Work Text:
Bin,
Hey, it’s me again, Jinwoo. I’m sitting in the back seat of the cab. It just pulled out of our driveway, or I guess, your driveway, now.
I can’t stop crying Bin. I know I shouldn’t. I know that this was all my fault. But seeing you like that, seeing that storm inside you cloud over those galaxies in your eyes it— Well, it broke something inside of me Binnie, something I’m not sure will ever be whole again.
I know we both said this was for the best but it really doesn’t feel that way right now. All I want to do is turn this car around and go back;
Back to our apartment,
Back to you wrapped around me in the kitchen while you pester me to hurry up with dinner,
Back to before this all got so messy, you know?
Like back when it was just you and me under that cherry blossom tree last spring. Do you remember it? The one on the river bank by that convenience store that sold all those peppermints? You know, the ones in those huge trays with the brown paper bags? I swear I’ve never seen so many peppermints in my entire life and you ate so many too!
I’ll never forget the way you looked with your cheeks all puffed out and your face all red and tears in your eyes because we couldn’t stop laughing.
You looked so beautiful that day.
I still can’t believe you managed to fit the whole bag in your mouth! Then again, I guess I should have known you would. You always did exceed my expectations.
God, it hurts so bad Bin. It feels like my whole chest has been ripped open, like someone has taken out all my insides and left me empty and cold and you, you were always so warm Binnie.
I never thought it would end up this way.
You told me you would marry me under those cherry blossoms.
If only I had known then what they meant, maybe I would have known better than to promise to buy the rings.
But you know what hurts the most? I can’t blame you for it. He’s beautiful after all. He’s everything you ever dreamed of and, well, yeah. I get it. I can’t blame you for falling in love with him.
I just— God Binnie, I just wish you could have waited you know? Waited till we had had some more time to do all those things we dreamed of. Like the camping trip remember? We were going to cook those American marshmallow sandwich thingies you always wanted to try and we were going to sleep under the stars. You promised you would teach me about the constellations. I guess now I’ll have to YouTube it or something.
I can’t wrap my head around it all. It doesn’t feel real knowing that this morning was the last time I’ll get to wake up with your head on my chest, with your fingers tracing the lines of my tattoos... You do know you were my King all along right?
It makes me feel sick thinking that he’ll be the one in my side of the bed tomorrow; that he’ll be the one to get your sleepy "good morning"'s and mumbly kisses; that it'll be him you’ll pull closer when you don’t want to get out of bed.
I wonder if he’ll run his fingers through your hair to put you to sleep the way I did, or if he knows that you like two sugars in your coffee even though you only ever ask for one. Does he really know you Bin? Does he know you better than I do? Was it really so bad that you couldn’t have asked me for a hug instead of him?
Did I really push you that far away?
You know, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for letting my music come before you. I hope you know that I truly am more sorry than I’ll ever be able to put into words.
I loved making music more than anything but now, I don’t know...
Maybe the reason I loved it was because I got to play it to you. Maybe what I really loved was seeing you dance to it in the living room or hear you sing it in the shower. Maybe it was watching you tap your fingers to the beat on the steering wheel that made me even want to make it in the first place.
What if this was all a mistake Bin?
What if the true melody of my music was you all along?
We’re almost at the motel now. I guess I should go before we pull up and the cab driver really does start to think I’m crazy. Oh well, I suppose one more person thinking I’m a cry-baby won’t hurt right?
Ok, we’re here now.
The door to my room is green. I don’t think green will be my favourite colour anymore.
— Your Jinwoo