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I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am
never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and
whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
-EE Cummings
He was staring at her again;
Openly, unabashedly, and from across the evening campfire, that everyone was sitting near. Chatter about the recent week's events with the Grounders and the lack of contact with The Arc went idly on around her but she can't focus on any of it. Not tonight. Not when she can feel his eyes on her watching her every move.
Flames and sparks burn then crackle in-between the few short feet that separate them and she can't decide if that's an good thing or not. But what she does know is what that look means.
She'd known it from the first time they'd been together.
But she'd been trying to keep him at a distance. Not just for her own sanity's sake but because she already knew what would happen if he got too close. He wouldn't stop it if it happened because he never stops it. He never stops her when she shows up at his tent after the others have already gone to bed, and he never stops her when she gets up to leave when they are done. He never stops her when she comes back for more and that was beginning to be a problem.
So she solved it the only way she knew how. Twelve days had passed since the last time she entered his tent. Only now he wouldn't stop staring at her.
In the daytime they go on as if nothing has changed between them, but one look in his direction on the opposite side of the flame and she knows that's not the truth.
Everything's changed.
Unable to take the sweltering heat anymore she stands, and moves toward the ship. When Jasper asks where she's going she tosses out a mumbled.
"Headache. Just going to lie down."
But the minute she disappears from their sight instead of heading toward her tent, she's headed outside the wall and its allusion of safety. She hasn't made it that far, maybe mile and a half when he calls out to her.
"It's not safe out here for you."
She doesn't even turn around before she angrily replies.
"And where is it safe Bell?!"
The intensity of her retort seems to catch him off guard as she spins in the direction she heard him and stalks closer to him. Its dark out, but somehow she can make out his contemplative face from where she stands. His hesitation to reply angers her. Because he should know better than anyone how she feels. And she tells him as much.
"Tell me, oh fearless leader, where is it safe for any of us!? Because it feels like I've been to fucking hell and back and I still can't find anywhere that I can—"
'Call home' is what she planed on finishing with but the rest of what she's going to shout at him is lost as he covers her mouth with his and pushes her back against the tree she's standing near. There is something decidedly desperate in the way he kisses her; his frantic hands sliding across her shoulders, neck and face and even the way he clings to her now. Something that goes beyond the handful of passionate nights they've spent trying to forget the world they have to exist in. At first she wants to fight it. So she does fight it. She pushes at his chest, claws at his neck, and pulls on his hair. But in the end she's kissing him back just as fiercely and pulling him in as close as can be.
Then clothes are disappearing, and before she can realize how, they're both naked on the forest floor and Bell is looking down at her; But instead of taking their usual pace and taking her swiftly, for some reason he hesitates before entering her; even though their hearts are racing, muscles tensed, she tries to reposition him to take her but he won't move until she looks up at him and sees the question in his eyes that he promised her once he would never ask.
It throws her.
She thinks it's because this is the first time he's the one initiating this. She thinks this is his way of giving her the chance to stop this –whatever this is– once and for all before anyone gets hurt. But ultimately what she understands it's about his vulnerability. Because he still won't be the guy to talk her down if she decides to walk back into his tent tomorrow night, but what he really needs to know is if she would be the one to talk him down.
The revelation is enough to send the world spinning on its axis.
Suddenly all she knows is above them there is a canopy of trees and stars. Beneath them is solid earth and roots. But between them, between them is everything she'd never thought she'd have again.
Because this is how she wants to be loved.
Pulling him down to her she gives him her answer via kiss; and unlike the ones they've shared this one isn't drenched in desperation, or the desire for distraction or comfort but rather this kiss is full of tenderness and love.
They are still locked in that kiss when he enters her smoothly.
They make love for the first time out underneath the stars; eyes wide open and searching. Fully knowing there may not be anywhere left in the world that is safe for them to exist but neither of them was going to stop the other from trying to create one.
And somehow that's enough.
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