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It's the time of the year when the blossoms are scattering and they're falling everywhere blending on the wet asphalt and creating a depressing atmosphere.
As if it can get more depressing than it is, Ohno thinks looking down at the pink and grey ground.
He puts his hands in the pockets of his coat and shivers slightly as he makes his way to his small apartment. It's just a little walk away from the bus station through the strongly lighted streets of Tokyo.
He has been in Tokyo since a few years ago, but it's not been long enough to forget everything, nor is this a place to heal his scars. But he has no other place to go for now and this is the only life he could make for himself. It's not a bad life for one like him.... but it's not a good life either.
A drop falls on his right eye making him scrunch his nose and close his eyes. Now he has to get his hand out again to wipe his eye. He does it slowly with sluggish movements and then he looks up at the cloudy sky. More and more drops fall on his face, on his neck and coat.
"Dreams are troublesome things. " he murmurs and starts walking again lazily to his place.
Ohno Satoshi is a lonely person. It's not that he hates it in particular, it's just that he doesn't like it that much either.
He's been staying in the same small and old apartment since he came to Tokyo only because he hates having to look for other places. The reason that he doesn't have much money to move is also some kind of sick consolation for still staying there.
He doesn't eat any dinner, just goes to bed as soon as he changes his clothes. He's sick of today, disappointed and knows that tomorrow won't be any better.
***
It's too early, he thinks as he waits for the bus to come and take him to work. Yeah, it's too early so there's no need to do more than he already does. There's no one who would appreciate it anyway.
It's only the start of the week and there's still a long three more days until he has some time for himself, so he thinks it's better to just let things be.
At work there's just long eight hours of doing whatever the others ask of him, of being scolded for doing something wrong and of never being acknowledged for doing something right. It was his job after all.
***
Back home there was someone to ask him things, to ask him how he was doing. Back home there were familiar faces and places he knew by heart.
In Tokyo there's so many new faces every day he doesn't even look at people anymore, there are places he doesn't know how to get to, where he gets lost into.
It's a Sunday afternoon. As always he's alone wondering through this city, going along the Sumidagawa river.
There are no people around. The fact that it's rainy and gloomy outside, with dark heavy clouds might have something to do with that. But Ohno doesn't care. He feels suffocated by faraway memories inside his four walls that he felt the need to breath outside air.
Even so, the memories won't leave him alone so he goes back home.
***
It's getting harder and harder to breath with his head burried in his pillow. He's had a bad dream, but he can't remember a thing of it and now he's in such a state of anguish he hadn't experienced since his mother died.
His chest hurts with his heaves and something else, a fear he doesn't understand, can't quite comprehend what he's afraid of.
He feels hot and clammy, he feels suffocating, and with trembling legs he gets out of bed and goes to open the door to the small balcony.
It's still cold outside at night but the cold feels good to his burning skin. He crunches down, looking outside at the flickering lights of the buildings across his street. Strangely, it calms him down and he falls asleep with his back leaning on the balcony wall.
***
The next day, he feels awful, his head hurting like never before, but he has to go to work so he goes to take a short shower.
The day feels neverending. He works as a caretaker for old people, and the work is really taking it's toll on his body everyday.
He's usually thankful for the fact that he's so tired at the end of the day that he can't even think, but today with his flu and not having time for lunch break, he feels so dizzy he can't see where he's going.
As he goes to put the sheets from an old lady's room to the laundry room, his eyesight goes all black and he's about to fall down the stairs when a pair of arms keep him from tumbling down.
Ohno looks up to see an angelic smile. He knows this smile. It's the owner's son. Ninomiya Kazunari. He's never talked to him before though.
"Oh my god, you're burning! You should go home and rest." Ninomiya says as he takes the sheets out of Ohno's arms.
Ohno looks at him without making a gesture. He suddenly feels his body so heavy it's hard to even nod or shake his head, and when Ninomiya helps him up he just lets out a small whine.
"Where does it hurt? " the guy asks but Ohno just closes his eyes.
***
He wakes up in one of the spare rooms of the institution. He tries to keep his eyes open, but he feels the whole room spinning with him so he closes them back.
"Are you up? " Ninomiya says and a cool hand lands on his forehead. "You still have a fever, but it's lighter than before. How do you feel? "
Why is he still here, Ohno wonders. Was he here all the time?
He opens his eyes and before him, leaning slightly above his face is Ninomiya. Probably, his face shows his disconcern as Ninomiya chuckles lightly. Then he cards his fingers through Ohno's hair setting it behind his ear.
"Sleep a bit more. Ninomiya says. You must still be tired. "
When Ohno wakes a second time, it's light outside. He must have slept the whole night he thinks with horror. He had to cover the night shift last night. He gets up abruptly, but he feels dizzy and stops.
"What are you doing? " Ninomiya asks
Ohno looks to the way the voice came and sees Ninomiya on a chair next to te bed. Was this guy here all night? Why?
"The shift... '' he manages to say. Ninomiya smiles.
"It's ok, miss Mariya and miss Rina are covering for you. You have 2 days off to get better. "
Ohno couldn't believe his ears. These two young girls always took advantage of him and made him cover for them.
"But miss Mariya has a date tonight.... '' he blurted out.
"She had. She cancelled it. When she heard you passed out, she offered herself to fill in for you. She said you always helped her out. "
Oh, so they aren't as bad as he thought. Maybe these people tried to be friends with him, but his untrusting nature rejected them all. Maybe it was his own fault for being alone, but he deserved it... he truly did.
But this is no place for self-loathing. He wanted to go home, he wanted to be alone.
But as soon as he put his feet down he stopped. The dizziness came back at full force and his sight blackened.
"What's wrong? " Ninomiya asked. Ohno looked up to Ninomiya's face. He was having a patient little smile curling his lips.
It made Ohno calm down. Probably, the problem was that he hadn't eaten too much lately, that was all.
"I'm fine... I guess. I just want to go home... ''
Ninomiya smiled again and said
"I understand. You should also take a couple of days to rest too. Come, I'll take you home.''
"Thanks....'' Ohno replied awkwardly.
Ohno didn't really liked to be treated like he was ill or something, also he didn't really like people getting into his life, but he appreciated it now as Ninomiya helped him with his clothes, down the stairs and up to the parking lot.
Here, Ohno felt an old fear and desire of making a few steps back, but Ninomiya kept him in place by the hold on his arm.
"Couldn't we just take the bus....? " Ohno asked in a small voice.
"Why? ''
"I.... I just don't really like cars, you see... '' Ohno said taking a few more steps back away from Ninomiya's steady hold.
"I see. Ok, then let's go to the bus station.'' Ninomiya said with his usual smile.
***
Ohno's room is small, but not messy. Ninomiya helps him in the bed, while he sits on a zabuton.
"I can take care of myself from here. Thank you very much Ninomiya-san. " Ohno said awkwardly after a few minutes of watching Ninomiya look around his small room.
Next to the bed he had found a notebook and started flipping through it.
Ohno didn't really care about others snooping through his things so he didn't say anything.
Ninomiya also didn't say anything, didn't reply to his earlier thanks, only flipped through page after page of Ohno's notebook.
Ohno looked at the thin threads of light filtering through the corners of his curtain covered windows. The mood seemed so easy, relaxed and he felt so tired, so drowsy that when Ninomiya talked he flinched.
"Do you have a dream? " Ninomiya asked his eyes blank like he was in a world of his own, too.
"Dreams are troublesome things.... '' Ohno replied automatically.
"Indeed they are.... they make your heart twist and your chest hurt...they make you feel like drowning.... are you chasing for your dream Ohno-san. "
Ohno looked carefully at Ninomiya's eyes when he was speaking. They had a far away look, just like the tone of his voice. It seemed he was talking about long gone times.
"I'm not... I've already given up on them.... '' Ohno said.
At that moment, Ninomiya's phone rang and after he looked at the caller id he stood up and went to the door.
"Take care of yourself, Ohno-san. " Ninomiya told him with his angelic smile in place and went out just like that.
Ohno let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and lay down on the bed. He streched his hand to get the notebook Ninomiya left on the zabuton. He flipped through it lazily taking in details he had once put on that paper.
"It's long since I've given up on them... '' he said with a definite tone.
***
Ninomiya took the elevator to his father's office.
"Kazunari, I have good news for you! " an old man in an expensive suit told him.
Ninomiya's father was quite old for having a son of Kazunari's age, but that was because he had seduced a young maid in his parents house when he was about 40 years old. And that made Kazunari a bastard child.
He had known it from the start, from the first time he came to that house, but he had chosen it. He had chosen to sell his soul for what he had now, a hollow life full of lies, surrounded by expensive things, a beautiful house, money to buy whatever he wanted.
"Really? " he replied with the same smile he had taken to wear in any situation.
"Yeah, the small factory that wouldn't want to sell to us finally gave up. We just bought all their shares and now it's your job to go take a look and see how many people we can dispose of as I want to make this factory an automated operating factory. " his father was talking animatedly while Kazunari stopped listening to him.
This was all he was good for, to take care of his father's dirty jobs, it seemed. He was sick of it, but still unable to say a word against him.
***
From the room next to his, laughters were getting through the paper thin walls of his apartment. Ohno was silently crying, tears falling down on his pillow, wetting it. He was crouched keeping his knees close to his chest and his eyes closed.
The laughters echoing through the room were making him feel small and hopeless, just like back then. It was like nothing had changed at all.
All of a sudden the room was lighted in a blue light. It was his phone, signalling a message. The suddenness of it made his tears stop, leaving at the corners of his eyes traces of sorrow.
With trembling hands he took the phone and swiped across the screen to unlock it. It was a message from work.
"I thought you'd want to know right now, since you were kind of friends with Miyashita-san. He died a half an hour ago. Nothing we could do....''
Ohno let the phone fall from his hand with a dull thud down on his carpeted floor.
In the distance, the siren of an ambulance or police car could be heard. Ohno rose his head and looked in the direction of the window automatically.
A flicker of light filtered through the curtains making Ohno's tearful eyes gleam with an odd twinkle.
***
He didn't go to Miyashita's funeral as his work colleagues suggested him. Of course he didn't. Miyashita san had a family even through he was staying in that place. Unlike him.
"These days you're always looking like you've been crying. Are you ok? "
"I'm fine. " Ohno said coldly and took his to do list from the staff room.
Lately this Ninomiya was following him around when they were together in the institution.
What was he thinking? That if he helped him once, Ohno would become his friend or what? Wasn't he a rich bocchan with lots of snob friends around anyway. What did he expect from him, Ohno wondered while getting to the second floor to check on Mrs Sakai.
She was a still very pretty lady with white hair kept in a bun on her neck. She always wore kimonos no matter how hard it was for her to put them on now and always had lipstick on her lips.
"Sakai-san you're looking very pretty today! " Ohno complimented her just like every other day.
"You saying it every day makes it less special you know? " the old lady said laughing.
"That might be true, but if I say it every day is also because its true. You look beautiful everyday. " Ohno said with a silent chuckle.
"You flatterer! " Sakai said laughing delighted.
After giving Sakai her medicines and changing her laundry and other small stuff he went out of the room thinking that the pacients here were the only ones making the job bearable. He couldn't say the same about his colleagues though....
"So you can actually laugh, huh? " Ninomiya said all of a sudden standing in front of Ohno, making him startle.
"What are you doing here, following me? " Ohno replied taking a step back.
"Sorry, didn't want to upset you...'' Ninomiya tried to appease Ohno who was furrowing his brows.
"Just that I wanted to ask you if you'd come stargazing with me.... '' Ninomiya said taking Ohno by surprise with the strange request.
***
Ohno is waiting at a stop, head down, looking at the colors reflected on the wet pavement.
It's still drizzling, but the night air is fresh and crisp. It does nothing to revigorate him, he feels his body as heavy as his heart is.
Inside his mind the memories don't let him go, clinging to him no matter how hard he tries to push them in a corner. It invades his whole being that he doesn't realize when the light gets green.
People push beside him, hurrying to get to their own destinations. No one realizes Ohno's falling tears.
Finally, he starts walking slowly when the green light starts blinking, signalling that it will soon become red. Even so, Ohno walks slowly to the other side never once rising his head.
That a simple thing like that would make him cry like this is unseemly.
"I want to go back home. " miss Sakai had said looking out the window with longing eyes. She couldn't go back home though, she had no home anymore and Ohno knew this, so he just sat still, not uttering a word.
Mrs Sakai had been married, but a long time ago her husband had died and had left her alone in the world. She had no other relatives.
"I mostly miss my parents home, the back garden where I used to hide from my piano teacher.
But you know? My mother would always find me no matter where I would hide. " she laughed silently.
After a long moment of silence she said: ''Even though I'm this old, I think I mostly miss my mother.... she knew me the best....all my fears.... all my weaknesses.... ''
"Why are you crying? " mrs Sakai said when she turned to face Ohno again and found him with tears strolling lazily down his cheeks.
"What? " he said taking his fingers to his eyes. He hadn't even realized he was crying.
"Umm...it had been a touching story...'' he tried to justify his tears.
Mrs Sakai laughed heartily this time. "I'm sorry Ohno-san. I must have triggered a long forgotten memory? " she said smiling sadly.
Like he could forget that memory, Ohno thought unlocking the door to his small room. His mother had died 7 years ago, but the memories couldn't be forgotten so easily.
People who said that time would heal everything were all wrong. It could pass a lifetime and he would still be unable to forget.
That's why he was so weary, so fearful of everything, anything that could trigger the feelings. And it was always such small things that would make him fall asleep crying.
***
"When are we going stargazing? " Ninomiya started as soon as he got to the staff room and saw Ohno rearranging his shifts around.
Mariya had another date and wanted a full day free to get ready. For Ohno taking more shifts was a welcomed thing. As long as he could avoid being alone inside those four walls anything was good, even work.
"Hey, Ohno-san, stop ignoring me. " Ninomiya said coming closer to him.
"What? " Ohno asked a little confused.
"You weren't listening to me...'' Ninomiya made a disappointed face.
"Sorry, had some things on my mind. "
"I could see that! So, tonight you're coming with me, ok? "
"I have work tonight. " Ohno said at ease. He knew it was the best excuse, after all he had work every night that week. And it was just a matter of time until Ninomiya would get bored of him.
"After work then. I'll be here at 10. " Ninomiya said smiling easily and getting out of the staff room leaving Ohno baffled.
***
"So this is the rich kids raised in big cities way of stargazing, huh? " Ohno said looking through the telescope out to the vast sky.
He then turned around to Ninomiya laughing: "I don't get a thing of your constellations. " he said and sat down next to him.
"What? "
"Nothing... it's just that it's rare to see you laughing. It looks good on you.... this smile. " Ninomiya said pointing to his lips. Ohno's smile fell suddenly.
"Not everyone is happy like you. " Ohno said in a small voice to Ninomiya's back. Now he was the one looking through the telescope.
"I look happy to you? " Ninomiya laughed. "Then I must be a better liar than I thought. "
"I think you're a good enough liar as it is.'' Ohno said looking at the twinkling lights of Tokyo.
They were on the roof of one of the most expensive hotels in the city, but the staff of the hotel let Ninomiya enter without asking a word. He must have reserved the place just for this. What a waste, Ohno thought.
Ninomiya took a sit on the concrete next to Ohno and looked in the same direction as him.
"Ohno-san, do you know what love is? " Ninomiya asked suddenly, smiling his usual fake smile.
"Love? " Ohno asked taken aback.
"Love, I've always wondered what love is.'' Ninomiya continued with the same smile on his lips.
Ohno hadn't thought about love at all since that day.
That wasn't love, that was obsession. That was stupidity on his part and it had cost him too much. Much more than he had been ready to give. That's why he was living this life now.
"You see, young, good-looking bastards like me are never blessed with love. You just can't have everything in life, can you? " Ninomiya talked on a light tone, like he was joking. The same angelic smile adorned his lips even now. But, his tone had a bitter tang to it too, something Ohno couldn't grasp or put to words.
"Have you ever loved someone, Ohno-san? " Ninomiya insisted.
"Can't we just drop the subject? " Ohno asked a little irritated by the way this conversation was going. In fact, he didn't want to talk at all, and even less about himself.
"So you have, huh? " Ninomiya pressed.
"I'm going now. I'm tired and I have to wake up early tomorrow. " Ohno said upset by the way the other talked about him even though he didn't even know him.
But as soon as he got up Ninomiya grasped his arm and turned him so they faced each other.
"I know this look in your eyes. You're as twisted as I am, right? You're a damaged little boy with broken heart and hurt feelings. " Ninomiya continued keeping him close and looking him straight in the eyes.
Ohno was panting a little, taken by surprise, afraid of this man that saw through him.
"You're just like me! " Ninomiya said and kissed his lips forcefully. Ohno's heart beat so fast that he thought he was going to explode any minute and die.
He was feeling a mixture of fear and excitement he hadn't felt since 7 years ago and that was the most terrifying thing ever.
So he pushed Ninomiya away and left the place running.
***
They had never been a big happy family in the first place, but they did pretend well.
Ohno was the youngest of the family and his father had always regarded him as small and good for nothing.
His mother, had been the only one in the family that had wanted to actually help him in some way or another, but she too had believed he had no strength, that he was a weakling good for nothing. She had never believed in him, but she had been the only one....and now because of him, she wasn't there anymore.
***
"Ohno-san! " Ninomiya singsonged in a happily, perfect tone.
Ohno jumped a little taken by surprise.
"You again.... '' Ohno said irritated. "Won't you just leave me alone already. "
"Come on... don't be like that, it was just a little innocent kiss. " Ninomiya smiled cutely.
"That's not what it's about. What I say is that you should stop playing around with me. There's nothing for you to gain out of it. "
Ohno sighed collecting the dirty sheets from the bed and going out to the laundry room.
"Why don't you let me decide that? I think because we're the same we have a lot of things to gain if we stay together. '' Ninomiya said following Ohno around.
"Stay together? I have no idea what you're talking about. I barely even know you.... ''
"I'm getting you home tonight. Let's get to know each other better, ok? " Ninomiya said and and went out just like that.
Ohno didn't care much though. He realized Ninomiya was a stubborn troublesome guy and he had no energy to deal with him.
Just as he had promised, Ninomiya had come that night, at the end of Ohno's shift and took him by the hand.
"Where are we going? " Ohno asked after a while of being guided through the crowded streets of the city.
It was after working hours when middle-aged salary men would roam around half drunk.
"To show you my guilty pleasure. " Ninomiya said smiling, the only thing I liked and had been forbidden to me. "
"Eh...'' Ohno let out unconsciously. Maybe they were actually the same.
Ninomiya had taken him to a small bar with a piano in the corner. When they got there, no one was inside and the light was turned off. Ninomiya turned it on and sat down on the piano stool.
When he saw that Ohno was standing in the same place he had left him, close to the entrance looking at him, Ninomiya patted the spot next to him on the stool.
Ohno automatically went and sat down.
Ninomiya started running his fingers on the piano keys. Soon a melody started filling the air, but strangely, Ohno couldn't hear it.
He was absorbed by the magical image of the fingers moving on the keys, he was itching to let his fingers move too, but across a piece of paper.
He hadn't felt that in so so long, and it was strange and right at the same time, the feelings suffocating him in ways he had forgotten.
Sooner than he wanted, the magic dissipated, leaving Ohno with a raw desire. He felt so dazed when Ninomiya looked at him and asked him if everything was alright.
It wasn't, how could it be alright. How could he go back to his self imposed life of repentance now. And it was all Ninomiya's fault.
He raised his head to look at Ninomiya, to tell him that it was his fault, but when he looked into the man's eyes he forgot everything he wanted to say.
Ninomiya's eyes were telling him he understood, that he knew everything he was going through.
A stray tear found it's way down Ohno's cheek. Ninomiya wiped it with his thumb and kept Ohno's face in his hand caressing his wet cheeks.
"Whatever they tell you, it's not your fault.''
***
Ohno didn't think he could get out of bed and go to work that day....it had been so strange, that desire....
Even if he had with him all of his old sketchbooks, he hadn't been able to draw a single doodle.
But here he was now, looking with dazed eyes at the results of his last night madness. A charcoal sketch of Ninomiya's hands on the piano.
He put the sketch aside and burried his head back in his pillow. He had the afternoon shift, maybe he could sleep a while until he had to leave.
He woke up in the loud melody of his alarm. A rock love song that ''he'' had liked and that Ohno just couldn't get out of his mind. Even though he was running away of every memory from back then, he had kept only this one, only this....
He swiped his finger across his phone to close the alarm and with sluggish movements got out of bed.
He had eaten nothing that day but he had no appetite whatsoever, so he left after a short shower.
The afternoon shift implied to stay overnight. Even though the other workers hated this shift, Ohno didn't care much if it was day or night, he didn't have anyone waiting for him at home anyway.
After all the lights had been turned off in the building, instead of going to the room prepared for those staying overnight to rest, he went out to the back garden.
He had liked this place since the first time he had seen the establishment. He didn't have much time to be here during day shift, but at night there was rarely someone that needed him.
It had rained that day and water drops adorned the lavish grass and the beautiful hyacinth flowers. The air was filled by their perfume. It was the rainy season.
Ohno sat on one of the benches in the garden looking at the vast sky. It was a full moon that night, but the clouds circled around it making it look like it had a veil around it.
So strange, Ohno thought. Even though nothing of this scenery could bring back memories from that time, here he was reminiscing his days as a kid, back at school.
The way his mother scolded him for being out too late and missing dinner. He had slept with an empty stomach that night.
That brought him back to the present. He hadn't eaten anything the whole day and he was getting hungry. He ignored his stomach though, in favour of this small moment of tranquility.
And then just like that a figure appeared and sat beside him on the bench offering him a cup of hot tea.
Ohno didn't get perturbed though. There were vey few things that coud make him agitated. And Ninomiya wasn't one of them. Especially now when he was starting to get used to his presence. That didn't impeded him to ask Ninomiya what he was doing there at that hour.
"You do remember this is my father's establishment, right? " Ninomiya said with a smirk on his face, but seeing that he didn't impress Ohno in the least he continued.
"I just had some things to discuss with the chief and it got longer than I predicted. After that I just wanted a tea and saw you out the window of the kitchen and thought we could share a tea and some stories maybe? " Ninomiya smiled looking at Ohno.
" I think I'll pass the stories. But thank you for the tea. " Ohno said smiling back, even though it was small and it didn't reach his eyes.
Ninomiya didn't insist further, just stayed there with Ohno on the bench looking in the darkness scattered with small far away lights from the street lamps and the occasional beams of the moon.
Ninomiya looked up just in time to see the clouds moving away from around the moon. Somehow it was a romantic scene.
"Hey, Ohno, have you ever loved someone? " Ninomiya started again.
"Hmmm... could you please stop with the love questions? I've long since forgotten about it. "
"Don't you think it's kind of romantic? " Ninomiya said again pointing up. Ohno followed his finger. He looked up and then at Ninomiya.
"I think it's creepy... '' Ohno said.
Ninomiya blurted out laughing.
"You're awful! " he laughed. "And here I thought it was a romantic scene. " Ohno grimaced and went ahead to sip at his tea.
"I've never loved anyone before so I wondered... '' Ninomiya confessed looking ahead in the darkness again. "I think I'm kind of an empty person. " he said sheepish. "And sometimes I feel that something's missing, but then I remember it's all me...if I'm like this, if I'm feeling like this it's all my fault. "
Ohno let the cup of tea down on the ground and looked insistently straight into Ninomiya's eyes. The latter felt self-conscious and lowered his eyes.
"No matter what they tell you it's not your fault'' you said that night. Have you told it to yourself many times over? "
Ninomiya kept looking down. "Who knows...'' he said at last.
"You're not missing on anything if you haven't loved before. " Ohno said after a while. "I'm freezing. I'm going inside. " he told Ninomiya and took the cup and went inside. Ninomiya followed him.
"Why do you say that? " Ninomiya insisted. Ohno sighed long and suffering.
"You won't let it go, will you? "
"Pretty please... '' Ninomiya tried his cutest puppy eyes. It was an attempt to make the air lighter, not to convince Ohno to tell him his love story. Ohno took as what it was.
"I can't give you advice about love.... my love story didn't have a happy ending. " Ohno started. Ninomiya took a seat next to him at the table in the small kitchen of the establishment.
"Thinking about it now, it probably wasn't even love, it was an illusion, obsession maybe... We were in the same year at high school back home, he approached me when we ended up in the same class in our second year. "
Ninomiya was surprised a little to find out Ohno wasn't from Tokyo but feared that if he interrupted Ohno he wouldn't continue his story anymore, so he let it go.
"He said he liked my childish doodles, he said he liked me... I didn't believe it at first, that someone like him, someone cool, a real artist like him would like me was truly unbelievable. He was a little of a rebel, some kind of James Dean. He hated everyone, but he liked me. " Ohno was talking with some kind of unbelieving awe in his voice, like he was reliving all those memories now.
"We started going out, we made plans for the future, to get out of that town, to go to Tokyo, to make it big together. But then..... '' Ohno started twisting and squeezing his hands together. The look in his eyes seemed wild, it was like he didn't even see Ninomiya anymore.
"But then I.... it was all my fault...'' Ohno said in a whisper.
"I think this might be enough story telling for tonight....'' Ninomiya whispered back leaning towards Ohno.
Ohno raised his scared gaze to Ninomiya's eyes. He saw some kind of understanding there and let out a tiny breath. At least he hadn't said it all out...
"I'm sorry... '' Ohno said after a while.
"I'm the one who's sorry... '' Ninomiya said crunching down beside Ohno. They were both tired somehow, their gazes far away into memories they weren't ready to share yet.
"Maybe we shouldn't tell stories for a while though...'' Ohno tried to make the air lighter. Ninomiya smiled and sat back down on his chair at the table.
***
No more stories, Ohno thought. But what to do about the big heavy rock he had gotten to wear in his chest since he talked to Ninomiya that night.
His memories, his feelings from that time had gotten back in a whirlwind in his mind never letting go of him anymore.
If before he felt numb, he now felt like he was dying...dying from too many thoughts, too many what ifs, too many regrets.
He couldn't sleep at night, he couldn't think at day. He was in a trance-like state incessantly, not knowing how to get out of it...
"Ohno-san. Is something wrong? " Mrs Sakai asked. "You seem out of it...is there something on your mind. "
"It's nothing.... he tried, but Mrs Sakai insisted until he took a seat near her bed and started telling her the talk with Ninomiya. At least, as much as he could talk about it.
But talking wasn't the remedy for his torment. The more he talked the more he remembered. Memories buried deep down coming back up in a torrent and drowning him every night, hurting him day after day.
***
He had a day off, his first day off in months and had no idea what to do with it.
He had cleaned his room, has gone to do his laundry early in the morning and even ate breakfast.
It was still early, and he felt really agitated, after an equally agitated night.
He had dreamt about his mother. That day when his father had thrown all his sketchbooks to the trash.
When he had been crying alone in his room his mother came with a new sketchbook. She told him it was his fault, that he shouldn't have disobeyed his father. That if he wants to draw he should hide better. She had stroked his hair, smiled encouragingly and then left.
After that he had hid well all his sketchbooks, all his pens. He would draw only at night and work at day.
It was all well until he met him...
***
"What a surprise! I didn't know I would find you here of all places. " Ninomiya appeared in front of him. Ohno took a step back surprised.
"I looked for you at the institution. They told me you had a day off. " Ninomiya said taking Ohno's hand and propelling him further. Ohno struggled a little to keep with his pace.
"And why did you look for me? " Ohno asked letting Ninomiya guide him through the narrow paths downtown.
"Wanted to make sure you were ok. " Ninomiya said giving Ohno's hand a squeeze. It was probably because he was tensed, Ohno thought. It had been awkward after that night, indeed.
"Why wouldn't I be? " Ohno avoided the question.
"I don't know... you tell me. After all, you have been avoiding me since then. " Ninomiya said a little fired up.
Ohno laughed. He hadn't seen Ninomiya like this before and he kind of looked like a little annoyed kitten.
"It's only been a few days, hadn't even time to avoid you much. "
"But you didn't replyed to my text message. " Ninomiya pouted.
"Ehh, you left me a message? " Ohno said sincerely surprised. He took the phone out of his pocket and swiped its screen to see '' 1 unread message'' above the messages icon.
He opened it to read that Ninomiya wanted to show him something.
"So what do you want to show me? " Ohno asked looking at Ninomiya's mortified face.
"First, let's go for lunch. I'm hungry. "
Ninomiya said and took Ohno's hand again to guide him through the maze of the downtown streets.
They entered a small, ordinary restaurant full of salary men.
"I don't feel quite hungry... '' Ohno said looking at the menu. They had everything, from pasta to fried fish, but Ohno didn't really had an appetite. In the morning he had pushed something down his throat only to have something to do, and it made him now feel kind of nauseous.
"I can't eat much either, so why don't we split something? " Ninomiya asked. Ohno felt he was just nice to him so he nodded with a small smile.
"My favorite food is humburger, so can I order that? And maybe desert. " Ninomiya laughed. "I think we might need some energy for our next trip. "
"Where to? " Ohno asked, though he kind of suspected he won't be told anything.
"You'll see. " Ninomiya smiled, the curl of his thin lips a vivid resemblance to a little kitten.
They ate the hamburger and a chocolate cake while getting secret glances from the other people for sharing food like schoolgirls.
The eating was quite a fast affair and then Ohno let himself guided by Ninomiya's hand to the train station.
Where Ninomiya brought him was a pet shelter. Ohno couldn't hide his surprise.
"You want a pet? " he asked as Ninomiya showed him inside.
There wasn't anyone in the main hall, only cages with puppies and kitties.
Ninomiya went straight to one of the bigger cages where 3 kitties were sleeping in a pile.
Ninomiya looked over his shoulder at Ohno who stood still.
"I found them 2 days ago in that pour.... you remember? It rained that night.''
Ohno hummed. He remembers. He looked out the window at the dark sky unable to stop the painful feeling in his chest that night. He remembers he didn't know why it was so hard to fall asleep when all his misery wasn't brought up on a rainy day.
On the contray, up till now he felt better on the gloomy kind of days, the rain a strange comfort for his burdened soul. That night it wasn't like that.
"So I brought them here. My friend is a veterinary. " Ninomiya continued scratching one of the kitty's head through the bars.
"Aren't they cute? " Ninomiya asked turning back to Ohno.
"I can't keep pets. My apartment's owner doesn't allow it. " Ohno replied with a straight face. Ninomiya blinked and started laughing.
"I didn't bring you here to adopt a pet. " Ninomiya said through giggles.
"Then why? " Ohno asked a little pissed at Ninomiya's outbreak.
"Just thought you might need something to get out of the everyday life, something soothing... '' Ninomiya ended on a questioning tone.
From the back door, voices were getting louder catching Ohno's attention. He didn't reply to Ninomiya's half question and turned around when the door was pushed open and a tall, handsome man entered the main hall.
"Did I interrupt something? " the man asked as he looked from Ohno to Ninomiya.
"Not at all.'' Ninomiya said going to shake hands with the man, while Ohno stood still, watching this short change of words.
Then Ninomiya turned to him again and introduced the man as, Aiba Masaki, his friend, the veterinary.
Aiba was a perfect host and invited them to his house upstairs where he served them coffee and cookies.
It seemed he was fond of sweets. Ohno had a sweet tooth himself, so he talked a little about that, but most of the time preferring to listen to the lively exchange between the two friends.
It seems Ninomiya was always saving pets when he wasn't saving people from falling down the stairs. It also seemed the two weren't friends for a long time, but they did keep in touch and met quite often.
Ohno had no friends. He had always been a lonely person, having a hard time making friends, but lately he had been isolating himself from people of his own will. It was hard going out with people, having fun, smiling, laughing, when he knew it was his fault, everything was his fault, that he had no right to laugh....
"Ohno san! Ohno san! " Aiba's voice got him out of his thoughts.
"Sorry, didn't pay attention....'' Ohno said apologetic. Aiba had been really nice and he felt a little bad for letting his mind wander.
"Don't worry. We were just talking about Nino having a piano recital next week and he was wondering if you'd come too. I'm going by the way. " Aiba finished with a large, proud smile.
Ohno was taken a little a back by the news. Since that night when he heard Ninomiya play, he hadn't been there again. Ninomiya didn't took him either, didn't invite him. Maybe they were both a little afraid... Ohno was definitely afraid if he was to be honest. Ninomiya's melodies made something burn inside of him.
"Let's go together, ok?'' Aiba said again trying to convince him.
Ohno looked at Ninomiya. In his eyes he could see that Ninomiya was nervously waiting for his answer. But did he want him to go? Ohno couldn't tell. He turned his gaze back to Aiba who was still smiling excitedly.
"Ok.... '' Ohno said with uncertainty. He gazed furtively at Ninomiya and was quite glad to find him smiling.
"You didn't talk much. " Ninomiya said on their way back. "I hope I didn't put you in a bad spot. "
"You could have asked me yourself. I would have said yes anyway. "
"Would you really? " Ninomiya asked with a blank face. "I have this feeling you're avoiding me, running away from me.....or maybe something else..... "
Ohno frowned. It was such a strange thing to hear from Ninomiya. Like he knew.... like he had been going through the same things maybe....
"But I really wanted you to meet Aiba. " Ninomiya smiled. "And the kittens too.''
The change was too fast and too drastic, even Ohno could tell his smile was forced. So Ohno smiled genuinely and told him that Aiba was as cute as the kitties.
"I'll come to your recital. I want to hear you playing again. " Ohno said making Ninomiya smile shily.
***
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... '' he wasn't crying, and his voice wasn't wavering, but Ninomiya could sense the feeling of distress, of urgency in Ohno's voice.
"You can't make it after all? " Ninomiya asked, his mouth going dry. He didn't get what was this restlessness he was feeling in Ohno's voice, even though Ohno himself sounded quite normal.
"I'm really sorry.... '' Ohno said again and then someone from the staff came to inform Ninomiya he had to get ready for his performance.
"It's ok, there will be other occasions. Talk to you later, Ohno san. " Ninomiya said, but before he could finish his phrase he heard the end tone from the other line.
Something was definitely wrong. And as he went to get ready for his performance, Ninomiya realized Ohno didn't sound normal, he sounded automatic, like a robot.
His instincts told him to go find Ohno, but he couldn't right then, he only hoped his instincts were wrong this time.
***
There was nothing to cry about, but the fear surrounded his whole being, enveloping his clouded mind. It was probably the shock, Ohno thought as his legs shook when getting on the train. It was normal to feel shocked, he thought looking outside from his seat, as the train got into motion.
It was night and when the train got outside of Tokyo only the occasional light of some faraway town or the darkness could be seen.
Ohno let his head fall on the window and closed his eyes.
"Satoshi? " there was really his brother's voice on the other end of the line. It felt so so faraway to him now. So long ago....
"Yeah... '' he could only say.
"It was really hard to find you, but I had to tell you something important. Our father died 3 days ago. Tomorrow's the funeral. "
"So what? " Ohno could hear himself say, but it felt like it wasn't him the one talking. All this felt so strange to him now, breaking, creeping into his carefully created little world.
"I know it might not mean anything to you, I know.... but please come.... I need you here.... you have no idea. " his brother said breaking into tears.
"Ok...'' Ohno heard himself say. It was strange of him to be so detached of his own feelings, when until now even a too vivid memory could make him unable to breah, breaking him from inside out.
Ohno opened his eyes. The train stopped in one of the bigger stations and even though it was night, it was bustling with people getting on and off.
There were mostly young people using the night train because it's cheaper. Ohno tried to filter their voices and get some sleep.
***
"You're really good. " a voice said from behind. Ohno looked over his shoulder and felt his face go warm. It was the coolest guy in the whole school. And the only one Ohno admired. Yuuya....
"Really? It's not that great. You're much better than I am. " Ohno said going back to his painting, trying to not let his shyness show.
Yuuya laughed and admitted to that without any kind of humbleness. He was a very confident person. Ohno admired him for that too.
On the other side, Ohno wasn't confident in his skills, more like he couldn't be, with a family that didn't encourage his natural talents and with a father that thought him weak and good for nothing.
In fact he was hiding from them that he was in the art club, his family knew he was in the badminton club. He has signed in that one too, but rarely visited it. After school, when he didn't have to help at their family business, he was mostly in the art club.
"I've watched you for a long time... '' Yuuya had said one day.
And that's how it all started, as simple as that.
In time, Ohno had developed a somewhat half crush, half one-sided love towards him ever since the guy had showed him attention.
And lately Yuuya showed him a lot of attention, taking Ohno along on his mysterious trips to the river after school. Yuuya had said that it was there where he got his inspiration from.
And then just like that, Yuuya got closer and closer to him. They soon became friends and then even more than that. The first time Yuuya kissed him Ohno could only think that if his father knew he was gay too, he would have probably killed him.
After that Yuuya dragged him into all of his problems, at school, at home, but he never regretted following him. In his mind Yuuya was all he couldn't be, a rebel, some kind of hero.
But that ended in the darkness of that night.
"I want to get out of this small, god damn forgotten town. Let's go to Tokyo! " Yuuya had said one day. "We can make our dreams come true there. "
***
Ohno set foot on the platform of his hometown and looked around trying to take in all the changes that took place in that 7 years time span.
And there had been a lot. There were so many people now. High schoolers, commuting salarymen and old people too.
The early summer sunrays were making the scene look so fresh and bustling with life.
"Satoshi!'' a familiar voice yelled his name. Ohno turned his head in the direction of the voice and gasped inaudibly.
He was probably just not ready for this, but he couldn't go back now so he just steeled himself and took a step forward.
***
It's that time of the year when the cherry blossoms are falling, fluttering everywhere in the city. It's kind of like a bittersweet memory of a long ago romantic story. Ninomiya looks up of the papers he was reading to look at the falling pink petals.
It's one of those days he doesn't have much to do and helps with the chores at the old people home.
He smiles and gets in the institution putting the paper back in the envelope and into his back pocket.
The letter waited for him this morning on the kitchen table and it was addressed to him personally. Ninomiya wonders when it got there since he hadn't passed by the institution in more than a month.
After Ohno disappeared, Ninomiya decided he had to reform his life. He talked to his father and told him that he quits being his lap dog and even though it was difficult, he succeded making a life out of his dream, playing the piano.
It wasn't like he was famous or anything, but he did what he liked and was content with how it turned out.
Of course, he had been disowned by his father, but that was ok, it was what he needed to cut all the ties with him. The only place connected to him that he still visited was the old people institution, but that was only because he hoped Ohno would come back here again someday.
That night, he sat down on the bench in the back yard where a year ago he had talked with Ohno and wrote down a reply letter to the letter he had received.
True, that letter wasn't written asking for a reply, but he felt the need to write one, felt the need to convey his feelings too.
***
"So when are you going to Sapporo again? " Aiba asked pouring the beer bottle into the two glasses on the table.
"The day after tomorrow. " Ninomiya said raising the glasses to his lips.
"So soon. I can't come this time then. " Aiba said sipping his beer too.
"It's ok. I'm sure there will be other occasions to come. Anyway, after that I have a small recital here in Tokyo, you can come then, right? "
"Of course! You can count me in! " Aiba laughed and Ninomiya joined him into his good mood.
When he went home, be looked down at his still unsent letter on the night stand. He smiled looking outside of his window at the strongly litted neon signs of the conbini across the street.
Maybe he should just deliver it himself, Ninomiya thought, looking at the address on the back of the envelope: Tsukigata, Kabato, Hokkaido.
***
"Good morning! " said the little girl barely able to reach the door knob.
"Good morning, Mio-chan. What would you like today? " Ohno asked from the back of the counter.
"I want the strawberry short cake, but mummy send me for toast bread. " the little girl replied trying to reach the countertop on her tiptoes.
Ohno laughed and went to bring a fresh bread. He put it in a paper bag and went in front of the counter to give it to Mio-chan. As she put the coins in his palm, Ohno put a candy in her little hand.
"I can't give you cake, it's bad for the business, but I hope you like candies. "
Mio smiled and nodded. She went back to the door skipping and Ohno giggled to himself. Mio-chan was a cheeky little girl, but only when she was alone. When she was with her mother she was all good manners and shy smiles. Kids these days were really smart.
It was a Friday afternoon and things were really at a slow pace in this small town. Ohno liked this mood the most.
He had finished the cleaning and most of the work that had to be done for the next day. It was almost the closing hour, so Ohno just went back at the counter and waited for time to pass as he looked outside the large windows absently.
It had been a year, cherry blossoms were fluttering everywhere....
The clinking of the door bell called him back to the present.
"Can I have a cheesecake, please?''
Ohno smiled.
***
"Was I late, perhaps? " Ninomiya asked savoring his cheesecake at Ohno's table, in the back of the bakery.
"A little, only. " Ohno replied from across the table checking Ninomiya's features carefully.
He looked, the same, nothing could show the smallest change on his face, even his trademark smile was just the same, but Ohno knew, he just knew somehow.
"Sorry for that. Your letter was waiting for me patiently on the table we used to sit at. Do you remember? "
Ohno nodded once, his eyes far away.
"I don't want this to turn into yet another story-telling conversation, like back then. I've confessed everthing to you, didn't I? " Ohno said after a while, his gaze focused on Ninomiya now.
"Of course. Though you didn't confess everthing, l've read your story. And I have my story right here. " Ninomiya said pulling from his bag a white envelope and pushing it towards Ohno on the table.
Ohno took the envelope and turned it on both sides. On the front with small letters it was written For Ohno Satoshi, Ninomiya Kazunari's story.
Ohno stood up and put the envelope in an empty drawer from his kitchen furniture. He also took Ninomiya's empty plate and put it in the sink.
"I'll read it carefully, later. "
"Why not now? "
"Didn't I tell you? I don't want this to turn into story-telling. "
"But you were waiting for me, right? Why did you write that letter? Why did you sent it to me? "
Ohno giggled, making Ninomiya frown in confusion.
"So many questions. " Ohno cleared. He came back to the table and sat down on the chair in front of Ninomiya again.
"When I came back here, I was overwhelmed by the memories, the remorse, the guilt, everything. It was like I was caught back in time. But then, day by day, I learned to live with myself, I learned not to run away from me, to confront myself, to forgive myself."
"But I have no one here who knows me, who knows my pain. "
"My brother lives and works at his wife's parents house. He took over their business. That's why he called me back. He didn't want our house to go derelict, nor our parents' work to go to waste. And I thought that this is the least I could do for them after all the things I've done wrong.''
"I just hope you won't regret doing the things others push on to you, like I've done. " Ninomiya interrupted.
Ohno shook his head.
"It's not like that, I'm doing it for me as well, and it's not atonement more like liberation...? I don't know if you understand....''
"I do! " Ninomiya said firmly and Ohno smiled.
"You might wonder now on good reason what has all this to do with you.
After some time I realized people here accepted me and pitied me, but that was only because they didn't know me, the real me. All they see is a good young man who came back into this small town to take over his parents business, even though he had a life in Tokyo.
And I really needed to tell everything to someone who knew me, to confess what happened that night. That's when I took the courage to write it down on paper. At first it wasn't addressed to anyone in particular, but the more I wrote, the more I realized I wanted you to read it. So after I finished I took my letter and put it in an envelope on which I wrote your name and sent it to Tokyo, to the institution. "
Ninomiya didn't say anything and Ohno just let him digest his words hoping Ninomiya would comprehend the unconfessed meaning also and he wouldn't need to word it out.
"And....? " Ninomiya asked. "Why me? "
"Because you know me better than any other person at this point. Because we're the same. You said so too....and because I'm lonely...very lonely....'' Ohno finished, his gaze down to his hands, flustered to admit it.
Ninomiya reached across the table and took Ohno's hand.
"We are the same. " Ninomiya said when Ohno raised his eyes to look at him.
***
"Are you sure you're coming back? " Ohno asked a little nervous, his eyes guarded as he looked out the window.
Ninomiya looked around Ohno's bakery.
In the back it looked like a usual kitchen, but the front store was adorned by many paintings and some photos too. Every wall seemed to have a thematic of its own. Ohno really was an artist and Ninomiya was glad to see that Ohno hadn't given up on his dream after all.
"My current job requires me to travel along the country quite a lot, but I'll come back. As long as there are roads connecting us, I'll come back to you. I promise. " Ninomiya said firmly, stepping in front of Ohno to see his expression.
Ohno smiled at him, an unsure little smile, but Ninomiya promised himself he'll show Ohno he was serious about this.
"Thank you! " Ohno said when Ninomiya was half out the door. He smiled to convey to Ninomiya it was heartfelt and that he trusted him.
Ninomiya smiled back and nodded. He'll come back and they'll make new memories together, they'll share so much more, maybe even their whole lives.
***End***
Ohno's letter
I came home from school one day and started packing just a few of my things in my sports bag. I hesitated to bring with me my sketchbook and a an ink pen, but in the end I couldn't help it. After all if I wanted to make it big in Tokyo I needed some tools right? For sure, Yuuya was going to buy some new ones over there, but I liked my old, used ones.
After I finished my task I took some time to look around my room.
What a cliche thing to do, but it would be the last time I would see this space that had been only mine for this 18 years of my life. Maybe the only thing in this house that had been truly and only mine.
I looked outside the window, pushing the curtain only a little aside.
My mother's garden and my father's strawberries greenhouse.
He was very proud of those strawberries, prouder than of his two sons. But that's ok, I like strawberries more than my family too. And I worked long hard hours in there.
I think it's time to go though, as it's getting darker. Probably Yuuya is already waiting for me, and he doesn't like to wait much.
As I put on my new white snickers that I bought together with Yuuya, my mother came in.
She had been in town to deliver strawberries to a small bakery and cake shop that used our strawberries for their pastries.
That was the job my father had entrusted her with. We all had our own jobs and obligations in the house. It was like we were the employees of a small factory, not the members of a family.
"Satoshi, where are you going? "
"To the river. " I replied serenely. I wasn't in the mood for a fight with my mother.
"What about your job Satoshi? Have you finished it? "
My job, like I was their employee... my job was to clean and pluck the grass in the greenhouse. I wasn't allowed to go near their precious strawberries, because I was stupid and I might damage them.
The picking was done by my brother while being supervised by my father. I can only imagine the stress my brother is under every time he has to pick strawberries.
"Haven't even started it. " I said smiling. I could see then how my mother's face expression changed. But I was in no mood for her preaching, so I pushed the door open and stepped outside.
"Where do you think you're going!? She yelled after me annoyed.
"I'm leaving the house. " I yelled back, but not turning to look at her.
"What are you saying? You didn't even finish high school yet. " she said and I had to laugh.
So if I had finished school then I was allowed to leave? What bullshit! It was of course because the neighbors were going to gossip like this. If I had finished school they could have said that I went to university or something, but like this it would be hard to explain my absence.
"So what?! I don't care! " I threw back at her with all the disdain I could put in that sentence.
I started to walk faster. I wanted to get away from there as fast as I could. I knew my mother was still following me, I could hear her voice calling my name, still.
There was only this big crossing street that separated me from the train station and I passed it without waiting for the green light.
My phone was vibrating in my pocket and I knew it was Yuuya. Probably the train had arrived on the platform.
I ran through the cars and when I finally got on the other side I heard a scream. It was my mother's voice. Why was she still here?
I intended to only turn around for a second, but what I saw in that moment marked me for life. I couldn't move anymore. People screamed and stopped on their tracks, bringing hands to their mouths and eyes.
Cars stopped too, and probably someone called for the police and the hospital, because in a few moments the ambulance and the police came, their light and screeching sounds making my head spin.
It might have been the panic, or the adrenaline that pushed me to run to her, to shake my mother to life, to scream at her.
It's like it wasn't even me. It was like I was still watching from the other side at this Satoshi who was going crazy by his mother's side while she was taken to the hospital.
Anyone might imagine what happened next.
My mother died that night. I had been blamed by my father and brother for her death, but I deserved it. It had been my fault. I have her death as my burden, I have her blood on my hands.
I lived in that house until I finished school and then I left to Tokyo all by myself. I didn't talk to Yuuya since that day. He didn't call me and I didn't try to contact him either. What for? He was probably disappointed in me, or maybe he didn't even care if I was there or not. Who knows?
But I still blame the day I've met him. It's probably just a self-defense feeling. He had nothing to do with all that after all.
In Tokyo I worked in a lot of places before getting hired at the old people institution, but I stayed away from people everywhere I went.
I didn't trust people with my feelings anymore, but I still longed for someone to understand me, to come close to me.
And you're the only one who dared to come closer.
This letter might not explain much, but I realize now, I write it for you, because I want you to come closer even.
I know I'm unreasonable, but I'm lonely even now, and I have no one but you to confess to.
This is a confession letter, because I'm finally able to confess all this to you and to accept my life the way it is.
Ninomiya-san, thank you for always listening to my confessions.
Ohno Satoshi.
Ninomiya looks up from the papers he was reading at the falling pink petals of cherry blossoms. It's that time of the year again.
***
Ohno sits down at his table and looks down at the white envelope with Ninomiya's small, neat characters written on it. He then looks out the open window, when the late spring breeze makes the cherry blossoms flutter around in his mother's garden.
It's so beautiful that it's hard to take his eyes away, but the envelope in his hands brings him back to what he was going to do. So he takes the papers out and starts to read.
Ninomiya's letter
To Ohno Satoshi
A long time ago, there was a small boy who only lived with his mother. They were very poor, and his mother couldn't afford to give him any private classes like his classmates would take, but at school he really liked the piano.
He didn't tell his mother this as to not upset her, but he dreamed to become a pianist someday. He knew it was impossible though.
Until, one day, after school an old man waited for him outside and told him that he was his father. Just like that, no introductions, no anything.
Even though the boy was confused he chose to go with him in his car to show him where he would live if he only chose to do so.
The man's house was big, with a garden and, the most important, it had a piano.
The boy felt that the miracle he hoped someday would come, was that exact moment. He could now fulfill his dream.
After he was given tea and cake, the man told him that he wanted him to come live together, for him to become his heir.
The boy didn't ask why if the man was his father, didn't live together already like the fathers of his classmates. His mother always told him that he had no father, so there were many things that he had wanted to ask about, but he didn't dare.
He was afraid that if he questioned this miracle, his dream would get further away from him again. So he only nodded.
That day he went back home just like nothing had happened and waited for the man to come take him just like he promised.
The man came a few months later with a policeman. He showed his mother some papers and no matter how much his mother cryed and yelled he was taken by the man to his car.
People would say the boy was cold, cruel even to leave his mother in tears begging to give her son back. It may even be true, but he had made his mind that afternoon while eating cake and listening to the man's words.
The man let him take whatever private lessons he wanted, to have whatever hobbies he wanted as long as he was the first in his class.
When he finished high school he also let him do whatever he wanted as long as he entered business university in order to take over his many business activities.
He grew up as an insensitive person with no feelings doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He had any girls or boys he liked and then threw them away. He was seen as a cool, good-looking and most of all rich guy by his so called friends.
He knew everything was fake around him, but it made no difference. He wasn't after true friends or never ending love. What he wanted was to become a famous pianist.
But when his piano teacher told him that his interpretations were lacking feelings, emotions, he started to question his life.
At first, he thought skill was everything he needed to become the best pianist, but it wasn't so, it seemed. At all the competitions he participated he always came in second and always for the same reason.
People didn't want to listen to a robot, people wanted to see an artist, someone with emotions to share with them, but he couldn't, he couldn't share emotions because he was empty, he had nothing to share.
On a moment of weakness, despairing, he went back to his mother's apartment. He found a young woman living there by herself and knew nothing about the previous tenant.
After a few days of looking into his mother's whereabouts he found out she had been hospitalized in a mental illnesses hospital a few years back.
He didn't go to see her, what for? He knew it was his fault his poor mother had ended up like that.
After that, the now young man, gave up on his dream and took over all the dirty jobs his father pushed on him. But even so, he couldn't give up on playing the piano.
He tried to fall in love, to feel something, but to no avail. One can't force love, can't produce love, it has to get born from inside.
Day by day he just fell into his daily routine, he gave up on feelings, on piano, on dreams all together.
He started to fake smiles, to fake feelings and emotions, but he just couldn't fake playing the piano, it wouldn't be the same pretending only to play the piano when he felt empty.
Until one day. A never ending day, a day I was sick of pretending to do my best, to be the perfect son. It was that day, the day I first saw you working earnestly, working like your life depended on it.
Maybe it was like that, or maybe you did only what it was in front of you at the time to forget your pain, your solitude.
I was just imagining your life. I projected my life onto you, and continued to look at you from afar.
Until the day when you were ill and were about to fall down the stairs. You remember? That's when our story begun.
From there on, you might already know what I'm talking about, but I want to confess you something, too.
I fell in love with you. Me, the one who never really loved anyone. So I didn't know it at first, I couldn't recognize the feeling until later.
But do you remember? The night when I invited you to the bar, to see me playing? It was the first time I played from my heart, and I played for you.
The feelings were overwhelming, like nothing I felt before. I know you felt something, too.
Maybe it was an emotion of your own, but that I had caused it, that it was me who inspired you, made me so happy, like I had never been before.
I like to think we saved each other. You gave me back my dream, while I gave you back your inspiration.
Am I presumptious?
After that, I started to hope you loved me back and that we'll live together, but unfortunately things happened, right?
I wanted to confess to you that night after the concert you weren't able to attend. And then, the rest you know.
It's been quite the long story, I know, but thank you. Thank you, for sending me your letter.
Thank you for wanting to reconnect with me, for thinking about me.
Thank you, Satoshi.
Ninomiya Kazunari
***
Ohno could actually see Ninomiya smiling shily while saying that, and it makes him smile shily in turn.
It's the nth time he reads this letter, but it makes him have the same shy smile even now, even though, Ninomiya isn't here to see him.
He's never been, because Ohno can't read it unless he's alone, to remember himself that there is one person in the world that accepts the imperfect him the way he is.
***
It's that time of the year again. The cherry blossoms are fluttering everywhere in his mother's garden and Ohno raises his head from the crumpled papers to admire them.
This image gives him now so much hope for the future, for their future together.
A short ringing brings him out of his reveries.
It's a message, a message that makes him smile wholeheartedly, with no reservations at all.
He's coming back.