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“Hey, Xiao- Jia Yi.” Jia Yi pauses his rather unsuccessful attempt at teaching Chaoyuan how to transition from his first line to his second, thankful for the distraction. He was about to go crazy any minute now, from lack of sleep, lack of food, the lack of Chaoyuan’s improvement in the past three days.
He looks in the direction of the voice and finds Lin Mo standing half-in and half-out of the doorway of the practice room. A feeling of surprise overcomes him, too quickly for him to suppress it, and he knows Lin Mo notices when his expression shifts slightly.
To anyone else, Lin Mo might seem hesitant, but after knowing each other very well for three years, Jia Yi can see the unusual stiffness in Lin Mo’s posture and the slight tightness in his pursed lips. He doesn’t remember the last time Lin Mo looked so… cold, especially towards him. He feels slightly concerned. And a bit nervous, if he was being completely honest.
“I want to talk to you. Can you…?” Lin Mo doesn’t wait for Jia Yi to reply before he speaks again, motioning for Jia Yi to leave the room with him.
Jia Yi looks at Wenhan. Wenhan shrugs. Jia Yi shrugs. Wenhan makes a face. Jia Yi makes a face. Wenhan rolls his eyes and gives Jia Yi the go-ahead, so Jia Yi stands up and follows Lin Mo outside.
“What’s up, Momo?” Jia Yi asks as Lin Mo drags him through the hallways. Jia Yi muses vaguely about how he actually hasn’t felt the effect of the first eliminations, aside from the fact that he misses A-Key and Jin Fan sometimes.
Lin Mo doesn't reply and leads them into an empty practice room instead, feeling along the wall until he finds the light switch. He turns it on, closes the door, and faces Jia Yi.
There are a few seconds of silence in which they simply study each other’s faces. Jia Yi can’t remember the last time he really looked at Lin Mo, but he can tell Lin Mo looks thinner and more tired. Jia Yi thinks that’s probably what Lin Mo sees in him too, and what everyone sees in everyone else.
“You’ve lost weight.” Lin Mo is softer now, his eyes curving slightly but unsmiling. Jia Yi wants to pull him into his arms and squish his cheeks and bury his head into his neck and pepper his face with light kisses and act cute until he gets a laugh out of Lin Mo; he wants to tell him to stop squinting because it irritates his eyes and he'll have to use his eyedrops later like he always used to, but his body doesn't move and the words don’t come out.
He swallows instead and asks, “What did you want?”
Lin Mo hesitates. “Don’t get mad at me for what I’m about to say, Xiao Xin. I’ve been thinking about it for some time.”
Jia Yi raises an eyebrow. “Okay,” he says, a noncommittal agreement.
“I think you’re being too hasty. Changxi does too, if that adds any weight.” Jia Yi raises his eyebrow further. “This… friendship with Wenhan. I know you’re not dumb, Jiaxin, I know we both know that it’s the show pushing you into popularity. Yes, it’s working, but I’m worried about you becoming too popular too quickly. I’m not opposed to it entirely; I just think that you should think it through well before going ahead with this plan instead of plunging into it head on. This isn’t a game, Jiaxin. You need to weigh the sacrifices you have to make with the outcome to determine if it’s worth it before you jump right into it.”
Jia Yi doesn’t get it. “What’s wrong with me becoming popular?”
Lin Mo bites his lips and looks at Jia Yi earnestly. His eyes are wide, wider than Jia Yi’s ever seen. “There’s nothing wrong, Jiaxin, but don’t you feel like it’s all happening too quickly? Don’t pretend like you don’t know about the negativity you’re getting because of this. Harsher consequences may come later, and I don’t want you to be hurt when that time comes.”
Annoyance bubbles inside Jia Yi at Lin Mo’s words. He rubs his temples. “What is this, Lin Mo? I’m already 20 years old. I can make decisions on my own for myself perfectly well, and deal with whatever ‘consequences’ that might come my way. We’ve already talked with the directors about the specifics of the plan, and I think there are no problems.”
Lin Mo’s brows scrunch up. “Who’s we?”
“Wenhan and I.” Jia Yi feels a headache coming on. He doesn’t know why Lin Mo is prying so much. This is really not a good time to be having this conversation. He closes his eyes.
“But are you two just going to trust what they say?” Jia Yi can’t see Lin Mo with his eyes closed, of course, but he can imagine the urgency on Lin Mo’s face through his tone.
Jia Yi opens his eyes and winces when the light hits his eyeballs. “Yes, Lin Mo,” he says, a bit exasperatedly. “Wenhan has experience, and I trust him.”
“You trust him, huh.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Jia Yi is trying to not be mad, he really is, but Lin Mo is making it so hard.
“I don’t know, Jiaxin, but I really, really think you should slow down because it’s happening too quickly.”
“You keep saying that. I, however, do not think that there is anything wrong with it.” Jia Yi is done with this conversation. He doesn’t know why Lin Mo is acting like such a helicopter parent and being so pessimistic. Things are finally going right once in Jia Yi’s life, but Lin Mo couldn’t even congratulate him or at least seem the least bit happy that he’s getting noticed by more fans and maybe finally making it out of WeChat’s stupid Moments.
“Is this you becoming jealous of me being more popular than you are, Lin Mo? I don’t know why I should even be listening to anything you’re saying. After all, taking it slow hasn’t worked very well for you now, has it?” Jia Yi goes on.
He meant it as a joke, kind of, maybe, but it doesn’t sound the slightest bit like a joke, even to his own ears. It sounds cold, hard, and a lot like going down a path of destruction that he cannot turn back from. He knows he’s hit Lin Mo where it hurts the most.
Fuck it, Jia Yi thinks. There's no going back now.
Lin Mo, who seems like was about to saying something before Jia Yi let loose, looked at Jia Yi with pure shock in his eyes. His stupid big, wide, pretty eyes. Jia Yi doesn’t know if Lin Mo’s going to cry but he doesn’t want to see Lin Mo cry because of him, so he looks away and stares out the window instead, his jaw set. “You just said a lot of things, so I’ll take over now. You can rest for a bit while you listen to me, and listen to me well.”
“I know I used to be not as good as you, Lin Mo, but I’ve grown up. You can’t say you don’t see my improvements and the hard work I’ve put in for these improvements. Maybe I’m not good enough to become this popular yet, but I would be a true idiot if I gave up this opportunity. We all have the same dream and you can’t say you’d do any differently than I did if you were in my position-”
“I would, Jiaxin. I would not just go and act like I no longer know the people who have been my friends for three plus years. You ditched Changxi for Wenhan during group battles, Jiaxin. Do you still care about him? About TyGer? Do you even remember when you said your biggest dream was for the five of us to debut together?”
Lin Mo has never raised his voice at Jia Yi like this before, and Jia Yi is taken aback. But if this is how Lin Mo wants to play, then Jia Yi can play too.
“So this is really about how you feel, isn’t it? Are you really doing this out of concern for me, or are you doing this with what’s best for yourself in mind? I know you haven’t made many popular or even good friends since coming here Lin Mo, but that is really your problem. It’s not of my concern, and it will never be. I made friends - Wenhan and I do not lie when we say we are good friends - but Wenhan is not the only friend I’ve made. Connections are not unimportant, and they can bring you to the top if you make the right ones. Maybe it’s time you learned how to socialize with people and make new friends and make yourself shine with them instead of sticking next to the unpopular ones and weighing yourself down.”
Jia Yi pauses to catch his breath. His inhale shudders, but he pushes on. If his friendship with Lin Mo was a boat, he can see his hand reaching out to snap the last wooden board keeping it afloat.
“Honestly, Lin Mo, I thought you were going to ask about how I’ve been doing these days when you called me out. But this,” Jia Yi gestures wildly with his hands, “this is what you decided to talk about instead. If you say I don’t care about you anymore, then you no longer care about me either.”
When Jia Yi finally musters up the courage to peek at Lin Mo again after a prolonged period of silence, he finds himself meeting Lin Mo’s gaze dead on. It holds him in place and he can’t move, can’t breathe.
“Fine, Jia Yi. Do what you want. It’s your life. I won’t interfere anymore.” Lin Mo’s tone is cold, so cold. A part Jia Yi wants to throw himself at Lin Mo and cry and apologize for what he said and beg Lin Mo to forgive him, to take him back, to love him, to hold him like he was the only thing that matters in the world again. But Jia Yi has grown up now, so he stands there and watches Lin Mo leave instead, all the ties between them seem to be severed completely by the heavy fall of the door as it shuts.