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one
Tony knew that Loki wasn’t fond of nicknames. He knew it from the way that Loki scowled when Tony threw out a Reindeer Games or a Rock of Ages – which, okay, Tony could understand that, considering the first time he’d used them – and the way that Loki point blank seemed to refuse to call Tony anything other than Anthony.
Even if Tony didn’t know why, it was clear as day that Loki didn’t like them, and Tony didn’t want to do anything that would make Loki uncomfortable– so of course he tried. He tried to call Loki only by his given name, and really, it shouldn’t have been as hard as it was.
But you see, nicknames are just kind of a thing that Tony does to all of his friends almost all of the time. Sometimes, the nicknames stuck– Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, just to name a few. Sometimes, they just flowed out in the heat of the moment, like when Tony laughed at one of Happy’s jokes and said thanks Flowerpot, or when Rhodey whacked Tony over the head and told him to stop being so sad, we all love you, you idiot, and Tony pulled Rhodey into a hug and whispered an I love you too, Platypus. It was… yeah, just a thing, just another way of saying how much he cared, and sometimes they just slipped out without rhyme or reason.
(Well. Normally there was a reason, which is exactly why it was so difficult to hold them in.)
But still, he tried, because it was Loki and he’d be willing to do anything to keep his lover’s smile in place. (His lover, who he was sort of maybe probably (definitely) starting to develop actual proper feelings for.) Even if he had to bite his tongue and stumble over the end of sentences, by god he fought to keep those nicknames at bay.
Sometimes, though, he was caught unawares, usually when he was running low on sleep and Loki did one of those things that made Tony fall just a little bit… closer to falling.
Bleary eyed and half asleep, Tony had taken the coffee from the pale hand that offered it to him with hardly a proper thought. And in that state, sure, Tony would have drunk any form of caffeine that was shoved his way, no matter how horrid– but this was perfect, made exactly to his taste in the way that no one else had quite managed to master. He closed his eyes in bliss as he took a second swig, the hot, bitter liquid going straight to his veins, warming him through and waking him up, and as he lowered the mug from his lips he leaned up on his toes to press a kiss to Loki’s cheek.
“Thanks, babe,” he said, and then his eyes were back on the coffee, the coffee that Loki had made him. He was just about to take another sip when—
“What did you just call me?”
Oh. Crap.
The only saving grace was the fact that Loki sounded more confused than annoyed, though there was a touch of hurt lingering underneath that woke Tony up far faster than the coffee could have managed.
“Babe,” Tony said again, knowing that the damage was already done. “Sorry, it’s… it’s just a thing that humans say, I guess.”
“Why?” Loki asked shortly. “I am not a baby.”
“Oh, I know,” Tony said. Hopefully this was just a cultural misunderstanding that could be cleared up with a quick explanation, like the first time Thor tried to destroy the toaster. “People use it, as a pet name. For their significant other.”
“That is… strange,” Loki said, his frown still in place. “Why would you compare your lover to a child?”
“I don’t know?” Tony admitted. “Like I said, it’s just a thing people say. I… if you don’t want me to, I won’t use it again.”
“Please.”
“No worries.”
Loki offered Tony a smile, then, and lightly ran his fingers along Tony’s waist as he moved toward the kettle to make his own tea, as if promising that he wasn’t mad– or, Tony realised, more likely that Tony was forgiven.
He still didn’t know why Loki didn’t like the nicknames, because he could tell that it wasn’t just confusion that fuelled Loki’s concern over the last. There was something deeper there, something more.
Shaking the thought from his head, Tony went back to his coffee and smiled brightly as Loki took a seat beside him, leaning into his lover’s side as Loki curled arm around his waist.
Whatever it was, Tony didn’t want to push for an answer. Loki’s comfort was more important than Tony’s curiosity.
two
Loki had always run a couple of degrees cooler than Tony, which, honestly, was something of a godsend. It meant that they could curl together under the covers and be completely comfortable, their differing temperatures balancing out so that they were neither too warm nor too cool. Their skin felt nice pressed together, not sticky or sweaty as Tony had often struggled against with hook ups and partners in the past, and he felt like he could stay in Loki’s arms for any extended length of time.
Waking up in Loki’s embrace was, of course, the best thing ever, with an arm around his waist holding him close, his back pressed to Loki’s chest and their legs tangled together. He smiled as he felt those legs shift slightly, and as Loki hummed deep in his throat and pressed a kiss to the top of Tony’s head, his fingers stroking Tony’s waist in smooth, gentle strokes.
“Good morning, Anthony,” Loki whispered, leaning down to touch his lips to the line of Tony’s jaw.
Tony smiled, and it might have been small and soft but it was the truest kind. He turned in Loki’s arms to lean their foreheads together, melting against Loki with the kind of contentment that was difficult to find.
“Good morning, Snowflake,” Tony replied, touching a kiss of his own to the soft skin on Loki’s throat.
He was so calm and so relaxed and so, so happy that he might not have even noticed what he’d done if Loki’s fingers hadn’t stilled. It was only for a moment, and the calming strokes started back up again almost immediately, but yeah, that was something Tony noticed.
“Sorry,” he sighed.
“It’s fine,” Loki replied– and Tony almost believed that he meant it. Except he knew that—
“It’s not.” He didn’t particularly want to, but he pulled away enough to sit up, and when Loki saw what he was doing he did the same. He looked wary, his gaze cautious, and Tony reached out to gently cup Loki’s neck in a gesture he knew Loki found comforting.
“It’s not okay, because I know you don’t like it,” he said. “I try not to, but sometimes—”
“I know,” Loki said, his lips curling up into a smile that Tony didn’t quite trust, because it didn’t match the hurt in his gaze– the hurt that Tony hated, but he still didn’t understand enough to smooth away. “But I don’t want you to feel that you have to hold yourself back, either. I see you sometimes, when you go to say something but you stop yourself, and I—”
“I know,” Tony muttered. There were moments when Loki would freeze, even when Tony managed to keep the nicknames from slipping out. “I promise, I’m trying not to do anything that would—”
“I appreciate it,” Loki promised. He still… he still looked sad, and Tony wished he could just, just pull Loki in close and ask what was wrong, to kiss away all the pain and tell Loki exactly just how much he cared. But he didn’t have the words, and he couldn’t get anything out before Loki added, “Thank you, Anthony. I don’t deserve you.”
I think you’ve got that backwards, Sweetheart.
But the words were caught, the endearment at the end halting the whole sentence, and Loki cut off any further attempts with a kiss.
It stayed chaste, both wary of the fact that they had yet to brush their teeth, but it was sweet nonetheless. Loki’s eyes remained closed for a second after, as though he were savouring the moment, filing away the memory. Tony hoped that maybe that meant Loki was okay, but– when he opened his eyes, the sadness had not lifted entirely.
And when Loki clung to him a little longer than usual before they got out of bed to start their morning routine, Tony didn’t make a comment and merely melted into his touch with a sigh that was a mongrel mix of pleasure and concern.
three
It was a lazy afternoon, curled together on a couch. They weren’t talking, they weren’t even doing the same thing– Tony was tapping away at the delete button on his inbox with his back leaned against Loki’s side, and Loki was doing, uh, something, to a dagger, his fingers glowing emerald green. They were simply occupying the same space, enjoying each other’s company without need for words to fill the silence.
Tony was completely relaxed, almost in a haze of contentment despite the boring task. He loved just being able to spend time with his lover, no matter what they were doing. Just… being together.
He really did need to read his emails, but still, when Loki slipped his dagger into a pocket dimension and ran a hand down Tony’s arm, he was more than happy to lean back a bit and rest his head in Loki’s lap, his StarkPad falling to the side. He closed his eyes with a sigh as Loki’s fingers carded through his hair, feeling lost to utter contentment.
“Anthony?” Loki said, just as his fingers scratched lightly over Tony’s scalp, and Tony pressed into the touch with a groan and a smile.
“Yes, my lo—” Tony stopped himself, stumbling– “—Lollipop.”
Fuck.
What the hell was that? Lollipop? Tony could have– he could have just gone with Loki, the guy’s name starts with the same sound as – as that other word – oh, for fuck’s sake, what even was that—
But Lollipop was still a nickname that Loki probably wouldn’t appreciate, and Tony opened his eyes just a crack to peer up at his lover’s expression though his lashes.
Loki almost looked relieved, despite the strange twist to his lips. “Lollipop?” He asked incredulously.
“Um, yeah,” Tony said, grasping, scrambling for an explanation. He stayed in Loki’s lap, if only because that made it slightly easier to hide the fact that he wasn’t looking at Loki directly.
“Why?”
“You know, the song?” Tony said. At Loki’s blank look, Tony said with only a small touch of the iconic tune– “His kiss is sweeter than an apple pie?”
Loki, of course, still looked completely blank. Obviously. Because of course they don’t have classic 50s music with annoyingly catchy tunes up in the realm eternal.
“JARVIS,” Tony said, “Help me out, buddy. Drop my needle.”
When the opening chords started, Tony was not surprised to see that Loki looked less than impressed, a single brow arching dangerously as he stared at Tony with that incredulous look still in his eye.
But incredulity was still better than sadness.
“Aw, come on,” Tony said. “Okay, so the chorus is a bit… but just, listen.”
He didn’t know why he was trying so hard on this, considering the word lollipop had spewed from his mouth completely unintentionally– even more unintentionally than his pet names normally did, in a way. But… maybe it was because once the idea was in his head he realised that there was half a chance here of showing that his nicknames weren’t always just random, and that they weren’t intended to be hurtful, or demeaning, or anything like that at all.
They were just… affectionate.
So Tony sung along to the apple pie line, and when the chorus came around again he got to his feet and pulled Loki up with him.
Loki was still all but rolling his eyes, but there was something of a glint hidden amongst the green, and Tony had searched often enough for that smile to see it beginning to twitch along the edges of Loki’s lips.
So, grinning brightly now, Tony gestured for JARVIS to turn up the volume and spun Loki in a circle, singing along rather badly but quite enthusiastically to the next verse.
“Crazy way he thrills me, tell you why, just like a lightning from the sky!” Loki actually rolled his eyes at that, but it was done with a laugh, so Tony’s grin widened as he kept going. “He loves to kiss me till I can't see straight,” Tony sang, pausing in the spin to pull Loki close, bringing their foreheads together. “Oh, my lollipop is great.”
“I do love to kiss you until you can’t see straight,” Loki murmured, his smile a little more real, now.
“Do you?” Tony asked, a little out of breath– and not just from the ridiculous excuse for ‘dancing’.
Loki caught on immediately, his smile lengthening into a smirk.
“I might need some proof,” Tony prompted.
“I think I could manage that,” Loki replied.
When their lips connected, it started sweet and gentle– but it didn’t stay that way for long, their tongues sliding together, their hands raking though hair and fingers dragging harshly over backs and shoulders. Tony pulled back first for air, and Loki turned his attentions to Tony’s throat instead. Tony arched his neck to allow Loki better access, and then whined as Loki moved away.
“As much as I appreciate the sentiment,” Loki breathed, his lips grazing Tony’s ear and sending shivers down his spine. “Do not ever call me that again.”
“Okay,” Tony promised– and that was easy, since, yeah. He’d never really meant it as a nickname in the first place. Lollipop, even if it hadn’t been the sort of pet name that set Tony’s teeth on edge, sounded far too sweet for someone with Loki’s temperament.
Although…
“You know,” Tony said, leaning back slightly and wetting his lips with his tongue. “There is another song called Lollipop that I might find inspiring.”
Loki tilted his head in confusion, but his eyes widened and his lips parted with desire as Tony smirked and sunk down to his knees, running his hands down Loki’s chest and over his thighs as he did so.
“Why don’t I show you?”
four
It should not have been a surprise that Loki had never played video games before. After all, he came from a completely different planet, with entirely different technology and an even larger difference when it came to a choice of leisure activities.
Admittedly, Tony had never played them much as a kid, often finding them too boring to play alone and never having anyone to join him, but he had dabbled. But while he had been busy running from ghosts and throwing barrels, Loki had been going on hunting trips and learning battle strategy.
So, yeah. It shouldn’t have been surprising, and it wasn’t, not really– but it was something that needed to be rectified immediately, and that was why Tony had called for a tournament.
After all, Thor had never played before either, and Natasha held most of the current records– a fact that Clint was unaware of, and Tony felt he needed to be there when the archer found out.
Currently, Loki was racing against Steve, who had a little more experience though not as much as any of the others.
Steve’s face was honestly hilarious, his tongue half sticking out in concentration, his eyes pinched. He moved the remote like it was the wheel of a car– except that had it been attached to a car it would have been torn off, since his elbows were flying every direction as he tried to keep his car from falling off the edge of the rainbow-coloured track.
Loki, in contrast, was a picture of stoicism, his expression stony with a spark of fire in his gaze. He had approached the game as he did every other challenge he was presented with, and Tony did not feel nervous at all about the rather large bet he had placed on Loki winning.
Because actually, Loki was quite good at it– Tony supposed that those nimble fingers and quick battle reflexes came in handy for the tight turns and green shells, for Loki’s character was near the front, he and Steve neck and neck as they crossed the line to start the final lap. The whole room was tense– there had been rather a lot of gambling going on under the table, and they were all cheering for either their friend’s victory or vicious and unfortunate death via an exploding blue shell.
“Brother, you are close!” Thor cheered, despite the fact that he had been excitedly yelling for Steve only half a minute before. Clint followed up with a “go, Cap, go!” while Natasha tacked on a deadpan “Steve, he just got a red shell”, which unfortunately seemed to give Steve a surge of adrenaline. His character shot forward on the screen while Loki’s lagged behind, and the Avengers all started yelling at an increased volume—
“Come on, blueberry, you’ve got this!” Tony cheered—
And Loki’s car fell straight over the edge of the track as his remote fell to the carpet with a soft thud.
“Loki?” Tony asked worriedly. “Are you—”
“I am fine, Anthony,” Loki whispered. “Do not concern yourself.”
Loki pushed himself to his feet in a single swift movement that appeared stiff despite not lacking in his usual grace, and then he turned to Steve with tight smile that did not reach his eyes. Steve had yet to finish, but he too had stopped when Loki had– a good sport to the end.
“I suppose this match goes to you,” Loki told him—
And then, without another word, he swept from the room in a dew quick strides, already asking JARVIS to take him to his quarters before the elevator doors had closed.
Tony stared after him, completely confused.
“I still don’t get it,” he said weakly. He’d only really been talking to himself, almost forgetting that the others were in the room. But they heard, and he flinched at the hand that clapped down on his shoulder.
“I suppose he has not told you, then?” Thor asked. “I thought it likely that he had not, though I hoped otherwise.”
“Told me what?” Tony asked, glancing around to Thor, brushing off the hand but staring with sudden hope because—
Maybe Thor knew what was bugging Loki, maybe he could explain what this Asgardian thing about nicknames was.
Maybe.
It was at least worth a shot, right?
So, he asked– “Do you know why Loki doesn’t like nicknames?”
“It is not my place to explain entirely,” Thor said. “But… the reason why Loki does not take kindly to you referring to him as being blue is to do with his past, and with something he discovered not long before his fall. I will not give you details, though. As I said, it is not my place.”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” Tony said, though he filed it away for later consideration. “I just… I refer to people by nicknames, you know, like how I call you Point Break? But he seems to hate it, and I mean… he doesn’t get angry or anything like that, but he just… it’s almost like it’s hurting him, and I don’t mean to do that, but every time I try to explain it’s almost like I’m making it worse.”
Thor shook his head, frowning. “I do not know. Perhaps you will have better luck deciphering him than I.”
Tony grit his teeth, because Loki shouldn’t be seen as a puzzle like that, not by his own brother. Usually, Tony could read Loki quite well– not because Loki was easy to read, far from it, but because he had come to know his lover very well. He might not know the reasons behind every reaction, but he knew enough to know what Loki was feeling.
“It is not my place,” Thor said again. “But Tony, I must warn you. This is not something that should be taken lightly.”
Thor’s words were important, and Tony was listening to them, but something else caught his attention at the same time.
Thor called him Tony, not Anthony. Although Thor seemed to accept Midgardian traditions with an enthusiastic zeal that would be difficult to match, he generally needed them explained him. Surely if the reason for Loki’s reactions – as deep as they were – was a cultural matter, then Thor would share in his concerns?
Tony was starting to realise that this was likely far more personal than he realised. And really, in that sort of situation, there was only one proper course of action.
“I need to talk to Loki,” he said, already starting to make his way to the elevator.
“I think that is wise,” Thor agreed. “But, be careful, Tony. This truly is a sensitive topic. Loki will likely meet you with anger before he answers your questions.” Then he paused, and a small smile crossed his lips. “Although, perhaps you truly shall have more luck.”
Tony waved his thanks, walking straight past the other concerned Avengers and into the elevator. JARVIS took him where he needed to go without being asked, and Tony stepped out into the familiar room mere moments later.
Familiar, but– it still felt odd to be there. When he and Loki had first started their… ah, arrangement, Tony had spent a fair amount of time on Loki’s floor. But then when they had grown closer, Loki had practically moved into Tony’s penthouse, and Tony hadn’t had need to go to Loki’s rooms for weeks. Even Loki only ever ducked down these days to grab some book or other item that he had left behind.
He found Loki in the living room, perched on the couch with his head in his hands.
“Loki?” Tony asked gently, stepping into the room with a bit of caution.
“Anthony,” Loki said, and as he lifted his head Tony saw the tears tracking down his cheeks. “I am sorry, I know I should not have just run out like that.”
“It’s okay,” Tony said, losing all of his hesitation and moving forward to sit beside his lover, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Loki, I don’t care about that. I’m only worried about you.”
“I’m fine,” Loki hissed. “It was nothing. You don’t need to worry.”
“No, hey,” Tony said, holding Loki close and pressing his lips to Loki’s forehead. “Listen. I’m not going to make you talk about this, and I don’t want you to have to put up with me calling you things you don’t like. You don’t have to do anything that is going to make you uncomfortable, you never do. And if you don’t want to talk about this then you don’t have to, okay? I promise, it’s not going to make me think any less of you. But… I know that this is hurting you, and I can’t bear that, I can’t… fuck.”
Loki glanced up at Tony’s curse, and Tony sighed and offered him a weak smile.
“Sorry. I just… I don’t want to make this all about me, because it’s not. But I need you to know that seeing you like this awful, and I’d do anything you need to help you feel better. I hate that I’m the reason why you’re suffering like this—”
“You’re not,” Loki interrupted. “You’re not, you’re—”
“No, I am,” Tony said. “Because you were perfectly fine earlier, enjoying yourself paying Mario Kart– and you would have stayed fine, if I hadn’t opened my big fucking mouth and said something that I know you don’t like—”
“How could you have known?” Loki asked, a bitter laugh tearing from his throat. “I’ve never told you, and I am a master of tricks. I know that you don’t know, because if you did, you would have left long ago.”
“No, I wouldn’t have,” Tony said immediately. “Whatever it is– I’m not going to leave you because of a few names—”
“And I won’t leave you because of a few names,” Loki interrupted. He reached up, and lay the palm of his hand against Tony’s cheek– not moving, just holding gently. “I don’t mind that you think those things, and I really do appreciate that you would hold yourself back from speaking your mind for the sake of my pride, but—”
“Whoa, whoa,” Tony said, a thousand things suddenly slotting into place as the whole world suddenly began to make so much sense. “I’m going to need you to go back a few steps there, because– Loki, I don’t know what you think that I’m thinking, but it doesn’t sound like it’s good and– you know that isn’t true, right? Loki, when I think of you, it’s only good things—”
“It’s okay,” Loki said again. “You don’t have to… I am used to it.”
“It’s not,” Tony stressed, because. Holy fuck. This wasn’t right, this was… this was fucking horrific, and Tony was going to help Loki see that he was cared for – that he was loved – if it was the last thing that he ever did. “It’s not, and it’s really not true, okay?”
Loki still didn’t seem to believe it, and Tony ached for him.
“I don’t… I don’t know what you’ve been through, not really, but… if you want to share, I’m here to listen. Always. Maybe talking would help.”
“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Loki murmured, his voice muffled in Tony’s shirt.
“Start at the beginning,” Tony said, gently stroking Loki’s hair. “Come on, now. Help me understand, so that I can help you.”
Loki’s breath exhaled amongst a full body shudder, and then, he began to talk.
five
The day Tony found out about Loki’s true heritage was the day that he vowed to take Odin’s other eye.
He didn’t care that Odin was the king of gods, that he was thousands of years old, that he wielded the power of an entire realm. He only cared that Odin had not only lied to Loki his entire life, but had taught him that he was a monster, taught him to hate everything that he was. And then, instead of getting Loki the help that he needed when his entire life fell through, Odin had simply left Loki to his own devices—
No, worse. He had left Loki in charge of an entire freaking Realm, right in the middle of a full on political crisis bordering on a war, all while Loki had been caught in the throes of a complete mental breakdown.
So, yeah.
Honestly, Tony thought that taking Odin’s eye would be a mercy compared to some of the other images that ran though his mind.
But Odin and rage and revenge was not important. What was important was Loki, making sure that he was okay and that he knew just how misguided his words and thoughts were.
So Tony didn’t immediately don a suit and begin to fly up to Asgard– instead, he curled around Loki as best as he could despite their difference in height, pulling his lover as close to him as possible and holding on tight. He stroked Loki’s hair and kissed his forehead, whispering everything and anything to and try and convince Loki that he meant it when he said that he cared about him for who rather than what he was.
Loki melted into Tony’s hold but he was still shaking, still clinging on like he was afraid that Tony would leave. So Tony rocked them back and forth where they were sitting on the couch, unsure of what to do but knowing he would always stay to offer comfort when it was needed.
“You’re okay, my love,” Tony crooned. “I’ve got you, I’m here.”
The words should have been calming, should have been a promise that would help to hold Loki together. But rather than relaxing, Loki’s muscles tensed.
“Loki?” Tony whispered, wary and confused.
“What did you just call me?” Loki asked.
And those words coupled with the pain in Loki’s voice was so familiar that Tony’s heart just broke.
“Loki—"
“You shouldn’t,” Loki said, starting to pull away even though his fingers gripped Tony’s shirt all the tighter. “It’s… that’s almost worse.”
Tony frowned, not wanting to believe but… well, at this point, after everything that Loki had said, it was difficult to hope that he had misunderstood.
“Worse than what?”
“Than everything else,” Loki said, his voice cracking. “At least when you’re saying things like… then I know, at least, what you’re thinking. But trying to… saying that just to try and make me feel better is…”
“Oh, god,” Tony said. He leaned back but only enough so that he could catch Loki’s face between the palms of his hands, gently coaxing him to meet his gaze. “Loki, listen. I’m not saying that just because, I’m… it’s something I’ve been on the edge of for a while. It’s not just to make you feel better, and it isn’t a lie.”
Loki’s eyes widened, gleaming a glint of hope poisoned by bad experiences and a lingering touch of bitter disbelief. “Anthony? What…?”
“I just called you my love,” Tony echoed, firmly this time, pouring every bit of the wave of emotion surging through him into those two words. “And I didn’t call you that because it works as a moniker, or because I like the way it sounds, or as a joke.” He leaned down slightly, pressing their foreheads together for just a moment before saying, “I called you that because I meant it, and for no other reason at all.”
Loki’s eyes widened, his lips pulling apart in surprise and wonder as his breath left his lungs in a soft exhale.
“Oh.”
+one
There were several long moments where neither of them said a thing, and Tony worried that he couldn’t quite read what was going on inside Loki’s head. Because it looked like maybe Loki believed him, like maybe Loki was starting to understand– but after everything, after what was clearly a huge fucked up misunderstanding, Tony was starting to worry that he couldn’t read Loki as well as he thought he could, after all.
But, then—
“You really mean that,” Loki said, still staring at Tony in shock. “You… and the other day, when you called me… you were going to—”
“I was,” Tony agreed. “And I would have meant it then as well.”
Loki’s eyes fell closed at that, like he was trying to commit the words to memory. He should have known that there was no need. Tony was more than willing to say those words as often as Loki needed to hear them.
“I love you,” Tony said. “I do, and I… I just want you to know that it’s true.”
“You love me,” Loki whispered, the words laced with wonder. “Me. You love me.”
“Yeah,” Tony said, his smile growing. “Yeah, I do.”
Loki was the one to lean in and press their lips together, and their kiss was slow and sweet, an affirmation of everything that they both now knew. Tony held him close, not pushing for more, finding everything he needed in the simple caress. They stayed entwined even as they pulled away, pressing together and enjoying the closeness, their lips painted with delighted smiles that refused to be held at bay– not that either of them would have tried to do so anyway.
It was a happy moment and Tony was loath to break it, but… he couldn’t simply let the opportunity pass. They needed to talk about things if they wanted to avoid any more misunderstandings in the future.
“Do you mind if I ask about the nicknames?” Tony asked gently, his hand not pausing as he ran soothing strokes over Loki’s arm. “Because, what you said earlier, about trying to spare your feelings? I know I’ve made a few mistakes, but I only ever use the nicknames with affection. I… I didn’t ever want to hurt you, and I… I don’t need to know why. I’ll just keep trying not to do it.”
“I don’t want you to have to,” Loki replied, his voice equally soft. “I didn’t mean for you to feel like you needed to hold yourself back, it’s just that I have never really cared for any of my nicknames in the past.”
Tony found he was unsurprised by the confirmation of his earlier thoughts. “They were always insults, before,” he murmured, hating that his fears were correct.
“No one has ever used endearments to refer to me, no one other than my mother,” Loki agreed. “But nicknames… were always something else.”
The distinction between endearment and nickname was clearly harsh, and Tony nodded just slightly to indicate that he was listening.
“When I was younger, I was given plenty of names,” Loki said, his eyes distant. “Liesmith, for the way that I could spin any story to place the blame on someone else. Silvertongue, for my ability to get to what I wanted through pretty words, no matter how much I shouldn’t. And Trickster… well.” Loki sighed, and he focused back on Tony with a smile that had gained a few too many sharp edges. “I suppose there’s no need to explain that one. Every name was a jest, something to giggle about behind my back, something to taunt me with when they thought they could get away with it.”
“Shit,” Tony whispered. “Loki, I’m so sorry. They were assholes.”
“There is no need for you to apologise,” Loki said. “You did not know, and I should not have assumed.”
“And I should have asked,” Tony sighed. “We just… we should have talked some more, I guess. We could have… I could have avoided hurting you entirely, if I’d just asked you why.”
“We are talking now, and I know the truth,” Loki said softly, the warmth slotting back into his smile. “I trust you.”
“I’ll never let you regret that,” Tony swore. “I promise.”
Loki’s expression was soft, now, with joy shining through the doubt as if Tony had helped to wipe the past hurts away, and he leaned down to press a kiss to Tony’s lips.
It only lasted a moment before Loki broke the kiss. His eyes remained closed as he whispered, “How did I get so lucky?”
Tony wasn’t sure that he was meant to have heard, but it tugged at his memory and reminded him of when Loki had stated that he was undeserving of Tony. He hadn’t been able to say anything to rebuff it then– but this time, the words didn’t stick, and Tony’s lips curved up into a smile.
“Oh, I think I’m the lucky one, Lokes.”
He only realised what he had said a moment after the nickname has already slipped form his lips, and he was half-way to voicing an apology when Loki cut him off with a light laugh and another gentle kiss.
“I think I like that one,” Loki said, and Tony’s eyes widened, recognising the deeper undertones. Because this wasn’t just Loki accepting a nickname– this was Loki accepting everything that Tony was trying to tell him, truly believing that the fervent and deep emotion between them was felt by both sides.
Tony’s smile widened as a swoop of pure delight surged through him, and he matched Loki’s laugh as he pressed their foreheads together.
“My Lokes,” he said brightly.
“My Anthony,” Loki countered, and this time, rather than standing as a direct contrast to Tony’s bastardisations, the full name felt like an endearment of its own.
Of course, it didn’t really matter what names they used, but for Tony, it was a special thing to fall back into his usual way of showing affection. Because every time Lokes fell from his lips, or Sweetheart, or Bambi, or any of the others that soon became commonplace, they always meant I love you. And it was the greatest feeling to know that not only would Loki would hear what he was saying, but that he would now also believe it.