi,” Chris says, sticking his hand out. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Chris smiles shyly, and Darren sort of completely falls for him.