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The cool afternoon breeze flirted along the tip of her nose. Igniting a sputtering of memories to play out behind Adore's closed eyelids. She pulled herself out of them though, content to just feel herself in the moment. Nothing else needed to be thought about; nothing else mattered. The grass along her back and the faint smell of citrus was enough. She ran her fingers through said grass, tracing swirls and the names of all the people she had ever loved, reveling in the way the smell was amplified. The receding sunlight felt like a smattering of warm kisses along her skin that were slowly fading into what felt like cool touches of fingertips.
Bianca sat back, watching all this take place, completely and utterly mesmerized by the sight before her. Adore was laying in the grass, running her fingers in between each blade, words forming on her lips. She looked positively crazy, but in a way that only Adore could make seem beautiful. Bianca loved these moments when she got to see Adore just be. It hardly ever happened anymore. The world had been knocking her down recently, and the marijuana hadn’t helped much. But Bianca’s prudish attitude aside, Adore had been more forlorn these past few months. Cancelling performances at the last minute, hardly writing songs, and generally being out of reach. She supposes it fits with the season. Fall had always been a hard time for Adore, and Bianca had tried to be there for her, but she was busy.
Adore glanced up at Bianca, lost in her own head again, she silently admonished the older queen for thinking too much again. Adore took her hand away from the earth and placed it on Bianca’s, slightly startling her. But the shock quickly vanished with a small smile. The kind that was reserved for Adore and Adore only.
“Whacha thinkin bout?”
“Nothing much.”
“Liar.”
Bianca laughed mirthlessly. “Well you were always the only one I couldn’t lie to, kid.”
They let the air fill with a tense silence. But it dissipated just as quickly as it had appeared, and they were back to just themselves, not Adore, not Danny, not Bianca, just them. And they were comfortable.
But fall weather isn’t known for its comfort, and before long the sun said its goodnight, and the world turned cold. Adore had inched closer to Bianca as the sun fell, till she was practically melded to the older queen’s side, seeking warmth. Bianca just smiled as the younger queen shuddered with the coming wind.
“Alright, up we get.” Bianca spoke.
“Noooooooo. You’re warm.” Adore whined.
Bianca stood up quickly, dislodging her friend. Adore looked up at her bewildered and offended.
“Ok, old man.”
Bianca waited, not too patiently, for Adore to make her way to the car, honking every now and again. The two glared at each other, then broke out into giggles. They laughed and laughed until they ran out of air.
“How’s it that you always make me feel young?”
Bianca hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but fuck it, Adore knew how she felt.
There was an abrupt silence. It was so startling that Bianca looked over to Adore, who was staring back at her, unblinking.
Adore moved so quickly, but it felt like it took years for Adore’s hands to finally reach her face. Their lips pressed together forever, and for no time at all.
Bianca pushed Adore away, but she really didn’t want to, something she was loath to admit to herself. But Adore wouldn’t be dissuaded that easily, and before Bianca could ask what the hell she was doing, their lips met again. It took a bit longer for Bianca to push Adore away this time, trying to preserve both their feelings.
This isn’t right. This is not what was supposed to happen. Bianca was supposed to be the mature one. She was supposed to know right from wrong and choose the right option even though it was hard. This was not the right option.
“I’m too old for you.”
“I’m too old for me.”
Bianca laughed. ”We’re quoting Moonstruck now, really?”
“Roy-“
“No!” Her abruptness startled the younger queen. “You need to listen to me. I am the adult. I know what is right, and this is not it.” Bianca looked over to Adore, now cowering in the corner of the car. “Danny, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for that moment, but there is a reason it hasn’t happened in all our years of friendship. It isn’t right. You know that. I know you like pushing the envelope with other people, but you never tried with me, you never tried anything.”
“I’m not playing, Roy. I want you. I always have. You know that. You have always known that, whether it fit in your imaginary world or not.”
“That isn’t the point!” Bianca was exhausted at this point. She had been having this argument with herself for the past five years, and she had finally tired of it. The fight had gone out of her. She knew she wanted Adore. She had wanted Adore for years, but it wasn’t right. Adore wasn't ready for commitment like Bianca needed. She was young, and should be able to try on any number of guys or girls she liked. Adore was an adventurer after all. Bianca knew that taking Adore away from her youth, her opportunity to explore all that the world had to offer would only make the younger queen despise her.
“Isn’t it though? Isn’t that the whole goddamn point of existence? To find the thing that makes you happy?”
The hardest part was that Adore was right.
“And I’m the thing that makes you happy?” Bianca still couldn’t believe it. Why this amazing force of nature would ever look at her, a beaten-up senile old hag, and think “that’s the one for me.” Maybe Bianca was modest, or maybe she just didn’t want it to be true.
“Well you aren’t making me very happy right now.” Adore tried to pass it off as a joke, but the hurt was evident.
“I’m sorry, kid.” And she was. “I’m sorry I can’t be the person you need.” Bianca couldn’t love Adore the way she needed. Even if she could, it wouldn’t be much of a life for either of them. So what to do when everything is right, but so terribly wrong at the same time? Bianca didn’t know.
“Me too.”
They sat in silence for too long.
When Roy finally started the car, it felt like giving up; the ride back to Danny’s place felt like a battle, and the dispassionate waves they gave each other felt like they had lost the war.
Bianca sat in her car for much longer than necessary, long enough to see the sun come back up, and the leaves change color.