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Hyunjin looks at the petals in his hands, yellow carnations, the sign of rejection, how typical. He can't help but let out a scoff as his mind wanders back to Seo Changbin, his best friend who he had been in love with for a few years. He had been coughing up petals for so long but lately, it's been severe and the feeling of dread upon realization of what that meant makes his heart sink. Changbin had found someone who he loved and what he feels towards the elder was unrequited.
When Hyunjin first met Changbin, he was enamored by the older's mysterious get up and after knowing the elder, he fell for his soft and caring side. Hyunjin was always an affectionate person and Changbin is always there for him, whether to talk or simply cuddling. He coughed up Gloxinia on the first few months of their meeting but it happens rarely. Hyunjin got into the language of flowers when he first knew that he had hanahaki, wanting to know what and/or why his lungs were filling up with petals and roots growing in his respiratory system. Gloxinia means love at first sight, which Hyunjin finds absolutely fitting for his story with Changbin. Hanahaki can be prevented if his feelings are requited and Hyunjin always held on that slight hope of the older loving him back.
Hyunjin let out a small chuckle at the thought, how was he so confident that Changbin would love him back? The older was always saying that he was thankful that Hyunjin is like a younger brother to him but Hyunjin was always sure that he could change that. But sitting on the toilet seat in one of the toilet cubicles while having petals with blood in his hands, Hyunjin can't help but feel pathetic. There was no way that his best friend was going to love him back, now that the older has found someone who he loves. As much as it hurts, he just hopes that whoever is at the other end of Changbin's love, they'd love him because Hyunjin doesn't want him to go through the same pain that he's going through.
The silence was broken when his phone rang. It was Changbin. Of course, it's Changbin, Hyunjin had run halfway through Changbin's rant on how cute the barista at Young Wings is and Hyunjin had tuned him out before the feeling of vomiting overpowers him. Hyunjin didn't have the heart to answer him but he didn't want Changbin to think that he's a jackass for leaving him. With a sigh, he picks up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hyunjin! Thank god you answered. What happened? Why did you run? You were so pale back then." Hyunjin can't help but frown at Changbin's statement, so much for wanting to be slick about this.
"It's nothing! I was just feeling kinda sick. Sorry about that," Hyunjin replies, giggling a little. After a few years of subtle pinning and hiding his feelings, Hyunjin managed to master the art of fake smiling and giggling. Jeongin has given up on helping him at this point but there was nothing that Hyunjin can do. He loves Changbin too much to let go.
"Oh, make sure to get some rest. I need to go to the studio, Chan Hyung and Jisung want to finish some work." Hyunjin can't help but let out a single drop of tear, Changbin always takes care of him but not in the way he wants. Never in the way he hopes for.
"Okay hyung! Have fun," After he ends the call, he searched up his most recent contact.
"Jeongin, can you help me?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hyunjin knew that Jeongin is tired of seeing Hyunjin swallow in self-pity and that he was worried about Hyunjin's health but Hyunjin had ruled out surgery a long time ago. Hyunjin knew he'd rather die than forget about Changbin. Having Jeongin by his side at times like these calms him down but at the same time, it makes him feel bad because Jeongin was basically watching his friend dying. As they watch a walk to remember, a movie that Hyunjin seems to be fond of no matter the quality of the film (it was made in 2001, let's be real) or the stereotype of bad boy and good girl, Hyunjin feels like he relates with the main character so much.
But the difference is, they actually manage to fall in love even when she's dying, Hyunjin thought bitterly to himself. He could feel Jeongin's eyes on him as the heroin says that he has cancer and he can't help but pretend he didn't notice Jeongin's not so subtle worried glance.
"I don't know why you're being stubborn." Jeongin's voice broke the silence as Hyunjin switch off the tv when the credits roll in.
"What do you mean?"
"You can do the surgery. Why don't you do it? It's better than being in pain."
"Jeongin, listen to me. I don't want to do the surgery because I love him. Am I in pain? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. Why? Because I am able to find someone to love and I want to love him with all my heart and it doesn't matter if by the end of all this I'm going to die and you know why? Because I'm able to die loving rather than not knowing."
That night, for the first time in years, the two boys fell asleep in different beds but both of them have puffed up eyes when they wake up.
'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hyunjin!!!!!" Changbin's cheery voice makes Hyunjin let out a slight laugh. The older must be very excited since he literally radiates happiness from just a phone call.
"What is it?"
"I found out his name!" Hyunjin was confused. Did he miss something? Who was Changbin looking for?
"Who's name?" If Hyunjin wasn't genuinely confused, he would've laughed at how exasperated reaction.
"The Barista Boy!" Oh, the pit of dread was coming back. "His name is Felix." Hyunjin couldn't help but feel jealous of how soft Changbin was saying the barista's name. It sounds as if the boy was extremely precious and Hyunjin couldn't calm down the jealousy burning inside of him.
"That's great hyung! I'm sorry but I really gotta go." Hyunjin hyung up without listening to Changbin, mostly because he feels like chocking from the petals in his throat.
Yellow Rose. Jealousy. How pathetic was he to be jealous over someone who wasn't his, to begin with? This time, Hyunjin just let his tear fall freely. Hyunjin is tired of pretending. But he would never get tired of loving Seo Changbin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Changbin and Felix became closer, Hyunjin knew that because Changbin won't stop texting him over how cute Felix is and how Felix's freckles resemble the galaxy. At this point, Hyunjin had stopped meeting Changbin, saying that he was busy with school projects and only respond to him by text because it hurts less when he can't hear the gentle tone is Changbin's voice when he talks about Felix.
Hyunjin's health had decreased significantly and he was in no shape of going out. Jeongin visits him regularly, bringing him food and tending him. Hyunjin felt like he was a burden for the younger but the younger told him that it's the least he could do. Hyunjin knew that Jeongin wanted him to do the surgery but he doesn't want to forget. He wants to remember Changbin and how he felt loving him, even when it hurts. Hyunjin knew he had two weeks tops and he wished that he wasn't this weak so he could see all his friend for the last time. To see Changbin for the last time.
"Hwang Hyunjin You Idiot !!!!" Changbin's loud voice resonates through Hyunjin's small apartment and Hyunjin was both happy and scared to hear him. Why was he here in the first place?
"Changbin Hyung? Why are you here? You're not supposed to be here." his voice was weak and slow, mostly because he didn't have much energy to put up a fight. He coughed out Purple Hyacinth when he heard Changbin's voice, it meant sorrow.
"What do you mean why? My best friend is dying and he's dumb enough to hide it from me." His voice was hard but the concern was clear in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me? Why don't you want to do the surgery?"
"I didn't want to lose you." Hyunjin was sobbing at this point. Changbin's tough demeanor also crumbled in sadness as his tears welled up. "You would never lose me. So please Hyunjin, do the surgery for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Changbin knew he promised Hyunjin that he'd never lose him but staying away was the best option. Especially since the boy couldn't remember Changbin after the surgery. Changbin had kept his distance with his former best friend, mostly out of concern when he heard about people falling in love again with the same person who caused them hanahaki. Changbin was too in love with Felix to consider falling for Hyunjin and he knew that he'd be able to be friends with Hyunjin again one day after Hyunjin was able to fall in love with someone else. That's why Changbin avoided Hyunjin at all cost even when his friends were against it at first.
A year had passed since the surgery and Changbin occasionally hears about Hyunjin from his friends because he still cares but he held on the promise he made to himself. He knew he needs to fulfill his promise to Hyunjin but the time was still wasn't right. Felix and Changbin have been going strong despite everything and Felix had been nothing but supportive of his decisions. The younger saying that Changbin is doing what he thinks is best for everyone and there is no reason to be against anything.
Changbin made his way to Young Wings, wanting to visit his boyfriend because thinking about Hyunjin makes him sad and Felix seems to make everything better. When he arrives at the cafe, Seungmin was at the counter and Changbin lets out a small smile on his face. He has a knack on teasing the younger and both of them enjoy annoying one another. Before he manages to reach the counter, a familiar figure bumps into him. Changbin's eyes widen at the sight of Hyunjin, at first, it was because the younger had bumped into him but what surprised him more is the fact that Hyunjin was being a blushing mess in front of Seungmin when the puppy like boy smiled at him. Changbin managed to hear something about Seungmin's shift ending in five minutes and figures that maybe it's time for him to get his best friend back. Despite Seungmin making yet another snarky comment about his height, he gave the younger extra tips. Ignoring Seungmin's confused face when he thanked him, Changbin went to find Felix taking a break while talking with Minho, Jisung's not so official boyfriend ("we're NOT dating," Jisung once told him and Chan after Chan asked him for advice on how to ask Woojin out. Changbin didn't seem to be a good option for Chan since he asked Felix out by using a pun.) Suddenly, everything was right again.