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It was a sigh of epic proportions - long and drawn out to the very last syllable. Surely this had to do the trick.
"Wow!" Larry exclaimed. "I thought you were gonna start going blue right there, don't scare me like that, man."
Phoenix gave him a withering look, then waited. But no, Larry genuinely had nothing to give him, he just returned the look with a slightly confused one of his own. This was it, he'd tried everything he could think of and none of it had been effective against the Butz Wall of Stupidity. He should have known better than to try, really... but he was pretty damn desperate at this point. It was time to abandon his pride, having committed himself to this now.
"You not gonna crack a joke about my long face?" he asked, smiling resignedly.
"Dude, your face could span the length of this room," Larry took a pull at his beer. "I could wheel out the best joke I had and I bet it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. Doctor Butz's diagnosis is that you need more booze, buddy."
"I guess I'm not here for jokes then. Maybe I need the services of one of Doctor Butz's other clinics."
"Ah, I dunno, man, I think the Booze Bus is the only one running today," Larry grinned, he was on his third beer.
"Augh," Phoenix groaned, draining the last of his rum and coke. "Look, for once in my life, Larry, I actually need your advice on something."
Larry paused for a moment, then grinned as he finally realised what Phoenix was getting at.
"You require some advice on, le matters feminine, mon belle ami?" his French accent was bloody terrible.
"Maybe..." Ahhh, that feeling of instant regret...
"Oh, well then. Well then!" Larry slapped a hand on Phoenix's shoulder. "Mon amigo, Doctor Butz's One Stop Sweet Sexytimes Clinic is always open!"
"Amigo is Spanish, but never mind, and..." Phoenix sighed, leaning his arms on the polished wood of the table they sat at, "I haven't even gotten as far as asking her out, Larry. Things are pretty bad."
They'd have to be, to make me desperate enough to try this.
"Woah," Larry's face turned serious. "Okay, let me call this - she's shy?"
"Yes."
"Doesn't talk about herself much?"
"Yes."
"Has loads of emotional baggage with either you or someone you know?"
"Dear God, yes," Phoenix made a face.
"Is never ever gonna think she's good enough for a nice guy like you?"
"...Yes." For that was the truth of it, made all the more painful coming from somebody like Larry, who, despite all his faults as a member of society, always treated his women like queens within the limits of his meagre salary.
"Damn, I should try to get with them - maybe a loser like me would tick her boxes," Larry grinned wickedly, not even bothering to dodge the beer mat Phoenix threw at him because he knew he deserved it. "It's totally that chick from the monastery isn't it? The one who pretended to be your psycho girlfriend at college, right?"
Phoenix nodded, a pained expression on his face.
"Hah! Totally called it," Larry was smug, but his face changed when he realised the significance of this. "Oh. Shit, dude. That's one hell of a busload of baggage right there."
"No wonder I haven't made any progress, huh?" Phoenix slowly rotated the beermat on the table with one finger.
Larry took another sip of his beer, regarding Phoenix with a sombre expression.
"How long you had it bad for her?" he asked.
"I went up to Hazakurain after the trial was all over, to make sure she was doing okay," Phoenix confessed. "And although I kept telling myself not to, I just found myself seeing all the traits that I loved in Dahlia, before I knew what she really was. It hurt. But with that I also realised that all those things about Dahlia, that I loved, those things were actually Iris all along."
Larry paused, thinking back, then his eyes widened.
"Dude... that trial... that was over a year ago now!" he exclaimed. "What the bloody hell have you been doing all this time, man - talking about the weather?!"
Phoenix gave him a trademark sheepish grin, scratching the back of his head. "Well, it does snow a lot in Hazakurain..."
Larry leaned back in his chair, rolling his eyes skywards.
"Sheesh, this may be Doctor Butz's toughest case yet," he groaned. "Firstly, it's my round. Definitely more booze required to sort this one out."
He returned a few minutes later and placed a drink in front of Phoenix.
"So, Nick-o, it's taken you a whole year to get to the point where you feel like you actually need some advice. Whatcha hoping to get out of this? A date? Sweet lovin'? Marriage-and-a-house-and-two-kids?"
"I.." Phoenix swirled the ice cubes around in his rum and coke. "I just want to..."
"You're stuck already. Not good, man. Drink, for inspiration," Larry instructed.
Phoenix obligingly sipped his drink.
"You've just been flip-flopping about the whole thing all year, haven't you?" Larry gave him an accusing stare. "You're never a glass is half full or half empty guy, you always second guess yourself. So never mind all this shit about whether you should or shouldn't get with a chick who pretended to be your psycho girlfriend for six months. Erase all that, wipe it out. At total face value, cos that's how I roll in life, do you like her, yes or no?"
"...Yes," Phoenix said.
"You hesitated even on that! Drink," Larry pointed.
"I feel like this is a punishment drink, now," Phoenix drank some more of his rum and coke.
"Yes, it's punishment for you being an indecisive dumbass when it comes to this sorta thing," Larry grinned.
"Ugh, I knew coming to you was a bad idea-"
"Nope, it's the best idea you had all year!" Larry declared. "Doctor Butz will sort your shit out, don't you worry."
"Oh, but I do..."
"Next question - have you ever had a wank while thinking about her?"
"LARRY!"
"Answer the question, it's part of your therapy," Larry had a fiendish grin on his face now.
"I'm not answering that!"
"Then down your drink."
"No."
"Then answer the question - ain't no shame, bro, I've wanked while thinking about more girls than I've ever had girlfriends."
Phoenix gave another long sigh, then pre-emptively took a drink, knowing he'd hesitated far too long.
"Yes," he said, blushing a little.
"Finally, we're getting somewhere!" Larry toasted him with his beer, taking a sip. "So, if you like her enough to wank about her, you want more than just a date."
"I guess so."
"Alrighty, so at the very least we need to get you to first base - that sounds like a mighty good aim to me!"
"You make that sound so easy."
"It totally is. You walk right up to her, tell her you like her, and ask if you can take her out to dinner."
"I can't just waltz right up to her and do that!"
"Well, there's normally some courting and wooing and shit beforehand," Larry waved that off. "But for fuck's sake, man, you've been talking about the weather with her all year - that's enough buildup, don'tcha reckon?"
"I have tried to move things forward," Phoenix explained. "I didn't want to at first, I could tell she wasn't ready, but now I feel like enough time has elapsed since the trial, except when I try to chat to her about other things than Hazakurain, the weather, and so on, she just smiles at me and looks sad, and I can't bear to see her like that. I just don't know what to do - it's like being trapped in a Groundhog Day loop and I don't know how to get out of it."
"Hm, so the problem's not just at your end," Larry mused. "This is a toughie. Anyone else there you can get to find out how she feels or to meddle with things a bit? What about the little round lady, whatsername," he snapped his fingers, trying to remember.
"Sister Bikini?" Phoenix shuddered. "I can't even imagine what kind of tactics she might resort to if I actually outright asked her - she's bad enough as it is!"
"Maybe that's just what you need," Larry cackled. "Sledgehammer tactics."
"She keeps trying to lock us in rooms together - she seems to forget that Iris has a master key."
Larry guffawed at that.
"Wait a sec," he said. "She's doing that, and Iris hasn't reacted at all?"
"Well, I don't know, I think she must find a little humour in it. She just always seems to have a smile on her face when it happens, and we'll chat for a while, and then she'll let us both out of there."
"Uh... Nick? Do you not find that kinda weird?" Larry asked, a little incredulously.
Phoenix thought about this for a moment.
"I don't know, does it seem weird to you?" he asked.
Larry shook his head, then knocked back the last of his beer.
"Nick, buddy, I think the greatest problem you have in your life is that you just don't have any clue about what's normal and what's weird as all hell anymore. I guess questioning parrots at the witness box kinda does that to you," he shrugged.
"I think you're the last person in the world to be telling me how to be normal, Larry," Phoenix said, his voice flat.
"Ah, well, I'm just your average Joe when it comes to girls," Larry pushed his empty glass towards Phoenix. "Your round."
"I haven't finished my drink yet."
Larry's response to that was to dig in his pocket and plunk a dime into Phoenix's glass. "Don't drown the dime, Nick-o!"
"Oh God dammit," Phoenix grabbed the glass and drained it, catching the dime as it fell out. "You bastard."
"Why ta," Larry mock-bowed to him across the table.
Phoenix rolled his eyes in response, getting up to go to the bar. But he had to throw a hand out against the table to steady himself as his body reminded him that sudden coordination was a tall order after several rum and cokes. He turned to look at Larry, who had a grin rivalling the Cheshire Cat.
"If you don't wipe that smile off your face I'm buying you the liquorice beer," he threatened.
Larry struggled to rearrange his face but he managed it in the name of avoiding that particular craft beer stocked behind the bar - he absolutely hated the taste of liquorice. Having suitably refurbished them both with a drink, Phoenix sat down again - sitting was safer.
"I think she's waiting on you to declare your undying love for her," was Larry's conclusion.
"But why is it so hard to talk to her about anything deep, then?" Phoenix pointed out. "Surely she'd want to make it easier for me?"
"Ahh, but then that's like admitting to herself that she could be good enough for you," Larry leaned forward, his face serious. "She's a wallflower, Nicky-boy, and you can only get a wallflower by peeling them off the wall - otherwise they just stay right there and enjoy every little moment you give them, and they never do any more than that."
"A wallflower..." Phoenix smiled, his cheeks a little pink. "She's very delicate, yet so strong and determined to come through whatever life throws at her. It's an apt description."
"Ah, see, I bet you could sing her praises to the world - but when it comes to telling her..." Larry trailed off.
"I just don't know if it's the right thing to do or not," Phoenix grabbed unsteadily for Larry's hand, clasping it tightly between his own. "What if she says no, Larry? What then? Could I ever face her again?" his voice was full of emotion chased to the surface by a rising tide of rum.
"Shhh, Nicky-boy," Larry patted his hand. "Don't you worry about a thing, now. You've totally got nothing to lose here, Doctor Butz is never wrong!"
"Really?" Phoenix sniffled, looking up at Larry hopefully. He was too far gone to even be questioning the validity of Larry's statement now.
"Drink up," Larry smacked the table with the flat of his hand. "We're going."
"Where?" Phoenix groped for his glass and managed to down the rest of it.
"On an adventure!" Larry declared, chugging his beer and slamming the glass down triumphantly. "In the name of love, and justice, and shit! Are you with me, brother?"
"I guess so?" Phoenix blinked at him owlishly.
"Then come on, let's go get your girl!" Larry dragged him out of the bar, tipping a wink to the barman who had been deliberately pouring Phoenix doubles all night.
***
Phoenix woke up with a splitting headache but the cool cloth lying on his forehead definitely helped. He cracked open one eye, the light sharp and dazzling through the open curtains. He groaned, closing his eyes again. But the location of the window at the foot of the futon he slept on reminded him where he was. Hazakurain. And now he remembered last night.
"Oh God," he moaned. "Oh, dear God..."
He heard a soft chuckle from his left. His eyes snapped open and he turned his head, but oh, what a mistake that was, for the room lurched and started to spin. Iris was ready for him, though, and neatly presented the bowl she held in time for him to vomit what seemed like half an ocean into it.
"I'm so sorry," he said thickly.
"You must be the only person I know who can throw up while still being a gentleman," Iris laughed, replacing the cool cloth against his forehead.
"I'm no gentleman," Phoenix sank back against the pillow, "not after turning up on your doorstep in this state."
Iris' face was blurry to his bleary eyes but she had the biggest smile on her face, he'd never seen anything like it.
"Oh, it's okay," she said. "It's not often I have someone turn up at three am to serenade me. I didn't know you could sing so well, even when you're rather worse for wear."
He had gone full operatic tenor for her and woken half the village. Oh, the shame, especially now he remembered Larry's utterly tuneless attempts to join in.
"I didn't know I could still sing like that," Phoenix admitted. "But that really wasn't the time to try."
Iris took his pale, slightly sweaty hand, her fingers wrapping softly around his. The touch made his heart lurch in his chest.
"It was most unexpected, but nobody could say it wasn't romantic," she sounded amused.
"I'm so sorry," Phoenix went to apologise again but was stilled by a finger against his lips.
"Don't be," she said. "I'm... I'm happy, Phoenix. I really am." She squeezed his hand. "I couldn't bear to give myself any hope that you might feel this way about me, not after everything that has happened, but it wasn't all in my head after all."
Phoenix smiled beneath her finger, a big, goofy smile, he just couldn't help himself. He squeezed her hand in return.
"We're going to go somewhere really nice for dinner," he said, although the thought of any kind of food right now made him want to heave.
"Don't worry," Iris could see he'd gone a little green. "I have no doubt that you will! But for now, Sister Bikini is hard at work cooking up a 'storming anti-hangover breakfast', she told me to tell you." She paused, thinking. "I'm not sure about the anti-hangover properties of rehydrated seaweed."
"Ohhh," Phoenix went even more green. "I'm not sure about that either."
"It's okay," Iris chuckled, then tipped him a little wink. "I volunteered Larry to try it first."
Phoenix laughed, he could just imagine Larry's face.
"Ah, I shouldn't laugh really," he admitted. "Even though it's his fault I'm feeling so hideous right now - I was being a total idiot about telling you how I felt and he took the necessary steps, albeit in typical Larry fashion."
"It does seem to have been effective," Iris leant over him and gave him a little, light kiss on his forehead that made him smile like the happiest idiot alive.
"Well, when leaving your fate in the hands of the Butz, you can't ask for much more than that!"
And so it was, that a course of therapy at Doctor Butz's One Stop Sweet Sexytimes Clinic was effective after all.