Work Text:
Inspired by Reversible Campaign by Deco 27 featuring Hatsune Miku.
One shot
“Karamatsu-nisan you are going out right?” Before I could reply, Todomatsu said, “Then buy me some carbonated drinks, please.”
Even though he added ‘please’ at the end, it didn’t remotely sound sincere. Todomatsu dropped some coins at my hand and before I could response, he drowsed in his little own world of social media and twitter.
Using my worthless ego as a pretext, I couldn’t refuse my dehydrated brother pleasing for some refreshing carbonated drink.
Cringing to myself if it wasn’t me, it could be Choromatsu. He knows Choromatsu won’t aid this worthless, ungrateful brother again after his unforgivable betrayal.
The side hurting someone, the side being hurt. No matter which side, it would hurt. Karamatsu wouldn’t dream to subject such an inhumane treatment on his brothers just because he is egocentric. I just want to get lost in a black and white defense.
How is it with a frivolous, empty heart?
Is it throbbing through your hate?
“Of course! My brother! I would gladly seek for the most perfect oasis at the other side of the planet if you wish!”
“And I hope you never come back.” Ichimatsu mutter under his breath.
Wait, that’s just my imagination
After saying “I like you” even if it’s a lie.
Seeing your overflowing conscience, I can’t help but wave my hands, when it ends in nonsense.
Here we go again, I’ve cried again, putting on a helpless show of pretend.
I wear my outfit (facade) standing on the stage, my laughing resonates.
Until several insults pierced my heart.
“Shittymatsu just shut up will you?”
“Aren’t you tired already?”
“Wow, you shouldn’t be that painful if others hadn’t built up immunity.”
“Why do I have such a shitty brother?”
“Ahaha! Painful!”
The sound of my brothers’ argument slowly faded in TV static noise. My thoughts are lost in confusion. Fighting until dissolution.
Wait, wait. This wasn’t meant to happen.
The red thread is tangled illusion, in the stage of delusion.
Wait, wait. Nothing like this should happen.
This love that I can’t hope to touch again. Squeezing, squeezing as the rope tightens.
It’s OK if this love is fake. It hurts a bit through, just a bit.
“Is seems like my presence is unwanted, however I shall return! In your heart!” I tried to ignore my aching heart craving for affection and acknowledgement.
I swiftly exit the living room, blocking all comment out, ascend to our shared bedroom.
Dependent on this self that’s beyond saving, I cheerfully decorate myself with a grin.
How are the tears of a damaged brother?
Getting anxious it’s no doubt xx.
Karamatsu laugh briefly, lacking humor in his tone. Since now you’re nothing but a hopeless regret, I wonder if you see now, what you tried to forget. Yes, he tried to deny it, his brother loves him. Regardless of their action they love... No! It was nothing but lie!
Let’s prepare a lottery of love and hate, no matter how it turns out, nothingness waits.
A completely worthlessness test. Test for his brothers’ “love “and “hate”. When the answer was well presented for him. For affection or loathing, nothingness of it all will overwhelmed him. What waits for him would be...
Over the next two weeks, searching for obvious answers, shamelessly clinging to his pathetic life, his decision was yet to be made.
Opening the door to living room, I was greeted by the usual scenery depicting my brothers all engaging with themselves. They don’t look or acknowledge my entrance, almost as if I was watching TV.
Once again, I began my ‘painful ‘monologue for attention, negative or what, it was better than indifference. It wasn’t long before Ichimatsu interrupt me, hurling expected insults. If words are blade, then I’m positive my attire would look as red as Osomatsu.
“Shut up! Look, we didn’t give you enough hints didn’t we!”Others seemed startled by Ichimatsu’s outburst, but still silent, at least until he was about to step over the boundary.
Osomatsu stop looking at his manga which he had probably read million times, Choromatsu also discard his “job searching” trying to look out for someone who would break this awkward atmosphere. Todomatsu paused momentarily from his endless messaging and Jyushimatsu gradually lose his signature smile.
“We hate you!” The lie becomes clear and exposed.
“Seriously no one gives a damn about you!” Even after Ichimatsu compose his berating, not once had his brothers deny or interrupt Ichimatsu.
They acknowledged “I love you” is nothing but a filmy lie.
A sense of déjà vu from two weeks ago, however this time I silently disappear into our bedroom, ignoring their false concern expressions.
Here we go again, I’ve cried again. Sewing this toxic mouth from each end.
Hahaha... I deserve this. It’ll be okay it’ll be okay it’ll be okay. I’ll just bear it till then. I’m not alone. I have support. I will keep trying! Someday the six of us will be happy together!
Choosing to remain silent is rather odd, since it will spread anyway. My last salvation of continue living with this lie was gone.
All my pent up thoughts bursting like a dam, things that are better unspoken, the most repulsive part of my life.
“Why! Why! Even though you said you love me! Abandoned and cast away? I don’t wanna that! No! No! Where in my life have I gone wrong! AHH! Why am I the only one! I never did anything wrong! I can’t I can’t I can’t! AHH! It hurts it hurts! Alone! I want to give up! This place is hell! AHHHHHHHHH!”
My thoughts are lost in confusion. Fighting until dissolution.
After I calm down, silence once filled the room . I was almost certain they had heard it, still after a good minute, nothing. I wasn’t expected one of them to come rushing to check on me but I could finish this quickly and painlessly.
Randomly scrambling over for a knife or pill that would do the job. Nothing. It was stupid to expect a knife or pills in our bedroom to begin with. He could fetch a knife downstairs or pills in the cupboard... instead he came across a string of rope lying around the sofa. Hanging, huh.
The rope that Jyushimatsu often tied Ichimatsu to his baseball bat. Long enough and tough material. Yeah this will do.
Standing on a stool, tying the rope on the ceiling with great effort. Yes this was the best, for me and no one. I couldn’t always stuck in the past living with lies.
The other end tied into a noose, hooking it around his neck. I consider writing a will for my parents, friends but quickly lose the idea, since it will be dispose as one of my painful poems with my possessions.
Taking a deep breath, I muster courage, ready to leap off the stool.
And I did.
Not to mention but it seems like the noose wasn’t tighten as he thought but effective in slowly taking his oxygen, leaving him to grasp air until suffocation welcome him along with death. So much for a painless death.
Suddenly, he heard voices just nearing the other side of door. At this point he didn’t know if it was hallucination or real.
“Ichimatsu that was too much, you know.” Choromatsu?
“Tch, I said I’m going apologies already.”The sound became clearer as he realize his brothers were just behind the doors.
Wait, wait. That wasn’t expected.
“No fighting, insulting and bickering, right. Apologize to Karamatsu. As the eldest, I should have been better at protecting my younger brother.”
“Forget about protecting, you basically wrap him in a mat and throw him into the ocean!”
“But as the most mature and responsible one, I’m the one who knew Karamatsu’s been suffering from the beginning but I ignore him, thinking he deserved it! After what happened last time.”
The red thread is entangled, on the stage nothing but chaos.
“Well Karamatsu-nisan just left without saying anything, it clearly obvious he’s hurt.”
“What? Baby bro Totty actually cares!”
“Of course duh! Karamatsu-nisan is my partner! We always had been together! How can I not care?”
Wait, wait. That’s all wrong.
“I love Karamatsu-nisan but I couldn’t stop it even when I know we are hurting him!”
“Even when Ichimatsu-nisan says those mean things Karamatsu-nisan looked broken!”
“That Shittymatsu, ever since he adopt that shitty facade in high school, he’s always lying to me! To us! That why I want the old Karamatsu-nisan back so...so I always being horrible to Karamatsu.”
This love that I can’t hope to touch again. Squeezing, squeezing as the rope tightens.
What is... this? A lie? An act? I’m the one always lying?
It’s okay if this love is fickle. But it, but it still hurts a little.
My thoughts are slowing fading away, vague and becoming more grey.
Always, always I’ll remember your image.
Even if the red thread frays and I can’t grasp it again.
Always, always my song for you resonates.
Your love is imprinted into my skin. Washing, washing just makes it deepens.
It’s turns me upside down but I’m still a bit happy about it.
Closing my eyes, just for the door to draw open. My breathing cease. My heart beat faded away. My smile etched on my face would never disappear.
End