Chapter Text
Cyrus always tried to be rational. Yea, he could be anxious at times but he always had been pretty well adjusted, being able to work through his feelings and helping others do the same. But today, actually more accurately, this past week, he has not felt very rational at all. That’s how he ended up sitting alone on the benches facing the basketball court in the park. It was here that he had met TJ just before planning to do somersault together for costume day. He wishes that knew then that TJ would let him down less than 48 hours later.
He wasn’t even sure if he was allowed to be here, as it was close to midnight. He, Cyrus Goodman, the same boy who would usually be terrified of breaking his parent’s rules, had snuck out of his dad and stepmom’s house and made his way to the park. I guess, even now, TJ had a way of making him more daring, more willing to break the rules; dance with danger, even if the motivation was not the same as before. Before, Cyrus had felt brave because TJ was with him. No one or no thing could touch him as long as TJ was there by his side. Now TJ was once again his motivation to do something he wouldn’t of before, but more as a way of escape.
Cyrus had been cooped up all weekend in his room. It was Sunday night and the weight of his thoughts were restricting him, making him feel claustrophobic. His room felt like it was pressurized, ready to collapse around him at any moment. He tried to ignore his thoughts but just couldn’t. So when he heard his parents go to bed, he slipped out the backdoor and headed down to the park. The small town was eerily quiet, give or take the miscellaneous car driving by.
As he approached the entrance of the park, he contemplated heading towards the swings, but decided against it. The swings had become a happy place for Cyrus, where he could come to feel better. He doubted that it would have the same effect now. So he settled on the benches by the basketball court. It was the perfect place to let his thoughts run wild. It helped keep him angry, helped to remind him that TJ let him down. He wanted to be angry because if not, he knew he would give in and run back to TJ. He would let the boy convince him that they could be friends again. But Cyrus did not want to be friends again. He doesn’t think his heart can handle it.
They were only friends and Cyrus had accepted that his crush would be unrequited. People have crushes on their friends all the time and honestly, how many of those work out? He was happy just being friends because it wouldn’t be fair to push his feelings on the other boy. But lately he had started to notice little hints of maybe something more from TJ. He wasn’t blind, he noticed when TJ would smile at him like he was the only one that mattered. He noticed when they would walk so close together that their hands brushed. He saw how happy he was for his friend when he finally did a somersault. And of course, he noticed the look on TJ’s face when he said “You’re the only person I can talk to like this.” His stomach filled with butterflies when he looked up at the taller boy that day. But now looking back, he realizes that he read way to into things.
Honestly, he doesn’t even know why he was so upset. It is not like he didn’t almost do the same thing. Andi had been relying on him to be in her costume. In fact is it weren’t for TJ ditching him to do a costume with Kira, he would of readily dashed Andi’s Mount Rushmore dreams. Jonah had backed out last minute, and though he would have felt bad, Cyrus would have let her costume go to waste. He would have abandoned one of his best friends so he could be the salt to TJ’s summer. So wasn’t he as bad as TJ? Does he have the right to want to be angry? Does he have the right to feel hurt?
After all, Andi was able to forgive him when he reached out to her. She knew that he almost ditched her for TJ. He technically never even texted her. But she had been so understanding and kind to him when he talked to her about it. She was a little annoyed at first, but she knew how much Cyrus liked TJ. She remembered last year, when she went out of her way to be around Jonah when she had a crush on him, sometimes even making a fool out of herself. So she understood what Cyrus was feeling about TJ. The two friends were able to fix things. Why couldn’t he do that with TJ? Maybe TJ would be able to explain and they could fix things too. Was it fair to block him out like this? Was he a hypocrite?
Objectively he knew he should give TJ a chance, maybe he should text him back. Things can be fixed. He just did not want to fix them though. He had decided that. But why then was he staring at the blank screen of his phone trying not to cry. He turned it off when he left the house. He had to, or he knew he would find himself staring at the texts the other boy had sent though out the week.
Cyrus I’m sorry for not texting or calling about the costume change.
Are we cool?
Come on, please respond.
Let me explain please.
Cyrus, please...I’m worried about you.
Please...
At least let me know you are okay.
You have been avoiding me at school all week. Come on Underdog, you haven’t even ate lunch with your friends, like idk where you are eating at but its not in the cafeteria. Are you really that mad at me that we can even be in the same room?
Do you hate me?
It was that last text that almost broke Cyrus. He had gotten it about an hour before he snuck out. He knew that if kept focusing on his phone that he would reply despite himself. No, he didn't hate TJ. He could never hate TJ. Part of him felt terrible that TJ felt that way.
TJ obviously liked Kira in the same way that Cyrus liked TJ. And why shouldn't he? She was a pretty girl who ALSO was great at basketball. She was perfect for him. Cyrus almost ditched his best friend to do a costume with his crush, so why did it matter that TJ did the same? He really should feel good for his friend but he doesn’t.
These are the thoughts that have filling his head almost constantly the past few days. He knows he wants to stay mad but another part of him wants to forgive TJ. But he just can’t! Maybe it is because he knows in his heart that this actually isn’t the same as with Andi. With Andi, he at least talked to Buffy, who found him a replacement. He did not know Jonah was going to pull out last minute, but at least Cyrus had a replacement. He had been so excited to do the costume with TJ. He knew his friends would understand. Somersault was their thing and his friends knew it. He was genuinely happy at the thought of spending the day the day at TJ’s side, sharing their inside joke. They would be in their own special world made for only them to exist in together.
He keeps replaying that conversation from that day at the park. He keeps picturing the look on TJ’s face when he told Cyrus about his costume idea. He literally was smiling ear to ear. Cyrus doesn’t remember ever seeing a smile so beautiful in his life. In that moment, it felt like he was the only thing that mattered to TJ. Which if he is being honest, felt nice. TJ seemed as excited as Cyrus to do their group costume.
As Cyrus thought more about it, he realized that was why he was the most upset. TJ led him to believe he wanted to do this together. He got his hopes up, just to dash them. What he couldn’t figure out though, is why TJ looked so unhappy when he showed up with Kira. Did he truly just feel bad for letting his friend down so he could do a costume he liked more? Cyrus figured maybe he was just ashamed that he would rather do a costume with Kira, the girl he knew didn’t like Buffy, and by extension any of her friends, then with Cyrus.
An hour passed as he sat and ran through his thoughts. He kept replaying his interactions with TJ. He kept thinking about how good being with TJ used to make him feel. He kept beating himself up about falling for another straight guy. His thoughts seem to fill the air and make everything around him feel heavier. Suddenly a voice broke through the deafening silence and pulled Cyrus from his thoughts.
“Cyrus!”
The voice was close and familiar. It was TJ. He was coming up behind him. What was he doing at the park in the middle of the night? Cyrus felt his head spinning. He could not face TJ right now. He did not want to look at those beautiful green eyes that could make him melt. He stood up, slipped his phone in his pocket, and tried to get away from the benches. TJ called out again.
“Cyrus, wait. Please…please don’t go.”
His voice sounded so desperate. It sounded broken and hurt. Cyrus has never heard TJ sound so desperate. It broke his heart all over again to hear him like that. He couldn’t control his body as he froze in place. He felt a warm tear roll down his cheek. He let the other boy make his way in front of him. Cyrus stared at his feet as TJ stood in front of him. He did not want TJ to see him crying but could not find the strength to move away from him. TJ’s voice was broken as he spoke, Cyrus had not been the only one crying tonight.
“What are you doing out here so late?”
Cyrus quietly replied “I can ask you the same thing…”
“I was…looking for you. Your dad called. He said you weren’t in your room and wanted to know if you were with me. He called Buffy, Jonah, Andi, and my sister, too. Your parents are really worried about you…you weren’t even answering your phone.”
Cyrus guiltily thought about his turned off phone in his pocket. He didn’t think his parents would have noticed him gone. He felt bad for making them worry. But why was TJ here? Surely his parents didn’t ask a bunch of kids to go look for him in the middle of the night. He was pretty sure all four of his parents were driving around looking for him. He keeps staring at the ground as he tries to will himself not to cry in front of the other boy.
“That still doesn’t explain why you are here…”
“I was worried about you…so I kind of snuck out to look for you too. Amber is covering for me. Don’t worry, I did not tell your parents where I thought you may be. I figured I would check the park since you usually go to the swings. When I did not see you there, I started looked around and found you here.”
“You did not have to that, as you can see I’m fine. No need to worry, you can go home.”
“You don’t look fine…” TJ quietly noted. His voice was sad, tinged with hints of guilt as he spoke. “I’ve been so worried about you, you have been avoiding me at school, you haven’t been to the swings since last Friday, and you’ve ignored all my texts and calls…”
With that every wall holding Cyrus together began to crumble. He looks up at TJ with a mix of anger and hurt in his eyes. Tears left streaks down his face as he let lose everything he has been feeling. TJ’s words triggered something inside him. Cyrus never screams in anger but tonight that was going to change.
“You didn’t seem that worried about me on costume day! Do you know how humiliated I felt?! Did you care about how bad I felt walking around knowing that someone who was supposed to be one of my closest friends stood me up without even a call or text?! I bet you didn’t!” Cyrus’ words came out like venom. “You know, I don’t care if you have a crush on Kira and wanted to do a costume with her when she offered, even if it was a stupid costume. Double dribble? Really? But that’s not the point. You can do whatever you want. But a text would have been nice. I would have understood. But you didn’t bother because you don’t really care about me.”
Cyrus’ harsh words cut the other boy deep. When he looked at TJ's face, Cyrus suddenly regretted his outburst. Even though TJ hurt him, he never wanted to hurt TJ. He tries to speak but the words that so easily flew from his mouth moments ago were not caught in his throat. Cyrus swears he saw a tear form in TJ’s sad eyes, but it was almost as quickly wiped away. For the first time he noticed that TJ’s hair didn’t have the usual gel in it so strands of hair fell over his forehead. Cyrus couldn’t help thinking that he looked even more beautiful like that. The two boys stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. The air was heavier than ever. It was TJ who finally broke the silence. His voice was uncertain as he said
“Do you really think I don’t care about you…because that is just not true. I care about you more than you can possibly know…”
Cyrus’s voice was just as shaky as he replied “Then why didn’t you tell me you wanted to do a costume with Kira?”
TJ broke eye contact and he looked to the ground. “I didn’t want to do a costume with her…I had to…”
“TJ, wait what do you mean? TJ, look me…” The taller boy moves his eyes up from the dark slab of concrete to meet Cyrus’ eyes. “TJ, what do you mean you had to?” Like a reflex, Cyrus reaches across to put his hand on TJ’s forearm as it hangs down to the side. He can hear TJ’s breathe catch in his throat like he was touched by fire. The older boy starts to speak.
“She got into my head, you know? I told her twice that I was good with our costume, and that I did not want to do a costume with her. But then she made it seem weird that I would rather do a costume with you rather than her.”
“Why would it be weird? You just met her and we're friends.” Cyrus isn’t getting it. He scrunches his eyebrows together as he continues to stare.
“She made it seem like it was weird to do a two person costume with another boy….instead of a girl, you know what I mean.”
Cyrus pulls hand back from TJ’s arm. He suddenly is self conscious of his own body movements. He does not want to make TJ feel uncomfortable. “Oh...I get it.”
TJ tries to not let it show that he already misses the feeling of Cyrus’ hand on his arm. He instinctively moves his other hand to the spot on his forearm where Cyrus has just left vacant.
Meanwhile, Cyrus ignores his own disappointment that TJ is definitely not gay. He was just another straight boy worried about looking like he was queer. He continues to speak. His voice is soft and understanding. “I’m sorry she made you feel like that. But TJ, if you know it is not true, then it does not matter what she says.” Cyrus gives a soft smile. “Besides you are the captain of the basketball team, you are so popular. Who would actually read into the costume like she did. She is just trying to be hurtful…”
“Cyrus, you don’t understand. Kira ...she is right...I… I do like guys in the way I am supposed to like girls. I got scared, so scared that she knew, and that everyone would know if we did a costume together. Everyone would figure out what is wrong with me and then what if they started making up rumors about you too. Like it is one thing for people to make fun of me, but I don’t think I could handle them hurting you. But now I’m the one that hurt you. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’m so sorry for being this way. ” His voice sounded weak, it was full of shame and guilt. It almost sounded alien He was rambling and now the tears could not be stopped. This was a boy who was so afraid and hurting.
Without thinking, Cyrus reached up and wiped away a tear from TJ’s face. He lets his hand linger momentarily against TJ’s cheek as he steps closer. He was waiting for TJ to pull away from his touch but he doesn’t. When he finally drops his hand, and stares into TJ’s green eyes that look almost glassy from the crying. He is still the most beautiful thing Cyrus has ever laid eyes on. TJ just came out to him. It is killing him to know that TJ was dealing with all this alone. He hates that he thinks something is wrong with him, he wants TJ to know he is not alone. He knows what he has to do. He takes a deep breathe.
“Teej, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I told you that before, and I will tell you a million times over if I have to. No one has the right to make you feel bad for who you are. Also no one, except you, can decide when it is the right time to come out. Kira does not get to decide when you come out. Just like…” Cyrus pauses, there will be no going back after this.”Just like only I get to decide when I come out.”
This catches TJ off guard, he stares in shock as Cyrus gives him a weak smile. “Wait, are you gay too?” Cyrus only nods his head in response. His face is bright red from blushing. Both boys stand in silence for a moment, not knowing how to proceed. Cyrus makes the first move. He steps even closer to TJ, their bodies impossibly close without actually touching.
“TJ, I also...I also have big crush on a boy…” Cyrus’ face is trying to show confidence but his stomach feels like it is doing twists and turns as his nerves are fighting to get to him. His nervous voice gives him away.
“Oh…” Tj looks down for a brief second to look at Cyrus’ lips before staring back into his big brown eyes. “Do...do I know this person?” From the sounds of it, TJ is as equally as nervous. He can feel his heart pounding out of his chest, mirroring Cyrus’.
“Yeah, you know him. He is tall, with the most gorgeous green eyes. He gets little freckles in the sun. When he doesn’t put gel in his hair, he has the cutest little curl of hair that falls on his forehead. He is great at basketball, and honestly any sport he tries. He makes me feel brave when I want to run and forces me to step out of my comfort zone. And god, every time he talks I want to hold onto every word he says like it is gold. I’ve never met anyone like him and the weirdest part is that he wants to hang out with me.
“That's not weird. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with you? You can light up any room you walk into with a single smile. This guy you like is so lucky to have you in his life. He knows that he would not be the same without you.”
With that, Cyrus got a burst of confidence to do something crazy. He cups TJ’s cheek. Their faces are only a few inches apart. Electricity fills the air between them as they stare directly into each others eyes before Cyrus takes a giant leap of faith. He closes his eyes as he closes the gap between their lips. As his lips brush against TJ’s, the world stops around them. Only they exist in this moment. Cyrus pulls back slightly to make sure this is okay. TJ answers the unspoken question by cupping the back of Cyrus’ head and pulls him for a deeper kiss.
When they finally break away from each other, TJ can’t help but stare like a lovestruck dummy. He could not believe that just happened. Cyrus Goodman kissed him and he kissed Cyrus back. He remembers how soft Cyrus’ lips were, how they seemed to fit perfectly against his. More importantly though, Cyrus liked him the same way he likes Cyrus. The only thing he manages to get out of his mouth was “ I like you, a lot.”
Cyrus lets out a soft laugh and he reaches for TJ’s hand. “I hope so...because I like you too. So wanna be my boyfriend?”
“Of course I do, Underdog.” TJ gives him the biggest smile, he was practically glowing. “Just...I’m not ready to come out yet at school or to my parents, is that okay?”
“Honestly, I’m not ready, either. We don’t need others to know that we are together, for us to know that we care for each other. It is our secret for now.” Cyrus smiles. “Now we should be getting back to our houses. I know my parents are worried and I don’t want you to get in trouble with your’s.”
Soon after that, they make their way to the park entrance. Before they part ways, Cyrus leans up and kisses the side of TJ’s face. TJ blushes as Cyrus begins to walk away.
“Night, TJ”
“Night Underdog” TJ replies while holding the place on his cheek where Cyrus’ lips just touched. He thinks he is going to like being Cyrus’ boyfriend.