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At first, you think, you’re subtle. No one pays any attention to your stuttered orders, your elated smiles, and your absolute loyalty. It’s expected, even if Akutagawa may not be the nicest superior, but in the Mafia, no one is. He is harsh, distant and full of sharp edges. When you were assigned the place at his side, you almost quit, just after one day. But then you start to notice that there’s more to him than his bitter shell, and in retrospect, that became your downfall.
When a bullet comes your way, a flatter of black cloth appears shielding you in a heartbeat. When an enemy is too strong for you to take, a black beast pushes you aside.
He’s not gentle, and you suspect, he never learned how to be. Still, it becomes obvious that loyalty goes with ways with him, and that’s when you start to like your new job, you start to like him. It goes all downhill from there.
You start to notice just how thin he is, sharp bones barely hidden underneath his coat. It unsettles you, enough to sneak in some breakfast with your daily reports. Behind your backs, people start to call you his secretary. It stings, it’s not easy to be a woman in this world and your kindness gets mistaken as weakness.
You let them believe, you smile at them and you watch with hard eyes as they scoff and turn their back. You don’t challenge them, a fight you start would fall back on Akutagawa and you respect him too much for this. But when it’s time to assign people to a mission, that they might not survive, you jot down their names with a quiet smile.
At some point, you realize it’s gotten out of hand. You’re not subtle anymore if the way Tachihara winks at you behind his back as you blush under rare praise is anything to go by. You don’t understand why Gin elbows him instantly until much later, but you feel a something like companionship with the silent guy for a moment.
Any positive feelings you might have had in their direction die instantly, the second Gin’s blade is at your throat. They mock you, while your eyes are still sore from trying not to cry, to show any more weakness and something inside you hardens. You might be too soft, for this world of darkness grime and blood. It might not suit you, and your fond heart.
But that doesn’t stop you. At some point, your heart started beating for someone else, but still, that’s not the reason you abandon all reason to set out to rescue your superior. Loyalty runs both ways, even if it weren’t for the quiet longing in your heart, you owe him as much.
If you’re honest with yourself, you don’t exactly expect to make it. The wound in your leg is throbbing and only the adrenaline rushing in your veins keeps you from feeling the pain. You didn’t expect help, so when it comes you find yourself lost for what to feel and how to react. It’s with shocking clarity you realize, that they are the same as you.
You hurry to save him, and his quiet words almost break your fragile heart.
You swore to yourself to keep those feelings quiet inside, but it’s spiraling out of control and the intensity of your longing scares you some days
By now, you resigned yourself to the fact, that you’re anything but subtle. Even Akutagawa should be aware of it, despite his inability to grasp the more subtle emotions. He doesn’t mention anything though, and you are not sure if this is a blessing.
Your crush – you briefly wonder, if something so all-consuming can be called a crush – is an open secret in the Port Mafia, it’s a joke. People know your name before you meet them and they look at you with mocking in their eyes. Sometimes it turns into compassion when they see how he treats you, sometimes it doesn’t.
You hold your tongue, their opinion doesn’t matter to you, it never did, and they wouldn’t understand anyway. They don’t understand him, not in the way you do. He’s clumsy when it comes to being anything but hostile, and he tries to cover it up with more venom. You never ask about his past, you know better by now. But even so, you can’t help but listen to the rumors.
You learn of that phantom that haunts his past and you deeply regret you didn’t kill him when you got close enough. Every time you hear his name, your dislike for the man grows, and by now even Akutagawa seems to pick up on it.
You can see the echo of the past reflected in the way he treats you and you hate that man even more for it. You try to be at his side when you have a meeting with that pesky agency, but there isn’t much you can do.
Back in his office, you prepare his favorite tea and you pretend not to notice the tremble in his hands as he takes the cup. You doubt he wants anyone to see him like this, but he doesn’t throw you out and your chest swells with warmth.
When his cup is empty, and his shaking stops, he snaps at you to make another cup. You smile, despite the harsh tone and you hurry to leave. There’s a second cup on the table when you come back and he refuses to meet your eyes when you take a seat across from him as you fill both cups.
It’s hard to hide your smile, so you don’t even try.
So, maybe, you are not subtle at all. But somehow you think, he doesn’t mind it all that much.