Chapter Text
Rose Lalonde cleared her throat, a certain excitement rising in her chest as she did. "Caliborn, Calliope...are we ready to begin?" Her outfit was basic-Kanaya had prepared a whole host of incredibly alluring garments, but Rose had to unfortunately decline her lovely wife. Today she needed to be simple . A white blouse and trousers worked, and coupled with her clipboard and the empty purple glasses frames she kept around, she looked like an actual accredited therapist.
Now, she technically wasn't but she was also God so like, who was gonna stop her? The Government?
Before her were the Cherubic twins, Calliope-in a daisy-crown and long flowing sundress with a nervous smile on her skeletal face, and Caliborn. His revival had been one with the express purpose of NOT letting the murderous little imp get up to any chaos. Therefore, Jade and Dirk had collaborated on a Calibot, one that kept the skeletal design of his natural body, while also adding limiters to his violent tendencies into his electronic brain.
Spritebots had always been a confusing concept to Rose, especially when Aradia had excitedly rambled about the loss of personality and the deep, seething rage she held for Equius before, during, and after the entire process (she had also been insistent that she was fine and dandy now, though, which Rose doubted severely). But for now, the two siblings were together-likely for the first time in their lives. The two took a moment to glance at Rose, then to each other.
"YOu'RE BOTH THE STuPIDEST CuNTS IN PARADOX SPACE IF YOu THINK I'M GOING TO ENGAGE IN THIS POPPYFuCKING COCKERY."
"How can we both be the stUpidst cUnts in paradox space-"
"YOu'RE BOTH STuPIDER THAN EACH OTHER!!"
"-when yoU're sitting right next to me."
Rose tapped her pen against the clipboard, clearing her throat again. "That's quite enough of that. Calliope, you wanted to help with this. And Caliborn, unless you want to be obliterated on a conceptual level by the darkest, most baleful magyks that swell at my fingertips on the most minute of hostile intentions, just keep talking. Remember, this is all an attempt to be kind to you. We're only doing this because I got bored and your sister felt as if you could've possibly improved as an intelligent entity."
"WELL-"
"And I will firmly, near-threateningly remind you that I do have the ability to psychically predict the future , so if you're feeling froggy, well...you'll be dead before you can jump. Are we clear?" His cybernetic eyes glared at her, his posture slowly starting to hunch over.
Calliope chimed in. "Oh, we're absolUtely crystal, Rose! Err, Missus Lalonde-Maryam!!"
Rose smiled, glad that Roxy was with such a kind and adorable soul. "Alright then! Let's begin."
The two now sat across from each other at a table, stacks of paper and a pen laying at the midpoint. Rose was standing to the side, adjusting her nonfunctional eyewear. "Alright. This is something I've decided to call "Fiction Therapy". The two of you will collaborate to write a story, taking turns on a system you both decide on."
"Oh...like how oUr body Used to work!!"
"Exactly, Calliope."
Calibot released a hateful groan, prompting Calliope to stick her tongue out at him. He then mimed gripping her head and driving his thumbs into her eyes. Rose decided to move on before escalation could continue any further.
"Now! The story should be something you both agree on, so...what are your ideas?"
"I WANT TO WRITE ABOuT BOTH OF YOU GETTING FuCKED TO D-"
"That's disgUsting!!! We're writing about a...a cute alien who comes to the planet earth and meets a nice girl who loves science that-"
"FuCK THAT SHIT, IF YOu WANNA DO A STuPID STORY THEN LET'S WRITE ABOuT SOMEONE COOL. A CLEVER, WICKED MASTER OF THE NARRATIVE THAT NOBODY CAN STOP AS HE ACTS OuT ALL HIS WICKED SCHEMES-"
Calliope stood, slamming her hands onto the table as her voice began gaining a hostile edge. "All yoU care about is gross violence, sex, and worshipping male characters like if you sUck them off enoUgh yoU'll get to be as cool as them!!"
Caliborn responded in kind, his metallic arms decelerating his attempt to double fist slam into the table so that there was only a light tapping noise. "AND YOu ONLY WANT EMPTY FLuFF THAT GOES NOWHERE AND SAYS NOTHING!! MY THING WOULD BE A METATEXTuAL COMMENTARY!!!!"
"On WHAT?! There's no meta-text!! We're in THERAPY yoU absolUte GOBLIN!!!"
Before Rose could stop the shouting match, the door into what was actually the Lalonde-Maryam household’s designated Office Space opened, and Kanaya entered holding a plate of near-raw steaks covered in sprinkles. “...Oh. Sorry If I Was Interrupting, I Just-”
“No, love, it’s alright. Did you, uh…” Rose stared at the dish. “What exactly was the plan here?”
Kanaya, a tall woman who had nearly a foot on her wife, looked surprisingly small as she struggled to explain. “I Tried To Make Some Cherub Refreshments Because There Was a Lot Of Shouting.”
“Oh!! I ate before I came, bUt I’d love to have some later!” Calliope beamed, and Kanaya smiled back at her fellow space player. Caliborn, meanwhile, had snatched the pen and was quickly (and poorly) sketching an image of Kanaya with steaks covering her genitals-and nothing else. Rose, without anyone else noticing, turned the page he was working on into dust in his hands.
“Alright, well-that was very lovely of you, Kanaya...and rather clever. You mixed their favourite foods…” Oh, OH, THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. “... Together …”
She had it. Rose whirled around, glasses flying off her face without her noticing as she pieced the idea together.
“Why don’t you two...write a story about what happened after the game? I can make you a prompt in just a little while-in the meantime, would you both like to meet the grubs?” Rose glanced to her wife, winking. She intended it to be a knowing wink, but her lesbian charms were just too much, and she made her vampiric love glow a little brighter.
“THE FuCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! DON’T YOu ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOu CHEATED TO BEAT BIG COOL ADuLT ME??”
“Well, yes, we do...I don’t think I Understand, Misses Lalonde-Maryam?”
“Here’s the basic idea: John has to go back into the game to REALLY defeat Caliborn. I’ll write an introduction while you’re downstairs seeing the babies, and then when you come back up, you can begin.”
The cherubs both began to object, but the moment before the sound left their mouths, they...well, they thought about it. Calliope would have another chance to write something, something that could help her brother be less terrible. Caliborn could flex his storytelling muscles, and BuILD A MuCH BETTER WORLD THAN YOuR HAPPY ENDING FuCKHELL.
At the same time, they both replied…
“OKAY, FINE!!”
“SoUnds fUn!”
Kanaya led them both out to the Grubcaves, and Rose got to work writing a Prologue to their Therapy Epilogue.
This was going to go so well!