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There wasn’t much time to think about any of it, at least not for the first few days after it happened. After Han, Luke, and Chewbacca had helped Leia escape the Death Star, they had been immediately thrown into the heat of battle. The only down time she had had between Alderaan’s destruction and the Death Star blowing had been terrified, lonely hours in her cell and a nearly fifteen-hour nap she’d taken on the Falcon.
But the Death Star was gone, and the Empire was scurrying to reconvene. There was a moment of peace, if only a moment.
The minute the adrenaline wore off, Leia felt like falling flat on her face.
Not only was she tired (stars above, she was tired), but everything hurt. She felt terrible physically, but the emotional toll was far greater. The grief felt like a searing burn in her chest, a flame that refused to burn out, despite how burnt out Leia herself was feeling.
She refused to give herself any time to think about it, though. Buried in unending work, it was easier to forget about the screams of every Alderaanian citizen as the planet was instantly obliterated. She could never completely forget— no, she could still hear the faint echoes of wailing behind her ears, even at her busiest— but it was enough to keep her sane.
(“Is this normal for her?” she remembered hearing Luke ask, low, like he was trying to
keep her from hearing.
“Leia is a hard worker,” Carlist had responded, “but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her work this hard.”)
But, of course, distractions are just that: distractions. They aren’t solutions or even coping.
So it didn’t take long for something to break her.
Two standard weeks after they had won against the Empire, Carlist pulled her aside from her spot in the war room.
“There’s a lot to be done about the Alderaanian diaspora. You’re... You’re really the last major leader left, after your parents’ deaths.”
Leia nodded. “Just send me the data files and I’ll start looking through it.”
She tried to be detached, the same way she had been on the Death Star. At one point, she remembered feeling almost entirely removed from her body. She couldn’t feel the truth serum being painfully injected into her arm. In fact, it was almost like she was watching it happen to someone else.
But Leia couldn’t be a passive observer in this. Even just reading the word “Alderaan,” inter-spliced between redacted text from the Empire’s official reports, caused the screams to ring out even louder than before.
It was the middle of the night, but Leia didn’t care. After spending what felt like years staring tearfully at the datapads Carlist had provided her, she wandered aimlessly through the base’s corridors. Yavin’s nights were cool and pleasant, but it did nothing to clear her head.
Leia had no idea how long she’d been walking or even where her feet had been taking her when she collided with a large, firm shoulder.
“Shit, princess! You okay?” Han asked, stepping back and grabbing her shoulders.
Leia rubbed absent-mindedly at her sore nose. “Yeah, uh, I’m okay.”
Han gave her an unconvinced look. “You sure?”
“Yes, Captain Solo. Your shoulder is not that hard.”
“Wasn’t really talking about that,” Han replied. Leia had looked painfully vacant when she’d walked into him, the only other person in the wide hallway. If she hadn’t responded the way she had, he might have thought she was sleepwalking.
“When was the last time you slept?” he asked.
“I don’t see why it matters,” Leia answered, pretending that she hadn’t flinched, however minutely, at the mention of sleep.
The only time Leia had had a dreamless sleep following her time on the Death Star had been the long sleep on the way back to base. Ever since, sleep had been a painful experience. She relived nearly every second of her time on the Death Star, but this time, nothing felt disassociated from her.
Every nightmare ended the same way: with the haunting, deafening final cry of millions of her people.
Han saw her tremor, though, and Leia knew he had seen when his face softened tremendously.
“Luke’s helpin’ me do some work on the Falcon. Want to hang out with us for a bit?” he asked tactfully.
The idea of going back to her room to sit and stare at the datapads again sounded like hell, and continuing to stumble vacantly around base didn’t sound much better. Also, Han, Luke, and presumably Chewbacca would all be on the Falcon. Leia knew Han wouldn’t pester her with personal questions with so many people around.
“Okay,” Leia agreed.
Han broke out into the smile that made her insides twist into knots. “Great!”
Leia followed him out to the hangar, which was only slightly more populated than the rest of the base. She had no idea what time it was, but judging by the skeleton crew standing around, it had to be late enough for third shift.
“Guess who decided to join us,” Han announced as they climbed aboard, gesturing vaguely behind him.
“Oh, hey, Leia!” Luke called cheerily, sticking his head up out the compartment where he’d been working.
“Hi, Luke,” Leia mumbled quietly, forcing herself to smile.
“Where’s Chewbacca?” she asked.
“On the roof,” Luke replied nonchalantly.
“Huh,” Leia hummed, almost finding the idea absurdly funny in her sleep-deprived state.
“Speaking of, I’m gonna go make sure he hasn’t fallen off. Sit down, I’ll get us drinks of my way back,” Han said, gently maneuvering her to sit at the holochess table.
Leia leaned against the table, drumming her short fingernails against the top. It was quiet as Luke worked, only the mechanical sounds of his work breaking the silence.
“What’re you doing up so late? You usually have the earlier shifts.”
“I was working on some stuff and decided to take a break.” It technically wasn’t a lie.
“What kind of stuff?” Luke asked, friendly and curious. Leia tensed.
“Uh... Alderaan stuff,” she said.
Luke froze as well, eyes going slightly wide. “Oh.” Then a few seconds later, “Hell, I’m sorry Leia.”
“It’s fine, Luke,” Leia replied tiredly, waving him off. “It’s just a lot of wading.”
“You got anyone helping you?”
“Carlist, sort of. But it’s... It’s kind of my job to do this right now.”
“I understand,” Luke said. “Still, if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”
Leia smiled fondly. “Thanks.”
Luke grinned back. “No problem.”
Han arrived back not too long after, clinking three sweaty bottles down on the table. “I would have asked what you wanted, but we only really have one thing.”
Leia shrugged and took one. She threw the first sip back, alcohol burning her throat as she drank.
Han settled down on her left side, sipping his own drink. Luke crawled out to join them, sitting on Leia’s other side.
Luke and Han began talking ship mechanics over Leia’s head. If she cared to pay attention, she was sure that she could have chimed in, but she was back to her earlier state. The ache had gotten worse after Luke had mentioned it, and it refused to be ignored for much longer.
“You okay, sweetheart?” Han asked, putting a hand on Leia’s shoulder, causing her to jump.
“Uh, yeah. I’m fine,” she stammered, trying to compose herself.
“You sure, Leia?” Leia swallowed at Han’s change of name. “Sweetheart” and “princess” felt jokey and safe. “Leia” meant a level of seriousness she wasn’t sure she could handle.
“Han, I’m okay. Just a little tired,” she promised.
“Can’t sleep?” Luke asked, that same sincerity in his voice as before.
“Does anyone in this Rebellion sleep?” Leia countered dryly.
Luke and Han seemed dissatisfied with that.
“What time does your shift start tomorrow?” Han said.
“Not too early. I’m fine, really.”
Han finished off his drink, seemingly uninterested in pushing her further. He rose up and crawled into the compartment Luke had been in.
“Come help me finish this up, kid,” he called without lifting his head.
Luke reluctantly left Leia, leaving her to nurse her now room-temperature drink by herself.
Han and Luke continued to chatter, regularly bringing Leia into the conversation. Leia, however, was just as content to listen to them joke around and bicker as she was to actually contribute. There was something comforting about being in the presence of the two people in the Rebellion who weren’t either superiors or terrified of her.
As time went on, her eyelids began to droop. It was late, and she did have to be up in the morning, so maybe it was best if she went on back to her room...
The last time her head dipped, she was awakened by the swoosh of an opening door. She jolted as she looked up into the vacant mask of Darth Vader.
“Now, senator,” he said, gesturing to the modified medical droid behind him, “we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base.”
“Hey,” Luke said, nudging Han. “Leia’s asleep.”
Han looked up. Sure enough, Leia had curled in on herself, her empty drink laying on its side next to her. She was just the right height to use the top of the bench as a pillow.
“Good,” Han replied. “I don’t think she’s been getting very much of that recently.”
Luke turned back to his work, but Han paused for a moment longer to watch Leia. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, at least not in such a juvenile way, but he’d developed a bit of a crush on her in the past few weeks. She challenged him, and he liked that.
“You done being creepy?” Luke teased.
“Piss off, Skywalker,” Han shot back, still sparing one last look at Leia.
That’s when he noticed she was crying.
“Shit,” Han hissed, quickly lifting himself out of the compartment.
Leia was totally quiet and still, the only giveaway that she was having a nightmare being the steady stream of tears dripping down her chin. Han hastily wiped his oily hands off on a rag and gently grabbed her shoulders.
“C’mon, Leia, wake up,” he begged softly, just loud enough to hear. The last thing he wanted to do was startle her even worse.
“Is she okay?” Luke asked, climbing up to join him.
“She’s havin’ a nightmare, I think,” Han said, shaking her again. “Please, sweetheart, it’s just a dream.”
Luke was still for a moment, before nodding. “I usually filter it out because, well, everyone on base has had a near death experience or ten, but that’s her all right.”
“Any way you can use that force nonsense to wake her up?”
“I can try.” Luke leaned over Han, concentrating his energy on Leia. After a few moments, he shook his head.
“I don’t really know how to fix it,” Luke admitted defeatedly, joining Han in on nudging Leia. “It’s weird... Almost like she’s shielding herself somehow.
“Leia’s not force-sensitive, though. Is she?” Luke looked at Han, visibly perplexed.
“I don’t know, and right now, I don’t really care. Just help me wake her up, will you?”
Luke jumped into action, tugging lightly on Leia’s hair. “Hey, Leia, wake up! You’re just dreaming!” He was louder than Han dared to be, and it seemed to pay off, as Leia’s eyes flew open seconds later.
“Oh, fuck,” Leia swore, leaning forward and hugging her midsection. Han and Luke leaned back to give her space.
“Leia—“ Han began.
“No, hold on,” she mumbled. “I feel like I might throw up.”
“The booze or the dream?”
“Both.”
“Luke, go grab her some water,” Han commanded. “And get Chewie down off the roof. I want him to get the spare bunk ready.”
“Han—“
“Shhh,” Han hushed, passing a hand over her hair. “Be quick about it,” he added to Luke, who was already halfway down the hall.
“You okay?” he asked, pushing Leia’s
hair out of her face. She looked up at him, but was unwilling to meet his eyes.
“Yeah, I get this all the time. It’s not a big deal.”
“And that’s why you’re not sleeping, which is why it is a big deal. Why haven’t you said anything?”
“Everyone on base has nightmares. It’s a thing. No need to draw attention to it.”
“Leia, I think you’ve been through a lot more than the average pilot being a dumbass and crashing their X-Wing.”
Leia shook her head. “Really, I need to go back to my room. I’ll sleep there, be out of the way.”
“If you really wanna go back, I won’t stop you.” Han paused. “But, I won’t lie, I’d prefer for you to stay here. I want you to stay here.”
Leia looked at him for a few seconds before curling back in on herself and sobbing.
“Oh, sweetheart...“ Han began, unsure what to say. In the heat of the moment, he folded over himself, his torso covering hers in the weirdest hug he’d probably ever given.
“It’s just so much—“ Leia hiccuped between shaky breaths. “I can’t... I can’t fuckin’ think about Alderaan, much less help anyone!”
“I know, Leia, I know,” Han murmured against her back.
“Everything okay?” Luke asked, putting the bottle of water down on the table.
Leia sat up and nodded, tears still streaming down her face. Luke reached out to pull her into a hug, and Leia let herself be held.
“What was it about?”
“Death Star. Alderaan. Same shit as always.”
Luke hummed sympathetically. At first, Leia thought it was him rubbing her back, but as she pulled away, she realized it was Han.
“I’m sorry.”
“Leia, you don’t apologize for anything else. Definitely don’t apologize for this,” Han said. “If you’re gonna apologize for anything, apologize for pinching me during yesterday’s meeting when I said something you didn’t like.”
Leia laughed despite herself. “You deserved that, though.”
“I don’t think so!”
“Making jokes about how sweaty the damn stormtrooper armor is was not exactly appropriate.”
“Well, I’m speaking from experience, sweetheart.”
Leia rolled her eyes, drying her face a bit.
“See, that’s Leia,” Han insisted, almost proud.
“It is,” Luke agreed.
“Chewie should have that bunk set up for ya,” Han said, “if you want to stay here.”
Leia thought for a few seconds. Finally, she nodded in agreement. “I’ll stay.”
Han smiled and clapped her gently on the back. “C’mon, you can go lay down and Luke and I will finish up in here.”
Leia would have preferred not to be alone, but she was already embarrassed enough as it was. “All right,” she agreed, allowing Han to guide her back to the cabin.
Han’s bunk was as it always was, messy and unmade. The bunk directly across, however, looked fresh and crisp.
“From the looks of it, you’d think Chewie was the one who spent time in the Imperial Academy.”
“Sweetheart, I leave things a mess to spite the Empire,” Han replied, making Leia laugh.
Leia sat down on the bed, looking up at Han as he stepped back to give her some space. “Here,” he said, handing her his commlink. “If you need anything, just comm in to the Falcon’s cockpit.”
“Okay,” Leia mumbled, taking the link and sliding laying it next to the pillow. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” Han replied. “Get some rest.”
Once Han was gone, Leia tried to make herself comfortable. The Falcon’s bunks weren’t the most luxurious beds in the galaxy, but they were far from uncomfortable. If it had been pre-Alderaan, pre-Death Star, Leia could have passed out immediately. Now, though, the mattress was either too soft or too firm depending how she laid, and she kept flipping the pillow to get the cool side. She closed her eyes and heard Vader’s breathing, causing them to fly open again.
After roughly half and hour of tossing and turning, she heard footsteps approaching the cabin. She quickly settled, like a small child trying to stay up past bedtime. The door opened and the footsteps came up to the bed.
Han cautiously reached out and put his hand on top of her’s, his thumb rubbing soothingly over back of her hand. He must have thought she was sleeping, because he moved away after a few seconds and walked into the refresher without saying anything.
Leia was mad at how badly she wanted him to come back.
After some rustling and running water, Han returned, bringing the smell of Alliance-issue soap with him. He collapsed into his own bunk with a soft sigh.
It was quiet for several minutes, before Leia mumbled, “Luke didn’t wanna hang around?”
Han jumped, not expecting her to still be awake. “Uh, yeah, he went back to his room for the night.”
Leia hummed in response, Han’s presence relaxing her in a way that she didn’t want to accept. It was quiet for a few minutes, then—
“Can... CanIcomeoverthere?”
“Huh?”
“If you’re going to make fun of me, I’m going to leave.”
Han switched on a light, looking her in the eyes. “I really didn’t hear you, Leia.”
Leia looked at him for a second, before climbing out of her bunk and walking over to his. “I can’t sleep,” she mumbled.
“Okay.”
“I... I wanted to...”
“Come on.” He held up the blankets.
Leia moved before she could let herself think, let her feet run out of the Falcon and probably out into the jungles of Yavin, never to be seen again. She settled in, staring down at the gap between the blankets and the mattress.
Han didn’t speak. He slowly reached out and put his hand on her head, and Leia almost laughed. He was nervous
“I’m...”
“Han, just... Just cut off the lights. I don’t want to talk any more.”
Han did as he was told, and then it was darkness and stifling silence.
“Leia, if you need help... Like, with any of this...”
“Luke already offered. It’s not a big deal. I’m just... I’m just being weak right now.”
“Leia, stop that,” Han hissed, taking Leia aback. “You were kriffing tortured and watched your planet blow up. If you were weak, you would have caved before we got off the Death Star. And even then I’m not so sure.”
Making no sudden movements, Leia slowly reached for his hand. Han grabbed it and brought it up to rest the back of her’s against his chest.
“You don’t have to do this alone. I don’t want you to do this alone.”
Leia nodded. “Okay.”
“We’ll get that settled in the morning.” Han released her hand, sliding back to his side of the bed. “Goodnight, Leia.”
“Goodnight,” Leia replied, fully intent on staying on her side of the bed.
But if she woke up curled up underneath Han’s arm the next morning, nobody had to know.