Chapter Text
Min Yoongi does not have tone deaf friends.
After four years of audio engineering, one year at a shitty radio broadcasting internship, and five years at his current label, Yoongi's been surrounded by individuals who live, breathe, and consume music as if it's their daily coke fix to get through the day, which explains why he doesn't come across people who couldn't carry a tune all that often.
He knows how pitch perfect Jimin sounds like, even with his bathroom rendition of 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody', voice slightly muffled by the shower (with water he insists on making as hot as where he came from). Taehyung isn't much different, his deep baritone almost ringing in Yoongi's ears even after wasted nights at noraebangs and drunk company christmas parties. It was amazing to Yoongi, how smooth Taehyung's falsetto stayed as he downed four straight shots of tequila and busted out the IU, (Yoongi, to this day, cannot believe he was ever attracted to that).
Which is why Yoongi, even when he had only one eye open and he struggled to get the gunk out from the other, knows that the idiot (barely) singing on the other side of his apartment door at three fucking am was not from his group of friends.
The raven-haired man stumbled slightly as his foot got caught in his sheets, angrily resorting to kneeling on his bed as he grumbled out hoarse variations of 'what the fuck is going on' and ''m so fucking tired'. The person continued to loudly belt out the lyrics of is he, is he singing elton fucking john? an English song Yoongi could barely make out at ass o'clock in the morning and proceeded to bang his fists on his hardwood door.
Yoongi had only been asleep for not more than two hours when he heard sounds at the far end of his room, in the hallway presumably since he left the door to his room open after swinging it carelessly and dropping on the bed. He was planning to sleep away his frustrations on this cavity-inducing boy group track the company's been hounding him for weeks to work his magic on, only to have a probably drunk fuck banging on his door, singing a terribly off-key version of what he thinks is supposed to be a serenade.
Once in his college years, despite being an emo music major who thought wearing nothing but plaid and ripped jeans all the time would make him look cool, (You're literally the twinkiest person I have ever met, hyung. What the fuck are you talking about? Jimin said once, while eating a spoonful of yogurt), he had wanted a musician boyfriend who would write him sad indie songs and would serenade him naked with a guitar after morning sex (That is an awfully specific daydream, hyung. Taehyung added.).
However, this man's performance (Yoongi thinks it can be considered one, with all the muffled dialogue and more whining than actual lyrics), was nothing close to his adolescent twink fantasies.
Yoongi slid out of his room cautiously, and stared at his apartment door warily before grabbing one of his awards placed on a cabinet near his bathroom. The raven-haired man held onto the metal tightly as he approached and tried his best to make out what the other was saying on the opposite side.
Who the hell is this asshole? Yoongi briefly recounts all of his partners despite his sleep-riddled mind and tried to recall if his most recent one (a drunk blowjob at an after-party) had been stupid enough to try to serenade him before he's even functioning. How would he even get inside the building if it was him? Yoongi thought. He had only cleared (been forced to clear) three idiots onto his visitors list and none of them were bold enough to wake him up or even nudge him from a nap.
"Jin, baby. Jinie, opn' up, please." The man in question begged as he continuously pounded on the door. Yoongi strained his ears to really understand what the other was saying, but he's pretty positive the other didn't say his name.
Yoongi, finally awake, yelled out. "There's no one named Jin here. Go away or I'm calling the police."
He only heard what sounded suspiciously like stomping on his old cartoon cat doormat.
"Open up, Jinie. 'Jus wanna talk." Yoongi scoffed at the lie. The man wasn't just talking, he was coughing a lung out from trying to sing an Elton John song.
"Don't you-" Another strange sound, a slow drag against his door. "Don't you wanna-" Another round of knocks. "-wanna hear wham, wham 'bout to say?"
"Monie-" A hiccup, "Monie misses you, y'know?" Two slow knocks. "'M miss you too. We both do."
"I don't fucking know a Monie, now go away. Go home, asshole. You're drunk."
Another squeaky sound, as if someone was sitting on the tiled floor and moving over and over. "M' not drunk." The voice said petulantly, "D'you, d'you hear our song?" The man added, switching immediately from irritated to eager.
"Sang it for you." He seems to have forgotten that he was trying to convince Yoongi to open his door, continuing the conversation. "I-I know it din't, din't sound right."
Yoongi didn't reply, but it seems as if the other person didn't need him to. "M' sorry, you-" His voice sounded more subdued, a bit watery. "'you sing it better 'nways."
Yoongi, despite his annoyance, felt a bit sad for the sap on the opposite side of the door. He could feel himself slowly lowering down his makeshift weapon, realizing that the man on the other side was more of a threat to himself than to Yoongi.
He sighed as he stood in front of the door, a few inches away from it to hear the other better. For what seemed like minutes, it quieted down to a muted hum. Yoongi would have been convinced that the stranger left if he didn't hear what sounds a lot like loud, muffled snoring from the other side.
Yoongi rapped quickly on the wood. "Hey, hey you fucker. Are you sleeping on my doorstep?"
A loud bang from the opposite side. "'Whad, whad ya mean? M' not, I swear."
"I heard you snoring."
"'Wass not."
Great, Yoongi thinks. All he wanted was a simple, quick nap before he inevitably spiraled into a destructive cycle of working and forgetting his basic needs, and now he was having a childish conversation with a drunk stranger at his doorstep.
A tired knock. "'Pen up, please."
"I told you no, kid. Leave. I wasn't kidding about the police."
Yoongi heard shuffling, and the shadow from the other side continued to move. His door shook as the other person presumably leaned his whole body on the wood. "M' gonna-" he slurred. "'we haf another song, 's a good one. 'lways sang it for me."
One look at the clock told Yoongi it was close to three thirty in the morning and he's been indulging a complete drunk idiot for half an hour now, and Yoongi did not need another meeting with the tenants organization about noise complaints. Yoongi really liked this place. He didn't want to get brushed off at this year's pre-Chuseok party (even if he wasn't attending, it felt nice to be invited) because of a stranger who's decided Yoongi's doorstep was a free noraebang.
"No, no more songs. I'm," Yoongi sighed. This was so stupid. "I'm gonna open up, and you're gonna tell me your address. I'm gonna book a ride for you."
Yoongi takes the grumbled response as an affirmative, and he hesitantly grabbed onto the door handle.
He was not at all equipped for the large slab of oh my god is this dude a wall man that quite literally landed on him, forcing Yoongi to tumble down onto his living room floor with a resounding bang. Yoongi's cheek was squished in the middle of the stranger's chest as he struggled under him.
Yoongi could feel the other's nose nuzzle against the top of his head before completely lowering his chin, further caging the raven-haired man underneath him. "Get the fuck off me!" He yelled out, but the man remained unresponsive.
The one time I try to be nice, Yoongi thought as he struggled to raise his arms and shoved the man off of him, rolling him to the other side of the floor. He held onto his chest in relief as he exhaled, heart beating too fast for something outside of running and sex.
Yoongi whipped his head to the side and saw that the man was indeed passed out, mouth slightly open as he laid down on his back at the other's living room floor. He reeked of alcohol, some ill-advised mix of what Yoongi thinks is a drunk ticket to hell, and his name-brand shirt was stained with what looked like whisky to the raven-haired man.
Yoongi nudged him with his foot as he stood up, hovering above the stranger. "Hey, wake up." He poked him with a toe on his calf. "Wake the fuck up, you need to go home."
The raven-haired man leaned down to shake the other awake. "Come on, wake up." He continued to grab his shoulders even when the stranger let out a soft snore. "No, hell no. You are not-" Okay, so he's snoring for real now. Yoongi groaned out loud.
I should have just been murdered or something, Yoongi thinks as he stares down at the awkward lying position the stranger had landed in. He could vaguely hear three annoying morons laughing at him in the near future, Taehyung's sneaky little 'You should take him to bed, hyung' haunting him even if he wasn't in the apartment.
Yoongi petulantly told the Taehyung to shut the fuck up and glared at the Jimin and Jungkook in his head as he stomped into his bedroom. He proceeded to tell them not to utter a single word as he slid a pillow under the stranger's head and placed a thick, dark blue duvet over his body.
The raven-haired man could imagine their barely-hidden giggles and snickers and he flips them off. Yoongi breathed out in satisfaction as he watched the man curl up and turn to his side. He was almost smothered to death by this freakishly tall stranger, so he doesn't think he can carry him all the way to the couch.
He really should have been more alarmed by the fact that a stranger (who could body-slam him to the ground, apparently) was inside of his home, drunk out of his mind. But Yoongi thinks that, a person who would belt out an Elton John love song and has a friend named Monie would not be of any danger to anyone in the near future. The stranger reminded Yoongi more of a child, overgrown and infinitely heavy as he may be.
Similar to almost all of Yoongi's problems, he took one look at the snoring figure in his living room and decided that he would deal with it after sleeping.