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He stared blankly at the reflected image in the mirror. No longer did the image reflect a regal man standing tall with pride, prepared to give his life for his troops and the cause, eager to defeat the enemy with sheer determination and will shining from his blue eyes.
Now, only a fragile shell of that man gazed back in the mirror. A man with blue eyes shadowed grey with guilt for all the deaths that he had witnessed of friend and foe alike. An empty sleeve hung limp from his right shoulder like an empty, discarded shell, no longer covering the phantom limb that still sent ghostly barbs of pain through his body. A fine coating of blond whiskers spread across his jaw, further adding to his image of exhaustion. Heavy brows furrowed deeply under shaggy blonde hair as he struggled to fasten the buttons on his shirt with his one remaining hand, only to give up after barely fastening two.
Yes, it was true. Humanity's glorious leader could barely dress himself.
It wasn't the lost of the limb that he regretted most, he would gladly give his life to defeat the titans if he could, but it was this sense of uselessness that he hated the most. It wasn't natural for a thirty-five year old man to need assistance like some child. Having to relearn how to shave, write, and even feed himself was the most horrendous feeling of embarrassment yet. Another contributing factor to his feelings was the strange absence of people. Being the leader of the Survey Corps, he was used to people always bustling into his office in need of his signature of approval for some form or in need of his opinion or personal appearance. Now everything was strangely silent, alone in his room except for the intermittent visits of his old friend, Captain Levi, (in all the years he's known the grumpy little midget, he's never cracked a smile.) or the slightly insane scientist, Dr. Hanji, (for some reason, the woman seemed obsessed with viewing his wound. "to further her studies on titans and their effects on humans" she insists with a manic smile").
He sighs heavily once more, fumbling fingers finally managing to fasten the last three buttons. The faint moonlight high in the sky filters into the heavy grey darkness of his personal quarters, signalling the late hour of the night. He drifts away from the mirror, his bedroom, and out into the hallway. Since he's up this late, he might as well do some paperwork and be some sort of useful.
His boots clicked against the polished stone floor, announcing his presence as the only traveler on this lonely night. He was almost to his office when he turned a corner and came upon a male cadet persuasively trying to kiss a female cadet.
"You two should already be in your barracks. It's past curfew." His deep baritone voice grated out like gravel into the silence. Causing the two cadets to jump apart as if scalded and hurriedly saluting before scurrying off. Just as he started to continue walking towards his destination, he caught a flash of something on the cadet's faces that he despised most of all.
Pity.
Oh, how he hated that look.
It wasn't the openmouthed stares of horror that so often accompanied the glances of his missing arm that bothered him. It was the secret glances filled with pity that people threw his way when he passed. The way someone would be talking only to stop and stare at him silently, pity appearing in their eyes again. He didn't want to be pitied. He wanted to be useful! If he couldn't be on the battlefield anymore, surely there was something for him to do besides sit in a corner and rot!
Arriving at the plain wooden door that would have indistinguishable save for the small golden plate burnished with his name in shining letters. Commander Erwin Smith. He grasped the doorknob and twisted, revealing the darkened inner sanctum of his official office. Everything was still perfectly the same. The crimson curtains pulled closed over the arched windows. The columns of papers that still stood waiting on his battered wooden desk, the oak wood scarred from use by the many commanders that had preceded him. The only thing that had changed was the smell of must that had invaded the stale air in his absence. He slowly stepped inside and softly pushed the door shut, wincing at the protesting squeak that issued from the hinges. He had always meant to spray a little oil on the old hinges to stop the noise but had never quite got around to it. Instead, something else always seemed to require his attention.
He wordlessly sank into the cushiony leather desk chair with the gears of his mind still turning. How many hours had he spent in this chair? How many were wasted on something that a new commander will replace as soon as they get in office. Will all his hard work be undone by a replacement? Another bullet of pain shot through the remaining nerves of his right shoulder, causing him to grimace in pain. How long did that doctor say that the nerves would need to rest before the healing process would start? Was it a month? He thought it was a month. Only then the electric tingling sensation would take over from stabbing pain as the nerves would try to heal. He leaned back further into the chair, blue eyes staring up at the ceiling thoughtfully. The orders announcing his release from his position will probably come down from the king. One of rules stated that loss of limb was one of the fastest ways for a solider to be discharged, not even the great commander would be exempt from this issue. For a moment, he wondered who the replacement would be. Levi or Hanji would be the most obvious choice. Both decorated soldiers with highly brilliant minds capable of producing brilliant battle plans but Levi lacked the tact needed to deal with the dignitaries of the ruling councils and Hanji was not much better, one more likely to cuss out his higher commanders and the other liable to feed anyone who apposed her to a titan. Neither would be the right choice at all.
Giving his head a shake, he attempted to clear his mind of the jumbled thoughts. Work would keep his mind focused, so he grabbed a smaller stack of papers and a pen, ready to approve or deny whatever contents the form was needing. His gaze scanned the forms rapidly as he scrawled a signature over the papers in quick succession. His name signed not in the usual elegant script that he so carefully perfected but in a slanted scribble that spoke volumes of his conflicted state of mind.
The stacks of unsigned papers were quickly discarded into the large basket beside his desk, ready for delivery to whatever department their destination was. It was when he was nearly finished with the last forms that something caught his attention out of the corner of his vision. A small photo, maybe 2.5 X 3.5 inches, stood partially hidden by his pen holder in a turned silver frame. Two young, smiling figures were the subject. A tall, blonde haired male teenager had one arm casually slung around the shoulders of a slightly smaller female with (h/l), (h/c) hair and the most beautiful (e/c) eyes. Her arms hugged his waist in return as they both smiled so big with excitement for what was to come. The patches of the cadet corps was just barely visible on their khaki uniforms but both seemed to vibrate with life, like they were ready to leap out of the frame and dance with the joy of being young and alive, not yet brought down by the harshness that this life brings.
Erwin chuckled softly and picked up the framed photo to study it closer. He had almost forgotten about this. He was only what, 15? 16? It was taken the night before his pledging ceremony, so he was at least that old. He subtly traced his finger along the girl's figure. How long had it been since he's heard from (y/n)? She was his best friend and the object of his affections since they were children, how had he allowed her to drift away. His brow wrinkled in concentration, she had joined the Survey Corps with him but was assigned to a different squad. The perilous duties of daily life had affect the infrequent moments they spent together and as he rose in rank, she seemed to have just faded away. Was she even still alive? Had he signed her death notice and not even realized who's name was listed on the starched paper? Or was she discharged while alive, living some wonderful life safe in the walls with a family of her own? He hoped she was still alive and happy with something to show for her life, that was better than the upsetting alternative.
The harsh smacking thud of the heavy wooden door against the opposite wall startled the blonde out of his somber thoughts. A short man with inky black hair shaved into a undercut with longer fringe hanging down from the top, stony features that revealed no emotion whatsoever, and piercing steel grey eyes that pierced straight through to your soul like a knife. "Erwin, what the hell are you doing in here? You're supposed to be resting."
"I was just signing a few forms. I am still the acting commander of the Survey Corps for now and I do have a job to preform, Levi." He said testily, shoving the framed image in between some of the papers. Only for the obtrusive man to stroll over and snatch the item out of it's hiding place.
"So when did you meet the broad?" Levi droned, steely eyes taking in the happy kids in the photo and the severely frowning man before him.
"Don't insult (y/n)! She was my friend!" Erwin snapped, snatching the frame out of Levi's hands and hurriedly stashed it in one of cluttered wooden drawers that lined the the desk. He stood sharply and returned the Levi's glare with one of his own. "Now, if you will excuse me. I will return to my previous restful activities."
Leaving Levi standing in the middle of his office, he yanked the door closed behind him, it whammed into the frame with force, sending a sound like thunder echoing down the hallway as his steps smacked harshly with anger against the floor. Fury boiling in his veins at being treated once more like a child not allowed to move.
~
"Shitty-Glasses, Turn around and pay attention!"
The muddy brown ponytail continued to bob about as it's owner peered into a microscope. "Just a second, Levi. I'm on the verge of an important discovery! Titan saliva contains all kinds of things like bacteria, spores, and mites. It's a fully functioning little world." Hanji mumbled in amazement while adjusting the knobs of microscope.
Bacteria. Spores. Mites. Even the words just made Levi's skin crawl with revulsion over the tiny single-celled organisms, and this insane woman was watching them instead of listening to what he had to say. Not going to happen. Levi strode over to the brunette, promptly shoved her away from the microscope, and produced a small squirt bottle filled with a liquid blue cleaner from some hidden pocket in his uniform. Hanji howled in despair and charged back towards toward Levi, her arms swinging like windmills, only to have Levi plant a hand in her face and fend her off with one arm while calmly squirting the sample she had previously been viewing with the cleaning solution.
"Die, filthy scum!" He muttered with vengeance as Hanji sank to her knees on the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks in translucent rivers over the loss of her precious specimen. Once the slide had been cleaned to his OCD-like specifications, he turned back to the sobbing scientist and scowled. "Tch, noisy brat. Stop being nasty."
"How could you, Shorty! That was my only sample!" She squealed, her glasses fogging up from the heat of her tears till they obscured her brown eyes completely.
"Don't call me that, Shitty-Glasses! Now listen, Something is wrong with Erwin. He's irritable, wandering the halls at night instead of sleeping, withdrawn, and looks like something that was tossed into the trash. He nearly snapped my head off last night when I found him in his office staring at some old photo."
Hanji sprang up, fully recovered, and tapped a finger thoughtfully against her chin. "Considering that he did go through the trauma of losing his arm, some attitude changes are to be expected. Therapy has been very successful with some gravely injured soldiers. Maybe it would be helpful to have him talk to a friend who has had a similar experience?"
Levi snorted dismissively. "Consider this, Mike's dead, I haven't lost any body parts yet and you're insane. We're Eyebrow's closest friends and we don't quite meet up to those standards."
"What about one of the younger cadets?"
"They all look up to him as a hero. Would you feel comfortable telling your innermost secrets to some starry-eyed brat?"
"Well there must be someone! A girlfriend maybe?"
"There is someone," Levi mused, thinking back to the photo he had previously seen Erwin holding. "A women, she was in a photo with Erwin when they were cadets. A (height), (h/c) girl with (s/c) skin and big (e/c) eyes. Know anyone like that?"
"Oh, Levi! You're brilliant!" Hanji rushed forward with her arms spread wide and lips puckered up. A juicy kiss was quickly planted on the stunned Corporal's lips before she danced off, leaving a gaping Levi in her wake.
~
The soft citrus aroma of the freshly brewed earl grey tea curled upwards with the rising cloud of hot steam from the delicate china cup. Erwin blew gently across the scalding liquid before taking the smallest sip, allowing the full flavors of the bold sweet-sour tang to sink into his palate. At least he could still brew a decent cup of tea with one hand. He placed the cup back onto the table as he casually scanned through the morning paper before the door to his room burst open.
"GOOD MORNING ERWIN!"
He stoically proceeded to sip his drink while viewing the excitable brunette with casual disinterest. "Hello, Hanji."
"You'll never guess what I found! I guarantee you're going to love it." She chattered, her brown eyes sparkling with a slightly manic light. As quick as she had appeared, Hanji popped out of sight, leaving Erwin to wonder what she was bringing him now. He sighed. He really hoped it wasn't more discarded pieces of titan flesh. After all of the disastrous scenes he had viewed in his lifetime, he was rather strong stomached but the sight of a maggot-ridden chunk of flesh made him extremely sick.
The scientist's surprise was not a gruesome one, instead it was one that took his breath away as he rose unbidden from his chair. Hanji returned with her arm linked into the arm of a familiar but stunningly beautiful woman. Where (hair style) (h/c) hair had been, now was replaced with (different hair style) and where shining (e/c) eyes viewed their surroundings with an unmatched enthusiasm were now shaded by a grey mist that obscured that light. But the smile, that beaming smile was still present on her face, still able to make his heart flutter after all these years.
"(y/n), I think you remember Commander Erwin." Hanji said as she subtly directed (y/n) to Erwin's chair.
"(y/n), it's lovely to see you again." Once again he was thankful for all of the experience as a commander that granted him the ability to keep his deep voice smooth and even, no hint of the nervousness plaguing him evident in his tone.
"It's been a long time Erwin, or should I say Commander?" (y/n) asked playfully with one eyebrow arching up high.
"Well, I'm just going to leave you two alone." Hanji giggled, glancing between her blushing superior and the smiling woman. She briefly patted (y/n) on the shoulder encouragingly before quietly sneaking out of the room. The door closing behind her with a soft click that did not entirely muffle Hanji's excited murmurs of "Make lots of little Erwin/(y/n) babies!"
"So, Erwin," (y/n) began as her hand reached out, located the chair, and sat down. Her misted eyes glancing only slightly to the left of his face as she spoke. "Hanji told me what happened. How are you really feeling?" The words "I'm fine" had already started to form on his tongue before she continued. "And don't give me any of that horse pucky about you being fine. I know better. If I was a betting person, I would lay money on that you're feeling pretty useless right now. Am I correct?"
Erwin stared down at the floor, no longer able to meet her gaze after the brutal accuracy of her words. Even after all these years, she still knew him so well that she was able to get to the heart of the matter in seconds. He rubbed his hand over the remains of his shoulder. "Does it get better? This feeling of worthlessness?
(y/n) sighed and placed her open palm on the table. He placed his larger hand in hers and she gave a reassuring squeeze. "I wish that I could say it gets easier, but it doesn't. That feeling is going to stay with you for the rest of your life. You just when through a horrible experience and you're never going to be the same again. But that's the great thing about life! Everything is always changing, so why not try something new. True, you'll never be the soldier you once were, so why not try to be an even better one!"
Erwin thoughtfully considered her passionate words before speaking. "What did you do after you were injured?"
"After the titan blood burned my eyes, I was really fortunate to have a friend who helped me learn about my disability and how to work with it, not against it. I'm not a scout anymore but I am still working with the Survey Corps as an assistant in the Science sector." She paused for a moment and giggled. "And lately, I've been training with my blades and old 3DMG gear. You remember how I would always hit trees and stuff, I was never accurate? I'm much better now without my sight than I was with it. I hit the target mock titan's nape every single time!"
"I guess I had better get started training. I can't have you beating my titan kill count." Erwin laughed. It had been a long time since he had felt like laughing. Perhaps he wasn't going to be retired after all. Who knows, a one armed solider might lead the titans downfall after all, hope and determination would be the telling factor, and just maybe he would have a second chance with this beautiful angel as well. "I missed you so much, (y/n)."
"I've missed you too, Erwin." She replied with a smile. He didn't miss the way she was slowly exploring his muscled arm with her fingers, causing old sparks to flare to life with her touch.
"Then, let me formally invite you to dine with me tonight. I hear their serving a special dessert." He leaned across the table closer to her and allowed his voice to deepen considerably in a husky whisper.
"Oh, you know how much I love dessert." Her smile transformed in a smirk he remember all too well. Her hand trailed up his arm till she found the center of his chest, spread her fingers wide across the muscles and pushed as hard as she could, sending him staggering back from the table as she dashed for the door. Her call of "But you have to catch me first" trailing behind her like a flag as ran.
Erwin quickly recovered, laughing like a teenager as he ran after the vibrant woman who had not only provided him with joy but with hope for the future as well.