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It was 4am on the morning of the planned visit to his parents to find out the truth about Armie - and Timmy was wide awake, staring at the ceiling, playing over the previous few nights in his head. It had been emotionally crippling and he was finding it hard to forgive himself even through Armie had told him over and over that there was nothing to forgive.
Timmy could barely stop pacing around the apartment during the day let alone sleep! Armie, on the other hand, was sleeping like a baby next to him - his beautiful face in a half smile as if he was in the middle of a lovely dream. And in a flash, a long-suppressed memory came rushing back to Timmy. It had happened on a hot, sunny weekend just before school broke up for the summer - before Armie went away, before Timmy broke his promise…
******
It was unusual for Timmy to be awake before Armie, so he carefully turned on his side and tried not to make any noise - he knew that Armie would wake up as soon as he was aware that Timmy was awake. He lay as quietly as he could and just watched him in the bed next to his, mere feet away where he had been every night for five years – but despite that, Timmy realised that he had rarely seen Armie asleep.
He wasn’t surprised to see that Armie’s sleeping state was very much the same as his waking state – quiet, calm, measured and peaceful. Timmy, on the other hand, would thrash about, twirling himself in the sheets and punching the pillows. Sometimes he woke up more tired than when he went to bed! Armie would make fun of him in the morning, laughing at how his hair stood on end and at the sheets in a tangle saying, “Jeez, have you been fighting off villains in the night?”
Armie insisted that he didn’t dream but Tim, who fought monsters and went on fantastic, frightening, sexy, funny journeys every night, found it incredible to believe. He wondered if dreamless-sleeping was a Helper thing or just an Armie thing. And besides, he never actually saw Armie as a Helper. He saw him as a brother, a confidante, a protector, and most of all his best friend in the whole world. He couldn’t picture a life without him in it.
They were both turning sixteen this year and Timmy couldn’t wait for them to have a bit more freedom – they would have a blast once Armie got his driving license!
He watched the rises and falls of Armie’s chest – the taught muscles and flat stomach, and his toned arms laid straight by his sides – it was mesmerising. He was so beautiful. Timmy had reluctantly accepted that he would never have Armie’s physique although at fifteen he knew they both had a fair bit of growing left to do. As he watched him, he felt the increasingly familiar flutters in his stomach and those feelings down below that were both thrilling and yet frightening at the same time. It was very confusing and he would just die of embarrassment if Armie ever found out! Although it didn’t take much to give him a boner lately!
He slid his hand down into his shorts and started to slowly stroke himself, watching Armie as he did – feeling a heady mix of guilt and pleasure - and fear that Armie might wake up and catch him out!
“Timmy! We’re leaving soon!” his father’s voice called from outside the door. Timmy quickly pulled his hand out and sat up.
Armie woke with a jolt and immediately looked over at Timmy. “Hey, what are you doing awake before me? Did you wet the bed?” he asked laughing. Timmy blushed and desperately hoped Armie wouldn’t be able to see the colour of his face in the dim light of the shuttered room.
Papa burst into the room. “Now, don’t let me regret this. We don’t want to have to cut our vacation short. Your mother’s been looking forward to a few days in the city.”
Timmy rolled his eyes. “Papa you’re only going for two days! We’re nearly sixteen – practically adults! Plus, Vanda is always here!” It had taken a lot of persuading and convincing for them to be allowed to stay home alone - sort of - while his parents went away for an anniversary trip. He’d had to promise to finish his English Literature assignment as part of the deal.
“No misbehaving Timmy! Armie, I know I can trust you to look after things, can’t I?”
“Yes sir, of course sir.” Timmy marvelled at how composed and alert Armie was considering he’d been fast asleep a minute ago!
“OK then – I guess you’ll be fine. Now make sure you finish that homework! Anchise is cleaning the pool so you’ll be glad to know it will be ready for action later this morning. No parties or girls do you hear?!”
Timmy fought hard not to do another eye roll and said, “Papa just go, have fun, you can trust us I promise!”
Momma came into the room. “They’re such good boys, I know they’ll be fine.” She came over to Timmy’s bed and hugged him close and kissed the top of his head. “We just worry about you that’s all.”
She lightly patted Armie’s foot over the bed covers on her way out. “Look after him Armie.”
“I always do,” said Armie looking very serious.
When his parents left the room, Timmy closed his eyes, held his arms up and crossed the fingers on both hands. He and Armie sat in silence, both grinning from ear to ear until they heard the front door close and the car engine start, then they both burst out laughing. Timmy leapt out of bed and opened the shutters so he could watch them drive off. “For one awful moment I thought they were going to change their minds!”
He jumped onto his bed and bounced up and down like a little kid. “Woo hoo! Two days of doing whatever we like!” Armie laughed at him and shook his head as Timmy eventually flopped down to catch his breath. “Well, once I’ve finished my essay that is…who’s genius idea was ’How Does Romantic Literature Reflect Contemporary Writing’? Remind me to choose Pottery or Drama next year.”
Armie swung his legs out of bed and stretched. “I’ll help you. I’ve been doing some research while you were at school and…”
Timmy cut him short. “No, its fine thanks. I want to do it on my own. I’ve got to stand on my own two feet at some point. You won’t always be here to help me.”
A look of pure fear passed over Armie’s face before he quickly composed himself, took a deep breath then said in a quiet voice, “Why, where will I be?”
Timmy felt a stab to his heart and a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. All the fun of the bed-trampolining vanished in a flash. He had unintentionally hurt his friend.
With a rush of clarity, he suddenly realised that all Armie’s friends were in fact his friends, that his family were the only family Armie had ever known – basically that his whole world revolved around Timmy. He had a mark on his wrist to prove it for fuck’s sake!
Timmy felt terrible and instinctively, without thought leaned over the small gap between their beds and tenderly cupped Armie’s face with his hand. “You’ll be with me of course. I just meant that I don’t want to rely on you all the time, that’s all.”
Armie leaned into the touch and put his own hand over Timmy’s and closed his eyes for a moment. The room became very still and quiet apart from their breathing. Tim could feel his heart thudding in his chest and was suddenly embarrassed so he pulled his hand away and tried to make light of the situation, “Who else would put up with my bratty behaviour but you?”
“Well that’s why I’m here I guess,” Armie said with a smile, and Timmy fought the urge to step over that small gap between their beds and squeeze him tight - and never let go.
Armie jumped up and pulled on his tracksuit pants. “Why don’t you hop in the shower while I make us my speciality breakfast. Go on,” and he ushered Timmy into the bathroom.
While Timmy let the hot water run down his back, he tried to process what had just happened. He felt very naïve and foolish – but at the same time, Armie had leaned into his hand… oh these feelings were confusing that’s for sure!
When he got down to the kitchen, there was bacon sizzling in a pan and Armie was trying to whirl Vanda around to a song playing on the radio. “Come on Vanda. You know you want to dance with me!”
She smiled vaguely before picking up her purse. “I have errands to run.”
“Killjoy!” Armie teased her. Then when she left he said to Tim, “She really needs to lighten up!”
“You’re wasting your time Armie. She’s a pain. And I could do without Anchise lurking around today as well. I thought we could have our own little pool party later – how does that sound? You’ve been dying for the pool to be repaired.”
Timmy knew that Armie loved the water and on vacation they would surf and paddle board and water ski. He was an excellent swimmer and had mastered every water sport they had tried with an enviable ease, whereas Timmy wasn’t a natural athlete and would flap about, coughing and spluttering up sea water. He’d get increasingly frustrated but Armie had seemingly endless patience and would spend hours teaching and encouraging him until he got it just right. “That’s it Timmy! You’re surfing!” he’d shout.
After a wonderful breakfast of Eggs-a-la-Armie, as Timmy had named it, he went into his father’s study to finish the assignment – and was touched to see that Armie had got everything ready and was excited to show him what he’d done.
“Ok, so I know you don’t want me to help you actually write the essay but look, I’ve charged up your lap-top and I’ve moved the desk under the window so you can look out at the garden for inspiration. I’ve got you a big glass of fresh squeezed orange – lots of vitamin C to stimulate the brain – and I’ve picked out some books from your Mom’s collection that I thought you could reference. I hope I chose the right ones…”
Timmy was having a few light-bulb moments that day and it dawned on him how much he took his lovely friend for granted – Helper or no Helper, Armie had truly thought of everything once again.
“Thank you Armie. I really am grateful even if I don’t show it or tell you all the time. Thanks.”
“No need to thank me – that’s what they got me for.”
Timmy had that sick feeling again. “You go test out the pool. I’ll be out there later. I’ve only got the last part to finish off. It should only take a couple of hours at the most. Go on. I’ll shout you if I need you.”
“You sure? I’ll come and check on you in an hour – to see if you need anything else.”
Armie dashed off to get his swim shorts and Timmy just stood and stared at the desk with a lump in his throat.
After around an hour and a half he had just about finished. He’d looked up every so often as he was typing to see Armie streaking back and forth in the pool, his tanned body gliding through the sparkling water.
But now Armie was relaxing in a sun lounger and Timmy thought he might have gone back to sleep - and it brought to mind a memory of Momma reading to them many years ago when they had fallen out of a tree. Armie had hurt his arm and they’d spend their first night together in the same bedroom. Momma had read a story about a Princess and a Knight – and Timmy suddenly realised that would be the perfect way to end his essay. Now what was the book called…?
He got up and scoured the huge floor-to-ceiling bookcase, craning his neck to look on the higher shelves for the book he wanted. He spotted it right up on the top shelf with the rest of his Mom’s books. Why on earth her books were up there was anybody’s guess!
He glanced out of the window and saw that Armie was still resting and he didn’t want to disturb him, so he pulled a chair over and climbed up to reach it. He held onto the top of the bookcase, and his fingertips just about got hold of the spine of the book when he heard a loud cracking noise – and to his horror, and as if in slow motion, the huge oak bookcase began to come away from the wall and fall towards him!
Timmy cried out and, still holding the book, he threw himself onto the floor with the chair landing on top of him, milli-seconds before the entire wooden structure came crashing down! Books rained down on him, one hitting him right in the face but by some miracle, the chair had wedged between him and the heavy furniture and it was only the bottom of his left leg that was pinned underneath. He felt his nose spurt with blood and, though lightheaded, he found himself mildly and weirdly amused that the blood had coated the entire cover of the romance novel!
“Timmy!” Armie cried out from the doorway and came dashing over to him. “Oh God, Oh God! Stay still! Don’t move! I’ve got this.” And with some sort of super-human strength, he lifted the heavy bookcase up so that Timmy could wiggle his way out – but then let out the most horrendous scream. “AAAGGGGGHHHHH!”
Armie let the book case drop and rolled onto his back, clutching at his left arm. He had gone a deathly shade of grey and had his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Timmy crawled over to him. “Armie, Armie! Are you ok? What’s happened?”
Armie looked up through tear-filled eyes. “Its my arm. I think something popped. Oh Timmy, you’re bleeding! Oh god, what have I done…?”
Timmy was confused. “You’ve done nothing! Forget about me, its only a nose bleed. What about your arm? Let me call someone!”
“No! Don’t. Please Tim. Don’t tell anyone about this. I’ll be fine. Its just another sprain. Please don’t tell anyone. Please…” he begged, rolling over onto his side and trying to stand up.
Timmy really didn’t know what to do. “Armie, sit down, here, let me help you,” and he guided him to Papa’s leather sofa, careful not to touch his damaged arm.
Armie slumped down, caught his breath and finally opened his eyes again. “Phew, I’m sorry Timmy. I fell asleep. I would have been back to check on you sooner. What were you doing anyway?”
Timmy felt stupid now. “I was getting a book from the top shelf. And I guess the bookcase came loose from the wall…”
“Why didn’t you shout me? I would have come.” Armie frowned.
“You looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“Oh Timmy. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me. I got the wrong books. And I said I’d come back in an hour…”
“Armie stop fucking saying you’re sorry! You’re the one that’s hurt! I’m the idiot. Stop, please! Now let me have a look at that arm. I did basic first-aid at school last month. I’m practically a qualified doctor.” He tried to smile.
But what Timmy saw made his stomach do a flip. Something was very wrong with Armie’s left arm. There was a strange bulge at the shoulder that definitely wasn’t there before, and his arm was hanging limply down. “Armie, I think you’ve dislocated your shoulder. We need to get you to a hospital.”
“No! No way! I’ve watched this before on YouTube. I’ll do it myself. Just give me a minute.” Timmy was very worried as Armie’s colour hadn’t improved and there was a sheen of sweat covering his face. He heard the back door open. Vanda!
“Wait here Armie!” Timmy ran to the kitchen. “Vanda, come quickly! I think Armie’s dislocated his shoulder.”
Vanda calmly walked back out of the door and was gone for a few seconds before returning with Anchise. They followed Timmy back to the study and to the scene of chaos. Neither of them reacted in the way Timmy was expecting but they both quickly sprang into action.
Vanda sat beside Armie and held his head in her arms while Anchise gently took his arm – then quickly manipulated the shoulder joint back into the socket in a quick, smooth manoeuvre. Armie stifled a scream against Vanda’s arm before leaning his head back on the sofa and panting.
Timmy just watched the scene play out in a trance. He was mortified that he had caused all of this. And how did Vanda and Anchise know what to do? He dashed over to Armie. “Is it ok now? How do you feel?”
“It’s sore but I’ll be fine. Look at your face Timmy! You look like you’ve been in a boxing ring!” They both smiled as Timmy touched his nose tentatively – he didn’t want it to start bleeding again.
“Thank you so much!” He hugged Vanda and Anchise for what he realised was the first time in a long time! “I know this is asking a lot, but please, please don’t tell Momma and Papa. Please.”
“We won’t.” said Vanda and she looked at Armie’s Helper mark and then at her own before placing his hand down on his lap and gently patting his head. “Go clean yourselves up boys, and we’ll sort all this out. Go on. Armie needs to rest.”
Timmy was overwhelmed with gratitude towards them and he felt so guilty for the bad thoughts he’d had earlier. Just another two people in his life that he had taken for granted all these years. Boy was he a bad person!
Much later when the sun was setting, Vanda brought Armie a large glass of brandy up to the bedroom. “For the pain,” she simply said as she placed it down on the nightstand next to where Armie was propped up in bed with his arm in a sling. His normal colouring had just about returned but he had hardly spoken.
Timmy was worried sick and tried to lighten the mood. “Well so much for us being practically adults! I managed to fuck-up within three hours of them leaving! Nice one Tim!”
“I fucked up.” Armie said in a whisper.
“What?”
“I said, I fucked up. I promised to look after you and I didn’t.” He reached over and took a large gulp of the brandy. “What was I thinking, going off swimming and leaving you. I promised to be with you, watching over you. I was just so happy that the pool was ready…”. He took another drink.
Oh god Timmy’s heart just about broke! “Armie please stop. Please. I feel terrible…”
Armie threw his head back and drank the rest of the brandy down in one go. “I don’t know where I’ll go if they get rid of me. Where will I live? Where will they send me? What will I do without you?”
Tim had never heard him talk like this – was it the drink? He was so scared. “Armie what do you mean? I promise I’ll never let anyone send you anywhere!” and he climbed on Armie’s bed, laid next to him and hugged him as tightly as he could without further hurting his arm, pulling Armie’s head down onto his chest.
“Armie, you’ll never have to leave. I promise! They told me your were mine, so I'm saying you'll never leave. Try and sleep now. Things will seem better in the morning.”
That night he guessed he got his answer as to whether Helpers dreamt or not as Armie thrashed about in his arms, mumbling tortured nonsense like ‘no!’ and ‘stop’ - and Timmy was sure he’d called out his name on more than one occasion.
In the morning he awoke to find himself alone in Armie’s rumpled bed. He quickly dressed, made his way downstairs and braced himself to enter the study to see the carnage – and like some miracle, the room was completely back to normal! The bookshelf was securely fastened to the wall, the blood on the carpet was gone – and apart from the order of the books on the shelves, there was no evidence of the horrible events of yesterday. He said another little prayer to Vanda and Anchise.
Happy voices came from the direction of the kitchen – it sounded as if Armie and Vanda were making breakfast together and Armie was talking about how he and Timmy were going to have a pool party later, and could Vanda please make her special ice-creams. Timmy smiled – it had been the drink talking after all – everything was back to normal. Phew!
He went over to the desk and opened his laptop – and saw an automatic message from his school saying ‘Thank you for submitting your assignment’ – Whaaat?! He was puzzled and clicked on the document – and saw that it had in fact been finished.
He read down the final page and tears pricked his eyes when he got to the last line: “Is it better to speak or die?”