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He'd sworn.
He'd sworn to himself, to the both of them, that this would never happen, that he would have his back no matter what, that he would never have to separate from him. He'd sworn that no matter what, even if he had to risk his own life, he would not - could not - let Masato get hurt. And yet, yet it was Masato who was smiling up at him now, sitting in the corner of the room. It was Masato who was kind and Masato who was strong, Masato who was telling him that it was okay.
It wasn't okay. How could it be okay?
How could it be okay when Masato had been bitten, when Ren had promised that he would never let anything happen to him, but one mistake, one wrong step and Masato had had to pull him up from the collapsed stairs, Masato who had endured a bite from the Infected that they had not noticed behind them, Masato who was now changing, become one of them.
"You promised," Masato whispered, and that hurt even more, because he had promised, hadn't he? He'd promised to keep Masato safe, promised to not let any harm come to him.
"I'm sorry," Was all Ren could make out. "I should have been the one, I should have been more careful-"
Masato laughed, a coughing, rasping sound that was wrenched from this throat, humourless and painful and it tore at Ren. "Not that, stupid. Do you remember the promise we made when this all first started, Ren nii-chan?"
Ren's head shot up, staring at Masato, eyes wide in disbelief and shock and no, no, please no. He remembered the promise, he remembered the oath that he had taken with Masato, back when they had been children and the Apocalypse had just started to spread. He remembered a bright summer day and pinkies lace together, learning how to shoot and use a sword, a promise of life and a promise of death. "Masato..."
"You promised," Masato stated, his voice becoming raspier, his eyes becoming more bloodshot, and he was wrestling with time and grappling with himself, it was all Ren could do not to break down crying, not to start screaming to the heavens to let him be the one instead. "You promised me. We promised each other we would be strong."
Ren shook his head, launching himself at Masato, wrapping his arms around his childhood friend and shaking his head desperately. "I can't. I can't, Masato, please."
There it was. The urge to bite. He couldn't bite Ren, could not infect him. He could not let himself drag Ren down with him. He had to be strong. "Are you strong, Ren?"
"Never let each other turn. We'll live for each other!"
Gritting his teeth and reaching for his handgun, Ren's hands shook as he stood up, both hands holding on to his weapon. Screaming with the effort to do this, he locked his index finger around the trigger, and he pulled.
I'm sorry.
He could tell.
Of course he could. He was Hijirikawa Masato, for god's sake, he'd been with Ren since they were children, could read every facet and emotion that passed through his childhood friend's face. He could tell that Ren was blaming himself, could tell that he wanted to be in Masato's situation, but Masato didn't want that.
It hurt, yes. The bite itself was painful, and he could feel the effects spreading. He was beginning to smell the scent on Ren, one so different from his own now that he was beginning to transform into one of the Infected. He didn't have much time. If he completed the transformation, if he allowed himself to lose control, he'd attack Ren, and he couldn't have that.
"Are you strong, Ren?"
He liked to think that Ren was. Ren had been his first friend, been the first person he looked up to. Ren had been the one he trusted with his life, when they were supposed to evacuate. Masato had not run for his parents, had not run for Mai - for he knew that his beloved little sister was taken care of - he had run for the person he trusted most.
He had run for Ren.
"Never let each other turn. We'll live for each other!"
It seemed as though Ren had forgotten the promise, but he knew that he hadn't. He knew that Ren was still blaming himself for charging up those stairs without testing them, for falling and causing Masato to have to pull him up, for letting that be a chance for the Infected to bite Masato, for not having noticed the Infected hiding there in the first place.
But Ren had forgotten something. And that was that, when they'd made the promise, when they'd promised to protect each other, they'd promised to protect each other. Perhaps Ren had forgotten the mutuality of the promise, or he was too deep in his self-loathing, but Masato thought that, hey, if he was going to die, to die protecting Ren wouldn't be so bad.
It wasn't that bad at all, come to think of it.
He saw Ren move, saw his hand reach towards the holster by his hip, and Masato knew that it was going to end. It sounded morbid, even to himself, but he knew that he had to let Ren go. He couldn't keep Ren here, or Ren would stay and he would let himself get infected, and if there was something Masato couldn't do, it was let Ren become something he didn't want to be.
There was the scream, the painful, heart wrenching scream that came from Ren. In normal circumstances, he would have reprimanded Ren - the scream was loud enough to attract the Infected, and they would surely come storming up the building now, but Masato didn't say anything. It was him who was causing Ren this much pain, this much grief, after all.
Masato smiled, then closed his eyes.
Forgive me.