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“Nines, Connor,” Hank yelled, “what the fuck is taking you so long?” In the back of the lieutenant’s mind he was laughing. Normally, he was the one taking forever and his two sons had to come yell at him for being late or procrastinating or whatever it was. Hank had the feeling that today was going to be one of those days where up was down and left was right.
Hank heard a soft thump and a yell of, “SUMO STOP IT!” followed by a crash and barking. Then just as fast, a massive wet, soapy mass of fur came barreling into the kitchen. A second later and both Connor and Nines were sliding into the kitchen with coordination unbefitting for the two most technologically advanced androids designed for police work.
Nines tackled Sumo first and managed to get his arms around the slick dog before Sumo wigged his way out and into Connor’s open arms. Instantly, he was swooped up into the RK800’s arms and held fast.
“What in the fuck is happening?” Hank demanded.
“We’re giving Sumo a bath.” Connor explained as if what they were currently doing was the most normal thing in the world.
“This-” Hank said gesturing to the scene before him, “-is not what giving Sumo a bath looks like. And, we’re going to the beach. Why would you bathe him now when he’s going to get all sandy later.”
Silence fell over the pair of androids. “Oh.”
“We wanted him to be soft and clean.” Nines supplied.
“Right, I get that,” Hank acknowledged, “but after the beach.” He sighed. “Well, guess it’s too fucking late for that Go rise him off. Oh and uh, tell me what you want for breakfast.”
Hank had already gone through the argument with Nines and Connor about androids not being able to eat. But they could however taste due to a new update and ever since then Hank felt like he was feeding an army. The amount of food items (and the occasional non-food item excluding crime scene evidence) that they put in their mouth was astounding. And among all the foods that both of them liked to eat, they favored breakfast foods.
“I want a quickie,” Nines announced with such confidence that Hank nearly had an aneurysm.
“ We want a quickie,” Connor corrected.
“A fucking what?”
“A quickie.” Nines said again.
Hank shook his head, “NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
Nines and Connor looked so dejected but Hank was horrified. “I am your father! If you want a ‘quickie’ then you need to ask someone else.”
Connor looked like he was ready to cry and Nines had that blank look on his face indicating that he was upset but trying very hard not to show it. “But,” Connor whispered looking down into Sumo’s fur, “...okay.” The pair shuffled away into the bathroom to finish washing Sumo.
Hank groaned. This was probably one of Gavin’s fucking tricks. Told Nines or Connor that a ‘quickie’ was a breakfast food not a sexual act and they believed him. While Hank was normally amused by Nines’ and Connor’s naivety, this was downright mortifying. He was not ready to be having a sex talk with either of them and honestly hoped to put it off until- well, never. That wasn’t an option though since Nines had previously brought up his interest in Gavin.
Whipping out his phone Hank dialed the one person he knew was the culprit of this morning’s horror.
“What do you want grandpa?” Gavin’s voice entered Hank’s ear.
Hank was already on Gavin, “What the fuck did you say to my boys?”
Gavin seemed genuinely confused for a change. “What the fuck are you talking about. I didn’t fucking say shit to the tin cans.”
“Ha fucking ha,” Hank growled, “I know it was fucking you who told Nines or Connor to eat a quickie for breakfast.”
“So?” Gavin asked in irritation, “it’s fucking good.”
“It’s fucking perverted, is what it is!”
“Perverted!? What the fuck are you talking about!?” Gavin screeched, “There’s nothing fucking perverted about a fucking egg pie thing!”
“Egg pie thing- oh for fucking fuck’s sake!” Hank exploded.
“WHAT!?”
“IT’S FUCKING PRONOUNCED KEY-SHH YOU FUCKING MORON!”
“STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME ASSHOLE!”
“STOP SAYING SHIT WRONG!” Hank hung up wishing he had a landline to get the full effect of angrily hanging up on someone.
He took a deep breath to calm himself. He was pissed at Gavin but at this point he was a little pissed at himself. He’d just been a complete asshole to his two sons and now he needed to make it right.
Hank sighed and walked to the bathroom where he saw Connor holding a squirming Sumo while Nines was blow drying his fur.
“Boys, can I talk to you?” LED lights flared red for a second before spinning to yellow. Nines turned off the blow dryer. Hank continued. “I’m sorry. I got mad at you two for something I shouldn’t have gotten mad for. I lashed out and it was wrong. I know you two are innocent and I’m sorry. When you said you wanted a ‘quickie’ I automatically assumed the worst. I’m sorry. But, for the record it’s pronounced as quiche. Which, I will make for you. Tomorrow though because that shit takes a while. Are waffles okay?”
“Will they be blue?” Nines asked looking at Hank, “Gavin said if you ever make waffles we should ask you to make them blue.”
Hank’s mouth pressed into a thin line. “I am making regular waffles.” He stood, “Will you excuse me? I’m need to make a call.”