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Steve knows something about his life now. Thinking from both the past and the future and his past future self and future past self. Thinking from all the decades he didn’t live and then lived and the lives he gained by losing them. Thinking from the deep ends of trying to honor Tony’s sacrifice, in the past and the present and the future. In all iterations of his life, all timelines he could have trotted, in all points of time. In all circumstances, wherever he ended up. Everywhere. Tony was always everywhere. When they were together, apart, broken, made-up, forgiven. Dead. Gone. Tony was the peace he couldn’t have.
First, Tony was in the grief.
It was dusk, and after the funeral. He stood by the lakeside alone, watching the stillness of the water. Tony was gone, well and truly gone. His arc reactor in the bottom of the lake. He had finally arrived at his rest.
Was there something they could’ve done differently? Sure there was. They should’ve consulted with Nebula more, after all, they didn’t know anything about her. They didn’t give her the time or space to talk about Thanos, and how he used and abused her. How he could still take advantage of her knowledge. Afterwards, when Nebula told them how Thanos found out. He was so, just so....done. He stood up and walked out. No one stopped him, no one reached out to him. He briefly considered what he might do. But the truth was, he could no longer muster any sort of will to do anything or to punch anything.
He went to his room and cried himself to sleep.
In their desperation, their urgency. In whatever it takes - it did indeed end up costing them everything. Tony and Nat, the heart and soul of their family. Gone.
But somehow, it all seemed so poetic, so beautiful, almost just , that Tony was the one who would eventually wield the gauntlet. He was the only one among them who understood. He saw it first. Even Thanos feared him.
He was, in the end, the only person in the entire universe who could end this.
There was no other way. Strange had told him, eyes red-rimmed with grief and the immense knowledge of things no one else would ever want to know. Afterwards.
He sat down on the grass, not caring that it felt wet under his touch. And breathed deeply. His throat scratchy from crying.
He felt, at that moment, suddenly and immensely grateful for the memories of their time-heist. There will always be that. Always. He will never ever forget.
He thought about Tony’s words of forgiveness when he came back the HQ , a week after they, or he, begged Tony for this second chance .
I just want peace. Turns out resentment is corrosive and I hate it.
That was the happiest day of his life in a very, very long time. He spent the rest of the day, smiling so much his face hurt. He trailed Tony with his eyes everywhere, he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stop thinking about how great it was to have him back. To be on the same team again.
The entire week he got to the conference room every morning and was again and again out of his mind to see Tony. So elated, he took on coffee duty. Everything Tony wanted or asked for, he was always the first to respond.
He just wanted to be near Tony, to hear Tony mock him with ridiculous nicknames, to get shoved in the face by Tony jokingly. He wanted Tony to laugh at his lack of knowledge about futuristic technology or his lack of a love life. He wanted Tony to pester him with his ceaseless quips, he wanted to conspire with Friday to make Tony eat something. Hell, he even wanted Tony to confront him, to provoke him, anything was better than the past five years of silent hatred-turned-apathy.
He wanted to read Tony’s eyes, he wanted to know what Tony was thinking. He wanted to communicate with Tony, the way people who trust each other do.
He said Tony’s name a million times a day. In all voice volumes, for all reasons. He had lost so many years being his stubborn self, refusing to cry out to Tony. He was determined to make it up as much as he could.
“Thank you, Tony.”
“That was amazing, Tony.”
“Tony, what do you need from me?”
“Tony? Where are you?”
“Tony, wanna sit down?”
“Here’s your coffee Tony.”
“Tony, are you hungry?”
“How are you doing, Tony?”
“I missed you, Tony.”
The whole team teased him endlessly.
“It’s a good look on you, Steve. Making heart eyes at Tony every time he enters the room.” Nat laughed, poking his arm.
He laughed with her. “He’s Earth’s Best Defender, whoever else will I be making heart eyes at?” He grinned widely.
“Where’s my room service Rogers? Why does Tin Man get all the special treatment?” Rocket quipped, his whiskers twitching.
“Let me know the next time you had an entire moon thrown at you. I’ll be happy to provide my service.” Steve shot back.
“Geez Cap, I can’t stand this close to you if you’re gonna keep emanating this level of weird sappy sexual energy. It’s like, leaking out of you.” Clint joked, making a face at him.
“Rest assured, none of this- “ He gestured at his entire body, “is for you.”
“Well in that case, I gotta take what I can get!” Clint suddenly inched closer to him and bam! Slapped Steve’s ass soundly.
“Hey Birdbrain! That ass is reserved!” Tony jumped out of nowhere, shoving Clint aside. Then turned around and gave Steve his signature flirty look, yeah, the smug one, and reached out to smooth his left hand over Steve’s ass up and down, as if to soothe Clint’s slap. Steve felt his hips twitch under Tony’s touch.
“This is America’s ass, Barton. Have some respect.” Tony said reverently, and with awe.
Once upon a time this would have either embarrassed him to the core and turn his face tomato red, or infuriated him to the point of muteness.
But Steve didn’t even blush.
“Sorry Clint, I only let billionaire playboy genius philanthropists spank me.” He made a “there’s nothing I can do about that” gesture with his hands.
“Barf!” Clint made a face and waved Natasha to him. “Everyone let’s get out of here before we burn our eyes from a full-on make-out session. My eyes are important to me.”
“Oh, we can do so much worse than that.” Steve deadpanned, enjoying this.
“Ugh, either sixty-nine or get off my back!” Someone yelled agitatedly as everyone exited the living room, leaving Tony and Steve alone.
Tony turned to look at him curiously. “You’re into this, aren’t you.” His eyes glinting with mischief.
“Hell yeah I am.” He looked back at Tony happily, staring intently back into his eyes, those deep brown orbs drowning him in joy.
“I knew it! Should’ve spanked you like, ten years ago.” Tony cried, throwing his arms up exasperatedly.
“Wait, that’s what this whole time travel thing is for, right? So that you can go back and do that?” Steve feigned confused. Elation coursed through his body at the entirety of this exchange.
“Ah, what I would give to rip that Coulson-suit off your ass back in New York.” Tony sighed exaggeratedly.
“I’m sure that would have been greatly appreciated.” Steve smiled, genuine in his voice this time.
“Oh, really? Would’ve pegged you as straight as a jacket.” Tony quipped.
“Oh, Tony, it’s like you don’t know me at all. This will show you!” He closed the gap between them and pulled Tony into a tight hug.
“Who are you and what have you done with Steve Rogers?” Tony exclaimed, amused and slightly alarmed. His voice muffled on Steve’s shoulder.
“Shut up when I’m giving it to you.” Steve squeezed Tony, who was warm under his touch.
“Oh my god, I’ve created a monster.” Tony laughed, returning the hug. That sound was music to Steve’s ears.
Mr. Rogers, I almost forgot that that suit did nothing for your ass.
Back to the here and now, he chuckled from the memory. “You should have spanked past-me, Tony, he really was too much.” He said into the wind, knowing Tony would agree.
There he was, on the waterfront, alone again. And Tony was still everything to him.
He sat there for a long time, marinating in a tangled combination of grief and gratitude.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder.
“Hey Steve, it’s getting late, wanna come inside?”
It was Pepper, with Morgan in her arms. The little girl looked at him shyly and turned back into her mother’s hold.
“Um…are you sure?” He replied hesitantly. Most everyone had left. He last saw Clint and Wanda standing together on the other side of the waterfront, arms around each other. That was hours ago.
“Of course, Steve.” Pepper smiled warmly at him. He felt his gut twist violently.
He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t be here with them. With Tony’s daughter looking at him like that. One day she’ll grow up and know that he had broken her father’s heart, and what came after was so much worse.
“Morgan, wanna take Mr. Steve back to the house? Steve likes cheeseburgers too!” Pepper asked her daughter, who nodded.
Pepper put Morgan down on her feet. Steve got on his knees in front of her and mustered the biggest smile he could.
“Hi Morgan, thanks for letting me stay for dinner.” He said, trying to sound okay, not wanting to scare her with his puffy eyes and dry voice. His chest felt sore in the way it does when you know a sob is coming.
Wordlessly, Morgan reached out and took one of his hands. He stood up and allowed her to lead him back into the house.
That night, after they had cheeseburgers for dinner. Morgan asked her mom if she could show Steve her room.
“Of course, Honey. I’m sure Mr. Steve would like that.” She looked at Steve and smiled comfortingly. The wind was again knocked out of his chest as he felt himself crumble in the face of Pepper’s kindness, her acceptance.
Morgan grabbed his hand and led him upstairs.
He saw that her room was an ordinary room. No crazy fancy toys or over the top decoration. It was the room of any well-loved, ordinary child.
“Mr. Steve?” Morgan looked up at him, tugging at his arm.
“Yeah, Morgan?” He responded softly.
“Are you Captain America?” She asked, her eyes suspicious.
He chuckled. “Yeah, Morgan, I am Captain America.”
Morgan lit up from this information. “Did my grandfather make you? My dad said he made you.”
“Well, your grandfather was part of the team that gave me the super soldier serum to make me strong and tall. We worked together during World War II.” He responded, opting to not give her the bullshit version of the truth.
“Were you friends?” She climbed on top of her bed and sat down, reaching out for her plush rabbit. She patted the spot next to her.
“With Howard? Yeah, we were friends. I saw him make a car float in the air. ” He smiled and sat down next to her, intrigued at her interest.
“Are you friends with my dad, too?” She said, her fingers worrying the rabbit’s pink, soft fur.
In that moment, Steve’s vision went white. He gripped Morgan’s floral comforter to steady himself, reminding himself to breathe.
“Yeah, Morgan. I was, I was friends with your dad. I…I loved him a lot.” And there it was, the truth he never said out loud. Finally confessed to the only Stark left in this world.
“I love him too.” Morgan replied happily, seemingly satisfied with his answer.
He wasn’t sure if she completely understood that Tony was gone. She was definitely a child of above average and most likely genius intelligence. But she was so young, so innocent in this world, not knowing the things that had happened to this scarred universe. He wanted to protect her from anything, at all cost.
“I loved him too.” He echoed her. His chest tight and tears streamed down his face.
“Do you love him 3000?” Morgan asked simply.
Steve wasn’t sure what exactly she meant, only knew that it was some sort of secret language between her and Tony. He didn’t want to usurp that.
“He loves you 3000 Morgan, he’ll always love you 3000.” He whispered, his hand reaching out to touch the fur of Morgan’s pink rabbit. His eyes were closed, he didn’t want her to see him so overcome.
After a long moment, Morgan sat herself upright in her bed. “Mr. Steve?"
He took a big breath and wiped his eyes quickly with his sleeve. “Yeah, Morgan?”
“Can I go sledding with your shield?” She asked, suddenly excited. “My dad always hides it, he said it's for you.”
Steve laughed, moved by image of Morgan wanting to play with Tony’s things. Then he remembered his new shield was broken by Thanos during the battle, and he felt that defeat like a hole in his chest.
“I’m sorry Morgan, I’m afraid the shield was broken.” He was scared to look at her, he didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes. He could never again weather the disappointment from anyone in this family.
“Oh! That’s ok.” Morgan immediately replied, suddenly sheepish. Then she leaned closer to him and whispered into his ear conspiratorially, “I found another one and I hid it in my tent.
Steve was surprised by this information. “Really? What does it look like?”
“The same, only not very shiny, and has 5 scratches like this.” She made her little fingers look like a claw.
He realized she was talking about his old shield, the one that T’Challa had scratched, the one he used to break Tony’s heart. His chest tightened at the pain of that shield, and how badly he wielded its power.
“It doesn’t belong to me.” He said to her, quietly and with feeling. “It belongs to you now, you can take it sledding anywhere.”
A few minutes after, Pepper came to tuck Morgan in bed.
He smiled up at her from his spot on Morgan’s bed, her gaze spoke of understanding and compassion.
“Steve, stay the night.” She said with intention, the Pepper Potts kind of intention you don’t say no to. “We have some old Avengers stuff in the house, I’m sure you can find something.”
He didn’t question her this time.
“Goodnight Mr. Steve.” Morgan patted his thigh, getting ready to shimmy under her covers.
“Hey Morgan, wanna go sledding tomorrow? I can help you!” He asked her with a smile on his face, eyes bright with this sudden idea.
Morgan looked at Pepper for permission. She nodded her yes.
“Goodnight Morgan, sweet dreams.” He gave Morgan one last smile and got up from her bed, walking toward Pepper.
He hugged her.
“Thank you.” He whispered, humbled by her in all ways, as he always had and always will be.
“We’re family, Steve.” She whispered back, giving him a small squeeze then letting him go.
He went to bed that night, aching with grief and gratitude. And hope.