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The Beatles song was playing full volume as I stumbled in the door. There he was in the corner, grinning and beckoning me over with a plate held out towards me, some of the Mars Bar cake he’d promised over the coms no doubt. I was still sweating, my shirt clinging to my back and the chain from my dog tags starting to let beads of moisture collect on the back of my neck. I forced myself to slow to walk, feeling my muscles wind and unwind as they always did after a hard run. I walked over, across the crowded room, noting Nadia glaring at me from the corner of my eye. After what Sam had said, was it any wonder? I stalked the last few feet over to him, carefully took the proffered plate, and set it aside on the table near the drinks. Then, I punched him.
Not with my full strength, mind you, and just a minor round house instead of a full force punch. Not quite enough to tumble him over, but he stumbled and nearly fell against the wall. He hadn’t warned me about anything, and surely he must’ve sorted out that I was horribly afraid of heights? Well, perhaps not that. Then as he righted himself, looking a little stunned, I couldn’t help it. I reached over, finished helping him up, then kissed him. Not the quick pecks on the cheek I give it to him before to make him stammer, then run off with a wink and smile just to have a laugh. I truly kissed him. I hadn’t actually kissed anyone in close to 12 years, even before the outbreak. The room was strangely silent, with the Beatles cheerily and yet strangely singing “Black, white, green, red...”
I broke away and ran from the room, leaving Sam standing shocked by the Mars bar cake. I hadn’t been able to talk well since the helicopter crash-Maxine know why, most people thought I was just quiet- but I ran frantically from the room despite my legs having that feeling that they were about to turn to jelly in the ping of a cramp starting in my right calf. Where was Sarah to keep me annoyed and in line when I really needed her? I headed for the showers because it seems like the only sensible thing to do-then realized I wasn’t quite sure where anything was, I was on the verge of crying, and I had automatically been running the way showers would’ve been in Abel. I stood for a moment, the cramp in my leg growing stronger, breathing heavily- then saw Nadia. She was just standing, the look on her face a strange mixture of anger, contempt, and pity.
“Why don’t you just tell me how you got Lem’s headset? I know it was you!” She was almost in tears too, I noticed. “ I asked and I asked, but you never talk, do you? You let me believe he was alive! You had me hoping- you, you...” She turned and stalked off. I stood, wishing I had my notebook, some way to communicate with her. It was ironic, really-before Jolly Alpha Five Niner, I had been a singer and was fluent in two languages besides my native tongue. When the crash happened, I’d had some injuries not readily apparent until I’d arrived in Abel - Maxine saw what happened to my tongue. A side effect of biting your tongue nearly in half and there being a lack of oral surgeons is that it leaves you with a severe speech issue. I can manage most things well enough but I now find speaking or singing very difficult, easier just to keep quiet. I started to go after Nadia-how many times has I wanted to let her know about Lem -then gave up. She wasn’t likely to listen, anyway. And Sam- what about Sam- I had just shown him far more of my feelings than I had meant to.
I flashed back suddenly to that moment on the train, hearing the concerned but somehow still cheerful young voice, all of us only concerned with getting Halima onto the first cars...getting her and the baby to safety. Did Sam even know that was me? I hadn’t told him. I certainly hadn’t told him about slipping my travel papers out of my pouch before climbing in the sleep pod. I’d climbed aboard that military train, told them my gear and papers were lost, that I had been on my way for the recruiting station anyway after my holiday but since the situation looked grim we might as well take care of things now.
I’d given them my name, true - but it happened to be the same name as my cousin’s, and I gave my uncle as my reference for emergency contact. When they heard the name and his regiment they made their assumptions and my family name was enough to let them make out papers as soon as I arrived. In the shuffle I was assumed to be my cousin and found myself a member of Her Majesty’s Army for a few short weeks, then under the Ministry’s command. I’d learned not to talk much and let people assume, then the helo crash made it easier to keep quiet.
I still had my rules- and when I’d first heard Sam after the crash I thought I was in some kind of bizarre hallucination. Then when I saw him and realized how young he was, truly just out of uni, I knew I would have said no in the world before. He was the type that usually chased me, looking for the slightly older type, like a freshman chasing a senior level. Not insurmountable age difference but a challenge, usually something you brush off or have turn into a fling. I kept Sam at an awkward arm’s length because I knew my rule, 2 years apart or no chance. Why had I kissed him? I knew why I’d punched him, he’d earned that.
I was walking as I thought, still trying to find the showers in building C, the ones Archie complained about, when I turned a corner. There he was.
“5 - I - what the bloody hell? I - I just don’t know what to say to that.” He stood silent a moment, then with a strange smile, held out a plate. On it was a slightly crooked piece of cake. “Saved a piece for you?”