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[June 1st, 2011]
Pepper wakes up. For a few seconds, she doesn’t know where she is. Then she feels the warmth of a body besides her. She opens her eyes and perceives a soft blue glow in the darkness. She is used to that glow, but she has never seen it while she is—well, completely naked.
Oh.
The memories of the previous night come back to her, in reverse order. At first she smiles euphorically, happiness filling her mind. She feels complete. She blushes while remembering that first kiss in the rooftop and what came after.
Then, she remembers the previous events. The fight, the danger. Tony being about to die. She can barely contain a shriek. She sits up and checks he is okay. He is sound asleep, the light on his chest is stable and he has a smile on his face. Not his sharp Stark smile, but a soft one, one that she has only seen a few times before, on the rare occasions when he is completely relaxed. It makes him look younger and more innocent. Tears come to Pepper’s eyes as she thinks he has few motives to smile like that. He almost died. Again.
Her mind moves forward again. The rooftop. The kiss. The flight to Tony’s apartment in Manhattan –he suggested flying to Malibu in the Iron Man suit, but she reminded him that he had an appropriate residence in New York, and there was no way she would be carried through the air all the way to Malibu. Tony didn’t argue, not when she kissed him again. And again. And then—
Then they crossed the only line Pepper had promised herself not to cross. Realisation strikes her like a lightning. She has slept with Tony Stark. And now she has to face the consequences.
It’s not that she has anything to fear regarding her job. Yes, it’s true that, should anyone learn of what happened last night, she would have to face many disagreeable comments, but she isn’t afraid of that. She would gladly face that and much more, if that was the cost of being in a relationship with Tony.
The problem is that she knows damn well that Tony Stark doesn’t do relationships.
He has nights, maybe weekends. There was a girl in Paris who lasted a week, but that was because she was a scientist and they worked on a project when they were not having sex. But that was all. Tony doesn’t want more. Most of the girls don’t, either. Tony never gives false hopes, but from time to time some girl thinks she can have more. On these occasions, it is Pepper’s task to make things clear and walk them to the door. Tony always leaves before the girl wakes up.
Pepper has learned not to be judgemental about this. Both Tony and the girls are perfectly grown up –well, she has her doubts with Tony sometimes—, and they can do whatever they want with their lives. But long ago, when she started to understand that she felt something for Tony that went way beyond just friendship, she promised herself that she would never be one of those girls who had to be kicked up the next morning.
And now, she is.
She doesn’t make a fuss. Tony is still asleep, probably exhausted from the fight against Vanko and his robots, and she doesn’t want to wake him up. In fact, it will be easier this way. She doesn’t think she could look him in the eye right now. She just wants to leave as quickly as possible.
She gets up and looks for her clothes. Tony’s shirt is right before her, on the floor. For an instant, she allows herself to imagine the simple joy of carelessly putting it on and staying, sharing a breakfast with him, maybe having a shower together…
No. She shakes her head. What would happen next? What else can she expect from Tony Stark? Romantic dates? Movies on the couch? Long chats with wine and candle-light? She knows how things with Tony work, she has known all this time and she knew last night, although she tried to ignore it. Tony has never wanted this kind of thing, and that’s fine –or would be, if Pepper wasn’t so foolish as to wish him to want it with her. But that’s stupid. Tony Stark likes freedom, and she should get dressed and get over it. That’s all.
She finally manages to find all her clothes without turning on the light. She puts them on as quietly as she can and leaves the room. She can’t help a last, longing look to Tony’s asleep figure, but she closes her eyes and the door and she leaves the apartment without looking back. Only when she pushes the elevator button and it glows with a blue light, she starts to cry.
Tony feels her movement even before waking up. She is right next to him. Slowly, he disentangles reality from dreams. He’s awake and Pepper is here. And somehow, he feels that everything is like it should be. He pretends to be still asleep, enjoying this strange calm. Life has taught him that calm never lasts long, but maybe this time will be the exception. Pepper is always the exception for everything.
He fantasizes with the idea of waiting for her to fall asleep again so he can sneak into the kitchen and make her breakfast. He bets he can make pancakes, and they can have straw—no, wait, no strawberries. He’s learned his lesson. Chocolate. Chocolate will be okay.
She’s moving. She’s getting up. Well, the surprise breakfast may not be an option today, but they can still—
She’s getting dressed. Why is she getting dressed? She’s not leaving, is she? But of course she is. Why wouldn’t she? Why would she want to stay? After all he has done, all she has had to go through for him, it’s a miracle that she still works for him. But being with him? He has repeatedly proven himself a mess in every possible way. The idea of all the things Pepper has had to stand for him suddenly makes his face go red. Tony could do anything, renounce to everything to make her happy, but he cannot ask her to ignore all that she has seen of him before, because how could she?
The thought is simple: Pepper Potts deserves better. But as she closes the door of the room, the idea of letting her go without a word becomes just too devastating.
He has to know that, at least, she won’t quit her job. He wants to know that he is not losing her forever. He needs to know that she will still be his best friend. So he gets up and puts on his trousers as fast as he can.
He cracks the door open and sees Pepper waiting for the elevator. Her beautiful blue eyes are tearful, and suddenly everything else becomes less important. Forgetting his doubts and his shame for a second, he approaches her.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
She looks at him and for a moment he is sure that she is going to just walk away from him. After an awful instant, however, she sighs and dries her tears.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “Everything is fine. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I’m sorry,” she repeats. She is speaking very fast, as if she wanted to finish as soon as possible in order to leave. But Tony cannot let her go like that, not when her eyes are still wet, not without knowing that she is all right.
“You haven’t answered my question. What’s wrong? Why were you crying?”
Pepper looks down.
“It’s nothing, really. Just a stupid thought.” She waves her hand in the air as if to push away the topic, but Tony doesn’t give in.
“Do you want to tell me? I have lots of stupid thoughts every day,” he tries to joke.
“I’d rather not, Tony, Really.” She looks away. “Sorry.”
The elevator arrives, and she looks so relieved it hurts. Tony knows he should say something appropriate and pretend that things are normal. In different circumstances, Pepper would be at his side, telling him what to say. But she is about to leave, and to hell with social conventions, Tony needs to know if she is leaving for good.
“Will I see you tomorrow at SI?”
Pepper hesitates. She isn’t sure that she can keep seeing Tony every day and pretend nothing happened. And yet, not seeing him again seems even more painful. She silently curses herself for wanting more than she could have. Things were perfect as they were.
Her life used to be so much easier two days ago.
“I don’t really know,” she finally answers. “I– I need to think.”
Her words confirm Tony’s fears. The possibility of not seeing her again becomes so real that it is almost a physical pain.
“It’s okay,” he lies. It’s not okay. Not at all.
He has too many things to say, and he is running out of time. But one thing is more important than the rest.
“Pepper?” he calls.
“Yes?”
“Forgive me.”
His words surprise her, he can see it although she tries to keep her face inexpressive.
“For what?” she asks.
Tony doesn’t usually apologise, not unless he has a good reason. But there is. A damn good reason, right in front of him.
“For everything. Everything you’ve gone through because of me. For all the times you’ve had my back facing the press because I was too drunk to speak. For all the parties where you had to handle me and my guests. For the calls in the middle of the night. Oh, yeah, and for putting your life at risk in Monaco. And last night. And… well, I’m sorry for being an asshole.”
“Tony, you don’t have to—“
“Yes I do. Because you have every reason for not wanting to see me anymore, but I don’t want to lose you, Pepper. So, please, please tell me that I will see you again. Tell me we can still be friends.”
Ever since Pepper has known Tony Stark, he has worn a mask. She has learned to see the real Tony behind, but he has only taken it off once, when he told her that she was all he had. He put his life on her hands then. Now, he has put his soul. Once again, he has taken off his mask completely, just for her.
Her thoughts are racing. She thought she knew what was on Tony’s mind, but she never realised how much he really cares. It fills her with a sudden urge to hug him, but she forces herself not to. What Tony wants is an answer, and, after he’s bared his soul for her, she knows he owes him the same.
“Thank you,” she says simply. He looks at her, clearly confused, and she tries to explain. “I was so scared that this would ruin—everything. But I shouldn’t have doubted your friendship. I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t. Don’t apologise. Your doubts were deserved. I just—when I heard you leaving—God, I can’t believe you don’t hate me,” he mutters, rubbing the nape of his neck.
The relief in his voice brings tears to Pepper’s eyes.
“Oh, Tony. How could I hate you?” She makes a pause, trying to stop her voice from trembling. “I—I didn’ want to leave. That’s the problem.” Her voice breaks. “It’s stupid, right? All those times I was the one kicking some girl out of the house in the mornings, and now I’m the one who doesn’t want to leave. But it’s okay, really” she adds quickly, before he has time to run away. “I just need some time, and then I’ll be back at SI—if you still want me to.”
Tony doesn’t react, and Pepper feels her face hot with embarrassment. She silently curses herself for speaking. Being in love with Tony is allowed; telling him isn’t. Why can’t she stop ruining everything? Now he will run away as he always does. She tries to tell herself maybe it’s for the best, but even in his mind it sounds fake.
Pepper’s words hit him like a blast, and it takes him some time to understand their true meaning. He suddenly imagines her waking up and thinking that she has to go; getting dressed and leaving like a thief because she thinks he doesn't want her there. He has known rejection before –he knows how it feels. And he hates himself for making Pepper feel it. For a second, he can only think of kissing her, burying his hands on her hair and drying her tears, but he doesn’t feel he has the right to.
«This time is different,» he wishes to say, but the words die on his lips. More than ever, he knows that he doesn't deserve her.
But she is still in front of him, looking down to the floor, two steps away from the elevator. And if he doesn’t say anything, he will never forgive himself.
“I didn’t want you to leave” he blurts out. “I don’t want you to leave.”
Pepper rises her head slowly and Tony feels her eyes fixed on him, searching for the truth. He forces himself to look back at her and not run away. “Look, I never thought that last night would happen for real, so I haven’t prepared for this.” Whoa, has he just said that? Well, he can hardly make things worse now, right? “What I’m trying to say is, I know I have to figure out a lot of things, but there is one thing I know for sure: when I kissed you yesterday on that rooftop, I wasn’t just celebrating that we were alive. I did it because I had been wanting to do it for a long time. And I don’t regret it. But I understand if you do. Hell, that would be the only sensible outcome, but— never mind. Point is, I know I have no right to ask you to stay, but... I needed you to know.”
For an instant, all is silence. The elevator door closes, but Pepper doesn’t hear it. All she can think of is Tony.
She has spent a lot of time telling herself that being in love with Tony Stark was a mistake. Even last night, a small part of her mind kept repeating that it wasn’t a good idea, fearing that she would end up heartbroken. But Tony’s words are proof enough for her. For the first time, she’s convinced that loving him is safe.
The problem is she has to convince him too.
He almost flinches when she presses her lips to his. His eyes widen in disbelief for a second, but she doesn’t let go. At last, he responds, and for a long moment there is nothing to think about. Just each other.
She wishes it could last forever, but there are things that need to be said. Still pressed against him, she tilts back her head to look him in the eye.
“I want to stay,” she whispers. “For as long as you want me to.”
Tony’s rich, dark eyes shine with bewilderment.
“You mean you want us to be together?” He asks slowly. She nods. “As in a committed relationship? With me?”
Pepper smiles through her tears.
“Yes, Tony. With you.”
“But I thought… God, Pep, after all you’ve seen of me, why on earth would you want to be with me?”
There is real shame in his face, and it pains Pepper to know that he really thinks he doesn’t deserve her. She promises herself that she will make him understand that he is better than he thinks. But it will take time, and right now there is only one explanation that matters.
“Because I love you.”
There is no doubt in Pepper’s voice, and Tony understands that, somehow, she means it. He doesn’t need to search for the right words this time; he knows them.
“I love you, too,” he whispers, resting his forehead on hers. It feels like coming home after a long journey. It feels safe.
They watch the elevator leave empty and then Tony holds the door of the apartment.
“Breakfast in bed?” he suggests.
“I’m not in bed,” Pepper laughs. “I’m already dressed!”
Tony smiles; his eyes are shiny.
“We can fix that,” he promises. “We can fix everything.”